Echo

Singing into an empty space,
How beautiful the echo is.
Closing my eyes, as I get the shakes,
The bones speak for themselves,
"Here I am again."

The internal struggle, let it begin:
"Why am I here?"
"You're stronger than this."
"No, you're not."

I let the echo of my lonely song consume me.
Indulgence in the finer things,
In sin and skin, of lust and lovers.
In dreams.

Where will the echo take me this time?
Will I follow her voice down the rabbit hole? Will I engulf myself in my demons?

I've been here before,
Too many times.
I've come to the emptiness.
Echo.

Blue Jay

It's amazing what a week in the woods will do for your soul.
I'm surrounded by many, but truly alone on this journey.
Surrounded by hundreds, maybe thousands of trees.
Critters, scurry and stop as they pass me.
They can tell I'm truly a gentle soul, a light soul.
Words surround me, but all I hear is the chirping of a Blue Jay outside of my window.
So many young women looking up to me, but I'm not sure of the role model I am.
I've loved, I've lost... I've been hurt, and done hurting.

At night the crickets chirp,
A white owl pirches herself on the top of my cabin.
She is beautiful.

She sings me to sleep.
It's the small things

Learning to Love

Eyes  sore from soul searching,
But I know of peace, and where it can be found.

I see it,
Almost through an alternate universe.
Glass houses.

Reading into my emotions,
Trying to let the universe engulf me.
Breathe.

Right now,
I am willing to learn,
So being a student I become.

To learn,
To love.

Moving Wheels

City lights, rushing by.
In the darkness of the night,
I let her beauty consume me,
I've lost me,
She knew me.

Feeling the hours rush by me,
Twilight zone.
Flooded with uncertainty,
But somehow I know
That where I am is where I'm supposed to be at that very moment,

Although I long for something more:
Drops of sweat beaded on my skin,
From a night of passion and sin.
Peaceful sleep, first in years,
Feeling right, and lacking all my devious fears.

But there I was
Sitting stiff.
Stuck inside on moving wheels
Breathing,
Counting stars as fast as I can.
Miracles.

Raindrops

Rain,
Raindrops gently falling on my face.
Smiling as I then turn my face to the sky, and throw my hands in the air.
Peace,
I found it in this moment, short and brief.

Humidity filled my lungs,
Engulfed in all I've been and done.
The rain, made me
Whole.

A realm I've missed, but knew existed.
Peace in nature, Mother Earth.

I needed it.

Sea Sick

And here we are again,
Caught in a realm of thick and thin.
Two, but one...
Separate, but somehow intertwined.

We're lost at sea again,
The compass,  our oldest friend.
But stars guide us more than we want,
As we are drawn in by their beauty and light.

My dear we're lost at sea.
Surrounded by darkness,
Created by light.

Guided by a compass,
Following the stars.

I've lost my mind again,
More losing than I win.
I can't explain these waves,
It's all a whirling wind.

I'm out of breath from running,
So resting where I stand.

I let the waves engulf me,
Fighting within my soul.
But physically I'm drained, at best.
I'm learning to be Whole.

The waves they make me nauseous, for all I want is light.
The night consumes my olive skin,
Still putting up a fight.

My Daughter

I woke up, tears of joy.
Closing my eyes, to relive her beautiful face.
My daughter.

I was in my mid-late thirties,
Back to my blonde hair, in a summer dress.
I was looking for something.
I had toyed with the idea of adoption my whole life, and I figured I'd see what was out there.
I couldn't pick a child, a child had to pick me.

I arrived at an orphanage.
The head of the house was showing me babies and toddlers,
All adorable,
But none were "my child"

I saw a little girl sitting in a corner, quietly playing with a doll.
She was beautiful, she seems at peace.
Her locks of red hair fell around her face, the curls were perfect ringlets .
Her eyes were piercing blue, and she was kissed with freckles on her cheeks.
She was about 7 or 8.

