All the People You Could've Known

 So many strangers you could've known.

Their lives a little less bright, but they won't know the difference. 

What a shame they won't know the love I know-

The smile that I know-

The kind eyes that I know.

They should be envious,

But I can't blame them-

They don't know better.

They didn't weather the storm,

To know the sunshine, like I did.

They're reveling in their ignorant bliss-

Joke's on them, for what they've missed.

But I don't fault them.

All the people you could've known-

Robbed of unconditional love- 

But I'll try my best to show them.

It's a shame,

They know your name,

But not your warmth or your glow.

I'll try to grow-

And touch all of the people you could've known.

...

 I am terrified.

Terrified of myself.

Terrified of my love.

Terrified of my feelings.

Terrified of my future.

Just

Fucking

Terrified.

All because I love.

What is made from love?

 What is made from love? 

Art that provokes,

Words that intrigue-

A home that's warm, and inviting. 

What is made from love? 

A family chosen,

Or blood-

A child born into the loving arms of parents. 

A bond, unbreakable for lifetimes.

What is made from love?

Food that nourishes the soul,

A secret family recipe. 

What is made from love? 

Laughter turned to tears,

Memories of midnight stargazing,

And traveling for years. 

What is made from love?

A dream, that manifests.

A lifelong adventure,

A quiet night's rest. 

What is made of love?

The comfort of a pet-

A song that you birth by humming,

A poem.

What is made of love? 

The stardust in the sky,

The same stardust that makes up you and I.

Mizpah

 Part of my soul-

Seemingly ripped from my chest.

Yet, I know I'm still whole.

I know the part of you,

That built me, that loved me unconditionally- is still a part of my DNA.

But it stretches far past just my DNA-

It is ingrained in my soul.

Imprinted like an ancient, sacred language.

A language that just the two of us share. 

At times I feel your overwhelming sense of love-

The brightest light I've ever known.

I am forever grateful.

Forever lucky.

Forever loved. 

I say "I hope," but I know -

You hear my songs and feed me melodies.

You read my words, and soak them up.

Your soul is everlasting love.

I love you.

Tell Me

Tell me what you're thinking,

I can't see it on your face,

Can't read it in your texts,

Or feel it in your place. 

Tell me what you're thinking-

I'm in touch, but not that good.

I can't read your mind, or read your thoughts-

Though I'm not sure that I would.

Tell me what you're thinking.

The silence seems so loud. 

Our glimpse of captured moments, 

The forefront to our crowd.

Tell me what you're thinking,

You keep it to yourself- 

I want to crack you open,

And hear it for myself.

Tell me what you're thinking,

Are you afraid to face it?

Afraid to share what's in your heart,

Afraid that I might take it?

Tell me what you're thinking,

Is it good, or is it bad?

Does it make you happy,

Or leave you feeling sad?

Tell me what you're thinking,

Does your mind wander without warning?

Do you get caught up in thoughts, 

And shut down when it's pouring?

Tell me what you're thinking,

Are you confused or seeking fun? 

I'm here to stay, and it's OK

To say that I'm just One.

Tell me what you're thinking,

Do you ever dream of me?

Do you hear a song, and sing along,

And wonder what could be?

Tell me what you're thinking,

If a whisper, or a scream.

I'll stand right here,

And hold you dear,

As you open up to me.

A Place to Be

 You are the sweetest drug to have graced my lips,

The taste of chaos,

The taste of bliss.

The dangerous curiosity of it all, has me addicted. 

There is a fire that runs through my veins, as we compare our deepest pain- 

My heart it fucking races, when I see that face, and taste those lips.

But I try to hold on, while letting go- 

Because I truly have no idea of what will come of it all- if anything at all? 

I inhale deeply,  as if I'm trying to encapsulate the moment in my lungs- fueling my heart. 

Oxytocin has me twisted - has me feeling like a fool,  but blissfully ignorant. 

May I separate reality from fantasy? 

Or can we escape to some realm where anything goes? Where the are no rules or societal norms? 

I wake-

Or do I? 

If I do-

I chase the high of the dream all over again, fighting to fall asleep- and wake in the place where we can just be.

It Plays Again

 I'm a dreamer...

My dreams often become my reality, and I can't quite explain it.

But there I am,

Chasing the high I'm left on each time we part.

A drug so intoxicating, it's beginning to scare me.

There I am running through halls, laughing alongside you. 

Pulling you close, as we round a corner. 

And then the lights go out. 

You're gone,

I'm lost.

End scene.

And action.

It plays again.

Hold On

 Here I am,

Dressing the part,

Painting the smile on my face, 

A shade of red that only I can place. 

Here I am,

Walking the walk,

Talking the talk,

Hand over hand, and foot in front of foot.

Here I am,

Caught in this spiral,

Of love, but no lust

Of adventure, but no trust

A shell of what was once us...

Holding on -

I fear my true self-

The lies that I tell myself - it's a mess in my head.

Truly. 

And few know the truth- 

Even more than I do-

But I wane like the moon,

And love strangers who swoon.

Because love is abundant,

And mine, it feels caged-

But caged feels somewhat safe... 

But it makes me enraged.

Though I can't catch a break-

Or my breath-

Waiting on death - to save me,

To change me,

To grow and Rebirth me-

But won't the growing pains hurt? 

Or will I find a soft place to fall?

Will one of them catch me? 

My anxiety shakes me- but can't quite awake me...

I fear what I know, 

And I know this is all.

This is it.

This is the climax of what it is-

And yet, I try to hold on...

