One By One

I lie there,
bare back facing the ceiling,
bare chest on the cool sheets below me.
Face burried, in a pillow, only warmed by my breathing.

Numb.

Bruises on my arms, my legs, my shoulders...
small- sometimes not even visible- but there.
Bruising on my heart-

"Here I go again,"
feeling bad for myself is so pathetic;
I try to convince myself that I feel bad for myself though...
When in all reality, I stopped pitting myself ages ago.
I do this to myself.

As I inhale I feel each lingering breath expand my lungs,
and as my lungs expand I feel my ribs separate.
One, by, One.

It's here where I find my sick sense of peace.

I close my eyes,
salty tears are pressed to roll down my face.
I think of the past.
I smile, in hopes that my future can only be as good as my past was.

The past three years I have fucked up my pathetic excuse of a life.
While others have aided me in the process.

Only three people, all of whom I let down, tried saving me.
Those three saw right through me...
Two I lost for lifetimes,
One still a friend.

Drugged.
Up.
On.
FuckingUp.

Xanax, Codeine,
Liquor.
Bones, ProAnna.

What my life has become.

So there I lie.
Hollow breaths, simply bones,
beautiful emptiness.

Just thinking.
And thinking, now that, that's where I get in trouble.
That's where my thoughts become words on blank paper.
Like here,
rainbow blood trickling down stupid fucking pages.

Naivety, in my own damn words.
Hatred for what I've become.
Who my family has become, and who they've undone.

Only hoping for a brighter future.

I know who I want to be...
I do. Believe it or not.

I want to give someone by all, to give them my love, my willingness to live, to breathe, to do.
I want to smile every day, and not have to worry about shedding a tear.
I want people to fall in love with my smile, each day, over and over again, like a contagious disease that I once use to give off.
I want somebody to feel blessed in my light.
I want to be appreciated when I do small things, and when I bend over backwards for the one that I love.
I want to fulfill my potential without restrictions, I want to have fun, and be twenty one without having to babysit.
I want to be Me.
I want somebody who likes my hippie skirts, my curly hair, my rosy cheeks in the summertime.
Somebody who loves my free spirit, for I Am A Free Spirit.

I want to give myself the credit I deserve, while reaching for the stars and kissing the moon.
I want my writing to be appreciated.
I want my love to be accepted.
I want to love everyone, and accept everyone and be proud of it.
I want to make people feel safe, in my arms, or in my presence.

I want to be barefoot dancing in the rain on a warm summer night while the steam from the blacktop slips through my toes.
And I don't want to be put down... anymore.

But here I am.
Laying,
bare skin only being kissed by the moonlight,
because my love is not enough.