out.

readytogetthefuckout.
cant wait.
been waiting for way too long...
goodbye sweet sorrows... hello twisted soon to be reality.
how i've missed my home away from home.

Contradition

One shall never forgive the agony placed upon them when it comes from my dark soul.
Embrace my flaws- accept them, for they are far too terrible to be added into such a pure life
fallen
I
am.

I have hit rock bottom with intentions of embracing the dirt my face lays on now.

Go forth and reap what you deserve in the moonlight- let the clock strike twelve and be on your merry way. For happiness lies beyond me- it truely does.
If you ever believe anything that these rosey lips speak- believe this:
I will always fail at donating undying love- although the love will be there it is caged in - and inside this cage it shall never break free

The lights dim everynight, the moonlight creeps in my window and kisses me goodnight
I slip away... slip away into the unknown..
the unknown that I've known for so long now- the unknown that allows me to swallow and enjoy.
The unkown I've immersed myself in for five days now...

The incredible uknown contradiction of life... the inbetween.
Run fast and don't look back.
See my soul and our endless nights as a mere memory, as a facad. . .
Remember them as dilusions and false pretenses and caution yourself from those like myself.

failures.


*missed the boat- modest mouse*

Tantalizing Numbness

I crave the thrill, the highs the lows
There is something sick in me... I am truely sick.
Beautifully sick.

The rainbow words stream down my page like technicolored raindrops...
   dropping.
                    .
                       .
                          .
Ever so slowly- my sick twisted realities haunt me, and I embrace them like the sweetest nightmare of a fairtytale in my dreams.

Soon I shall escape reality for a mere blink of an eye- I will forget for just one week
            the poison is calling my name from afar

yet the warm sand and gentle sun will scorch my heart
      into firey flames of forgetfulness....
but only for one week.

Vague Detailed Rejoinder...

It was almost like a dream- a lie filled dream of empty emotions
A young girl strolling along in her life- without a care in the world...
fearing... fearing to let anyone in.
her worries, her fears, her cautions she should have held dear.

So guarded her whole life until she was failed by two... now three.
Her fairytale ending was never meant to be, because in fairy tales there is not pain, sweet silence of mortality.

Along came a girl who kicked in the door, who had her whole life, her heart, on the floor...
until one day - her heart made a sound... an echoing dilemma to always resound.

Their never-fairytale was broken from stone... and sent to the depths of the merely  unknown.

Love entered her heart- she slowly gave in... then realized that love, was lost and a sin.
She pushed and the twirked her suddle goodbyes - and tears fell like raindrops from the other girls eyes.

She knew the pain she caused was suddenly final- could she live with herself?
Maybe just for a while...

It will settle in once again, like it has in the past- but she reminded herself that "baby, this is the last."

Her guard went back up, though she'll never forget..
    that girl that kicked in her door.. the one who truely never left...

Stranger

Foreign you are.
How it phases me - yet doesn't surprise me.

Lost in oblivion forever is how you will live your life.
Forever is a long time.
I hope that it haunts you till your soul rests.

Never again will you hear the laughter from a sweet soul, see a smile that brings sunshine.

You will never gaze at the stars the same, never feel the warmth that a sunrise brings - you shall only feel the chill that sets in after a sunset.

Silly little games - Children of the darkness

The games that these children play in the dark streets is so serene... so epic, so endearing.

How I long to play with them...

Throw rocks in the lake of agony.
        Let           Them          Skip.

Rocks... breaking the waters surface
                   Beautiful, ignorant children...
You should never throw stones in glass houses.

Roadtrip

How I long to let this music blare
let down my hair- on my way.
The hours they pass- but moments they last,
every minute closer, leads to a fragment more of anxiety- pure blissful anxiety

The scenerios embrace my thoughts, race through them, and allow them to run wild
As wild as I'd like to be
Wrapped, euphoric, the sheets entangle us.

The rush feels like the cool autumn breeze
So intimate- so foreign, yet so lovely

The wide open road leads to endless possibilities

Supernova

The intrinsic colors of mystery rain over us
Sprinkling so light, yet storming at the mere moment of passion.
Each mile grows with a brighter color

Lingering thoughts, sugar tasting sweet like a technicolored bliss;;
This passion runs through my veins like a
wild sea of fuchsia

Floating along is so peaceful, and so full of adventure.
Secret adventures that capture my mind;
Scarlet poppies lead me down the path of discretion

Blissfully enjoying my technicolored warmth.

The Light

"It gets better"- it's easily said...
Peaceful silence sounds more appealing.
Breaking free is more rewarding.

Breathe in sweet child- your shallow breaths will
gain strength
My promise is not empty.

The light glistens- so follow it.
Not the light in front of your visage,
the light at the end of the
Tunnel or Struggles.
You will conquer, you will gain
sanctity and sanity.