I slowly walked over, as the woman proceeded to talk about the younger children.
"Are you waiting for new parents?"
I asked politely as I knelt down next to her.
Her eyes fixated on the doll, she replied,
"Just a mommy would be nice,"
I smiled,
"What about two mommies?"
She looked up at me with excitement, her eyes lit up like the Summer sky,
"Even better!"

My heart melted,
I woke up,
Tears of joy running down my face,
Nervous for the responsibility, anxious to meet her someday.
I truly think I just met my future daughter.

8/16/2015 roughly 8am

Universe Love.

...and as the night sets in,
And the Sun, sets,
I look back on today and ponder:
"What was accomplished?"
"What could I learn?"
"What will tomorrow bring?"

I finish up my daily tasks: dishes, dying my hair,
Most importantly Meditating.
I feel blessed in all of this universe that surrounds me,
I feel blessed in all of the love that I've encountered in my short life.
I feel blessed by all of those that have shown me compassion and guidance.
I am truly Blessed.

I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death,
and the only thing I fear is The Universe.
She guides me through my struggles, brings me light in times of darkness.
She has held me, encompassed me,
Embraced me- Flaws and all.

Pain.

Pounding,
Lights,
Sounds,
Engulf me

Pain,
Throbbing,
Silence,
Darkness,
Embrace me.

What is this pain,
Resounding in my head,
Making my body ache,
Ill, but curable? They say.

Perfect timing
Inexplicable,
Deranged.
I'm in pain.

Breathtaking.

"Breathtaking"

breath·tak·ing

ˈbreTHˌtākiNG/

adjective

1. astonishing or awe-inspiring in quality, so as to take one's breath away.

"To take one's breath away"

What an odd thing to want.

What an odd and off adjective. 

We use this for beauty, for magnificent things

Things that leave us in awe...

...something spectacular.

Reality-

Reality is that if one's breath was taken, one would be left dead.

Lifeless...

Breathless.

So why do we chase breathtaking?

Do we chase the end? I believe we do.

We are our own demise. 

Last night I journied,

Alone- fearless.

Inhaling summer's gentle breath.

I was taking breaths from her... breathtaking.

When you whisper words into the wind,

They are carried, 

Maybe lost,

Maybe delivered.

Maybe the message danced in the air for years before reaching the recipient.

But the wind takes your breath, 

Your words,

and either handles with care or mangles.

Breathtaking.

When I whisper at night, 

To the moon and the stars, 

I exhale my words, and thoughts for the day.

Maybe brought into the realm of galaxies,

Maybe stolen by the wind,

Either way my breath is taken from my lips,

With my words,

With my thoughts, and carried...

Where they reach I do not know,

All I know is that fear is no longer a word that exists.

Death could be closer 

And we can't resist.

For devils and angels may receive our breath once she strikes.

Breathtaking.

Where it's taken we don't know.

Whom it's given?

Secrets held by the universe.

All I know is that my breath was taken.

Coffee, Mosquitoes, and Star Gazing.

Crickets are chirping,
Car wheels squealing,
People honking.

Neighbors fighting,
Cicadas chatting,
My mind racing.

It's weird you know,
All of these little noises, majority of people tune out.
They become white noise, in the chaos of our lives.

Coffee, darker than usual,
I wanted it rough.
Stars illuminating the suburban sky.
The city so close, I can almost see lights.

A sleepless night ahead,
A midnight walk?
I shouldn't.
I wouldn't.
I will.

Mosquitoes feeding on my bronzed skin as I write,
I let them.
All of God's creatures need to feed,
Right?

There is a breeze, it is similar
To a time years ago,
Where I was under the stars, and certainly not alone.

I lay on this rooftop,
Close my eyes, let my Chakras align.
...Or try.

Wishing the ocean was a tad closer,
I'd drive to the beach...
Lay in the sand,
Meet with seagulls, and crabs
...Shake nature's hand.

She's beautiful,
She gives.
She is warm in her touch.
She breeds life, and inahles death.
Mother Earth.

So what am I writing?
Or why do I think,
That others care dearly what's raging inside of me?

I make friends with mosquitoes
While drinking coffee , near black.
While gazing at stars...
...and searching.

