TBC

Entertaining...
Humans, in the physical realm.
The excitement about repetitiveness.

But why?
Each time something repeats in the physical realm,
Is one more moment that is taken...
Ripped away from the depths of one's soul.
At least in this physical lifetime.

Feeling empty, anxious and exhausted.
Almost instantly when the clock stuck twelve.

But why?

To be continued...

Empty Thoughts

Empty thoughts
Haunting me
Echoing in a long dark hallway that is my mind.
Can't quite pinpoint,
Silence.

Slowly
A dull beating
Growing louder
Like footsteps coming closer
Then silenced once again.

Caged,
But exploratory.
I wait,
My mind searches,
And I beg  it to give me wings.

For a moment,
I know the way,
But will I take the path that leads me there?

For survival I must.

Wasted

Get me twisted
Waste my time
On cheap memories
And cheaper wine.

Whiskey Lips

Memories soaked with your whiskey kiss,
Stained lipstick,
Whiskey bliss.

Engaged in your dance of hit or miss,
Let's explore this...
Whiskey bliss

Again let's dance, let's laugh, and trip
Drunken city nights
A whiskey kiss

Your whiskey lips

Vulnerable

Naked,
Tangled in sheets,
Sweat beads on our delicate bodies.
Bare,
Unwrapped and unraveled
Few words spoken.
Only skin...
But is this vulnerable?

Less the fabric , we are unwoven
But let's strip back the walls of our souls.
Let's break,
Let's become naked in an alternate realm
Show me your soul exposed.

Woken by the Universe

Three o'clock in the morning.
Starting to wake me again,
Starting to shake me, break me again.

Anxiety consumes me,
But energy and creative flow make my hands shake as I write,
As I clench my chest,
As my mind races.

The universe is prying my eyes open,
Trying to show me brighter colors than the radiant colors I'm seeing now.
Colors that only few have seen.

I will start writing when the universe wakes me.
Something great will come from it.

Hazelnut Chills

A warm aroma of hazelnut fills the air,
It is early,
The sun peeks through half opened blinds.
Her rays bounce off the white walls creating an illusion of space.

Wide
Open
Space

I lift a piece of art,
Hand crafted, to my lips and inhale.
The scents arouse my senses.
The heat radiating from my coffee warms my cheeks and nose.

Pressed against my lips, I take my first sip.
Chills are painted on my entire body,
My emerald eyes close softly and I take in this simple moment.

For just a moment the world melts away and I focus on the sensation and chills that have encompassed me.

It reminds me of the time our bodies first met.
I touched your face, traced your lips with my finger tips
And instantly...
Your soft porcelain skin was covered in thousands of tiny bumps,
I smiled because I could tell nobody had ever touched you this gently before.

And this first sip,
Brings me a memory,
Encased in warm, quiet release.

Hazelnut chills.

October in Arizona

Oh you haven't heard about October in Arizona?
Well that's because it's a best kept secret.
Only those who fall in love with the song and dance of the desert get to experience her passion...
Even if only for one night.

Why not fall in love with the desert?
Her touch is warm,
Her kiss a refreshing breeze.
You don't have to tell a soul,
It's our secret to keep.

Have you explored her rolling mountains?
Dove deep into her valleys?
Let the sunshine make your cheeks warm,
As if you had an affair with whiskey.

Have you gazed into her stars?
They hold the secrets to her soul.
The desert is a secret place, you can secretly call your home.

Have you felt the dust between your toes,
Or felt the monsoon rain?
Did you let it quench your thirsty soul,
And wash away the summer's pain?

If you listen closely you can hear the moan of those she's loved.
The coyotes, scream and try to warn...
But they're just seeking blood,
For the are jealous of her many loves.

But don't you worry,
'Cause once she bites, her venom numbs the pain.
And all you'll feel is desert bliss,
And euphoric desert tastes.

So now that you know about the desert's ways,
Will you visit?
Or will you stay away?

Selfmade Storm

I find myself dancing again,
With one of my fearless demons.

She is laced in the night,
She tangos with the moon.

I am barefoot, kicking up dust
Creating my own storm,
Watching the dust float gently back to the earth.

Naked, I let out a heavy exhale.
Mouth dry from the desert heat...
Longing to be quenched.
For that summer rain,
To fall on my sun kissed skin.

Simple Question

Eyes closed,
Your head on my chest.
Are you listening to my heartbeat,
Or the pace of your breath?

Just a Dream

Catch me,
I'm falling...

Deeper into this dream of bliss,
Of air light touches and harsh drunk lips.
Tequila kisses.
Of grips on hips...
And panties ripped.

I close my eyes and paint your body
In moonlit curves and Halsey's words.
Beg the stars to pinch me and the moon to wake me,
But this life...
This universe,  she loves to shake me...
Break me,
Make me
       High on her , then take away my poison
Also my cure.

