It doesn't feel like Christmas

It doesn't feel like Christmas,
There's no snow on the ground...
Family's spread about,
And laughter isn't found.

It doesn't feel like Christmas,
It's warmer than the past.
But hearts feel distant and shallow,
And question if they'll last.

It doesn't feel like Christmas,
My fire is quickly dimmed,
Though I know I hold the power,
To rekindle it again.

It doesn't feel like Christmas,
A time of comfort and that of peace...
Instead there's unsettled words and feelings, you feel compelled to speak.

It doesn't feel like Christmas,
If only in my dreams...
But I'm looking into next year,
With fresh and newfound wings.

Stranger Contradictions

Sometimes I feel like a stranger in my own life...
How can one feel so detached at times,
Yet immersed in other moments?

It feels like a mild torture,
But one that I enjoy...
How beautifully contradictory

Quote: Vita & Virginia

"These snatched moments with you are exasperating…. meet me so we may have another.”
-Vita & Virginia

Coffee Induced Chills

Sitting,
In silence.
Holding a hot cup of coffee.
Bringing it to my lips.
Inhale.
Chills grace my skin,
While warmth fills my soul.
In this moment, I am happy.

Cinnamon

Sitting with my coffee,
Savoring the cinnamon aroma.
Sunshine creeps through my windowpane...
Fall breeze, sneaks past my bare feet.
And in this moment,
All I crave is your touch.

Exactly What I Mean

I close my eyes,
And feel a rush.
I lay in bed...bundled tight, in blankets that refuse to do anything but cling to my skin;
And I pretend it's your touch.

I can't help but to dream of you,
As lovers do,
When touch is distant,
And words are all that we can hang on to.

So I whisper to the stars for you,
Feel myself,
And cast a spell for you,
In the last full moonlight this decade holds,
I hold my cards,
And hope you fold.

Your body so soft,
Your soul so hard,
Babe,
Listen... I'm listening,
Just lower that guard.

Let your words flow freely,
As we strip back, and strip down.
Let me hold that heart, for just a minute... let me feel your thoughts and dreams.

You know exactly what I mean.

For What It's Worth

She smells like sunflowers and honeysuckles,
But keep her roots with her,
As she wanders the world.

She drinks too much espresso, 

And can't help but curse.

She loves dancing naked, 

And reminiscing through lyrics of her favorite songs... those moments never lost. 

She sometimes cries until her eyes are blackened with mascara, 

But she always picks herself up, because life is too beautiful, too precious to let it get lost. 

Sometimes she loves too hard, 

That her heart aches... but that pain has only made her stronger. 

She sings to the wind, in hopes it carries her voice,

And gently touches nature, when she needs grounding. 

She is wild, and sees the world through a lens, sometimes out of focus...

But she is undeniably herself,

For what that's worth. 

Late Night Intoxication

Just the thought of you gets my body moving in waves,
Rhythmic.
Imagining how silk-like your skin feels,
Gripping you hips,
And sliding my hands to your ass and gripping again.
The sound of your sigh resounds in my head.
The way we both know exactly what we want, and how to get it...
That alone, is intoxicating.

Fly Swatter

You can try to suppress the thoughts of pain, anxiety, and longing...
But it feels like simply batting away at an annoying fly...
It simply returns, seemingly unbothered,
And more persistent. 

So alone

You ever feel so full that you could burst at the seams...
Like you could let go of the ledge you are dangling from?
And everybody in your life is stepping just  a little more on your fingertips, without even knowing you are about to fall to your death?
I feel that every second of every minute behind my forced smile, and I try to be everyone's crutch...
As I tried to fix, and mend... and help them learn to bend...
I could drown in the chaos,
But find peace as my lungs explode.
You ever feel so surrounded by others,
But feel so alone?

Mourning

There is something so beautiful about this mourning process...

What Would I Say?

What would I say to you?
What would I say to you if you came to me with the same struggles and same woes?
Would I just hold you as you cried?
Would I just catch your body as it went limp?
Would I whisper to you that "It's OK" ?
Would I simply come up with some divine, spiritual, reason as to why your life is simply unfair?
And would it make sense?
Would you believe me, with eager eyes?
Those eyes that were so hungry for life, but just a little lost along the way?
Would I tell you again the importance of family and love, and how it's OK that not everyone is perfect,
Because we are so beautifully flawed.
Would I tell you to be patient,
And teach you the art of acceptance?
Would I teach you all the things I was still in the process of learning, because I knew your soul could master them too?
What would my words be?
How would they be spoken?
Would they be kind, insightful,  softly spoken, but woven with stern boundaries?
This I do know:
I'd tell you it's OK to cry and to feel.
I'd tell you it's OK to be confused, angry and upset.
And I'd tell you: to find comfort in knowing the universe has a plan.

