...and I catch myself and say...

It happens, every day... maybe two or three times a day.
I don't know why,
it's purely inexplicable.
Intoxicating, because I enjoy it for those nearly two minutes each time it happens.
music notes grace the airwaves and I go limp, numb with a stupid smile-
blissfully ignorant.
and then I catch myself...
*click*
switching over to something that dulls the memory...
nope, nope, nope...
here we go- a little rock, a little anger and a little sting in this one.
I feel as if I should punish myself for letting those thoughts even cross my mind;
and I should mutilate myself for even smiling at them.
"Stupid little girl. You are stupid to even think that such a person should make you..smile, hum, or even relax.
Last time you relaxed for simplistic moments you were stabbed in the back... Stupid, silly, girl you!"
It happens again... moments, or hours later.
Smiling, dumbfounded by my ignorance yet again...
how can one be so ignorant so many times in one day?
I catch myself and say... "Today is not the day, nor the year- but the lifetime is never ruled out. However, in a different lifetime, or universe... No. Stop it."
I pull over,
bury my cool face in my hands- and let the tears stream down my face like razorblades.
It's alright to cry about the past once in a while-
but for now you are only allotting yourself two minutes and thirty seven seconds.
...and stop.

Why do these things happen?
Still...
It's not fair.
But life, life isn't fair now is it?