Now, I don't want sympathy- just an ear to listen...

I am seconds away from calling you...
Literally seconds...
but I am sitting here reminding myself not to do that to you again,
because you don't deserve that.

My world went to shit tonight.
I mentally checked out of my relationship.

I told her everything that I feel about her, because today.. she pushed me too far.
Tables flipped, candle holders shattered, papers everywhere, doors slammed, screaming to the point where when I left the neighbors asked me if I needed help or a place to go at that moment.

I am numb.
I told her I can't do it anymore.
I told her she needs medical help.
I told her how I begged God to take me, how I prayed to die, and how the only thing I look forward to every day is going back to sleep.
Yes.
I told her all of that.
I told her how I felt like the engagement was a joke, and how I felt the ring was a big bandaid on what shes done to me...
I told her that I still wish I was somewhere else.
I told her I won't be with her if she continues to not seek treatment and continues to treat me like a door mat.
I told her that "This is Emotional ABUSE"- which she didn't like, but I didn't care, because it's true.
I told her I don't think we are going to make it.

I was seconds away from telling her I wanted to call you.

I can't do this anymore.
I can't lie to myself.
This is Not Me.

I told her I refuse to remain unhappy,
and I refuse to accomadate for her self pitty, and being miserable.

I'm so beyond done and mentally checked out.
I am not sure where to go from here.
She says she will fix it, but to me those words don't mean anything... because htey have been said one thousand times before.
She said she loves me still, and that she didn't mean what she said or did....so my response was...
"The more and more you tell somebody something, the more and more they begin to belive it. So, I don't believe you love me, and I don't believe you will make this better. "

She cried.
and said she hated herself and wanted to beat the shit out of herself...
so I said "there you go again, turning it around on you"

This is the most vocal I have been in THREE YEARS.
Fuck this shit.
I am not about to submit myself to this torure anymore.

My mind, my body, and my soul can't take it.
Something has to change, and it has to change fast.
I think I am ready to finally do what I have to do to be happy once again, and to be me.

I might live here for a while until I figure my shit out, and so I don't screw her over...
but I told her. I am done helping her.
I really need to do this... and not let those fucking lying eyes get to me again.
I need this for my sanity.

I even told her I asked the doctor to put me on xanax because of the way she makes me feel.
She feels like shit... I know,
but that's just for the time being.
I am faithless.

So here I sit,
wiritng to you,
in hopes you read... how stupid of me to think you will... but i can only hope.

Now bear with me...
even if it's just for the moment.
I could really just use the support,
because the decisions I make in the next few weeks- are going to be ones that affect my entire future.
And I sure as hell don't want to live a miserable life, that of which I've been living.

*Life is too damn short*