Shaken and Stirred

 Restless.

I slept for the first time since you've left last night, for a solid 5 hours or so...

Though my body was asleep, my mind was racing 

So, I woke up shaken.

Anxiety filling my chest.  Almost 30, and squeezing a teddy bear, like it could make everything alright.

Pretending it is you...

The waterworks start pouring again, from the vessels in which I captured your beauty...

And though you were undoubtedly gorgeous on the outside... your soul is so fucking radiant. I've never experienced a brighter, more loving soul. And I know your soul is going to live on. 

My emotions are mixed...stirred up

I have an overwhelming sense of grief... because there is this gigantic hole in my heart, where your life and love lived... I'm just trying to navigate how to replace it with your soul and the love I know your soul still gives.

I have moments of peace, because I know that your demons no longer have their claws in your back,  dragging you down... I know that you are now healing beautifully, and that is all I ever wanted for you.

I have moments of anxiety, when I realize I can never physically touch you again... you gave the best hugs. . You held me so close, and played with my hair...

And to never hear your voice again, telling me how proud you were of me, and how much you love me...or how I can't tell you in person how much I love you too. And how I'll never get to argue with you again about who loves who more (I still swear there is nothing like a daughter's love for her mother... but I also know, and hear you telling me, that there is also nothing like a mother's love for her daughter).

Though I am shaken, and my emotions are stirred... I know that you are safe now. Your soul is free now. All pain and anger.. anguish, and self-doubt is released. 

You are healing beautifully and gracefully... and I can't wait until we meet again Mom. I don't know what comes next, but I believe you will be there to help me transition when my time comes... and that our souls will be reunited in our next lifetime... and that in that lifetime, we will have learned the lessons we have needed to in this one to thrive... I can already see you dancing wild and free. 

Please help guide me.

Sometimes a mother's advice is all I want and need... so please drop me seeds of wisdom and guidance. 

Mom, I promise to live twice as hard for you. You have made me so strong, and taught me resilience.  You taught me love, and forgiveness. You taught me patience and grace. You taught me the importance of dancing like nobody's watching. You taught me to try new things. You taught me my worth. You taught me your famous Alfredo recipe (hehe, don't worry , I haven't forgotten it). You taught me so damn much.

I'm shaken and stirred,

But I will rise. I will rise in honor of you. I will blossom. I will bloom. I promise. For you. I love you endlessly. Forever.