There is so much to hold on for.
They cry of a newborn, the singing of baby birds-
the mere value of helping another.

You are cherished here.
You are adored- so break the violence,
Expel the silence.
Hold onto the pure white light of
Hope and Life.
Breathe in Sweet Child.

*This poem is dedicated to vicitims of suicide, loved ones of suicide victims, and those contemplating suicide. There is always a way. You are loved. it DOES get better.*

Temptation

Something swinging, dangling on a thread...
about to snap-
just right there in front of me
Will I grab it?
This temptation is too much- more than I can handle
I shall fullfil many temptations but this one?
Sweet as the fall breeze gracing my face-
so sweet, to the very taste

Taste it.
Temptation.

Numb

Numb- a feeling so comfortable.
Tired of feeling so numb- I want to feel again, to breathe again.
How long will it take for feelings to come back?

It seems as if the only things that make me feel anymore are my dreams... dreams so far fetched that I wish I could choke them in my grasp.

Your skin so fair, so beautiful- it haunts me, my soul.
You are like a ghost- so there, so real, yet unable to touch
The smoke burns my soul- ashes of my heart cover the glass floor I lie on.

Why do I dull my own capacity
Why do I let beautiful extraordinary experiences pass me by?
I will stop letting comfort hold me back.
I will take on the world one step at a time.

What if?

Lost

Longevity lingers… my breath is weak, and fable.  It’s dark now.

So dark in this life of light. It’s a deep indigo color when I close my eyes.

The stars don’t shine here- everybody appears to be a mirage.

Is this breath I take even real? Does it hold true to the definition of life?

Happiness holds warmth but seems to be so distant.

If there is a light at the end of this deep dark winding underground- reveal it.

Breathless lungs- tattered breathing

Distinction of Love

Hate you?
How could I? I wish it was that easy.
The pure distinction of love that we have is merely nothing more than fiction and facades.
Lies, I'll take them- I have no choice
Molly- I know about her, and your intamacy with Her, I know about that too
Why lie? Little, white, pooling, lies of love.

Action, will I take it? How could I- but I will.
Crawling back hands and knees to the fiction fairytale facade- open up.
I now realize I am more pure than you allowed me to be, more pure than you wanted to admit I was, I am.

Let's erase- start from square one- although part of me wants to cut the last piece of paper.
Confusion induldged in dillusion, our pathetic distinction of love.

Set me free? Please...

Pathetic Piece of SHIT

Lies slip through your teeth
You are a pathetic excuse for a human being.
Fucking her? How did it feel- i hope it felt good enough-
to Lose me.
Forever.
Don't ever come crawling back.
Hope your moment of satisfaction leaves you with a lifetime of happiness, because you LOST a LIFETIME of us.
Fuck You.

Capital C

You tell me to try, to atleast mend;;
How the fuck can I when your poisonous words and actions don't allow me to even mutter?!
Get off your high white horse; take a step back.
Just because your mensturating emotions allow you to lash out doesn't merely make it right.
Fuck you for being fucking brat at this gentle moment in time,
Fuck the fact that i am so head over heels for you
and fuck my weakness for not snapping back...

OK,
now that my rant is done...
Hey Mr. Grumpy Gills... smile you brat. Loveyou.

Naivity

You lie in your simplistic skin, still naive
Believe it or not my rage is out-thrown due to the fact that my gentle soul is scared for you
A lifetime that I've longed for is the image that reflects through her words- while her actions are deflected onto you.

The wrestless nights that we spend together and you lying in your own bed; alone, and ignorant to the harsh reality;

Breathe-
although my rage may come out; i am now holding back
your lessons will linger in your fragile thoughts- as my poisoness knowledge rings throughout mine.

She holds me, tainted as I am, broken, as I lay- and less naive than you; but still a mere child.

Throbbing

My head is pounding- room spinning
Heart Throbbing
What have I done? How have I betrayed such a beautiful soul?

I'm empty inside
Stringing along the beautiful to an end of despair is the most horrific thing in ones experiences
Never again will I fall the way my world did on me last night
Never again will I betray another like I betrayed your beautiful soul

Hold me, tell me it's going to be alright
Where is my rewind button?
All I can seem to find is the Stop button of life.

"Sorry" couldn't fill how I actually feel

Spill to me how to make it better- spill to me all of your worries and uncertainties

How could one want such a terrible creature like myself?
The beauty lies in love I suppose...

Shame

You all should feel ashamed- down and out
Disapointed in who you've become
the shattering of dreams of others
the stones thrown in glass houses

A million and one broken souls

Does it taste good to be bitter- to run your mouths?
Does it feel good to stab and poke and prod others' lives?

