She can only pray

And she's no longer alone,
But alone more than ever-
She wishes to go back before her love had left;
But it's the price she pays for a love so strong, with a passion so deep.
She ponders,
"Am I not as attractive?"
"Have I gained weight" - even though she knows the scale claims she's lost it
"Is she too distracted?"
"Is she no longer attracted?"

The lack of human touch, makes her soul cringe.
Her heart shakes- and her body aches.
A hand being the one and only escape.

Her love claimed that she has been angry- and distant,
But in reality the girl simply just wants to be loved, to be touched, to be unforgotten.

She knows that her love is busy in creating a life for them full of comfort and joy;
Yet the time starts to sink in... the lack of touch, creeps in.

Recently absent for five months,
An apparent grudge-
Needing to be set free like a dove from a cage.

Home for less than two, and then back at it she goes.
Lonely is a word, that doesn't even begin to describe.
No money, no fame;
Could make the absence disappear.
She can only hope that one day, it is acknowledged that she is her love's love.

She can only pray.

Waiting on Superman -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLx3di1K1a8

What a beautiful song <3

Applause

"Hello friends! I'm so glad you're here!" She screams in an empty room, surrounded by white walls. She swears she hears them speaking, but it's just the echo of her own voice.
She speaks to the nonexistent crowd. They applaud her on how well she's done in the past year.
Graduating, Moving Away, and Making a Life with the Woman of her Dreams.

She smiles,
Takes a bow.
And begins to speak again, as the applause comes to a screaming lull.

She speaks of grandeur that is to be explored,
Traveling the world, and making an impact.
But she is stuck.
For the moment, in her bed,

With an empty pill bottle, and an audience in her head.

The facade continues to play on,
A stage so brightly lit,
Pressure, so delicately weighted.

To be the best, to make it to the top,
But what if the top, and the best for her are the simple things,
Seeing the world, traveling,
Maybe living on a beach... in a tent, with only a fire burning from some leaves and twigs to counteract the chilly breeze escaping as the ocean exhales.

She wants to live as the free spirit she is.
Dancing barefoot in the sand, under the starry, moon kissed, sky.

Winter Wonderland/Winter Wanderland

She wanders,
Chilly streets, as the sun sneaks behind the mountainous skyscrapers
Such a beautiful city line,
The rush of the holiday madness starts to set in.
The calming noise of car horns,
The sweet serenity of foul language being spewed in the holiday spirit.

She wanders.
The first attempt of a snowfall in the city was beautiful,
Yet lasted merely ten minutes.
The warm city streets refused the snow's kiss, and melted them away
into watery tears.

She wonders.
Where are they now? What are they doing?
Do they feel the same winter chill as I do?
She can only hope, they are warm by a fire.

Aimlessly wandering and wondering-
It can get you into trouble.

The sun bids it's farewell, as the winter night sky sets in.
A tad bit colder now.

She seems to move ever so slowly in the holiday rush,
It's just the beginning.
She can only wonder and wander, until her feet can't hold her anymore.

Why is it that we are only give this one life?
What is there to make of it?
An end.
A simple end, to all of what we thought was meaningful, was simply- to meet us at the end.

Rosy cheeks,
Icicle tear drops,
She waits,
Until warmth rejuvenates her soul.

Three,
She wishes she could speak with,
But will never dare.

Only one can hear her.
One could hear her,
and One wants to be heard.

She can hear one,
She would love to hear another,
And she chooses to not hear the third.

She wanders through this winter wonderland.

Twisted

Felt like
I spoke to the past
A faded
Jaded
Memory

Somedays
I wish I could just wake up,
Make a phone call.
Convince
Wait,
Then spend a night in demonic ecstasy.

To Dream
To Feel
I miss Feeling.
But I know it's only weeks away.

Progress

SkinNBones
Decimals Count

Height:5'5"

Start Weight: 120
Current Weight: 112.8
Goal Weight: 107
Dream Weight: 101

Alone- Death. Beautiful Death.

