Pink Lining

Driving home,
A head cluttered with thoughts,
Tank on E
Blank stare,
Broken
By the pink lining
In the
Sky.

Art

Bare skin,
Never perfect.
Eyes stare into the distance -
Love lost within the night,
A figment or a pleading flight?

Is all of this, real or fake?
An illusion- delusionary state?
Lost in sessions of imperfections and my moderate mistakes.

This bed-
It's empty  but full of stories to tell.
Listen carefully,
These stories are painted for only those who admire,
The art of
Seduction.

I Wonder.

Silence,
I am captivated by the silence and stillness that surrounds me.
Serene is the world that encompasses me,
And somehow I find peace in this idea of eternal bliss,
Eternal stillness,
Eternal slumber.
I wonder:
'Do others feel so peaceful, so unafraid, so clear minded before doing what we view as selfish acts?'
I wonder.

I am not scared,
I am alone-
But that is nothing new.
I am calm,
My breathing is shallow, and evenly flowing in and out of my tired lungs.
This can't be it.
Life on Earth-
There has got to be something better,
Something bigger,
Something more exciting that comes next.
I am anxious to find out.

Inside Out

Guilt,
Eats me from the inside out,
Just wishing it would eat the calories I've consumed.
Indulgence,
A weakness of mine.
I look in the mirror and see imperfections,
Nasty, obvious, and growing imperfections...
Crawling out of my skin,
Into my reflection,
Tearing her apart.
Words creep into my tattered mind.
They wound,
They scar,
Even more than before.
Will these demons ever stop
Tearing me apart?
Piece by piece?
Inside out?

Through My Eyes

Suffocating with more than enough fresh air to breathe
Drowning in my own demise.
Stuck in a cycle, that I know to well-
I only remember solace in your eyes.

A simple touch,
Would be more than nice.
A warm embrace through just one night-
But instead I am drowning,
Suffocating in this fresh Spring air.

Take me there,
I hate it here.
I have the numbness that encompasses me-
I hate who I've become, and who I might be...
I drown in sorrows bittersweet.
But once again, You're far from me.

You turn my angst,
Into your pain,
Instead of listening - it becomes a game,
Of who has it worse,
It's always you...

Why for once, can't you see it through...
My crying eyes?

Goodnight

"Goodnight" I whisper as my eyes grow heavy...

Clarity in The Shadows

Let her light create shadows,
and her shadows create clarity.
Her gaze cast to the skies,
She wonders "Is there Heaven and Hell?"

Sky drenched in fire,
She smiles.
Her breath is shallow, but just enough to keep her heart beating.
Not much makes her heart beat anymore nowadays...
But sometimes when her heart stops it is more exciting than the pounding of its beat.

She decides to make today a productive one,
In her own way,
That many would argue is far from productive.

Caressing her face,
Her hair dances with the slight breeze.
She fabricates the next story she will write,
A hopeful fiction,
Laced with lust and love under pale moonlight.

Press.

Let the sky open up,
Let her swallow my soul.
Let her patience wash over my addiction

Her light is ever changing,
Like the ever changing  permanence of our spirits.

Closing my eyes,
I long for her embrace.
So I whisper to the wind,
"Come Close, Lay Close, Press your naked body against mine..."

Cold Night in Hell

After a day of numerous stressors,
Denials,
And reconnecting with old friends,
My weary soul just wanted to collapse.

Collapse into a pile of clouds,
Collapse under the brightly lit moon,
Collapse in the cool, spring breeze in upstate NY.

I wanted to wander,
Forests familiar and new,
Hilltops overlooking a view of my past,
And just listen to the coo of an owl as she welcomed the night.

But instead I became captivated by the moon,
Her light-
The fact that her light might already be dimmed,
And it is something we wouldn't know about for years to come.

Tonight I close my eyes,
Longing a true, warm, embrace,
But the only embrace I have is that of my demons and this cold night in Hell.

Lesson in The Whole

Last night I learned a lesson,
Had somewhat of an epiphany.
Stillness and Bliss go hand in hand for me.
They are two in one.

I also realized that I am not selfish but self-caring and self-loving.
And in order for a soul to thrive in this universe, one must ultimately be self-caring, and self-loving.
These two things are far from selfish,
They are essential to our spiritual make-up.

