Say No

Let her consume me,
My self-destructive lover.

Let her endure what she may,
And wreak havoc on this body.

Let her consume me,
Through thought,
Mind,
Body.

Let her control me,
Penetrate my inner being.
Let her make me sick.

I find knowledge in this disease,
And I've been on her ride-
Ups & Downs.

Twisting,
Turning,
Winding down.
Restricting.
Let the games begin
Yet again...
For that's how they see it.
As a game.

Tomorrow... I start again.
Today was awful
Last week was great.
Time to say no.

Childlike.

Iridescent memories, skewed by self reflection
The younger me screams out,
Addicted to the chaos,
Addicted to the night life, the poison she knew all too well.

I tiptoe through my thoughts,
These blurred memories.
Cold, drunken nights
Foolish, young, naivety.

Sometimes I crave her,
The girl I used to be-
Lost, tattered, and wild.

But then I stop,
Even just for a moment,
and realize...
I am still wild.

My soul is free,
My demons have escaped me,
Even if for the time being.
My spirit runs rampant through the mountains,
The stars, and across the universe.

And as I spin under the night sky,
A blanket of stars overhead,
I become dizzy...
I fall
On a blanket of cool grass,
On top of a familiar hill...

I breathe in the cool late fall air.
It is crisp,
I am alone,
But not in spirit... Not in true, twin flame fashion.

And then and there,
I realize,
I am still Alive.
Alive and Childlike in the most innocent,
Yet, Naive ways.

Same Bay

Same Bay,
Same water,
Same dock,
Same treeline
Yet something is different ...

Darker,
Colder,
Less inviting,
But the same.

A cool fall breeze
Ripples the water ,
It glistens enough to
Invite a child to doom.

Cold,
Suffocating,
Shocking,
Yet beautiful doom.

Tragedy strikes at a loss,
But why do we not celebrate?
Pain fades.
Fear subsides
And peace encompasses all.

Shadows

Anxieties set in,
Shaky,
Unsettled,
Unsurprised.

Always hoping for change,
For things to go back to day one.
But...
We are in the shadows now.

Repetition of the Past

I find that abusers claim to be victims of lies,
While victims claim to be normal through silence.
Why mustn't we speak out?
Why must we be silent or be stamped "victims"

I find solace in knowing
"This too shall pass"
I find peace in knowing,
They are simply flashbacks.

They try to silence my words,
But my words will simply last.
For truth comes to fruition,
From repetition of the past.

They tell you you're crazy,
"Insane" and "Psychotic"
That "It never happened"
You're "nuts"
And try to cut all your ties.
But true friends will know the truth,
And trust you wouldn't breed such lies.

You claim it's fake,
It's fiction, because I labeled it as such.
But you and I both know,
the ink is as true as it comes.

You can try to silence my words,
But my words will simply last.
For truth comes to fruition,
From repetition of the past.

Forgiveness- Raw.

I thought that I had truly forgiven you,
But now I am starting to understand the true meaning of forgiveness.
You have permanently scarred me, and I have accepted that,
Although it does not make it easy,
It does not make it right...
It doesn't cure my sporadic tears, flashbacks or anxiety.

But I fucking forgive you.

When my heart is racing and I don't know why,
When my eyes are welled with tears.
When I'm shaking, peering through tear soaked eyes
Into the distance.
When I hear a door slam, hear somebody scream,
When I hear violent words being spewed.
When the flashbacks take over me,
When I am hyperventalating nearly five to six years later,
I fucking forgive you.

When I've spent years in therapy,
To finally realize, I can only heal on my own.
When I'm driving on a highway and so badly want to smash into a telephone pole.
When I am looking at my full bottle of anti-anxiety meds, as a means to an end.
I fucking forgive you.

Sure,
We are all damaged,
But I am NOT your victim.
I may have tendencies that were created because of your abuse,
But I am trying so fucking hard to break them... and trust me
I will.

I never thought you would have such a lasting impact,
I never thought that I literally would have PTSD from our relationship.
I never in a million years thought that it would hit me five years after the fact.
I thought I was healed,
I was wrong,
But I WILL heal.
You just watch.


I FUCKING FORGIVE YOU.

Space of Clarity and Inspiration

"Inspire me."

I begged the Universe.

She spoke of a place,

Warm,

Welcoming, 

Dimly lit,

I instantly knew.

So, 

I bundled up,

Walked across the street, 

And entered

A place

Where aromas of coffee and hookah danced around me.

Smokestack. 

Astrology: Getting to know Myself.

"Your challenge in this lifetime will be to tame your restlessness. From past incarnations you have a soul memory of long journeys and travel to faraway places. From time to time this wanderlust may overtake you again. You are scared to lose this sense of freedom, yet you must in order to grow. Stay put and you will reap the generous rewards of North Node in 3rd House. Forgo the travel and gain self-understanding." - TrueNode.org

Future

A daughter  should never feel like this,
Shaken,
Anxious ,
Helpless...

I lay here in my bed,
Trying to control these breaths ,
Yet
    they
    are
S
   t
A
     g
G
  e
R
       e
 d.

I crave what normal feels like.
Today I faught back tears hearing somebody say,
"My sister and I have Sunday dinner every week together"
My family traditions ,  lost.
I could create new ones,
But by the end of this year, my whole family will literally be
S
   c
A
  t
       t
E
   r
        e
   d

Across the US.
I tell myself,
I am greater than this notion of family and normality ,
The universe has meant something much deeper for me...

But here i am,
Living in the future,
As my mother drives down,
Arriving here at 2am...
With only her dreams.
I am undeniably horrified.