Have you ever just felt like... it would be easier to
Swallow the entire bottle?
Ignore the warning label?
And chase it with some vodka?

Alone.

A sound sleep,
Only a few pops away from a slumber so serene.
It would be so beautiful.
Or a comma.
That would be wonderful.

Sleeping soundly for ages.
Sleeping beauty.

I fear that is how I will leave this world.
Someday.
When?
Could be in an hour.
A day.
or a year.
Who knows.

But I struggle, more than many fathom.

Multiple Part 2

A breath of fresh air,
Cool autumn air.
Breathing life into my soul.

Although miles deter us from touch, we are still one.
So beautifully engaged, and
Attached.

My ray of hope and serenity.
A destiny- my destiny.

She holds me close through the miles, and kisses me through the wind.
The raindrops are her tears, when she's missing me.
The sunshine is her arms wrapped around me tight.
The clouds are the days, when we both need each other.
And the stars and the moon, they are where we rest- together.

This beautiful girl,
Holds me down. Gives me purpose.
Life makes sense.
I have come to a deeper understanding of the meaning of life, and the value of time and experience.

And when we make it to the end.
Because, We will.
They will be telling our story-
As inspiration.

Multiple Part 1

A hole.
A deep hole, full of salty tears.
Drowing.
Deeper and deeper,
Oxygen escapes, and gasps intake full breaths of suffocating water.
A dream.
Peaceful death.
How sick it might be, yet how serene.
Several times,
This sick, psychotic, feeling makes me feel powerful.
Ill.
Help?
Joke.

I close my eyes while I steer this car,
encompassing my shell of a body- my soul is detached.
Each, single, telephone pole,
Imagining being beautifully wrapped around it.
Crimson colors shed across my fucked up mind.

Peaceful, Anxiety stricken, Depression.
Yet, only for a few things.
 Because my Part 2

Is my lifesaver.

Tweedle-Blah

It's Strange you see.
What will be will be, and mirrors play tricks with smoke.
How one may fall,
down a wishing well,
When in reality it's a hole.

The hole in which, the rabbit cries, and pleads to overcome,
This place that we call Wonderland,
With tweedle-dee and tweedle dumb.

It's dark, I think- but might be right-
if scoped under a setting-
in which light comes forth, and the Queen of Hearts,
finds love, but that is doubtful.

It's sort of like an alternate,
Universe - or something of the sort.
A Land that is so undeniably real-
but separated from this world.

A taste of The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe
A snow blanket covers the ground-
and fairy-tale creatures are maimed
for the fame of holding a crown.

Drunken Glance

A glance.
A drunken glance.
For more than seconds.
Was I too drunk?

A glance.
A peek into the unknown past.
A soft glance.

A drunken glance.
Did you see happiness in my eyes?
What did you see?
A mirror?

A mirror.
A drunken glance.

Drunken Glance

A glance.
A drunken glance.
For more than seconds.
Was I too drunk?

A glance.
A peek into the unknown past.
A soft glance.

A drunken glance.
Did you see happiness in my eyes?
What did you see?
A mirror?

A mirror.
A drunken glance.

Invaded Space

A liar.
A word known to me so well. From my past- and my past at that.
Truth.
A word that I have come to terms with and verbalized.
Lies made real- and accepted.
Forgiveness.
A word I find hard to come by. Not an angel myself, but a lost and wandering soul.

Poetry- Where I find refuge.
This.
A sacred space.

Once shared- now public.

Insulted. A word that you make me feel.
Society- The norm. What you are...
A Liar.

Last Night

Jammin to Skillet
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jP0Ne9aW7UI

Twisted love cycle

*Crawling out of my skin, into a world of unknown sin - a life that's left behind, a past that screams within. Scars that creep and knives sink deep, into the flesh so pale. A life that's changed, but deep remains, a burned and shattered, frail.