All of the people we meet,
All of the people we take into our lives,
Into our hearts,
And all of the people we love- intentionally or unintentionally,
Become part of us.
They become part of our growing super nova,
They become part of our seemingly huge to us, but retrospectively small, Universe.

In order to truly honor ourselves,
In order to truly love ourselves,
We must honor those that surround us.
We should not sacrifice our own well-being,
But we should sacrifice our self-indulgent behaviors.

Initially,
This might be hard.
We humans, are self-indulgent creatures.
We are constantly stuck in a dialogue of the past or future,
But let's focus on the present.

Last night,
I simply Was.
And it was the most beautiful thing I've experienced in a long time.
I was finally able to realize that I am only hurting myself,
By hurting others,
So I need to love, honor, and respect others,
In order to love, honor and respect myself.

Lesson in The Whole.

Rain or Shine

Let's dance in the rain,
Wash away any pain,
Rain or shine-

I feel the storm,
Rolling through,
Dance with me,
I'll dance with you.
Rain or shine.

Castle on a Hill

Today.
Doylestown, PA.
My sacred place.
My castle on a hill.
Fronthill Castle.
Aching for serenity,
Going to create.
Peace,
Love,
Joy,
Bliss.
My castle on a hill.

Midday
Spring weather,
Almost better.
Hours,
Just a few.
Caught in hope,
Left to likely be unsatisfied.

Well Soon.

Staring out my window,
Brown brick wall in front of me,
Coffee almost empty.
The first cup I've had in days.

Lungs are still tired,
Body is still aching,
But recovering.
I feel Summer on her way through my window.

My cats chatter to me, as if we are having intellectual conversation,
So I respond in French,
To practice.

This illness couldn't have come at a worse time.
I leave for NY on Sunday afternoon,
I have off work Monday - Wednesday next week,
And have missed Tuesday-Thursday this week.

I beg my body to heal,
But surely everything happens for a reason.
I acknowledge the illness,
And cater to my sick needs.

Sun peeks through my window,
Taunting me to come play,
Oh how I wish I was well enough to dance in her rays,
Soon.
I can only hope,
Soon.

Search and Reach

Recovering,
Physically-
Preparing,
Mentally.

I lay in this empty bed,
Trying to clear my head-
What should be said?
Or left unsaid?

My hands, slowly aging
As my fingers grace these keys-
I close my eyes,
Search and reach serene.

Seven Days

This time in Seven days,
I can only guess where I might be.
I know the town, I know the place,
But not too sure of the spacial plane.

This time in Seven Days,
I'll be physically tired,
But hopefully my soul will feel rejuvenated.
One can only hope,
One can only plead with Mother Universe.

This time in Seven Days,
Will I be inside or out?
Will I be alone or in the company of another?
Will I be cold, or warmed by a foreign soul?

This time in Seven Days,
Will my lips be speaking truth?
Will they be tangled up in you?
Will they be silenced?

This time in Seven Days.

Grace

Let me be graceful when I lack grace.
Let showers of peace wash over me.
Let the sunlight kiss me through my dirty window.
Let me discover the right in all of the wrongs.
Let me find the way,
My journey,
Is meant to lead me.

Babble

As I close my eyes,
Rest my soul,
And enter a world where dreams become reality,
Where a dimension of alternate reality sets in,
I reflect on my breath.
I take this time,
Deeply inhale,
Smile,
Exhale.


For just the memories of you,
Make me feel whole.
In This Moment.
Bliss.

Let us meet in our dreams,
In places familiar,
Yet daringly strange.

Take me,
Hold me,
Kiss me hard,
Miss me harder.

Break me,
Love me,
Break me again.
I love the thrill.

The Way

The rain falls harshly on my windshield,
It blurs my vision,
Wipers off.
I am aching to be present today.
So I start now.
No thinking of the past,
Or the moment that comes next.
Living in the now,
And loving it.
The way love is meant to be.

Concrete

Glass, shattered everywhere.
Sounds and lights seemingly going in slow motion after impact.
Screams of two others.
One in the passenger seat- seat belt on.
The other, in the back seat, not strapped in.
Not a single scream from my mouth.
Silence.
I felt peace,
As colors of blue and black spun around me,
As screeching and screams merged into one symphonic sound.
Passing headlights leaving beautiful streams of light,
Painting my vision like a galaxy.
Airbag deployed,
Face hitting the steering wheel.
Putting my arm up to stop the person in the back from flying forward,
Unsure if it worked.
Concrete.
We hit a concrete barrier,
After swerving,
After them telling me to pull over,
They could tell I was tired.
But I could barely hear them.
I was so caught up in my selfish thought, and self pity.
The sound of the rumble strips,
Didn't snap me out of my daze.
Concrete.