Mother Daughter Day

 A mother and daughter sit next to me,

As my feet soak and I pick my polish color.

The little girl is 11,

And her and her mom are having a mother daughter day. 

Her crystal blue eyes, remind me of my own when I was that age. 

She wants blue toes, but a French manicure on her fingers to match her "Mommy"

My heart melts when she says that word.

Her mom so wildly loving the little girl to her left. Asking her about how her day was, and how things are going in dance. The little girl in equal amounts of bliss, enthralled with her mom. 

I'm instantly transported back to age 11. The days when my mom would call my school and tell them I was "sick," when in reality we were having a girl's day! 

Matching nails, lunch afterwards... 

Sneaking sips of my mom's diet peach snapple when she wasn't looking.  

What I'd give to have those days back.

I look to my right,

An empty chair... 

Maybe she's sitting with me after all.

Tears fill my eyes 🤍

Sunlit Capture

 Her soul was soft, but her heart was strong.

She found pleasure in the smallest things. 

The cackle of a crow, 

The breeze of a violent storm, whipping rain against her bare skin. 

The smell of fresh ground coffee beans.

It was the small moments that made her feel alive. It was the small moments she found comfort in. It was the small moments she fell in love with. 

Because each of those small moments are what fed her drive to live, to experience, to love 

Give Me More

 And if the sun never shined again,

On my olive skin- 

I'd know that our sin was beautiful. 

I'd know that my soul was indebted to you, and my heart was at your mercy. 

And I'd be OK with that. 

Because at least I got to love you,

Unconditionally. 

And I know the moments that we shared made time stand still....

Because our souls were on fire,

And still are. 

It is this torture of this human experience,  that made me love you.

It was your flaws and imperfections. 

It was your fierce light, and your laugh.

It was the safety of this secret we've created and held on to. 

I lay down my sword - and allow my raw thoughts to be explored. 

Give me more.

Summer Rain

 Do you ever,

Have tears fall,

When you aren't crying?

Eyes becoming a leaky faucet, 

Or an unexpected summer rain?

Do you feel the pain,

Of the numbness?

Growing in Love

 And there I was...

A live sunflower,

Standing in front of you...

Bare.

Raw.

Unapologetic.

Your gaze pierced my soul with 

Love.

Admiration .

Awe.

You didn't judge that my face turned from the night sky,

Or that I perked up on sunny days.

You simply loved me as I was.

In that moment.

You vowed to keep me safe, with no words at all.

So I grew,

Even more in love with you.

Hell's Eb & Flow

If Hell is where you met me,

Would you show me what Heaven looked like?

Would you take your wings and shelter me,

As bullets made of words fly?

Would you give me back my halo?

Or leave me there to die?

If Hell is where you met me,

Would you sit and watch me burn? 

It's my own grave I would've dug- 

Yet Angels love I'd yearn.

Am I just a fallen Angel,

Or the Demon that I know?

The one that dips in shadows-

To forgo the eb and flow.

Nutured.

 I just need to be...

Nutured. 

Dont care if I stay

 Your words cut like blades,

And I'm left to catch the blood...

Sew myself up.

Accept your apologies like the medication you think it is.

Each cut has caused a scar,

Though I don't speak of them much... 

They're buried under my clothes, 

Near my heart...

One by one, I examine them.

My self esteem dips and dives...

I weave and woe.

At one point I had laid my entire life, my entire heart, all of my love on the line...

And I tried, and I sacrificed...

And have yet to receieve the same level of sacrifice. 

So what do I do, bend and break?

Or bow away?

I feel like you don't care if I stay.

April 29th

When the universe shakes you gently to wake, you listen. You don't fight it... because she's whispering that there is a gentle adventure ahead. The sunrise is beckoning your soul, and why wouldn't you dance with her if you could? Why wouldn't you enjoy the heat of a hottub on a cool Spring morning, with a hot cup of coffee?

Rose Colored Glasses

 Rose colored glasses 🌹 

.

Life is beautiful - 

I used to get angry at the clouds and the rain. Cursing them as they'd roll through. Now, I beg them to be wild, so that I can dance in their danger and chaos. 

I used to hold back my smile, as a way to control how others perceived me (as if my eyes didn't give it all away). Now, I let my emotions run free- proudly showing off my dimple, the one I used to hate so much.

There have been times that I've fallen out of touch with my soul, and walked through life blind to the beauties around me.

Now, my visions are clear, reality is mine to perceive and mold.

There's something bold, about these rose colored glasses. My perception is my own.

Catch Me

 Some days...

Some nights...

I want to leave this realm,

Because I know deep down- your embrace will be waiting for me on the other side.

That warm, comforting, motherly embrace.

I'm not quite sure you understand how much I miss you. 

Will you catch me if I jump?

I Chase

 I find myself chasing the art of the Sad Girl,

You know,

The creative, ominous, ambiguous vibe that She puts forth.

That mystery that continues to run wild in the moonlight. 

My how I've mastered her at such a young age, and continue to chase her through my lows. 

She's such a beautiful mess- one that I understand so deeply...

One whose words cut like razorblades across a mirror- etching in the word "Hopeless"

What a pretty little mess.

But she's not as cute and airy in your thirties... and probably even less cute in your forties... but damn, she always seems to look good. 

Am I seeing her right? 

Whiskey lingers on her breath,

Her chest gets red,

Xanax slows her breathing,

Mascara smudges under her eyes...

She pinches her thighs- imagining she was just a bit thinner.

And her eyes...

Those eyes...

Crave light.