My thoughts they haunt me, tainted nightmares-
Only the good die young,
Although good is a facade of all that we know- and all that we think we love.

Abandonment - a word so long, yet simple in it's ways,
Familiar to those like myself, so lonely - every day.
 There's two that left me- both were loves, but different in content.
One was my blood, my father-
Who I thought was heaven sent- Until one day I realized that man is mortal male.
He failed his wife, his children- a lie... a fairytale.
Soon after that happened,
I lost another love- a boy I knew, and cared for- just proved to be a coward as my very own father.

This boy and I had loved, but then our love had changed- from puppy love, and first - to best friends, bonded, safe.
Our friendship proved to be- the strongest I ever had,
Until he left my side, like my coward of a dad.

Now I lay in this bed,
 Alone because I fear- that love is ever changing,
And the end is ever near.

I put my trust in women- soon after men had failed- but the first was
undeniably, a lesson learned at best.
Trust can not be given, it must be earned-

The woman I love now, has taught me these very words-
That love is true and burning, in the souls of every shell- but one must go through torture, and survive a distant hell.

I love and never felt so sure, of what I have right now,
but something haunts me in the night- of past loves that let me down.

I beg and plea to prove me wrong, and show me to the end,
of time is where I want to be,
I'll hold your very hand.

Demon/Angels

Angels and demons roam this world,

You: One or the Other,

The perfect combination of both- undeniably. 

I met a roaming demon angel yesterday-

Their intoxicating vibes are that of the strongest, alluring, poison.

It's as if I've met myself in an alternate universe- mirrors.

They remind me of you, who remind me of me, who remind me of them, who remind me of you.

Addiction at its finest.

Addicted to a succubus like Myself.

Living, breathing, addicted to in-taking others' lives.
The most contradicting- yet beautiful, walks of life.

Caged-Bloody Fingers

Caged.
Clawing at these metal bars of a memory.
Fingernails splitting while clawing my way out.

Why do my nightmares haunt me, such relevant realities.
Yet, long gone-
but not washed away.

Trapped.
Inside this twisting, vibrant land of grays and blacks.
Such ashy colors- such chilling vibes.

My past is only a reflection of my scars-
and a mirror does not foreshadow my future.
My bloodshot eyes fixate on the scarring that occurred, convinced it'll happen again,
a knife to the throat, a body cold and bruised laying on wooden floor paneling.

Emotionally.

I am caged tonight.
No fingernails left to claw my way out...
Just numbing
beautiful
delicate
pills.

For blood and soft fingertips are all that remain.

Dull Knife

It always seems to me, as the winter fast approaches, my mind spins
out
of
control.

My judgement lacks,
My lonely heart bleeds,
and my mind- She Screams.
So loud that only those most distant can hear her, but the pitch seems perfect by those closest.

An addiction increasingly on the rise,
like a time bomb, like a clock- ticking away at what seems to be years, but in reality is seconds.
Strength is overcome by selfish need to fulfill the urge.

Feeling broken, and lost- while knowing that she will leave me to hold the fort down again
I know strength lies in these scars...somewhere,
But it's a matter of digging deep beneath my skin, with a dull knife, to find it.

Tonight I Shall Write

...In private.

Lilly

You were my Lilly.
A Million Little Pieces
Strung out and now a memory.
To sit on the frozen winter ground sounds...
Refreshing and Addicting.

DoubBack

Echoing in my head, screaming out
Lies and faults, spin around like I'm dead
Lost it all, down the drain, eyes are sunken
Breath escapes, from my lips, wrists are limp

Everytime I hear this song...

It reminds me of why I made certain decisions:) restinanswers

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_CRNN5fiEwI

Street Lights

The street lights make the night sky disappear
the stars and the moon are there yet hidden.
 Distant friendly memories
And distasteful foes.

Subliminal Coffee Stains

Coffee.
A Small Coffee Shop.
A corner.
Street Corner.
Brick walls,
Bells. Doors opening.
Regret.

One plan for coffee,
Dismissed. Regretted.

