Edging

 How do you do what you do to me,

From thousands of miles away?

Land, sea, air and time -

A brilliant barrier,

Yet you still have a hold on me.

How is it possible,

That I only know your voice, bits of your soul, and your beautiful smirk,

Yet I feel like I know your touch, your kiss, and your energy?

You have me on edge.

Edging me, with your words...

Ever so carefully, and meticulously,

Like you have a plan...

I'm craving the experience of all of you... every last drop of you...

I'm parched, yet drenched in the idea of you.

I want to taste you on my tongue, 

I need to feel your sweet skin pressed against mine...

I want to linger in moments of playfulness and seriousness- a balance I'm sure we can find.

I'm fiending for you like a drug that I've become addicted to; but how?

The anticipation continues to build,

Erotically, and mentally stimulating me.

Leaving me wanting more.

Too Much to Ask?

 This is the last time I'll get on my knees for you,

With tears in my eyes,

But instead of asking you to understand me, 

I'm asking you to leave me the fuck alone...

Move on with your life. 

The damage is done, it's your cross to bear,

The line in the sand, can't be moved, here nor there.

Please take all your things, and leave me the rest,

If I'm honestly speaking, it is for the best.

Being removed has made me renewed, 

A vision more clear than I've had in the past.

I'll cherish the good, try to forget the bad- but for the sake of us all, let's lay this to rest.

Goodbye and so long,

I wish you nothing but the best- 

But for fucks sake, leave me alone-

Is that too much to ask?

Vintage Wine

 Open up my mind, 

Like a vintage bottle of wine-

Waiting to be tasted and explored for the depths of my soul.

Aged and eager, for somebody to appreciate the intricacies.

Let me take you on a journey to where I've been, and where I'll go, from start to finish.

The finish will be so complex and sweet- a journey that will be imprinted in your soul for lifetimes. 

Let me linger on your lips, then on your mind, and on your hips;

Step into this realm with an open mind, and watch the world around you expand. 

Colors will be brighter, 

Music will become ingrained in your soul, flavorful and full of movement.

You will find freedom in expression and exploration. 

Are you down to get a little drunk on this journey of a lifetime?

Grab my hand, I'll show you the way. 

A Little Stoned

 Sitting here a little stoned,

Can't help but think of you- 

Letting my mind roam

Exploring your pages, has been an experience I hold dearly.

My breathing slows,

As I try to remember the way you taste, the way you sound, the way you scrunch your nose when you laugh.

I am instantly transported to flashes of moments, some captured and stolen, with you.

And how those memories, feel so damn good.

Happiness

 For years, I forgot what it felt like to wake up happy...

Like, genuinely happy.

As I sit here and sip my coffee, out of my stoneware mug, I can't wipe this smile off of my face.

Something that feels so right, so natural, and something I should have never let go of. 

Today, I love myself.

Today, I love my life.

Today, I woke up happy. 

I've been waking up happy for a few months now, but cutting that final lifeline has been a gamechanger. 

Morning music, morning muses, and morning moments- 

I stay grateful.

Grateful for this peace I've learned to reclaim, grateful for the adventures that await, and grateful for this life that is my own. 

Happiness feels like a right,

It no longer feels like something I have to earn. 

So, to my past self:

I love you. You deserve to be happy. You're going to discover that again soon.

Goddess

 You intoxicate my mind and arouse my soul.

Your energy intrigues me, while teasing me and pulling me in.

Your mind is dressed in sophistication, adorned with playful gems.

I bite into a piece of black licorice and imagine you taste as beautifully complex.

You've already begun to undress my soul, leaving me bare at moments, yet you don't cast judgement.

Breathe me in, like the crisp winter air. 

Allow me to awaken your senses.

No reason or rhyme is necessary.

Just flow, and feel.

Tangle me in sheets, the way you've tangled me in beautiful conversation.

Dig deep and explore my constellations.

Brace yourself for this magical, wild ride...

Let's have some fun. 

xx

All of the Love Letters I Never Gave You

 Do you ever wonder, 

About all of the love letters I never gave you? 

Some of them, I know you've read, while others are tucked away in the depths of my heart. 

Some were stolen, as I shared tears with you, while others were willfully exposed through my gaze and touch. 

These love letters are many, some long and some short- but all rooted in my love for you, nonetheless.  

A few were shouted at the cold night sky, while others were whispered as your slept. 

I am almost certain you aren't aware of the gravity of my love for you; though I do think your soul has an inkling. 

I can't explain it-

It's like an invisible tether,  has linked us for lifetimes. At times, I have past life memories return and rush in; while at other times, I feel a bit foolish for feeling the way that I do.