The disease you've aquired is fatal to more than one party
Look up from the ground
Be positive -

Embrace a broken soul- rebuild it
Because all you want to do is tear it down

Wonderland *

It's like the sky is colored a pink lemonade color
The sun a bright - ray-  shining and hitting the crystal water
The glistening is love
The love is pure
Twirling and turning- bubble gum kisses and candy hearts
The singing flowers
Euphoric feeling- Welcome to Wonderland


<3

FauxPas

It's uneasy and sickening
the torn spool of thread weakens

Laughing in the face of mere simplicity- mere ignorance
Lies are forming on a regular
the coating to what makes you feel good about the rotten fruit underneath

Oh child- learn more- give more, forgive, and speak less of the imperfections of others
the beauty of reality is in imperfections
FauxPas

Pain

Do you see what you’ve done?

The shattered pictures- the setting sun

My childhood memories all just a mere façade of what I believed to be true

You tugged, and tore- the end was near, and lied when asked

But why? Why would you allow the dying to die and the killer to kill?

The white horse and my knight in shining armor, my idol, I always strived to be like you

You had all of the answers and you threw my trust away.

You did not only betray your fragile queen but the setting sun set on everything you two built from the ground up- every moment that passed by a little bit of each of us vanished like dust in the wind.

I want you to know I still care, and love, and the little girl inside of me still longs to be in daddy’s arms- but this inner child fears the wrath of her father- if he could scar her so bad once he sure could do it again

The love of a daughter to father never dies-  passionate insecurities will always remain

If my own father could scar me so could any man or woman that come into my life-

Let’s go back a few years where we were a happily stable household. A cherished family, looked up at- Fuck you for doing this. This pain will never cease fire on my soul.

It’s NOT OK.

It will NEVER be the same.

I’ll try to be strong as possible but no promises are made- I’m beautifully broken- perfectly torn, Jaded and betrayed.

You live on*

My trembling hands are left shaking at the thought of you

Your beautiful eyes that touched the souls of the wounded, your crooked smile that lit up the sky like one thousand fireworks

There was so much left unsaid and so much left untouched

You live on forever beautiful boy- yet the moments pass as my time to see you again races

There is never a moment you aren’t with me-The golden pearly gates await me and you will be there with open arms

The salt I taste on my lips is only me being merely selfish, but I can’t help but to wish I could hold you again- or wish to hear your voice-the only place I will is in my dreams- so close yet so far away

You live on

Dedicated to : KevinGoich  ((RIP beautiful boy))

Dying Rebirth

Naked.
Vulnerable to the worldly views of others yet not quite tainted in the ways one should be.
Broken and shattered on the floor of despair
but
a ray of sunshine- hope generating sunshine graces my delicate cheek
Breathe life into this gentle soul
Smother the cries of the past and embrace the beauty that lies within
I only hold what is now true
Not what you said I was. Not what you wanted me to be.

Fuck you and your undying judgements and let downs
Fuck you and your emrald piercing lies that lead you to an unhealthy poisoned life

I lay here

Naked. Broken. So sure that I was what you said I was- yet knowing that I am who I am

You have shaken me- gently. fiercely.
Our backs to eachother with our grips so hard on the knives that are caught.

Sunshine.
Sunkissed- you pulled me from the destruction... of my enemies- of myself.

Dying rebirth of me has now taken over my fragile mind.
          Renewed.

If only-Release.

If only::
you knew
how my heart throbbed
to scream
those words
those three words

Release::
the thoughts in my mangled mind
the feelings in my mangled heart
this delicate breath from these tattered lungs

Flutterbies

Twisting and twirling into emotions unknown
so hard- so fast - the beauty lies within the blind

Understanding and logic are hand in hand
Leaving flutterbies every
    step
       along
          the
             way

Breath of Fresh Air

Falling down.
Nothing bad- just the pure bliss of crashing
My mind wanders into the depths of the future. How can this be? So soon.
Too soon
Who knows

My grace- sweet, beautiful, blissful, grace is what you have become to me
The seconds pass like days while I am not with you
The comfort you bring me is truely wonderful- truely beautiful
like you.

It is almost as if my endearing thoughts are distant- almost like a dream
Catch me? You do.

Hoping is all I can do
You are like the sweetest breath of fresh air the earth has allowed me to intake.

Inhale.

Just a Lesson

You made my soul vein and trashed the life I lived
The facade of who you are crept up on me
The dawn took over my soul
Your poison forever tainted me- forever jaded me
How does it feel to suck the life out of a soul?
I'm sure it is a bitter sweet taste on your lips that lingers for a lifetime.
Your words are like razor blades cutting at glass- leaving marks, but never breaking

Strong I stand, with my head held high- my back to you- and my dreams back amoung the stars.
For now you are mearly but a lesson I had to learn.