Dreams.
Nightmares
Say something?
Subliminal.

Stains.
Coffee spilled on the pages of my book.
Character.
Sing to me.

Living Nightmare

Blur clouds her eyes as she lie there,

Once again gasping for air,

Images a mere mirage for another moment.

The wooden floor cools her body from the heat of exhaustion,

Each panel knowing a different inch of her body.

Familiarity claims the situation, while her lover claims her body.

Kisses and “Sorrys.”

She turns her cheek to escape the lips of that who damages her,

 

Bruises on her neck paint her skin with tones of indigo and violent violet.

Silk sheets soak her tears,

Mascara runs, black out mind.

She closes her eyes to dream.

The only place where she can escape-

A twisted fate.

She wants to crawl out of her skin,

Fists then Fuck?

Loss of air, loss of dignity, loss of self-worth.

A simple bandaid on such a distraught circumstance.

To creep out of this so called bed, to break through glasses houses at full force,

She could only dream.

To Kick and Scream Scarring Pitches

Internal screaming, blood stained tears.
Iron tasting tears.
So internal- So scarring and tattered.

A new beginning, fresh faces, porcelain facades.
Danger creeping on the lips of an angel.
To my shock? Not so much- yet dismayed at the approach.

A primary battle, one of never ending disagreement.
She says the vision is crystal,
Yet - blurred it is,
Rain claiming the silence on the windowsill.

Bleeding.
Internally bleeding, yet it will subside.
Screams escape the silent lips through unseen tears.

Acceptance revokes my persuasion.
Mes mots sont vrais.
Experience seems vital in this bound story.
Empty pages drip with crimson ink.

Your eyes scream stories of pain
and greed of strangers' hands.
But you my dear, have yet to see or hear
my wounds so deep.

It's not a war at best,
or peace at very worst.
We're equally effected -
Different scenarios- Blood. Scream. Pain.
Internally conflicted, wounded, shamed.

The tears of past reflections, cast moonlight in the rearview mirror.
I kiss away your depth, while I cage my deepest fear.

I want to scream, to cry, to kick-
To love.
You.
My strength will not fail.
Someday I want your arms to blanket me, in warmth-With belief and understanding.

To scream, to bleed.
What a beautiful thing.

TwoNights

My last two nights are finally here-
Alone I lay on my bedroom floor.
No furniture in my apartment,
No friends eager to bid me farewell...
So I sit.
Getting stoned and writing to the abyss of my former days-
Peeking into my future.

Shall I sit for a cup of coffee with my mirror?
Or venture out into darkness?

I wish the night would tell me.
I'll keep an eye on the stars for a sign.

Goodbyes are ... inevitable?

Eyes are set, growing heavy each breathe I intake.
Smoke fills my solitude, and I sit here.
Reading as a ghost from a distance,
When in reality an angel hopes that my eyes listen.
I can only hope that words continue to skew through the wavelengths.

A starting point has always been my weak point.
Linking together, what has now been years.
Body is broken, and a disgrace-
Mentality is fragile.
For each of us it appears.

Each distant in a close knit group of clones.
Each zonked out on society's simple fixes.
Simple elixirs.
 Statements bold,
a new found pretension.

Only minimal days until a memory is faint,
yet remaining- for it could never fade.

Whispers in the night die for late night exchanges,
Under the moon light and benevolence of a former love in the moon's eyes.
How to go about this last month,
I wish you would pull that blade off your arm.
Revoked the craving of uppers, and embrace your inner angelic soul,
Tainted with the sins of few-
Breaking glass.

Remember When

Remember how we said we'd ditch this place?
Our friends would talk, but we'd throw it in their face.
We were going to make it, bigger than they know.
Now I'm here making our dreams a reality, flying solo.

Traveling the world, claiming the riches in life,
not money or power, but beautiful sights.

You're off somewhere working endless days,
to provide for her, and your kid with grace.
I admire your strength, and determination- but now you're stuck, while I'm soaring,
and endless convention.

