Anxiety

My anxiety is through the roof right now,
So I sit here and write.
Banging on the keyboard.
Like it will accomplish something.
When in reality, she knows.
I can see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice...

but nothing has changed and it's only been three days.
ultimatum or not she says she doesn't care
that she wont change
and I say that she must or she will lose me
"I'm already losing you"
she said to me.

My heart broke a little from those words,
but then i reminded myself that even TODAY
she questioned our love, and yelled in my face,
hit herself, the walls and slammed the doors.

It's not worth this anxiety,
it's not worth the stress, or the rage,
the tears, and the pain.

This anxiety is overwhelming.
This pain is unbearable...
and here she is telling me, "It's your fault you walk on eggshells around me."
When I know it's not.
here she is telling me it's never enough.

-Anxiety*

Sleep

As I laid my head on my pillow,
a sense of relief fell over me.
My soul was calm for the first time in a long time,
and I fell asleep.
Quickly,
Deeply,
Peacefully.

So forgive me, for calls unmade-
but be at peace.
For, I slept for the first time in months, without my soul feeling weak.

Now, I don't want sympathy- just an ear to listen...

I am seconds away from calling you...
Literally seconds...
but I am sitting here reminding myself not to do that to you again,
because you don't deserve that.

My world went to shit tonight.
I mentally checked out of my relationship.

I told her everything that I feel about her, because today.. she pushed me too far.
Tables flipped, candle holders shattered, papers everywhere, doors slammed, screaming to the point where when I left the neighbors asked me if I needed help or a place to go at that moment.

I am numb.
I told her I can't do it anymore.
I told her she needs medical help.
I told her how I begged God to take me, how I prayed to die, and how the only thing I look forward to every day is going back to sleep.
Yes.
I told her all of that.
I told her how I felt like the engagement was a joke, and how I felt the ring was a big bandaid on what shes done to me...
I told her that I still wish I was somewhere else.
I told her I won't be with her if she continues to not seek treatment and continues to treat me like a door mat.
I told her that "This is Emotional ABUSE"- which she didn't like, but I didn't care, because it's true.
I told her I don't think we are going to make it.

I was seconds away from telling her I wanted to call you.

I can't do this anymore.
I can't lie to myself.
This is Not Me.

I told her I refuse to remain unhappy,
and I refuse to accomadate for her self pitty, and being miserable.

I'm so beyond done and mentally checked out.
I am not sure where to go from here.
She says she will fix it, but to me those words don't mean anything... because htey have been said one thousand times before.
She said she loves me still, and that she didn't mean what she said or did....so my response was...
"The more and more you tell somebody something, the more and more they begin to belive it. So, I don't believe you love me, and I don't believe you will make this better. "

She cried.
and said she hated herself and wanted to beat the shit out of herself...
so I said "there you go again, turning it around on you"

This is the most vocal I have been in THREE YEARS.
Fuck this shit.
I am not about to submit myself to this torure anymore.

My mind, my body, and my soul can't take it.
Something has to change, and it has to change fast.
I think I am ready to finally do what I have to do to be happy once again, and to be me.

I might live here for a while until I figure my shit out, and so I don't screw her over...
but I told her. I am done helping her.
I really need to do this... and not let those fucking lying eyes get to me again.
I need this for my sanity.

I even told her I asked the doctor to put me on xanax because of the way she makes me feel.
She feels like shit... I know,
but that's just for the time being.
I am faithless.

So here I sit,
wiritng to you,
in hopes you read... how stupid of me to think you will... but i can only hope.

Now bear with me...
even if it's just for the moment.
I could really just use the support,
because the decisions I make in the next few weeks- are going to be ones that affect my entire future.
And I sure as hell don't want to live a miserable life, that of which I've been living.

*Life is too damn short*

l0st

*And here I go again...
...lost in dreams,
...lost in a train of thought...
Lost in it all*

Fixing the Unfixable

Sometimes I wish I could fix all the bad,
change what I've done,
change the situations others experience.
I would never truly wish harm on angels,
for angels need their wings to fly.
Fly to safety,
fly to where you belong.
You are an angel in disguise,
and certainly are capable of giving the world all that you are,
and the world would be blind to reject you.

It's hard to fix the unfixable,
but I truly wish I could.
If I could just touch the face of this angel,
if I could breathe life into her,
if I could make her forget the pain...
I would.

But for now, the unfixable remains broken,
and our lives remain seperate-
and the desire I have to help you, grows stronger everyday.

ChinUpChestOut.

NineHundred&Eleven

NineHundred&Eleven Miles until I am where I want to be.
NineHundred&Eleven Miles until fate gets the best of me.

NineHundred&Eleven Miles until I hope to see what I yearn to see...
only NineHundred&Eleven Miles to make unforgetful memories.

NineHundred&Eleven Miles until I completely let myself be free.
only NineHundred&Eleven Miles until I let myself hit reality.
For something, so close, yet so far seems to be in reach,
When deep down I know NineHundred&Eleven Miles is just a fantasy.

The things I hope to happen in these NineHundred&Eleven Miles- seem a bit far fetched,
the faces I hope to see in these endless NineHundred&Eleven Miles-
-simply a mirrage in the summer heat.

But I still have a glimpse of hope for those NineHundred&Eleven Miles,
those 14.5 hours down and 14.5 back.
Those FourDays, NineHundred&Eleven Miles away,
From Four/7/TwentyTwelve - 4/Ten/2012

I hope to see the face of the moon from NineHundred&Eleven Miles away,
while Kissing the Sun.

Drink Me*

Caught myself doing it again,
thinking.
dreaming.
scolding myself.

I can only wonder,
I can only hope-
do you see me through the looking glass?
Can you see my scars, my life, my hopes and dreams?

A bottle reads "drink me"
so do you take a sip?
A sip of me?  A sip of life?
Would you take a sip again, from this beautiful crystal bottle of poison?

A pill says "eat me"
So do you eat it?
To remember? to forget...
Do you ingest all that you once were
all that we once had?

Will you grow or shrink in this world of Alice?
have you learned from the Mad Hatter, or fallen to the stain in Alice's eyes?

Have you tripped in this game of Hearts,
or won in the game of cards?

Alice is crazy, mad and lost.
...but "We are all mad here."

Would you do it all again?
Drink the poison, eat the pill?

Do you dream of it like Alice?
Hoping to fall back into Wonderland?

I really miss my Wonderland...