Catalyst

 You're gone today,

For the first time in two weeks. 

The last two weeks has been hell- 

My anxiety has never seen such highs.

I've been in a constant state of what feels like survival. 

Unpredictable energy shifts, 

In my home.

A place that I'm supposed to feel calm, safe, and secure. 

Any time I'd leave, I'd feel a sense of relief. 

Any time I'd pull into the driveway, I had to sit in my car for thirty minutes or so, gathering the strength to head back inside. 

I never knew what I was walking into. 

Rage? Friendly banter? Lust filled eyes? Quips of remaining love? Accusatory words? Venomous low-blows? 

I felt as if I was walking blindfolded in a land mine, covered in soft moss. 

But today, I sang.

Today, I danced.

Today, I pushed through the sheer exhaustion - as my body's nervous system tries to re-regulate. 

I am safe.

I am loved.

I am in a space that is my home, that calms me, and that brings me joy.

The animals felt it too,

And how that breaks my heart. 

Today they slept, and played, and slept some more. Sweet babies.

I don't blame you for the pain- 

There is a lot to unpack, and you were never given the tools to do so in a loving, kind, way. 

But my body, my heart, and my soul- so desperately needed this rest. 

So, I thank the universe for today, and the next seven days. 

I hope to find the serenity that I need to take on this next chapter in life. 

I know in my heart that it is filled with adventure, romance, and intrigue. Let me fall in love with myself, all over again. 

The forever evolving catalyst, in the ever evolving abyss. 

Alone & Afraid

 Sitting in it.

Really sitting in your darkness.

The depths echo, and unfamiliar sounds arise.

You can't see your hand in front of your face,

There is no telling which way is up. 

Something scurries past you, and all you can do is hope that the strange creature is friendly. 

The air is heavy to breathe,

And your thoughts are the loudest scream.

There is no escaping, 

Only sitting-

Listening,

Trying to understand and remain calm. 

Alone and afraid,

But you try to be brave.

Taking it day by day.

Villain prelude

 You can weave your words, with poise and flow.

You and I will always know.

So write the lyrics that paint me ill, and I'll be the target so you can pay your bills-

If making me the villain, is the best you have, and makes you learn to love yourself, I'm OK with that. 

Villain

 We all play the villain in somebody's story,

And it seems like that's the role you've assigned me.

When in reality, and for so long- I know I was your safe and sacred space. I held you gently as you'd cry, I'd wipe away the tears. I'd give you affection you hadn't received in all of the years you had been alive. 

I taught you unconditional love, but now you'd say I kept you "caged," but let's be real babe...

The only one holding yourself back, is you. It has always been you. 

You can weave with words, you're good at that- believe what hurts, and don't crawl back. 

Because if making me the villain, makes you learn to love yourself, I'm OK with that. 

All I ever wanted was for your happiness & joy. Your success, is evident, and my love was no ploy. 

So write the lyrics that paint me ill, and I'll be the target so you can pay your bills-

I find solace in all that I know was real, my character and my love, I've got that still.

We Knew

 I knew you had a thing, for your 20-something fling...

There's not much in her head, aside from hairspray. 

I'm bitter, ever so slightly, simply because I saw it coming before you did. 

But so did you.

You saw my thing, for my 40-something thing, and just like that- we're both "disgusting."

Look at who we've become. 

Liberated? Maybe.

I know she could never fill the hole in your heart and soul, that I once filled. I know she could never make you love yourself, like you deserve... Go out and find yourself, and report back; I'll do the same. 

Hopefully this honesty,

The most honest we've been with one another in years, 

Breeds great friendship.

Because, you're my asshole.

Receive & Enjoy

 Quiet morning, lakeside breeze - 

Echoes of the birds.

Their songs effortlessly soothe my tired mind, and full soul.

It's the ease of slow mornings, and bitter espresso that hold me for now. 

Close & intimate,  like lovers do. 

Barefoot, soaking up the sun and her kisses.

Memories had and to be made keep me balanced.

Entering a new era of exploration and receiving. 

Summer Chapter

 Summer sinks in, 

Viciously tasteful.

The sun is aggressive with his love, and the moon gentle with her touch. 

The desert aches for foreign rains, to quench her thirst.

Quiet crickets come out to play, and find their voices yet again.

Shores welcome those who need cleansing and clarity,

Mountains shade those seeking peace and solitude. 

The world comes together, after the thaw of the Spring. 

Celebrating the abundance of life that stirs.

To feel alive, is to experience.

To experience, is to try.

To try, is to be brave.

Live your wildest dreams, sweet one,

For this chapter is just beginning.