I stumbled upon, a love more pure than a pearl,
cut like a diamond, shimmering gold.
Her dreams are big, and visions wide-
 She loves me wholely, no doubts in her eyes.

So here I go, leaving this small town,
I'll be but a memory, of all those around.
When my name is known all across the land,
They'll say "Remember that girl? With her silly plans?"

And hopefully you'll see and I hope you regret,
that day that you said our ends have met.
I understand that I initiated it all,
however friendship grew, and you made it fall.

Surging Addiction

Laying here.
Naked.
Warmth and soft material graces my skin.
Breathe.
Surging sensations pulse through my veins.
Headache.
Addiction.
Kicking back in.
The grey skies whisper dares.
I challenge them.
Slipping into oblivion of creativeness and darkness,
Here I go again.
Just a quick fix.

April Showers

Emptiness fills me, as words fly like razor blades down my fragile,
milky white arms.
In taking numbers, rather uppers and downers-
Emotionally stricken, with the bitter chill of winter trying to hold on.
A soul tattered by those once trusted,
Forgiveness you preach?
Apologies you seek.
While in reality apologetic mannerisms and words were once in the working,
Even announced,
Then sinful woes, were pronounced.

Horizons sway colors of reds, purples, and blues-
A cotton candy sky on the brink.
Yet, before the calm ensues,
A series of storms abruptly intrude-
For the test one last time on the apparently weak.

The sky must fall,
In order to pick up the pieces.

Weary Eyes- Court Driven Streets

It's the way I go, the way I travel, more times than not,
in this small town.
The city is big, but small enough to allow the past to creep, and lurk.
Intoxication normally brings me to this path,
whether uppers or downers.

A road.
A road of trial.
A road that once familiarized my thoughts with the word "home."

The memories swarm me at times unforgivable,
moments unforgettable.
Stress pinches my neck, my heart sinks.
I try to remind myself of all of the swarming negativity that once flooded my chaotic life,
yet there are lulls of happiness that make me angry.
Angry that I even think of them,
Disgusted that I even weigh them as more than the terrible woes.

But I dream of better days,
days that I had...
Even better ones that I hold now, since the sun began to shine again.

Too bad life is forever finite,
Although I think I'm a stronger believer that life goes on.
Maybe in a different life this will all make sense?
Until then,
Let thy weary eyes rest.

Her Name Is...

Wake up.
The sound of rain is lulling, in a sense warning me.
She is back,
A life long friend, a deadly foe.
She lingers in my brightest hour,
devouring my soul in its darkest.
A beautiful demon in the night, with gripping claws as the day goes by.

A mirror,
Distorted reality spits back in my face, as her voice whispers-
"Perfection is a must"
Acceptance is inevitable.
Ripples grace my skin starting below my neck.
Two distinct, solid, beautiful, pertrustions.
Delicate bones. I touch them.
To feel their brittle power, makes me crave more.

She whispers, "Where are the rest?"
My dear friend,
my finger tips slide down my bare skin to spaces underneath my shrinking breasts.
I stop...Eleven, one is missing.
I push, and it appears.
My heart sinks, as I feel her cold grip on my hips.
Unacceptable.

Our relationship invokes a bittersweet symphony,
The music of melodies clashing with the bass of a horror flick.
She grabs my hand, reassuring me that she loves me, that she cares,
While deceiving the reality of all that I've earned.

Shaking.
Anxiety runs through my blood in fear of her grasp,
while embracing her warmth.
The single most beautiful entity to grace my entirity.
She tiptoes while releasing me to the cold, porcelain, snow white tiles.
Fingertips through my dry, breaking hair,
Tying it back- routine like.

Expelling my body of the demons she disapproves of.
Meaningful struggles, beautiful embrace.
Cold.
Blurred vision, as salty streaks reach my lips.
Up.
Lighter than a feather.
Counting again, this endless number game.
Back to the top.
Twelve.
Relief.

