Overwhelmed

It's this feeling that I cannot grasp, something I cannot shake...
It's tomorrow- and I can't really admit that it's happening.
How can he do this? How is he OK?
Does he still think of her?
I'm sure... or I want to be sure...

Giving his love to somebody else- like my mother was just an object left on a dusty shelf.

I am angry, timid, scared-
I won't get attached to his new love.
I refuse.
I still won't even allow myself to reattach myself to him.
My own father.

My heart aches-
my eyes tear,
my body is physically sick over it.

Sure everybody deserves second chances-
Hell,
I've given out 101
and been given too many- more than I deserve.
But, I know one day, I too will ask for a second chance.

But part of me has not forgiven him,
for the pain,
the suffering,
the storm he brought upon our family.
Part of me thinks he doesn't deserve this.
God forbid he does it again.
Part of me doesn't doubt it,
while watching his new "wife" live in naivety.

Naivety.
What a simple, yet powerful word.
We all live in it, soak in in, breathe it.

I'm just not ready for it-
and by saying so I am selfish.
At least I admit my self yearning desires
...when it comes to this matter.

It's just not right.
I'm not happy for him.
I still catch myself resenting him...
My own Father.
How sick does that make me?

Somebody I used to look up to,
somebody whose approval I always yearned...
it's just not the same with him anymore.
He is different...
and I am different.

Because, now, I realize, that my daddy that I had as a little girl is not perfect,
and he is NOT who I want to become anymore.
I won't become him.

I need to find myself, be true to myself, and love myself and my family.

I cry- often, because I resent him.
I don't want to ... but I do.
He did this to himself.
It's nobody's fault but his.

Keniving.
Lying.
Cheating.

And here I am...
crying again,
writing this bullshit.

Feeling overwhelmed.