One Nights Sleep

Insomnia creeps up on me,
each and every night.
I have befriended it,
yet beg it to leave me alone.
I'd give anything for a good nights sleep.
Warmth.
Her arms around me...
But I lie her,
in an empty bed,
Cold.
In an empty home.
Yet I crave for her to succeed.
She is.
I am joyous when her voice rings happiness on the other end of the phone.
Is this new found insomnia because her body isn't next to mine?
Or just a mere medical explanation?
Whichever it is, I get down on my knees and pray...
"Just one night's sleep... please."

Numbers.

Is spring in near-sight or hind-sight
4.
Falling into the rabbit hole
of doom.
Dreadful image doom.
118-120
Counting, counting, counting...
numbers.
It's all numbers.
My life is numbers.
I am losing it.
Only 500.
Officially accepting deception of a disease.
I think I will dwindle my way down...
back to a thursday tomorrow.
1 Day.
My heart sinks,
My face familiar with a porceline white surface,
Six times.
My body resisting, but I am forcing it to do what it is trying so hard not to.
I have never had my body physically resist for so long.
Up, up, up...
Negative numbers.
-120ish.
My chest hurts,
My throat sore.
My abdominals tired.
I take my cold chaking hands to another white surface,
2nd one.
reach for the blurred silver, tears fog my vision.
Cold water.
3 times.
My face.
Drink.
Chugging.
Water is zero.
Zoloft
Two.

Dissapointment.
My cat rubs against me.
He knows.
Square 1.

Jamble

I am floating,
dancing and twirling,
making love to the falling flakes of snow.
My body deteriorates along with the dying flowers of the summer and fall,
spinning and twirling.
Such a beautiful dance.
Music escapes my lips, my abdominals clench at the thought of giving into temptation.
Drugged on life, high in the sky.
Skinny Love is the only way.
Shaking to the rhythm of desires.
Mountainous meadows and treacherously beautiful valleys.
Tiptoeing through the valley of the shadow of death and hunger.
Craving life, while giving it to myself in the ways that no others can comprehend.
They see death.
Floating, dancing, twirling...
my hair catches the wind.
Barefoot, my toes turn blue in the mixture of ice and snow,
Blue as the sky above.
Disease is beautifully taking over,
vision blurred, and hope lingering at the tips of my lips.
My hips swinging to the song of Zephyr.
Fly on,
Flying, floating, levitating.
Loving it.

SicknessHa

I've found some incredible Thinspo sites :) Excited.
#motivation

A Lesson Learned in the Night

Darkness falls upon us,
the hours of the night take over for the next three months.
This is where I always trip up,
where I find myself in constant search of reassurance.
My disease takes over,
flooding over the entirety of my soul.
A disease of three.
She lurks through my veins, and craves the demonised desires that seem to enter my body fully in the darkness and chill of the winter snow.
Nights gazing at the stars, such distant glimpses of hope and charity.
My mouth grows dry for the lack of words that form at the tip of my tainted tongue.
No thing shall enter these lips, unless it is that of my loves.
My body shall remain as empty as a park on a winter day,
as a blizzard hits.
I shake at the thought of the demons that haunt me,
swallowing them down with such a familiar taste.
Chased by the child of oxygen and hydrogen.
And sin. The third.

I mistakenly continue to whisper to the night and the moon and stars that go along with it.
A sin in itself.

But I can't stop,
with all of these pains of reality as an undertone I crave refuge in this writing.
In my quiet, safe, place.
I may be psychotic and neurotic,
basically embracing insomnia...
But I feed off of it.
As does Mimi.
I relate.
To an extent that outsiders don't know.
Only insiders.
Tonight

I lay here shaking,
No energy from the lack of nourishment the past few days and the days to come...
Loads of caffeine, a drug that should be injected into my blood stream,
and the combination of florescent edibles that live in my medicine cabinet,
dreary winter night.
How I long to play.
In the first snowfall.
Craving the warmth, which itches under my skin.
Pop a few more, swallow.
Bliss in ignorance.

Have I learned a lesson in the night?
Possibly.
But maybe in the nights to come.
I stare at the moonlight,
for... I swear she's changing shapes.

My love.

A surge
sweeping over the most delicate parts of my body, as I lie here and reminisce of the other night
My face and my toes seem to tingle,
go numb,
as they did.
The way you looked at me.
The way you whispered how much you love me,
as you made my back arch, my toes curl...
You took over my whole body,
giving myself fully to you.
Only my eyes can whisper the words that escape my lips,
they whisper the verity behind the lyrics my body sings.
Trusting you with the ins and outs of my sexuality.
Sensually you kiss, lick, and taunt.
Making sure my body craves more, screams for more...
Begs.
This surge.
What an incredible feeling.
Love and lust embrace each other while making the most beautiful colors and symphonies.
Euphoria takes over as an electric current surrounds the ends of my body,
the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention as my body continues to surge.
On you, in you, all over you.
My love.