Delicately she casts shadows where each bone lies.
She smiles in pride.
My best friend, yet she breathes my death.
Her name is Ana.

Drink Me

"Drink Me"
That's what she said,
Resounding voices in my head.
"Touch me"
Escapes from her lips,
Desire takes over, I'm gripping her hips.
My fingers gently grace her skin,
Releasing sounds from deep within.
Drowning desperately, deeper and deeper
Spiraling distinctly into oblivion.
Unleashing our love, where to begin?
Inhaling your passion with each breath I take,
Falling,
Harder into you each beat your heart makes.
So fall into me, with all that you are
each note, that's played on Love's guitar.

Don't fear or fret, for falling feels phenomenal.

Sing Song Love

Miles separate those
whose lips have met.
Yet, hearts grow intertwined.
Their love, unfurls
as time goes by,
with hints of well aged wine.
It is as if their souls were one,
Separated in another life,
Joined together once again,
an ageless love defined.
Two hearts as one,
a future grows-
Pure destiny not denied.
The beauty in these traveling souls,
on with each other relies.

Appology

To all those I've done wrong,
I'm sorry from the depths of my soul.
If I've ever slighted you, or lied to you
My appology is sincere.
From this point on, I vow to myself
to avoid betrayal and lies.
To pay it forward and do good in the world.
I can only hope and pray that forgiveness and healing is in order.
Lord help them and help me,
Find solitude and comfort in you and peace in
My life.
I will feel free
Happy
and
at
Peace.
I Will.

United

Enter,
Mind, Body, and Soul.
Release.
Let go of tension and experience full bodily pleasure,
Dancing with emotional bliss.
Promises cross my lips, of love and eternity
I close my eyes tuning out all entities tied to this world.
Now,
She shows me meaning-
Internally exhaling colors that Scream
Aesthetically pleasing sights.
My fingertips will trace her outlines,
Silhouettes, in the moon lit night.
The taste of her skin on my lips,
the taste of her breath on my tongue...
Heavy and sweet.
Her sweat in pleasure, alluring.
Gentle touching, gracing, skin, chill enhancing.
I will loosen her body, opening her mind, and embracing her
Heart in mine.
Euphoria will be reached as a peak of enchantment
Together as one.
United.

Unbreakable

Free me, Sweet
Old, Sun
Of all that I've done wrong.
My love is true and pure,
as clear the night is long.
She is all I've ever wanted, all that I
Adore.
My love for her;
Unbreakable.
Her kiss, it makes me soar.
My life is now complete,
as long as she will
Stay.
I hope to hold her dearly, until a wedding day.
So young,
You say.
You,
Speculate.
Yet- Sometimes you just,
Know.
My future wife- she wants to be, for this I surely
Know.

Jaded Brief Moment

Drenched in my past, yet the sun's beaming
love seems to dry me.
Days merge into nights and nights flow with
the sky.
Stars gaze down at the winter snow, sharing
their glimmer and light.
Crystaline winks passed down from the skies
to the naked sinful earth.
Such a jaded and poisoned world we live in.

Chilled.

Chills of excitement grace my naked skin,
Warmth fills my heart and soul as a smile skims my lips.
My love.
She fills me with life, breathing eternity
into me while awakening the depths of my body.
As time passes our love flourishes and thrives under a never setting sun.
Her smile puts constilations to shame, and brings
tears of joy to the moon's eyes.
I close my eyes as she travels, just to gaze into hers.
My memory will cease to fail me, for thoese eyes,
Her eyes whisper love and...

Dear Followers

How have you been?
Sorry I have lacked in posts lately :) But I am back! I am about to bombard you with things I wrote in my notebook over the past few weeks :) Read on!

Truth is...

I want to marry her.
I am going to marry her.
Holy fuck.

THIS is what it's supposed to feel like :)
Incredibly in love.

