You will never be me ;)

I feel bad for you,
because you truly think that second best feels good,
or something like that...
But darling,
I hate to break it to you.
You will Never Be Me.

I am beautiful, thin, charismatic
Joyful, carefree, engaging.
Many envy me for my intelligence  - my personality, and my looks.
I am strong, and strong willed and I always get what I want.
So when I give something up, and you try to scoop it up like a dog begging at a table for scraps...
I feel bad for you.

I stand tall, I'm confident, I see the best in everything,
I am truthful in ways that most don't understand.
I have the world going for me and more.
I respect myself, hence my decisions.
I respect others, which seems to be a foreign ideal to you.

I will do things in my life, and love those who are in it.
I will see the world, while you are stuck inside your self consuming bubble.

How does it feel to be second best?
On the back burner?
I will always be chosen over you.
It's happened time and time again,
and I truly feel bad that you think you are something special.
If something special is hidden, a secret, and constantly talked shit about and thrown under the bus... then damn I must be confused.

I am the best she's ever had and will have.
I make her a better person.
You are not even in the same league,
but just a fun thrill.
If she ever is with you, don't doubt she's thinking of me
If she kisses you, when she closes her eyes she thinks of me,
and anything more than that, you can best believe she is thinking of me.
That's all.

At the end of the day, nobody can love her like me, or hold her like me, or do her as well as I can.
True Story.

I'd stop trying to hard if I were you, you are beginning to look desperate. 

grasp!

I am longing for a full feeling,
something satisfying.
Should I push through to bigger and better things?
Or hold true to what I've worked so hard on,
when different kinds of love flourish my mind with tainted jade colors,
I start to question-
What am I doing here?
What is my purpose?
How much longer will I survive?

I am mentally weak, which is leaving my shell of a body even weaker,
my emotions are gone.
Simply lost in the abyss of the unknown.
How I fear the unknown now,
yet longed it for a long time.

I will remain empty until I find true happiness again,
I have lost it all,
when before I only had moment of  happiness throughout a day.
I want it all of the time.
Day dreaming? Maybe.
But I feel as if it's in my grasp now...

Forever&Always

My heart aches,
the pain is unbearable.
Am I doing the right thing? Or allowing the one I am meant to spend my life with pass me by?
I love her with all of my heart, I am still in love with her,
but have lost some of it along the way.
Is it my fault?
Of course- partially.
Is it hers? I would never want to blame her,
although she thinks I do.
I am not quite sure who's fault this mess of love is.
It is quite possible that it is neither,
it could just be the crossings of the stars.
I know for a fact that she is meant to be in my life Forever;
but what that Forever may be, is becoming more and more unclear.
If I could whisk her away from this place, I Would in a heart beat.
I would make her pack her bags, and leave this all behind with me.
I would hold her every night with a smile on my face, and whisper to her while she is dreaming...
Like I have done every night for three years.
I feel like she doesn't realize that I would give her the universe if I could -
that I want to do well in school so that we could have a life together, full of adventure and pleasure.
But,
here we are.
Fighting.
Endless fighting and torn apart agony.
I want to see her smile for REAL again.
I want to hear her precious laugh and see her emerald eyes sparkle in the sunlight,
while freckles appear on her sun-kissed cheeks.
She is so beautiful to me.
She will always be so damn beautiful to me,
and most of all she will always be my beautiful girl- no matter where the roads take us.
She is so perfect in the most imperfect ways.
Am I really asking for more?
Or am I scared?
Are we too young?
Do we just need time?
Mending is a process that will either naturally happen or naturally not.
But either way, she is my constant.
She has been there for me through thick and thin,
defended me when I needed it,
protected me from what she could,
held me when I cried...
Watched me struggle when my parents split,
Watched me lose my father to another woman.
Watched me deal with my mom when she threatened suicide,
and held me when I cried over songs that reminded me of me and my father when I was a little girl.
I am lost without her,
but lost with her.
I can't function or breathe right now,
and I think of my past.
I am so damn scared of my future.
I'm not sure what it holds,
but I can only hope for the best.
I can only pray for happiness,
and seek out the dreams I hold true to.

There won't be a night that goes by that I don't whisper "I love you, forever and always."
For I will.
Forever and Always.

Because

Last night was a mess...
Today has dragged on.
Fights and pretend make ups.
Blah.

But deciding to not let it get the best of me.
Because... I want to enjoy the sunshine :)

Carefree

My mind is a fog,
I feel as if I am sleep walking.
I wish I could wake up and embrace my life,
the purities of it all.
I run in my sleep to a place called
Far Far Away.
My escape awaits there for me, with arms open wide.
My heart is guarded for reasons of the past,
while it also yearns to completely let go.