Dear Luke

A sort of emptiness fills my soul.
I see you,
I hear you,
But you are gone.
I reread words exchanged.
I replay victories made.
But this anxiety still fills my chest all the same.
Heart racing, lungs aching as they gasp for breath.
But in my heart and soul I know, that you are where you need to be.
Our conversations about life, death, and rebirth confirmed that for me.
But it is still hard to find comfort in this empty space, that was once held by you.

I know your lessons in this lifetime have been learned and mastered,
I'm sure the lifetime's to come will be filled with pure love and joy.
But I can't shake this feeling.

So often we chart time in years, dates, and numbers... but what really is life made of?
Lessons learned, love earned, smiles sparked...
You taught me so much, whether you knew it or not.

Late night thoughts in Tokyo

My entire life, I've never feared death.
Three times within the last two weeks, I've had moments of fearing death...
But why?
Why all of a sudden have I experienced this fear?
Just some late night thoughts in Tokyo

October Bliss

There is something about October mornings...
Cool breeze,
The smell of Hazelnut coffee before it touches my lips...
Sunflowers in my window, perking up to greet the sun....
THIS is bliss.

How?

When you have so many emotions, so much passion... so much anger, and anxiety, and joy all swirling together inside... and you just want to burst. You want to scream at the top of your lungs, dance barefoot in the rain on a rooftop, and submerge yourself underwater all at the same time... when you want to reach for the stars, and sleep for days... when you want to fight and fuck and feel anythingggg.... but you already feel everything... how is it possible to feel all of this?

A High I Once Knew

I can't help but wonder what raced through your mind, as you spent your night dreaming.
I want to know all of the good, and the bad.
Let me in,
Even if only through your windows.
You let me glance in,
Teasing me with tastes of your reality.
You ignite something in my soul,
 It's electric.
Leaves me longing for more...
This feeling is familiar yet distant,
Like chasing a high I once knew.

Electric

Let me know you,

More than you lead on. 

Let me explore you, past the depths of the earth,

To the edges of each sunset.

Let's drown in the warmth and bliss that overcome us.

Find me hanging on the edge of each word you whisper.

There is something that ignites this passion, this excitement.  

You tell me I'm "electric" 

Maybe that's my downfall? 

Or maybe that's what excites you. 

Think of me when it storms, 

And you see my energy strike beyond the clouds. 

Then feel my rain, wash over you,

In the most intimate of ways. 

Leap

Where will this crazy life take me?
Surely there is so much more ahead.
I feel it,
As if I'm standing on the edge of a cliff.
Butterflies from the fear of falling, but the excitement of jumping.
It is all about taking the leap.

On the Rocks

I'll take you on the rocks,
With a side of lime.
Sea salt in your hair,
No concept of time.

That Dream

I am the dream,

you wish to stay in.
That dream you want to fall back into.

Clumsy LA Nights

Do you remember,
When I tripped,
As you swung me around for a kiss?

And the gate swung shut,
Locking you out.

And we laughed,
As we kissed,
And our teeth touched,
Because of our ridiculously clumsy encounter?

Game

This game we play,
It's fascinating.
A tango of sorts,
A friend described it beautifully:
So much desire,
So little communication.
Who holds the cards now?

Heat

Heat in my chest.
On my skin.
Frustration.
Confusion.
But reminders of who I am continue to surface.

Lost Breath

My heart is broken.
I'm trying to pry...
Trying to tear it open...
Just to see if there is still life left inside.

Moments of happiness mistaken for memories? Hopes? Wishes?


Or... maybe I'm just too wrapped up in these wine soaked woes.

I wait...
Tongue dancing behind my teeth as if maybe they could make a sound.
Or hoping that maybe yours dances faster than mine.

Fear of misreading the signs that this lifetime holds.

Expanding lungs.
Sometimes I forget to breathe.

Chained by The Night

Jaw tight,
Eyes peeled,
Can't sleep again.

Shallow breath,
Head aches,
My body's numb again.

Sober, I lie awake
Wondering where you've been.
Need it,
Need you,
But I'm drowning in silence and white noise.

Feeling heavy,
Knowing I hold the power to float...
Trying to tap into it,
But feeling chained.

It's 3am.

Hello friend,
We meet again.
It's funny how,
We mesh and mend.
Eb and flow,
Meeting at my lows.
You're sly like that,
It's like you know.

Hello friend,
I'm awake again.
Did you shake me,
Wake me,
Break me,
So we'd dance again?
Well here I am,
So take my hand.

Hello friend,
Thoughts race again,
Mind paces back and forth,
Like I'm sinking,
Quicksand.
And there you stand,
Won't take my hand.
But whisper,
"Turn your pain into art again."

Hello friend,
Please meet my pen.
My paint brush,
My notepad,
My keyboard...
My voice...
Yet again.