Misunderstanding

Openness
I tear my heart out of my chest,
Hold it beating in front of you.
It is yours,
It bleeds red.

Words flow,
Emotions spilled,
Honesty given...
But words twisted,
Unsure of how you hear it.

My lips and mind race in unison,
Trying to unveil these underlying emotions
But you are blinded by societal norms.
I cry.

Your anxiety and disgust build inside,
Unsure why...
Mascara soaked tears leave my eyes...

I try to elaborate,
Try to litigate,
Still you see our fate crumbling.

But I see the world through open eyes,
An open soul,
Peace and love...
It spills,
It overflows.

Just wish you would listen...
Like...
Truly listen,
And not be fearful of the unknown.
Because you have my heart and soul...
And in this universe,
That's all one needs to feel the flow,
Of true love,
Of one love...


Of OUR love.

Coffee Stained Lips

Bare skin,
Standing on edge.
Aching for touch, yet still with energy.

Coffee stained lips whisper words into the warm morning air,
Blackbirds chirp,
White brick walls reflect the sun's beauty.

Tangled in the essence of mindfulness.
Turned on by energizing morning vibrations.

Let my fingers explore these pages even more,
Let this pen flow freely across your deepest thoughts,
Let your energy radiate through every inch of my being.

The weight of your legs on mine,
The soft sound of your breath as your head rests on my chest.

Be still,
Let yourself unfold

Kisses from coffee stained lips.

Real Pain

As humans there are many types of pain we can feel,
Physical,  emotional, mental, spiritual
False and Real.

A simple phone call,
Eye opening,
Painful.
Real Pain, certainly.

Excited, relieved, eager to speak
Shut down,
Too busy,
To even listen...
Because there is fresh fruit waiting.

"But..."
Silence, distance
"And..."
Talking to another person.

"OK, I'll let you go..."
Defeated.
Hurt.
Anger.
Pain.
Real pain.

A soft giggle to lighten the mood,
Her face was still stone.
Her soul turned to dust.
All because of fresh cantaloupe.

Extraordinary.

Counting

One, two, three
  Inhale
Three, two, one
  Exhale

Repeat.
Inhale getting heavier,
Exhales growing shallow.

Tightly wrapped in a quilt
Counting seconds
Counting minutes
Counting moments.

Tight Imagination

Imagination suffocating me,
Tightly wrapping her grip around my neck.
My chest caves in.

I exhale and close my eyes.
Seas or turquoise taunt me,
Begging me to dive into their waves naked.

I imagine the cool, yet warm rush that would engulf my physical being.

Here I am.
Dreaming
Traveling
Exploring this realm!

Nahash...the serpent

Why tiptoe when you can dance?
Move to the rhythm of my heart,
Feel the bass in my breath.

Forbidden,
Yet tantalizing...
Bodies begging.
The fruit on this tree,
This garden...
You try to resist, if even for a moment.

But moments pass,
Bliss sets in,
Takes over.
Wild we become,
Because wild we are.

My free spirit intrigues,
As it does strangers.
There's something in my eyes,
Screaming danger,
But pleasure.

Come be curious ,
Succumb to guilty arching backs,
Goosebumps and silent moans.

Have you really tasted the night like I have?
Have you ever been so drenched in pleasure that you were stripped of your name?

Bite in.
Taste the desert night,
Quench your thirst.
It's only one bite.

Snap

Heart racing nearly as fast as the mind,
Cold air still around my naked body,
Empty.

Vibrations run through my soul,
Curiouser and curiouser I become.
Like Alice
Down a rabbit hole.

My chest is tight, yet nothing clings it,
My body aching to be gently touched.
Ever so
Softly.

A simple human touch could cure this crippling feeling,
But here I am,
In a brand new queen sized bed.
Alone.

Alone with my thoughts on the moon and the universe.
My soul traveling from dimension to dimension.
Walking,
Serene exploration.

Dangerously walking a tight rope,
Over a fire,
This burning fire in my soul...
Wondering what happens first...
Does the rope go up in flames or snap?

Blissful Depth

Let me melt into your soul,
I just want a tiny glimpse.

Let me swim through your veins, feel your pulse
Imagine your secret bliss.

Let me dive into your thoughts,
Both deep and shallow.

An underwater cave,
My curiosity in the shadows.

Buzzing Inspiration

 A buzzing energy fills my soul
Inspiration begging me to play,
Taunting me with temptation.

Body aches,
Fingers explore pen and paper as if it is the first time
Excitement rushes through my indigo veins

Vibrations manifest themselves,
Slowly but surely.

Wondering, wandering thoughts.

Screaming to escape my caged mind.

I let them brew,
Can't say it's the first time.
So here I lay,
And here I write .

Recenter

Poetry. Let it escape my lips, stain wrinkled pages, touch broken hearts.