I must gain courage to be who I am and express it to the world,
the universe.
For this is me.
I am a free soul longing to dance with the clouds,
and among the stars.

I just want to be carefree

Hectic.

Such a hectic wave of 'to-do's' and 'should i's'
Such a hectic title wave of emotions
HECTIC.

alone in my own 'home'
hot,
alone,
wish I had a book to read.
I love reading.. and writing, but my laptop is broken, so I have no place to save my work...
except here,
and my time is limited on here.
rawr.
must get this new charger soon... and a book...
and a life.

Pretty Please? :)

www.missbikinichallenge.com
^^ go to it.
make an account. and vote ONCE A DAY <3
as much as possible! :)
Thanks 'followers' :)

I want to crawl out of my skin...

There are some things people say and do that make me want to die.
Make me want to crawl out of my skin.
I scream internally for all I want to do is escape,
leave all of this bullshit behind.
Leave this world behind.
I just want to disappear,
to somewhere where nobody knows my name,
where people won't judge me based on my looks...
I guess that is impossible,
the moment I am not present everybody feels the need to drag my name through the mud,
gossip about all that they want me to be and all that I am not.
I am not a mean spirited person,
I don't want people to fail, and I've tried so hard all of my life to be the best that I can be
but it's never enough.

People that I thought were my best friends,
the one that I am supposed to spend my life with,
and people that think they know me, but clearly don't.
I am so alone in this world.
I might as well swallow these five bottles of pills I have sitting here on my dresser,
but I wont.

For hopes of a brighter tomorrow.

Promise of the Sun

"I'll keep my promise,"
the voice echoing in the hall, bouncing off the mirror, comes back to me and whispers.
I did something last night that made me stronger,
and I feel relief of this anxiety stricken world I have been in for so long.

I closed my eyes last night lacking the fear, that had been there all along.
It was so peaceful, so serene.

Did you blow the sun my way with your pure breaths?
Because the sun shines here today, as if it never left.

Rant to a Child

I sit here,
at my blog... my way of escaping ... my way of expressing... my addiction, my problems, and my love.
My writing is sacred to me.
And you...
A mere child.
Uses it against me to essentially benefit yourself.
I was going to make it private,
I was going to confront you...
but behind these words I sit.
Laughing.
For it is pathetic that you think you know what I am writing about.
You have no idea.
And for you to run your mouth to a soul thousands of miles away,
Calling Her.
She didn't call you,
You are such a liar.
I though that you didn't like drama,
I thought that you wanted nothing to do with it, and to make amends with every body in the town.
Well sweetie,
we can all see right through you again.
If you really want to make things right...
1)Don't assume
2)Don't preach what you are unsure of.
3) Don't go behind peoples backs and be deceitful
- Because the truth always surfaces.
And you my dear, are caught up again... as a liar.

So No, I will not delete my blogs or censor my feeling... because a child wants to play games.
This is Mine.
I'd appreciate it if it's the last time you look at it,
but who knows if you even have that little respect for people.

Clarity

I need a night alone and away...
where should I go?
I need to clear this mind of mine.

I beg for clarity.

Just for the moment...

My head spins,
I feel light headed-
I try to smile, I catch myself smiling - both however, feel wrong.
She does everything in her power to make things right-
for the moment.

I have to keep reminding myself... It's just for the moment.

Promises are left empty as she streams kisses, and 'i love you's on me.
They just don't feel right...
They feel so empty.
As much as my soul wants to believe them,
my heart and my head know better by now.
This is not love.
Love does not torture you at your weakest,
kick you when you are down,
or pull you off of cloud nine once you finally reach it.

Love should be unconditional,
It should face uncertainties with compassion, and reason,
not rage and cruelty.

I feel guilty for staying,
for possibly giving false hope when I've already checked out mentally-
when in reality I have told her every day since that I love her, but I don't like her,
and that I fear falling back into her tight, chocking grasp.

I give hints,
leave things vague
-but maybe I should be more upfront.

I am scared of what is to come,
because being unsure is never quite nerving.

I just want this to be over,
I wish we could be friends,
I'd do anything for that girl
but I can't take the emotional turmoil anymore.
I can't compromise my happiness anymore.

I just want to disappear...
because deep down I know...
It's just for the moment that these promises are made,
until things are comfortable again enough to lash out.
It's just a matter of moments before rage enters the home we've built from straw.
It's just for the moment.

BubbleBath*

I dip a toe in, steam rises, my flesh turns red.
It's soothing, this pain.
Heel and to my ankle... slowly.. there you go.
Exhale.
The aroma is fantastic, yet these florescent lights aren't quite doing it for me.
I slide the rest of my bare skin into this scorching abyss.

Exhale again.

My body aches from working,
and I could use the hand of another to rub my body down, from head to toe.
With care, and precision.
Releasing tension from all the right spots.