The man on the moon,
Venus or Mars.
Meeting, but one,
Would be breathtaking.

Flat

She wore a polka dot dress,
Hair always a mess,
Six inch heels,
Red lipstick smeared.
She didn't fear death,
Loved dancing, and sex.
She'd climb mountains just to inhale the sweet summer's breath.


The leaves soon would change,
Her life rearranged, she'd still love the smell of old firewood smoke.

Lavender filled her lungs, sunflowers filled her home.
She walks in the dark, smirk at the stars, and the planets aligned.

She was weird, odd, and quirky,
No shame in that.
She didn't make sense,
Like an old Spanish map.
She was FLAT.

TipToe Star gazing

Chocolate covered strawberries,
Dimly lit lights,
Jacuzzi tub and lingerie,
A perfect night.

Earlier, some gambling, some Riesling and some Italian Cuisine .
Laughing at times, quiet at others.
The silence screamed
In my head .

It's now one in the morning,
She is fast asleep,
We are surrounded by mirrors, clothes, and reminents of the night.
It has been two whole hours,
I toss and turn.

Contemplating taking a walk to the casino,
But not sure if I'd return,
I lock myself in the suite.

Who am I running from?
Who am I running to?
Why am I hiding from reality skewed perceptions?

The night is young, for me atleast...
Maybe the stars will do me some justice...
*Click*
I unlock the door,
Dressed in leather and lace,
Loose curls grace my face...
I tiptoe out.

Manic Spending

I sat there,
Manic spending lately,
Not really expecting much out of it.
She told me to get comfortable, her eyes were dark, and piercing.
I adjusted my statute, and slowly inhaled, closed my eyes, "...Ok... I'm ready."
Her words dance lightly at first as I opened my soul, she dug deeper and deeper.
"You haven't been yourself lately, you're depressed, you're anxious..."
"You're distant"
" Somebody is being malicious"
"C"
This person is trying to hurt you, to curse you, is jealous.
"Was she recently part of a cult? Or something similar?"
Heart sunk.
"She is powerful, and jealous, and angry... Vengeful"
"She presents herself in light, peace, and love, but it is a façade."
"Has she asked to meet with you soon? I feel like she asked to see you in the near future...don't go."
Confused.
Bitter.
Frustrated.
True? False? Just another lousy psychic?
"Don't go. You need to heal."

"S... You saved each other, but you don't know it yet."

"W" your soulmate. Distant right now because of negative energy being sent your way, but meant to be.

"Anxiety..depression..."
"You need to start meditating again"
Just another manic spending trip .

All I See Is White

"Take these pills," they said.
"They'll make you happy," they said.
"The pain will disappear, and the skies will become clear."

Ingesting to accept, to embrace, it seems to mask, to take sanity's place.
I just want to wander into the night, let the darkness consume me,
Dance with my demons.

I want to skip, and spin under the moonlit sky, under Mars, and make Venus jealous.
I wanna run, until my legs collapse.

I was stricken with confusion once again, and why?
Why can't love be simple? Why can't life be eternal? Why can't experiences be open?

They can be.
But we choose to think too hard before acting, for fear or being punished,
Fear of repercussions.

But in reality, is what makes us happy in the moment worth it in the long run?
Will we look back on our death beds and wish we did something different?
I don't want to live my life like that.
I want to be regret free.
Honestly, I am at the moment- but will I continue to be?

I look for answers at the bottom of this bottle...
Pop
Pop
Pop

But all I see is White.

Wonder.

Sometimes I just close my eyes and wonder
I hold my own hand
Play with my own hair
Smell my own skin and imagine...
I focus on my breathing, trying to channel a foreign being.
Are we one at this moment?
I can only imagine, only wonder.
Have we ever been channeling at the same moment? Through the lifetimes, the dimensions?
Who were we to each other in a past life? Who will we be in a future one?

I'm afraid to find out now, but curious.

Inhaling my anxieties I am often torn,
Often distraught,
Often left to
Wonder.