Vacation

 "It's like a vacation" she said, 

Her voice was a faint whisper in the night wind...
Creeping through my slightly open sliding glass door as I brushed my teeth, while I got lost in the emptiness in my eyes.
"It's like a vacation."
I saw her eyes in mine.
For just a moment.

Making myself snap back to reality, I spit in the sink, and spashed cold water on my face. 

My skin was more dry than usual, from the tears I wept but let no one see. 

I crawled into bed, and they started again.

The nightmares.

The visions.

My heart racing.

It was a long night, and thought I kept repeating her words "It's like a vacation" I couldn't seem to teleport myself there.

Not that night anyway.

Maybe someday. 

Shaken and Stirred

 Restless.

I slept for the first time since you've left last night, for a solid 5 hours or so...

Though my body was asleep, my mind was racing 

So, I woke up shaken.

Anxiety filling my chest.  Almost 30, and squeezing a teddy bear, like it could make everything alright.

Pretending it is you...

The waterworks start pouring again, from the vessels in which I captured your beauty...

And though you were undoubtedly gorgeous on the outside... your soul is so fucking radiant. I've never experienced a brighter, more loving soul. And I know your soul is going to live on. 

My emotions are mixed...stirred up

I have an overwhelming sense of grief... because there is this gigantic hole in my heart, where your life and love lived... I'm just trying to navigate how to replace it with your soul and the love I know your soul still gives.

I have moments of peace, because I know that your demons no longer have their claws in your back,  dragging you down... I know that you are now healing beautifully, and that is all I ever wanted for you.

I have moments of anxiety, when I realize I can never physically touch you again... you gave the best hugs. . You held me so close, and played with my hair...

And to never hear your voice again, telling me how proud you were of me, and how much you love me...or how I can't tell you in person how much I love you too. And how I'll never get to argue with you again about who loves who more (I still swear there is nothing like a daughter's love for her mother... but I also know, and hear you telling me, that there is also nothing like a mother's love for her daughter).

Though I am shaken, and my emotions are stirred... I know that you are safe now. Your soul is free now. All pain and anger.. anguish, and self-doubt is released. 

You are healing beautifully and gracefully... and I can't wait until we meet again Mom. I don't know what comes next, but I believe you will be there to help me transition when my time comes... and that our souls will be reunited in our next lifetime... and that in that lifetime, we will have learned the lessons we have needed to in this one to thrive... I can already see you dancing wild and free. 

Please help guide me.

Sometimes a mother's advice is all I want and need... so please drop me seeds of wisdom and guidance. 

Mom, I promise to live twice as hard for you. You have made me so strong, and taught me resilience.  You taught me love, and forgiveness. You taught me patience and grace. You taught me the importance of dancing like nobody's watching. You taught me to try new things. You taught me my worth. You taught me your famous Alfredo recipe (hehe, don't worry , I haven't forgotten it). You taught me so damn much.

I'm shaken and stirred,

But I will rise. I will rise in honor of you. I will blossom. I will bloom. I promise. For you. I love you endlessly. Forever.

January 4, 2021 +24 Hours

 What a day...

Where are my words? 

Lost to the wind, as my breath escapes my lips.

As my heart escapes my chest.

My eyes sore and tired...

Body feeling frail and weak.

Stomach in knots.

I woke up exactly 24 hours after you passed, after a few, restless hours of a nonexistent dream state. 

The time, cast on the TV, as if she is haunting me. As if you are haunting me... because you're lonely. 

And here I am , wide awake- keeping you company, while I'm left alone. 

The greatest love I've known in my life, stripped away.

So

Damn

Fast.

My words don't work, my head is so loud, but filled with the static of white noise...

Scratching at its walls- creating a symphony of pain and heartache. 

Unreal.

Surreal.

So

Damn

Real.

I promised you unconditional love, and unconditional love, you shall receive. 

All I ever wanted was to give you health, give you enough reason to live... give you love (but the healthy kind, none of that toxic shit).

Where are you? 

Where have you danced away to?

I keep grasping to feel you near me, but end up with fists full of empty air.

I forgive you.

I love you.

I love you so damn much.

Mom, I miss you.

If I'm Being Honest

 She is creeping over my shoulder,

Whispering sweet nothings of control, 

While I know I lose it with her.

Lose it all.

But she provides the most beautiful facade of control. 

So delicately perched on my shoulder, 

Her shrill voice sends shivers up and down my spine. 

She is disgustingly gorgeous. 

Frail.

Gripping onto my bones, 

I feel each of them... she holds tighter.

"Remember me?"

Tomorrow's Fallen Promise

 The wind whispers her sweet nothings, 

Like lies escaping drunken lips, 

When promises of tomorrow stumble,

Instead of skip.

Unlucky

 How lucky one must be,

To feel that everlasting feeling,

Without a fleeting moment of doubt,
Fully confident, immersed, and healing.

How lucky one must be,
To feel stillness fill their soul,
To feel comfort in societal norms
And believe all that they're told.

How lucky one must be,
To not suffer from inner wars,
To never question what they're taught.
To feel so bold, and sure.

To only see stars with names,
While others, they've forgot.
How lucky one must be tonight,
To never lose a thought.

How lucky one must be,
In ignorance and bliss.
To feel alive, not dead inside
More than just when they kiss.

How lucky one must be.

Waiting

 You wait until nobody's home,

To take off the clothes you put on, your outfit of the day...

To unhook your bra, throw on your favorite sweats, and crawl back into bed.

Sure, your makeup is done.

Your hair, looks perfect,

But the universe feels so undeniably consuming and weighted. 

Your weighted blanket is not enough today,

Your mascara starts to run, as your eyes well with tears that nobody sees...

That you don't want anybody to see.

Which is why you always wait...

You silence your phone, the way you wish you could silence your mind-

Though, that loud-mouthed bitch won't seem to shut up. 

You set an alarm, to give yourself just enough time to put your outfit back on, and reapply some concealer and mascara. 

Can't let anyone know that you've spent the last three hours in bed, gripping your chest, and gasping for air.

You try so hard to just smile, to find the light amidst the darkness that swallows you in waves. 

It is easy to find the voice of reason, the meaning of life, and silver linings when others are in need - 

But when you are drowning, those ideas seem like distant bubbles of air, slowly floating further and further away from your lips, to the water's surface before they burst.

So you wait even longer.

You try to hide all that is inside, though the little girl in your soul screams and begs to be heard... to be loved, unconditionally. 

There is so much that she used to believe in,

But now, she too, keeps waiting.