She will be my wife... if it is the last thing I do <3

ThisAnxietyInsideOfMe

Struggles.
Something I have become numb to,
Acustomed to.
However I still see new hints of madness on the horizon.
I have settled into my most favorite diesease and embraced my dear Ana.
She lingers on my lips, behind my teeth, in the back of my throat.
The pit of my stomach.
Guilt fills my soul as I even think about
Skin and Bones are my love, my life.
Down five pounds in one week.
By next week hoping to be down ten total.
And hopefully 15 in three weeks.

Destined love of Ana.
A love undeadly.
Immortal.
A disease of the mind and body.
It is a disease.
It's not as easy as saying "Stop" or wanting to stop.
Impossible.

I sort of want to curl into a bawl.
Wither.
Disapear.
Die.
Only sometimes.
WinterDepression is what they call it.
The end.

This anxiety inside of me is taking conrol.
Breaking me free from all I know.
Xany is my bestfriend tonight, all of three.
Goodnight Winter Wind.

fxd

Vomiting.
 Comfort in the shakes.
Weak.
More water.
Disease.
Shaking.
Fuzzy blanket on bare skin.
Naked beneath.
Shaking. Heat up all the way.
Fucked.

attention.

Craving attention... never a good thing.
Can't help it though.
 Human nature?

goalsss

Goals:
Eat raw...if at all.
Workout until nauseous and light headed.
Have a sexy body by the end of Feb.
Disgusting right now.
Yoga.
Running.
Sweat.
FuckingGo.

motto 2013

Eye opening experiences
 Bettering my life and the lives of others.
 Motto for 2013 is: Pay It Forward

new orleans ....

Haunting dreams three nights in a row...
Lonely.
Tired.
Must get out of this funk.

Happy I'm giving back though :) that feels good!

I wish on a shooting star for a good dream
Wish I may I wish I might...

Teapot

Empty moments consume my tired eyes,
Routine becomes broken down into that of distaste.
Wrapped in a warm blanket in my living room,
the soft touch reminds me where my heart is.

I sit here and write in hopes to escape momentarily.
A package arrived today,
The wonders that little brown box held.
Fairy tales skipped out of it, onto a shelf in my kitchen.

A little teapot,
Hand painted,
With stories told, that I know by heart,
Words spilled curiosity on the spout.
Beautiful. Colorful.
A reminder that she is still there.

I smile, yet my eyes remain weary.
Sleep is all I long for,
Yet in twenty nine minutes I shall head to work.
Until the night breaks me from this hell.

I shall return to the warm of this very spot I sit,
To write, to listen, to reminisce.

Such a beautiful porcelain teapot.

Reassurance

A pause.
A moment of silence.
My heart sinks as my mind races.
I reassure myself, but the silence is anything but reassuring.
She doesn't know what I think.
The demons that cloud my soul.
I hide them better than many know, except one.
There is a knot in my throat,
tightening as i manage to breathe.
Together, our love is undeniable.
Apart my mind races through the woahs of my past,
gripping my neglected innocence.

I crave my diseases, this always happens.
I fight back salty tears, as I tiptoe to my medicine cabinet.
I want to be alone,
yet I want to be comforted.
I must find sanctuary in something bigger than these small blips.

"Time will fly" I whisper,
yet it hasn't even been two weeks.
Bottles call my name,
And I struggle internally.
Yet I know that I cannot let my past creep up on me,
Because she is everything that my past is NOT.
She is EVERYTHING to me.

"Cut the shit"
I whisper in the night,
Though the night is barely breaking.

"I love you my little sea monkey ;)" I text her
However, she can't see me struggle behind these words.
Simply motions of fingers
But today is just a bad day.
Tomorrow will be better.



*side note: I think tomorrow I will go to my favorite coffee shop (Freedom of Espresso) on Solar street. I need to escape this dungeon of a home. For my thoughts will destroy me each moment I'm alone.*

gimp

broken martini glass stem stabs my wrist.
bartending has officially become dangerous.
ouch.
hospital.
lovely.