Ramblings on a Saturday

 I don't feel comfort in anything, anymore.

Except maybe this tiny orange oval pill.

But even that, in which I pretend to find comfort, 

Doesn't seem to take the edge off like it used to. 

Touch, for the most part, makes my insides squirm.

Affection, makes me nervous and uneasy.

I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin, and maybe then, life would be a breeze

If only for a moment. 

I don't know what it's like to sleep,

In my bed,

Without waking up with a clenched jaw.

It seems that only in foreign beds,  I get a wink of deep sleep.

My body hurts,

I feel the tension in each muscle, each joint... just trauma circulating not knowing where to go.

I am disgusted in the comfort I've found in my recent size... because I am not comfortable, even though I've allowed myself to sit here, instead of starve myself like I would have just a few short years ago. 

How

I 

Wish

I

Could

Starve.

Maybe then, I would feel more in control.

But I feel detached...

Tethering away from my body,

Floating away,

Dispersing as a "soul."

I ache.

I ache like a wretched hag.

One who is lonely and lost in the woods...

But finds peace in the nature and the liveliness of the wild animals around her.

I yearn.

For this limbo-like feeling to flee.

I just want to be wild again...

And when I get glimpses of it, I feel free.

How do I break free again? 

Without shattering my entire life...

Maybe ridding of all that is "my life" is the answer.

Maybe a clean slate,

Like asphalt after a warm summer rain...

So fresh, so warm, so grounding.

Let me be...

Free.

Deal with the Devil

 I had a glass of whiskey with the Devil.

She told me her secrets,

I promised to keep them,

Under one condition. 

She'd give me her heart,

In exchange for my silence,

And shower me in roses and lust until the night ended.

But you see in her world,

The night never ends.

The stars always shine, and the moon never sets.

So lust and roses became my norm,

While the rest of the world, lived blissfully in ignorance.

My romance with the Devil is a delicate treat,

Her skin soft as butter, and her lips honey sweet.

 Her body moves oceans, and ripples the tide.

Her moans sound like thunder on dark stormy nights.

Her ecstasy is the lightening- that surrounds the spark in my soul. 

I made a deal with the Devil, and I'll never let it go.