It's 3am.

Morning Thoughts

And as I soak in the morning light,

 and let the taste of coffee linger on my lips, I can't help but think of your hips against mine.

Final Thoughts

When all is said and done,
And the moon no longer reflects the sun,
You take a look around,
Back on the frozen ground,
Face to the darkest skies...
Screaming at the top of your lungs "Why?!"

But you knew it all along,
Your faded woe-like song.
Pushed all that cared away...

Now you're wishing they had stayed.

Dream to Dream

I wake up,
And I wonder...
Are we still chasing each other from dream to dream?

Just Curious

And if you can't get me off your mind,
What's so wrong with spending time?

Are you down?

Girl  you make me think,

Girl, you make me wanna have a drink... 

Girl, you give me dirty thoughts.

Every time we talk,

It takes a turn,

Down this alley, we both adore

A twisting, winding, unknown fun

When we drink,

When we're sober,

When you're words undress me, and your kiss caresses me all over 

We can't deny,

This beautifully, chaotic journey. 

Are down to ride with me? 

Denial

Black t-shirt,
Loose enough to let me breathe,
While huggings my curves as I lay here.

Contemplating this magic I've created,
This manifestation of the New Moon.
What is this beautiful chaos?

Where is the answer?
Is there one?
Or shall we live in denial?

Taste

Leave me with something to remember, 

my hands through your hair, 

tangled in Egyptian cotton sheets.

Leave me with a memory so sweet,

I can taste it each time we meet.

Tragic Song

Here I am again,
Friends with the night.
An emptiness takes over while my thoughts take flight.

I'm dusted by the desert moon,
The sound of coyotes distant, fright.
But you're not here nor there,
So peace I find, and life I might.

But aching heart
And empty soul...
Sings songs unsung
That no one knows.

I scream and kick,
And toss and moan,
These words unsung... and here they grow.

Simply still,
That child I knew.
Furthermore,
Became and grew.

But here I am,
Caged and bare.
Grasping at, desert air.

I dance and sing,
A tragic song.
One that's familiar,
All night long.

Rusted Hole

I'm broken,
Let's be honest about it.
I mask it quite well when you're under my spell.

Peel back the layers,  only a few have.
But when you don't,
I become numb... distant... and feel my wounds.

I see them when I look in the mirror,
I feel them when I touch my skin,
They pierce my soul,
A rusty nail, that's left a hole.

Places I've Never Been

Soaking in my tub,
Rose petals stick to my skin.
Stuck in my head again,
Acting like it's a place I've never been.

Candle flickers, casting shadows
I pretend , they're dancing
To the songs I write, but only dare to sing in solitude.

Find my lyrics on my voice memos,
Scattered throughout old poetry books,
Etched into my planner,
Places where nobody, but me, ever looks.

And I like to try the small talk,
Even though, you're not one for it.
Unless it's five a.m. in LA,
And there's liquor on my lips.

So here I am just writing poems,
Of places I've never been...
Or have I been those places,
By simply touching your fragile skin?

Maybe I've been to Paris,
And danced away the nights,
At underground rock parties,
Guided only, by city lights.

And maybe I've been to Denmark,
And wore fur while drinking gin...
Or hopped a bus in London,
Partook in lavish sins.

Just maybe I've been these places, I think I've never been.

Reckless

I want to feel alive again,
Feel the wind in my hair,
The sun on my skin,
The freedom that's trying to escape from within.

I want to climb to new heights,
Explore new depths,
Be reckless...

So reckless that fear is the last thought on my mind or word on my tongue.
So reckless that my soul feels electrified and strung on the high.

So reckless, that I fall endlessly into oblivion drenched in iridescent light.

To Be

Capture the moment with me,
The way you capture your breath at three in the morning.

Get lost in my eyes, the way you get lost driving, even with a GPS feeding you directions.

Be passionate with me, the way you are passionate about your art.

Because right now... I need you to be.

Easily Forgotton

Time and time again,
I'm convinced that I could be easily forgotten.

"Call you back"
False hope
From loved ones that have seen it all, but turned a blind eye.

Time and time again,
I'm convinced that my voice is just an echo.
Reverberating into the unknown,
Like a song left unsung.

Time and time again,
I'm convinced that my whisper is just the wind,
Passing by,
On a breezy day in Central Park,
Not a thought to accompany it.

So here I lay again,
Broken,
Bound to my thoughts.
Empty , yet seemingly whole.

Impossible to Understand

And they don't understand,
You're destined for more.

Your body lies cold,
On your hard bathroom floor.

The heat radiates from your soft olive skin,
While the chill of the air, suffocates it.

But they don't even know,
What you're doing it for.
Just another day bound, to your cold bathroom floor.

Such As

Such highs,
Such lows,
Such, as life goes.