Forgiveness- Raw.

I thought that I had truly forgiven you,
But now I am starting to understand the true meaning of forgiveness.
You have permanently scarred me, and I have accepted that,
Although it does not make it easy,
It does not make it right...
It doesn't cure my sporadic tears, flashbacks or anxiety.

But I fucking forgive you.

When my heart is racing and I don't know why,
When my eyes are welled with tears.
When I'm shaking, peering through tear soaked eyes
Into the distance.
When I hear a door slam, hear somebody scream,
When I hear violent words being spewed.
When the flashbacks take over me,
When I am hyperventalating nearly five to six years later,
I fucking forgive you.

When I've spent years in therapy,
To finally realize, I can only heal on my own.
When I'm driving on a highway and so badly want to smash into a telephone pole.
When I am looking at my full bottle of anti-anxiety meds, as a means to an end.
I fucking forgive you.

Sure,
We are all damaged,
But I am NOT your victim.
I may have tendencies that were created because of your abuse,
But I am trying so fucking hard to break them... and trust me
I will.

I never thought you would have such a lasting impact,
I never thought that I literally would have PTSD from our relationship.
I never in a million years thought that it would hit me five years after the fact.
I thought I was healed,
I was wrong,
But I WILL heal.
You just watch.


I FUCKING FORGIVE YOU.

Space of Clarity and Inspiration

"Inspire me."

I begged the Universe.

She spoke of a place,

Warm,

Welcoming, 

Dimly lit,

I instantly knew.

So, 

I bundled up,

Walked across the street, 

And entered

A place

Where aromas of coffee and hookah danced around me.

Smokestack. 

Astrology: Getting to know Myself.

"Your challenge in this lifetime will be to tame your restlessness. From past incarnations you have a soul memory of long journeys and travel to faraway places. From time to time this wanderlust may overtake you again. You are scared to lose this sense of freedom, yet you must in order to grow. Stay put and you will reap the generous rewards of North Node in 3rd House. Forgo the travel and gain self-understanding." - TrueNode.org

Future

A daughter  should never feel like this,
Shaken,
Anxious ,
Helpless...

I lay here in my bed,
Trying to control these breaths ,
Yet
    they
    are
S
   t
A
     g
G
  e
R
       e
 d.

I crave what normal feels like.
Today I faught back tears hearing somebody say,
"My sister and I have Sunday dinner every week together"
My family traditions ,  lost.
I could create new ones,
But by the end of this year, my whole family will literally be
S
   c
A
  t
       t
E
   r
        e
   d

Across the US.
I tell myself,
I am greater than this notion of family and normality ,
The universe has meant something much deeper for me...

But here i am,
Living in the future,
As my mother drives down,
Arriving here at 2am...
With only her dreams.
I am undeniably horrified.

Today's Affirmations

My spine lengthens,
My body tingles,
My muscles tense in a stretch, then relax.
Breathing is steady.
Inhale,
Longer exhale.

Focusing on each chakra as I say my affirmations for the day.
I will remain aligned,
I will let the universe speak to me,
I will let the universe guide me.
All is well and meant to be.

My energy is bright and refocused.
Something I needed,
And have accepted.

The autumn chill creeps through the crack of my bedroom window.
I smirk,
Knowing its timing was perfect.

Aligned

Aligned,
Concentration through the third eye,
Energies weaving in and out of my physical being.
I feel her warm, positive presence moving my energies:
in and out,
back and forth

Extracting the negative,
Strengthening the light.
My body grounded with hot stones,
Although it begs to float away with my soul.

Traveling.

Cross legged,
My eyes close,
My breathing slows,
My pulse becomes steady.

I focus on the breaths first.
Inhale, Exhale.
I feel cool air enter through my nostrils,
Warm air leaving them.
I feel my lungs expand to capacity and slowly relax.
They enjoy this controlled stretch.

Next I focus on the surface.
My face starts to feel the pressure of the universe,
Gently pushing and patting.
The cells on my face want to float, yet molecules hold them together.

My hands feel heavy,
Weighted towards the core of the Earth,
But they too want to float.

Next my core.
Expanding and collapsing.
Full, and content.

My eyes,
Colors of indigos and deep blues dance across my eyelids.
I then dive deeper,
Stray from the surface,
Go deeper than my organs,
and tap into my Soul.

Trees.
Bare trees, concrete sidewalks overgrown and cracked.
Black and white.
Echoing,
This is a place that is not familiar to myself,
But I sense the presence of another.
Looking around,
One could hear a pin drop.
Buildings are empty, tall, with blown out windows.
A dark opening,
Resemblant of a door... or a cellar.
Something pulls me towards it,
Yet, I know better than to investigate.

So I leave this realm,
Open my eyes,
And will try again in a moment's notice
For a realm where I know that I belong.