Forgiveness- Raw.

I thought that I had truly forgiven you,
But now I am starting to understand the true meaning of forgiveness.
You have permanently scarred me, and I have accepted that,
Although it does not make it easy,
It does not make it right...
It doesn't cure my sporadic tears, flashbacks or anxiety.

But I fucking forgive you.

When my heart is racing and I don't know why,
When my eyes are welled with tears.
When I'm shaking, peering through tear soaked eyes
Into the distance.
When I hear a door slam, hear somebody scream,
When I hear violent words being spewed.
When the flashbacks take over me,
When I am hyperventalating nearly five to six years later,
I fucking forgive you.

When I've spent years in therapy,
To finally realize, I can only heal on my own.
When I'm driving on a highway and so badly want to smash into a telephone pole.
When I am looking at my full bottle of anti-anxiety meds, as a means to an end.
I fucking forgive you.

Sure,
We are all damaged,
But I am NOT your victim.
I may have tendencies that were created because of your abuse,
But I am trying so fucking hard to break them... and trust me
I will.

I never thought you would have such a lasting impact,
I never thought that I literally would have PTSD from our relationship.
I never in a million years thought that it would hit me five years after the fact.
I thought I was healed,
I was wrong,
But I WILL heal.
You just watch.


I FUCKING FORGIVE YOU.