But even in the moments of foolishness, I feel unconditional love and bliss.

I find it hard at times to balance,

The friendship and the sisterhood, with the feelings that run deeper.

It's the rush I get when I see you, the warmth that I feel when I hold you, and the calm that I feel when you play with my hair as we lay in silence. 

While simultaneously telling myself, to reel it in, because I don't want to ever ruin the friendship, sisterhood, and soul contract that we share.

I have moments of "fuck it" coupled with moments of "what if" coupled with moments of "if only," and it is the most beautiful feeling of madness I've ever experienced. 

So for now,

I'll continue to tuck them away,

Those love letters I've never given you; 

For now, I'll keep them safe- close to my heart. 

I'll share them as time unfolds, in ways only you and I fully know.

I'll walk this tightrope, and learn to master this balancing act- for you are cemented in my soul.

Thank you for being you, and allowing me to share my unconditional love. Thank you for being you, and receiving me as I am. Thank you for being you, and exposing all of your darkest corners and brightest light; and trusting me with them. 

I love you, from now until the end of all times. Unconditionally, and unapologetically. 

Wild Ride

 It is crazy how after over a decade of knowing and loving a person, they can become a stranger overnight.

It is one hell of a wild ride, 

They no longer act like the person you believed them to be, and this requires a protection of your heart and soul. 

You must learn to let go of the idea of "protecting them," and embrace the idea of protecting yourself. 

When it comes down to your mental health, your feelings, your emotions, your well-being versus their; always choose your own. They will find their way, and you no longer owe them your kindness, your gentle heart, your care and your protection. 

I'm not saying actively try to hurt them, at all. I'm saying, there will be moments where a decision will either hurt your heart, or theirs. It is OK to choose yourself. There is no perfect world where some decisions will be at peace with both parties. Put yourself first.

When somebody's true colors shine through, believe them. Not the 100th time, but the first time. It may be hard, but it will save you from years of turmoil and repeated heartbreak. 

Take accountability,  where accountability is due, and do it radically. I am not perfect, you are not perfect- and neither of us fully owned that, until the bitter end.

As much as this all pains me, I know that I will heal in time. I know that you will heal in time... it is wild to me that so much is hitting me now, but I will disect and work through it. 

Wishing you a world of peace, love, adventure and joy.

-G

Does She Know?

 Does she know that you told me she was straight and had a boyfriend?

Does she know that you told me you weren't into her "like that."

Does she know that makes you a liar? 

Does she know you initially said you just wanted a "break," but I told you we weren't 16, and we weren't taking a "break," it was all or nothing.

Does she know that when you came back from your stay in Vegas, you sat me down over coffee and told me that you missed me and our morning coffee together... and that you missed our routine?

Does she know that same day, you told me all of her "red flags," including but not limited to: she keeps her place darker than a dungeon and doesn't believe in natural light... that she doesn't have a coffee maker and she drinks Monster for breakfast (and I laughed, saying "That's what you get for dating a 20 something,")... that she "sleeps all day and is up all night" and that you were bored because you're an early riser... and that she wouldn't let you watch a movie with subtitles when it's basically a necessity for you? Oh... and that you didn't have that much in common because she is "so young, and it shows."

Does she know on August 8, 2024 you wished me a "Happy Anniversary" on what would have been our 12 year? 

Does she know that you told me you thought you were in love with her... but would never tell her... only to 5 minutes later say , "But you and I are soulmates" to me? Then ask me if I thought we would ever get back together down the road...

Does she know about the novels you texted me every night from 11pm-5am for a week straight?

Does she know I threw out your strap on underwear? And that we laughed together about it after the fact... I still laugh about that at times. 

Does she know your deepest darkest secrets? The ones nobody else does, but me? I know she doesn't. 

Does she know you talked shit about all of the girls on that tour, prior to meeting them, and that I'm the one who convinced you to take the tour? Probably not.

Did she know my fucking family was in the audience in the NY show?

Does she know that you left me our Christmas ornament and purposefully placed it where I would find it this holiday season? 

Does she know you had her do everything on your most recent tour, that I did for 12 years? Our friends even joked and said "Gabs, it's like she's trying to replace you."

Does she know you reached out to my family after you moved out? 

Does she know you texted me on Thanksgiving ? 

It's a shame.

I mean, I'm glad you're getting laid...

I thought we were family. 

But you'd rather chase fame.

You were so volatile toward the end,

I didnt even know who that person was

What a God Damn shame.

But I want you to know,  one last thing: 

I don't hate you. 

I never will. 

It didn't work- your fits of rage to make me hate you.

I'll always have love for you, regardless of the pain.