But here I sit,
in my bubble bath,
alone, where I wouldn't mind some candles or some mood.

I feel rushed, although time has slowed down.
I could use this tension released.

What to do next... ? ;)

Anxiety

My anxiety is through the roof right now,
So I sit here and write.
Banging on the keyboard.
Like it will accomplish something.
When in reality, she knows.
I can see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice...

but nothing has changed and it's only been three days.
ultimatum or not she says she doesn't care
that she wont change
and I say that she must or she will lose me
"I'm already losing you"
she said to me.

My heart broke a little from those words,
but then i reminded myself that even TODAY
she questioned our love, and yelled in my face,
hit herself, the walls and slammed the doors.

It's not worth this anxiety,
it's not worth the stress, or the rage,
the tears, and the pain.

This anxiety is overwhelming.
This pain is unbearable...
and here she is telling me, "It's your fault you walk on eggshells around me."
When I know it's not.
here she is telling me it's never enough.

-Anxiety*

Sleep

As I laid my head on my pillow,
a sense of relief fell over me.
My soul was calm for the first time in a long time,
and I fell asleep.
Quickly,
Deeply,
Peacefully.

So forgive me, for calls unmade-
but be at peace.
For, I slept for the first time in months, without my soul feeling weak.

Now, I don't want sympathy- just an ear to listen...

I am seconds away from calling you...
Literally seconds...
but I am sitting here reminding myself not to do that to you again,
because you don't deserve that.

My world went to shit tonight.
I mentally checked out of my relationship.

I told her everything that I feel about her, because today.. she pushed me too far.
Tables flipped, candle holders shattered, papers everywhere, doors slammed, screaming to the point where when I left the neighbors asked me if I needed help or a place to go at that moment.

I am numb.
I told her I can't do it anymore.
I told her she needs medical help.
I told her how I begged God to take me, how I prayed to die, and how the only thing I look forward to every day is going back to sleep.
Yes.
I told her all of that.
I told her how I felt like the engagement was a joke, and how I felt the ring was a big bandaid on what shes done to me...
I told her that I still wish I was somewhere else.
I told her I won't be with her if she continues to not seek treatment and continues to treat me like a door mat.
I told her that "This is Emotional ABUSE"- which she didn't like, but I didn't care, because it's true.
I told her I don't think we are going to make it.

I was seconds away from telling her I wanted to call you.

I can't do this anymore.
I can't lie to myself.
This is Not Me.

I told her I refuse to remain unhappy,
and I refuse to accomadate for her self pitty, and being miserable.

I'm so beyond done and mentally checked out.
I am not sure where to go from here.
She says she will fix it, but to me those words don't mean anything... because htey have been said one thousand times before.
She said she loves me still, and that she didn't mean what she said or did....so my response was...
"The more and more you tell somebody something, the more and more they begin to belive it. So, I don't believe you love me, and I don't believe you will make this better. "

She cried.
and said she hated herself and wanted to beat the shit out of herself...
so I said "there you go again, turning it around on you"

This is the most vocal I have been in THREE YEARS.
Fuck this shit.
I am not about to submit myself to this torure anymore.

My mind, my body, and my soul can't take it.
Something has to change, and it has to change fast.
I think I am ready to finally do what I have to do to be happy once again, and to be me.

I might live here for a while until I figure my shit out, and so I don't screw her over...
but I told her. I am done helping her.
I really need to do this... and not let those fucking lying eyes get to me again.
I need this for my sanity.

I even told her I asked the doctor to put me on xanax because of the way she makes me feel.
She feels like shit... I know,
but that's just for the time being.
I am faithless.

So here I sit,
wiritng to you,
in hopes you read... how stupid of me to think you will... but i can only hope.

Now bear with me...
even if it's just for the moment.
I could really just use the support,
because the decisions I make in the next few weeks- are going to be ones that affect my entire future.
And I sure as hell don't want to live a miserable life, that of which I've been living.

*Life is too damn short*

l0st

*And here I go again...
...lost in dreams,
...lost in a train of thought...
Lost in it all*

Fixing the Unfixable

Sometimes I wish I could fix all the bad,
change what I've done,
change the situations others experience.
I would never truly wish harm on angels,
for angels need their wings to fly.
Fly to safety,
fly to where you belong.
You are an angel in disguise,
and certainly are capable of giving the world all that you are,
and the world would be blind to reject you.

It's hard to fix the unfixable,
but I truly wish I could.
If I could just touch the face of this angel,
if I could breathe life into her,
if I could make her forget the pain...
I would.

But for now, the unfixable remains broken,
and our lives remain seperate-
and the desire I have to help you, grows stronger everyday.

ChinUpChestOut.