I woke up.
Not panicking,
Slowly breathing.
Not afraid in the slightest.
It was all so real...
It felt so fucking real.
Why couldn't it have been real?
I was ready to meet my maker,
I was ready to be reborn...
But instead,
Here I am.
Lying naked,
In this bed,
That is empty.

Epiphany

I'm seeking Enlightenment, but living in Hell.

Dedication

"Take a moment to set an intention... Dedicate your practice to something tonight... Even if it's something simple... Set an intention."
I smirked,
My cheeks perked up, as I knowingly went to my mat with an intention this evening.

"Focus on your breath, the inhale and exhale. Just acknowledge it, it may not be even yet, it may be choppy. The inhale might be longer than the exhale, or visa versa. That's OK for now, just acknowledge the breath."

Shallow, choppy, certainly not equal in length.
But I knew it would change.
I let it be, and acknowledged the imperfections.

"Now that you've found your breath, try to match the inhale to the length of your exhale"

And that is where I got lost in my practice,
So beautifully lost in the simplicity of my breath,
Of the familiar faces that surround me each week,
Of the serene, yet seductive voice of my yoga instructor.

She has big eyes,
Just like yours,
Dark hair,
Seemingly curious fire in her soul.

My eyes remaind closed for the remainder of the class.
One hour and fifteen minutes of pure,
Uninhibited, breath.

My twists,
My binds,
The pounding of my heart in an empty ribcage,
My deep, now meaningful, breathing.

Before I know it,
I'm laying on my back,
Palms facing the Heavens,
Heart open to the universe and her undying love.

There's that smile again,
The one that perked up in the beginning of tonight's practice.
I dedicated my practice tonight to You.

Namaste

Tension increases in my lower back and hips,
I lie on my stomach trying to release it.
They say we hold our emotions in our hip joints.
Hoping that yoga tonight will open up my body and soul alike.
To healing, to understanding, to love.

Namaste

Lesson in Hope and Impermanence

Impermanence and Hope,
Two very fragile, yet important lessons I took from tonight's reading.

Let's start with Hope.
Hope is not what we often think it is.
Hope is not optimism, Hope is in fact a facade.

Hope is when we try to fit experiences into our agendas,
Hope is a fantasy.
Hope is an idealized version of the future, and it can be toxic.
Hope is not accepting the here, nor the now.
Hope is building a story in the future, that we ultimately have no control over.
If we had control over it, it would be called optimism.

"We must let go of hope, in order to achieve our hopes."
Does that sound backwards?
Sure.
Is it true?
Absolutely.

Hope can hold us back.
It can hold us back from enjoying the experience of the now,
It can hold us back from creating optimistic experiences,
It can hold us back from learning a much needed lesson.
This is me letting go of all Hope.

Impermanence is beautiful.
Once we realize that all things in life are impermanent,
We can realize joy,
Hold onto the moment of Now,
And not fret of the future.

Acknowledging Impermanence is essential to letting go of attachment,
And attachment creates pain,
It creates suffering,
It creates an unattainable fantasy.
I accept Impermanence -
Here and Now.

Ice

Hello sweet chill in my bones,
We meet again.
You are so familiar, yet so distant.
My hands are that of ice,
My coordination failing,
My fingertips are numb,
But they tell me that it's nothing.

Wrapped in all that I can,
Fleece, wool, and cotton.
Still ice,
Still shaking,
Still Mind.

I reflect on that of yesterday,
Where my world was turned and shaken,
Like a snow globe,
That you've packed away,
That hasn't seen the light of day,
In ages.

I wonder where I'll wander,
And if we will ever meet again,
But right now, I find myself
Questioning.

I long to sit and talk to another soul,
For hours on end,
Laying on a bed of grass,
Only the summer sun warming our skins.

I long for intelligent conversation,
Leading to chatter of philosophies and what might have been.
Where can I grasp this concept of perfect inclarity.