No Sleep

 Can't sleep.

All I see is your face. 

All I hear is your voice.

All I crave is your touch.

Your warm embrace, that reminded me that everything would be OK.

Your words of comfort when I was lost.

No words I read or hear, can fill this aching hole in my chest.

My heart seems missing.

I've tried to calm the deafening silence, to no avail. 

I grasp at air, trying to hold onto the sound of your voice...

While gasping for air, to feed my tattered, tired, traumatized lungs.

Heat physically manifests in my body as it tries to muster up the strength to carry on... moment by moment , day by day.

I have never known a heartache so strong. I have never felt an emptiness so deep... and yet, I've had the most fierce hunger for life and adventure, that I've ever had.

Guide me.

Please guide me.

Wondering and Horrified

 Sick.

So fucking sick.

Face in the toilet bowl, 

Puking my guts out... forcefully and willingly at the same time.

Wondering, 

"Why did I drink so much tequila?"

"Did I drink that much tequila?" 

Periodically laying on the cold, hard vinyl flooring that looks like dark wood.

My face hitting the sweats I wore the night before. Feeling, disgusted in myself.

I hadn't "drunk puked" in a while, it has definitely been over a year. Why tonight? 

Because it was my first night out since my mom took her own life? Maybe.

Because so many people asked me what I was out "celebrating" and I would simply say "life"?

Because almost all of them, except the silly drunk young men, would see that my eyes were empty and lost as I forced a smile? 

My friend bought me a thirty minute private dance from a stripper, whose real name is Cheyenne, and all we did was talk. I didn't give her details, but she kept telling me "whatever is going on in your life, it is all going to be OK. I can see it in your eyes. I can feel it in your soul." 

Was I that readable?

"I'm an empath" she said, then explaining what an empath was, like I didn't know. Little did she know I was one too, which is why my soul is  painstakingly shredded.

The stripclub closed, and I found myself talking with an older gentleman. I wish I remember his name. He looked like a William or a Charles. He was an emergency room doctor, who frequented the club five days a week, spending over $800/ week on the dancer I just had a therapy session with. We spoke about poetry, as I drunkenly slurred that I was a "poet by night." 

Fascinated he inquired about my favorite poet. 

"Poe" is always my answer.  Dark, mysterious and ill. I lust after his demons.  "Blake is one of my favorites," he smirked while shaking his head. He told me, in the kindest way, that I was foolish for adoring Poe, since he was an alcoholic with severe depression... but that was the glamor that I adored in Poe's work. The glamor of his pain.

I hope we meet again, doctor. 

Your soul was kind, and welcoming to my foolish adorations. 

Fast forward to my bathroom floor.

The cool, hard floor.

I was drunk, so damn drunk and so damn sick. 

When I finally felt good enough to lay down, I felt like somebody wrapped their arms tightly around me. Letting me know I was held... as I drifted into the worst nightmare of my life.

I wonder if that's how mom felt every day... I sure hope not. Fuck.

I miss her.

Vacation

 "It's like a vacation" she said, 

Her voice was a faint whisper in the night wind...
Creeping through my slightly open sliding glass door as I brushed my teeth, while I got lost in the emptiness in my eyes.
"It's like a vacation."
I saw her eyes in mine.
For just a moment.

Making myself snap back to reality, I spit in the sink, and spashed cold water on my face. 

My skin was more dry than usual, from the tears I wept but let no one see. 

I crawled into bed, and they started again.

The nightmares.

The visions.

My heart racing.

It was a long night, and thought I kept repeating her words "It's like a vacation" I couldn't seem to teleport myself there.

Not that night anyway.

Maybe someday. 

Shaken and Stirred

 Restless.

I slept for the first time since you've left last night, for a solid 5 hours or so...

Though my body was asleep, my mind was racing 

So, I woke up shaken.

Anxiety filling my chest.  Almost 30, and squeezing a teddy bear, like it could make everything alright.

Pretending it is you...

The waterworks start pouring again, from the vessels in which I captured your beauty...

And though you were undoubtedly gorgeous on the outside... your soul is so fucking radiant. I've never experienced a brighter, more loving soul. And I know your soul is going to live on. 

My emotions are mixed...stirred up

I have an overwhelming sense of grief... because there is this gigantic hole in my heart, where your life and love lived... I'm just trying to navigate how to replace it with your soul and the love I know your soul still gives.

I have moments of peace, because I know that your demons no longer have their claws in your back,  dragging you down... I know that you are now healing beautifully, and that is all I ever wanted for you.

I have moments of anxiety, when I realize I can never physically touch you again... you gave the best hugs. . You held me so close, and played with my hair...

And to never hear your voice again, telling me how proud you were of me, and how much you love me...or how I can't tell you in person how much I love you too. And how I'll never get to argue with you again about who loves who more (I still swear there is nothing like a daughter's love for her mother... but I also know, and hear you telling me, that there is also nothing like a mother's love for her daughter).

Though I am shaken, and my emotions are stirred... I know that you are safe now. Your soul is free now. All pain and anger.. anguish, and self-doubt is released. 

You are healing beautifully and gracefully... and I can't wait until we meet again Mom. I don't know what comes next, but I believe you will be there to help me transition when my time comes... and that our souls will be reunited in our next lifetime... and that in that lifetime, we will have learned the lessons we have needed to in this one to thrive... I can already see you dancing wild and free. 

Please help guide me.

Sometimes a mother's advice is all I want and need... so please drop me seeds of wisdom and guidance. 

Mom, I promise to live twice as hard for you. You have made me so strong, and taught me resilience.  You taught me love, and forgiveness. You taught me patience and grace. You taught me the importance of dancing like nobody's watching. You taught me to try new things. You taught me my worth. You taught me your famous Alfredo recipe (hehe, don't worry , I haven't forgotten it). You taught me so damn much.

I'm shaken and stirred,

But I will rise. I will rise in honor of you. I will blossom. I will bloom. I promise. For you. I love you endlessly. Forever.

January 4, 2021 +24 Hours

 What a day...

Where are my words? 

Lost to the wind, as my breath escapes my lips.

As my heart escapes my chest.

My eyes sore and tired...

Body feeling frail and weak.

Stomach in knots.

I woke up exactly 24 hours after you passed, after a few, restless hours of a nonexistent dream state. 

The time, cast on the TV, as if she is haunting me. As if you are haunting me... because you're lonely. 

And here I am , wide awake- keeping you company, while I'm left alone. 

The greatest love I've known in my life, stripped away.

So

Damn

Fast.

My words don't work, my head is so loud, but filled with the static of white noise...

Scratching at its walls- creating a symphony of pain and heartache. 

Unreal.

Surreal.

So

Damn

Real.

I promised you unconditional love, and unconditional love, you shall receive. 

All I ever wanted was to give you health, give you enough reason to live... give you love (but the healthy kind, none of that toxic shit).

Where are you? 

Where have you danced away to?

I keep grasping to feel you near me, but end up with fists full of empty air.

I forgive you.

I love you.

I love you so damn much.

Mom, I miss you.