Shadows

Anxieties set in,
Shaky,
Unsettled,
Unsurprised.

Always hoping for change,
For things to go back to day one.
But...
We are in the shadows now.

Repetition of the Past

I find that abusers claim to be victims of lies,
While victims claim to be normal through silence.
Why mustn't we speak out?
Why must we be silent or be stamped "victims"

I find solace in knowing
"This too shall pass"
I find peace in knowing,
They are simply flashbacks.

They try to silence my words,
But my words will simply last.
For truth comes to fruition,
From repetition of the past.

They tell you you're crazy,
"Insane" and "Psychotic"
That "It never happened"
You're "nuts"
And try to cut all your ties.
But true friends will know the truth,
And trust you wouldn't breed such lies.

You claim it's fake,
It's fiction, because I labeled it as such.
But you and I both know,
the ink is as true as it comes.

You can try to silence my words,
But my words will simply last.
For truth comes to fruition,
From repetition of the past.

Forgiveness- Raw.

I thought that I had truly forgiven you,
But now I am starting to understand the true meaning of forgiveness.
You have permanently scarred me, and I have accepted that,
Although it does not make it easy,
It does not make it right...
It doesn't cure my sporadic tears, flashbacks or anxiety.

But I fucking forgive you.

When my heart is racing and I don't know why,
When my eyes are welled with tears.
When I'm shaking, peering through tear soaked eyes
Into the distance.
When I hear a door slam, hear somebody scream,
When I hear violent words being spewed.
When the flashbacks take over me,
When I am hyperventalating nearly five to six years later,
I fucking forgive you.

When I've spent years in therapy,
To finally realize, I can only heal on my own.
When I'm driving on a highway and so badly want to smash into a telephone pole.
When I am looking at my full bottle of anti-anxiety meds, as a means to an end.
I fucking forgive you.

Sure,
We are all damaged,
But I am NOT your victim.
I may have tendencies that were created because of your abuse,
But I am trying so fucking hard to break them... and trust me
I will.

I never thought you would have such a lasting impact,
I never thought that I literally would have PTSD from our relationship.
I never in a million years thought that it would hit me five years after the fact.
I thought I was healed,
I was wrong,
But I WILL heal.
You just watch.


I FUCKING FORGIVE YOU.

Space of Clarity and Inspiration

"Inspire me."

I begged the Universe.

She spoke of a place,

Warm,

Welcoming, 

Dimly lit,

I instantly knew.

So, 

I bundled up,

Walked across the street, 

And entered

A place

Where aromas of coffee and hookah danced around me.

Smokestack. 

Astrology: Getting to know Myself.

"Your challenge in this lifetime will be to tame your restlessness. From past incarnations you have a soul memory of long journeys and travel to faraway places. From time to time this wanderlust may overtake you again. You are scared to lose this sense of freedom, yet you must in order to grow. Stay put and you will reap the generous rewards of North Node in 3rd House. Forgo the travel and gain self-understanding." - TrueNode.org

Future

A daughter  should never feel like this,
Shaken,
Anxious ,
Helpless...

I lay here in my bed,
Trying to control these breaths ,
Yet
    they
    are
S
   t
A
     g
G
  e
R
       e
 d.

I crave what normal feels like.
Today I faught back tears hearing somebody say,
"My sister and I have Sunday dinner every week together"
My family traditions ,  lost.
I could create new ones,
But by the end of this year, my whole family will literally be
S
   c
A
  t
       t
E
   r
        e
   d

Across the US.
I tell myself,
I am greater than this notion of family and normality ,
The universe has meant something much deeper for me...

But here i am,
Living in the future,
As my mother drives down,
Arriving here at 2am...
With only her dreams.
I am undeniably horrified.

Today's Affirmations

My spine lengthens,
My body tingles,
My muscles tense in a stretch, then relax.
Breathing is steady.
Inhale,
Longer exhale.

Focusing on each chakra as I say my affirmations for the day.
I will remain aligned,
I will let the universe speak to me,
I will let the universe guide me.
All is well and meant to be.

My energy is bright and refocused.
Something I needed,
And have accepted.

The autumn chill creeps through the crack of my bedroom window.
I smirk,
Knowing its timing was perfect.