DropSwallowSpewWords

Here I go,
Drop,
The demons into my mouth,
Swallow them into my body,
Spew them into my veins
and watch the words trickle onto this page...

Reassurance

How can you hold the moon accountable for the assurance of my future,
Lies have slipped amongst the stars,
My past now tainted,
as I try to forget.
I take this chance to embrace the night,
in the secrets of all that I've done, fantasies I have.
Yet, the morning light tickles me with life,
energy takes over.
My future lies in the hands of my good intentions,
for once.
Yet silent blessings are accepted and welcomed.
Is there anything left in the night to be said?
Disclaimers to be made?
For a night last only eight hours,
before the morning sun takes on the day.
Dig deep within for the remaining beauty and gentleness that once was,
for there is a flicker of a flame that remains.
Feed it until you are whole again.

Tempo

It's there,
a thought of a future so unpredictable that I can hardly grasp the idea of it.
Thoughts of possibilities, what haves and have nots.
Reminiscing creating future memories based on past ones that have ended,
while accepting a gorgeous reality of new beginnings and love so deep and undeniable that my head spins.
Where shall I go from here?
In slightly over a month she will be gone for a month,
the way she was when we first started talking,
in a romantic tone.
That being not so long ago.
A life on the road,
stumbling and thriving on energy of a crowd.
She is my one true love.
My everything, my world. Nobody has given me so much, in such a
Pure form.
Purity.
One of the only words that can describe this love that I have never felt with anyone ever before.
It's liberating,
Freedom at its best.
Freedom to love, to hold, to actually see an eternity.
I have experienced desire, and hope, but never a love
A true love.
She encompasses every inch of me, inside and out.
I get lost in her eyes, in her touch, in her kiss-
because I can tell she gives me her all.
The honesty that emerged at the beginning was full of dreadful sins we both have committed,
We are free and innocent again.
We hold eachothers' secrets dear,
and trust each other with our fragile lives.
We are one.
Assuring me this isn't a dream, she takes my hand in my sleep and whispers
her confessions of love...
as I rest my weary eyes,
as the sun rests on a long day, when the moon takes over.
The love I have is inexplicable.
Pure.
Nothing could ever be so clear,
Clarity.

She whimsically dances to the beat of her own drum,
while swaying and smiling as I press my beat to her soul.
Our hearts start to match tempo.
I am in love.

BedTimeStory

Sometimes I would like to read a bedtime story...
Sing me a story through the clouds? Do the stars hold secrets from minimal miles, once gorgeously long?
Deep and dark secrets, that glisten in the winter snow,
in the silence of a winter night?
Whisper me a story, like a lullaby.
So I can finally rest my eyes at night.

Undone Stranger in the Night

Oh hello there strange, foreign, friend...
How lovely to bump into you again.
The night has fallen and your shadow is all that I see,
It could be a mirage, or the shadows of a tree...
Your touch is still cold, as it was when you left,
when you failed me, and kicked me, while I was down and out of breath.
I'm weary to fall into your death grip again,
For I lost myself, my sanity...
Foreign is probably the best to remain,
Although sin and sanctity scatter my brain.
I am sick, more sick than I have been in a while
...
Just to let you know,
in case the night unveils the sun,
My body is withering away,
until I'm finally undone.

Mission

I am sick
I am twisted
I am lost in the idea of my body withering away,
in the darkness
Nothingness.
Empty is the answer,
OneHundred would be success.
Mission.

Fireplace

My hands shake as my soul remains warm.
My intentions remain innocent, my love grows like vines on the side of a brick wall.
Cool to the touch, inanimate, lifeless- winter has creeped up on me.
Slowly but surely.
One month ahead in the distance, yet here.
Bone chilling winds break me.

The sun, she hides in the warmth of the clouds.
My sick and twisted discipline shifts into high gears.
A high so flawless that nothing could go wrong,
except the falling into countless deep sleeps of winter.

My body eats away at itself as I allow the winter to eat away at my soul.

Nothing will enter these lips,
only words shall escape them.

There is only one glimpse of hope,
warmth.
She is my all.
My everything.

I look up as my hand touches this chilled brick wall,
curious as to why the cold has become slightly warm.
Smoke gathers at the top.
A fireplace.