Here I sit

Here I sit,
looking at this distraught room- boxes everywhere, my life packed away
once again.
A tear graces my cheek,
I am not sad because of what passed, but sad because this is my life.
Continuously spiraling out of control, losing my sense of home, a place to call my own.
So here I stand, more weak than the last -
and take a deep breath to help this moment pass.

The wind creeps through the window and whispers in my ear,
that everything will be OK,
perseverance is key.

Patience is a virtue I am learning to obtain, while Hope seems like a family member that is close, yet lost along the way.
I push away the feeling, of emptiness and displacement,
to only put up my front again.

Trying to let some in,
allowing them to capture my soul.
Who will prevail?
The angel that has dealt with me for so long?
I can only hope so.
Yet, the miles of another scream my name in the night...
Ode to confusion.

Stop-Go

Loving how "No" means "Yes"
and "Stop" means "Go"
Loving pleading eyes,
and a fragile touch.

Skin so soft, so sweet,
taste so pure.

Loving the passion,
that ties with the emotion.

Just tell me to "Stop" one more time,
so I can keep all of my attention on you <3

You will never be me ;)

I feel bad for you,
because you truly think that second best feels good,
or something like that...
But darling,
I hate to break it to you.
You will Never Be Me.

I am beautiful, thin, charismatic
Joyful, carefree, engaging.
Many envy me for my intelligence  - my personality, and my looks.
I am strong, and strong willed and I always get what I want.
So when I give something up, and you try to scoop it up like a dog begging at a table for scraps...
I feel bad for you.

I stand tall, I'm confident, I see the best in everything,
I am truthful in ways that most don't understand.
I have the world going for me and more.
I respect myself, hence my decisions.
I respect others, which seems to be a foreign ideal to you.

I will do things in my life, and love those who are in it.
I will see the world, while you are stuck inside your self consuming bubble.

How does it feel to be second best?
On the back burner?
I will always be chosen over you.
It's happened time and time again,
and I truly feel bad that you think you are something special.
If something special is hidden, a secret, and constantly talked shit about and thrown under the bus... then damn I must be confused.

I am the best she's ever had and will have.
I make her a better person.
You are not even in the same league,
but just a fun thrill.
If she ever is with you, don't doubt she's thinking of me
If she kisses you, when she closes her eyes she thinks of me,
and anything more than that, you can best believe she is thinking of me.
That's all.

At the end of the day, nobody can love her like me, or hold her like me, or do her as well as I can.
True Story.

I'd stop trying to hard if I were you, you are beginning to look desperate. 

grasp!

I am longing for a full feeling,
something satisfying.
Should I push through to bigger and better things?
Or hold true to what I've worked so hard on,
when different kinds of love flourish my mind with tainted jade colors,
I start to question-
What am I doing here?
What is my purpose?
How much longer will I survive?

I am mentally weak, which is leaving my shell of a body even weaker,
my emotions are gone.
Simply lost in the abyss of the unknown.
How I fear the unknown now,
yet longed it for a long time.

I will remain empty until I find true happiness again,
I have lost it all,
when before I only had moment of  happiness throughout a day.
I want it all of the time.
Day dreaming? Maybe.
But I feel as if it's in my grasp now...

Forever&Always

My heart aches,
the pain is unbearable.
Am I doing the right thing? Or allowing the one I am meant to spend my life with pass me by?
I love her with all of my heart, I am still in love with her,
but have lost some of it along the way.
Is it my fault?
Of course- partially.
Is it hers? I would never want to blame her,
although she thinks I do.
I am not quite sure who's fault this mess of love is.
It is quite possible that it is neither,
it could just be the crossings of the stars.
I know for a fact that she is meant to be in my life Forever;
but what that Forever may be, is becoming more and more unclear.
If I could whisk her away from this place, I Would in a heart beat.
I would make her pack her bags, and leave this all behind with me.
I would hold her every night with a smile on my face, and whisper to her while she is dreaming...
Like I have done every night for three years.
I feel like she doesn't realize that I would give her the universe if I could -
that I want to do well in school so that we could have a life together, full of adventure and pleasure.
But,
here we are.
Fighting.
Endless fighting and torn apart agony.
I want to see her smile for REAL again.
I want to hear her precious laugh and see her emerald eyes sparkle in the sunlight,
while freckles appear on her sun-kissed cheeks.
She is so beautiful to me.
She will always be so damn beautiful to me,
and most of all she will always be my beautiful girl- no matter where the roads take us.
She is so perfect in the most imperfect ways.
Am I really asking for more?
Or am I scared?
Are we too young?
Do we just need time?
Mending is a process that will either naturally happen or naturally not.
But either way, she is my constant.
She has been there for me through thick and thin,
defended me when I needed it,
protected me from what she could,
held me when I cried...
Watched me struggle when my parents split,
Watched me lose my father to another woman.
Watched me deal with my mom when she threatened suicide,
and held me when I cried over songs that reminded me of me and my father when I was a little girl.
I am lost without her,
but lost with her.
I can't function or breathe right now,
and I think of my past.
I am so damn scared of my future.
I'm not sure what it holds,
but I can only hope for the best.
I can only pray for happiness,
and seek out the dreams I hold true to.

There won't be a night that goes by that I don't whisper "I love you, forever and always."
For I will.
Forever and Always.

Because

Last night was a mess...
Today has dragged on.
Fights and pretend make ups.
Blah.

But deciding to not let it get the best of me.
Because... I want to enjoy the sunshine :)

Carefree

My mind is a fog,
I feel as if I am sleep walking.
I wish I could wake up and embrace my life,
the purities of it all.
I run in my sleep to a place called
Far Far Away.
My escape awaits there for me, with arms open wide.
My heart is guarded for reasons of the past,
while it also yearns to completely let go.

I must gain courage to be who I am and express it to the world,
the universe.
For this is me.
I am a free soul longing to dance with the clouds,
and among the stars.

I just want to be carefree