Searching for Moonlight

Numbness overwhelms my sense of being.
A sensory deprivation crave,
Voice shot from screaming in the night,
Terrors consume my fragile mind.
Driving, but not aware,
The safest, unsafe action.

Inhaling deep,
But tattered.
I can't help but crave the night,
Where my eyes are closed,
My muscles release,
And my mind wanders to a land full of false hope and promises.

Have you ever been here?
Have we all?
Falling deeper into the oblivion we know as Life?

What comes from a rainstorm,
What comes from lightning striking a tree to her core?
Is it like when lightning strikes sand on a desolate beach?
Beautiful glass created?
Transparent, yet imperfect?

I wish I could be,
On that island,
Of pink sand,
From sunrise to sunset,
Wandering barefoot in a mindful state,
Rather, here I am.
Floating and lost, among stars...
Searching for moonlight.

Where am I?

I swallow two pills,
A pit in my stomach,
With all that's been going on the past few days...
The past few months...
The past few years.

I cringe as I feel them slide down my throat,
Cold water chases them.
"I actually need these. She doesn't."
Am I convincing myself?
Could I deal with this deep, dark, depression?
These manias,
Without it?
Are these mental illnesses concocted by the pharmaceutical industry?
So we can become addicted to giving them our money,
Our lives,
Our emotions?

The pink box fan on my bedroom floor sends a cold gust of wind my way.
Chills surface.

I ache inside.
My heart aches,
There are just so many things I'm questioning.
But what is the point of questioning?
When we question, we suffocate the here and the now...
The moment that we are present in,
Because questioning only lies in the past and in the future,
Never in the present.

But I can't help but fall back to that time where I was sixteen,
Extension chord wrapped around my neck,
In my closet,
Nobody home...
Dad came home early, and called my name.
Shit.
Failed.

Or that time where I took so many pills,
Chased by vodka,
And my friend found me,
On my bedroom floor,
And stuck her fingers down my throat.
Failed.
Again.

What is my purpose?
Why am I in this dismal wormhole?
Stop.
"Stop Questioning."
A voice of reason rings through the galaxies to my soul.
I hear her.

If Only...

A silent scream,
Nails falling off from clawing at Hope,
Fingers bloody.
A noose around my neck.
Asphyxiation.
Gasping.
Drowning in the sorrows of today.
I kick the chair out from under me.
If only.

Dark Carnival

Digging into the depths of her soul,
She sees a dark carnival, a spinning ferris wheel-
Doom creeps in her eyes.
Her soul is transparent in this moment.
Fear and animosity grow,
She acknowledges it and digs deeper.

A spiral of neutral, univiting colors dance before her.
A storm rolls in and she cries.
The raindrops and her tears blend together,
A stranger wouldn't be able to tell one from another.

Her pale face turns to the sky,
She screams, but only the woods around this vacant carnival hear her.
She is alone.
Not a soul in sight,
Other than the mosquitoes that feed from her warm moist skin.

She is angry, stricken with sadness,
She questions the higher power she feels around her.
"Why her?"
Tears flow faster, her hands begin to shake.

She falls to her knees,
Chin drops.
Hands and knees covered in mud,
She isn't phased.
She has always loved the Earth,
Dirt and all.

She picks up her muddy hands and wipes the tears away from her face,
As they continue to viciously fall.
The rain washes the mud, as it taints her pale skin.
She picks up her fists and pounds the muddy ground before her,
With rage,
Pure, fiery, rage.

What is life?
What is the purpose of all that we endure?
Why must others suffer?
And why must we suffer by watching them?
Why must we love?
Why must we care?
She screams to the Heavens "WHY HER?!"

She curls into a fetal position,
Grabbing her knees,
Now bruised, bloody, and muddy from the earth that was beneath them.
"I just want her back... I just want my mommy back..."
The little girl inside of her twenty-five year old body surfaces.
She is alone,
With nobody to hold her.

She imagines a time where she was carefree,
Where the sun was shining,
Where her mother could kiss away all of the maladies that life propelled her way...
But now,
Her mother is a shell of a human,
Lost in addiction.
Lost in a downward spiral.

Can this little girl balance adulthood with the pain of childhood?
"Please Lord, just make her healthy again..."
She sobs.
A dark figure comes up behind her,
It wraps what appears to be arms around her,
And holds her.
The rain slows down,
The clouds begin to part,
And this being just hold her as her sobs begin to soften.

It is a mystery,
She will never quite piece together.
The mystery of the dark carnival.

Addiction.

Something hard to swallow,
Something undeniable,
Something intangible.

Something that strikes fear,
Something that screams denial.
Something that lasts forever.

Something I've tasted,
Something she's experienced,
Something I feared would come back.

Something I know is in my blood,
Something I am cautiously not cautious about.
Something that I wish would stop.

Something I wish I could choke.
Something I wish I could kill.
Something I wish I could bury alive.

Something evil,
Something that appears blissful...
A Toxic Angel.
Addiction

Gibberish

Dipping in and out of rainbow colors,
Falling down a spiral monsoon.
Dripping wet in technicolored sin,
And singing drops of rain to the moon.

Let her fall into the depths of the Hell we call home,
Let her dance on fiery coals with pleasure.
Let her tiptoe through a field of poppies,
And hold her breath, as she goes under.

Skipping barefoot on the wet asphalt,
Chin to the dimming sky,
Her cares fade away.
She closes her eyes, and prays.

Where is the man on the moon when she needs him?
Where is her fairy godmother?
She swears in the night, they haunt, and she sees them,
But fairy tales were never her style.

Her skin is bare,
The reflection of rain drops amplify
The bronze tone of her pigment.

She scales the edge of a brick building,
Only looking to the sky,
Her fingers bleeding from grasping,
Her lungs collapsing from gasping.

Let her breathe in the colors
That no others can see,
She is climbing her way to the top,
Of all she can be.
Just let her inhale the sweetest aromas of sin.
Let pleasure and pain- evenly sink in.

Pain

Highs and lows overtook my soul.
This pit in my stomach grew stronger as I pulled her close.
I did not want to admit that this hurt,
Worse than most goodbyes we've shared.

I searched and dug for an answer as to 'why'
But all I could focus on was the warmth of her body against mine,
and the words that she whispered,
"I love you."

Depression swept over me for the nearly twenty four hours since our separation.
Her voice ringing through my phone eased the pain.

I couldn't really make out what would become of our future,
Of my future...
Of anything that awaits...
But then slowly I am reminded to live in the Now.

So I focus on my breathing,
To control the anxieties that have controlled me.