Straying

Off the path,
Looking back,
Forgetting the sun is rising in front of me.
Focused on the setting moon.

Heart racing,
Legs pacing,
Stomach facing realities created,
But simply stated facade.

Unsure,
Unsettled.
Sight lost,
Breathing tempo
Here.
Now.
Reminder, much needed.

Here.
Now.
Smile,
You're already on your path.

Done straying,
Now coming back.

Dusk Kissed Stillness

Skin crawling,
Awaiting the night to pass.
Debating reveling in the heat of the moonlit desert sky.

But the coyotes wait in the dark.

Heart racing, body aching, mind pacing.
Burrowing for comfort,
Welcoming the morning moon,
Begging for her to dance with the morning sun.

Fluttering,
Jitters,
My heart
My head
My soul.

Dusk Kissed Stillness is what I crave.

A day from hell

Wake up late.
Hit snooze three too many times.
Look in the mirror,
Bag under eyes.

Under the sink,
No dry shampoo,
Too late to rewash my hair.
A bun will do.

Barefoot tip toeing to the kitchen,
Maybe coffee will help.
But instead an empty canister sneers at my tired eyes.

Packing lunch...
A banana and...?
Left over vegetarian "chikn" nuggets?
Like a child, I just laugh.

Cats trip and toy at my feet as I rush.
Mascara will have to do...
Door locked.

Warm desert breeze soothes me,
"Eh it could be worse"
Car door opens, key in ignition and
Empty.

Fuck.

Closest gas station,
Closed,
Next one ten minutes out of the way.
Late
But... c'est la vie.


Still no coffee,
Hot mess,
Day becomes a whirlwind of chaos.

Finally home.
Realizing I need to go to the grocery store.
Off I go in flip flops and sweats.
Still waiting for 2 phone calls to be returned,
But they aren't.

On my way down an aisle.
My flip flop breaks.
I laugh...
Almost hysterically.
This has been my day.

But somehow I've been lighthearted,
Is this growing up?

Vulnerable

Letting the stars wash over me,
As I lay in the dust,
And energize in the moonlight.

Vulnerable.

If it happened...

Sometimes...
Your skin crawls because it aches to be touched.
It aches to feel a gentle,  yet overwhelming tickle.

Something that sends shivers down your spine,
And breeds goosebumps on your skin.


Your soul aches for a whisper,
A back arching sigh of words
Beautifully teasing your mind.

And you lay there
Imagining
What it would be like,
If it actually happened.

Engulfed in serenity

Isn't it funny
How sometimes you can't feel the breeze until your bare skin is beaded in water?

But the second you dip your body into that drenched bliss
Submerge then re-emerge
A cool breeze tickles you.

Goosebumps.
In the most endearing way.

So then you decide to submerge yourself again,
Releasing your senses.
And you enter that water a little faster than before,
Letting go a little more...

And before you know it you're in the deep end
Floating on your back,
Only your face remaining dry and towards the sky

Senses lost
Floating
Smiling
Engulfed in serenity

I miss...

I miss reading the passion drip down pages,
Like water soaked ink on the most simple paper.
I miss feeding my imagination, my soul, my craving.

I'd beg,
But I'd seem weak.
I'd whisper,
But that fear eats me.

So I'll occasionally glance,
Into the night- trying to decode the stars.
As if I have some power in how they fall.

Monsoon

Thunder and rain roll viciously down the mountains and into the valley,
A thirst quenched.

Winds violently groping the trees,
The concrete buildings,
And now my bare skin.

Raindrops, big and oversaturated
Drenching me
Drenching the cracked and parched ground.
Exciting it.

A pure dark night sky,
Lit up.
Patterns and electricity seer delicate images in my mind.

Cradled by the monsoon.
My new addiction.

Dusty Moonlight

The sun is always shining,
The moon is always dancing with the stars, unveiled.

The warmth holds you in its arms until you're sound asleep.
Cradling you,
While the wind whispers sweet lullabies.

Heart pounding in my chest,
Excitement.
Bliss.

Barefoot dancing in the dust,
Kicking it to the wind,
Under this night sky.

Wonderland on Earth

Walking through endless paths
Mountains  in the distance,
The swirling smell of growing herbs ,
Tiny bulbs strung across the tree tops.

A woman,
Blonde hair,
Fragile eyes,
Timid, but warm and welcoming smile.
A soul that I instantly knew.
Her smile reciprocated the feeling.

Plucking and picking herbs in her beautifully crafted wonderland.
"And lavender is for..."
She places it in the small mesh sack.

A gift, filled with seven herbs.
 A "dream pillow"
A gift so small,
Yet so meaningful.
This moment, I'll cherish forever.

So tonight, I rest my head
Surrounded by the New Mexico sky,
And summoning pure light and love.

Follow

Follow that pit in your stomach
That ache in your soul,
That terrible heartbreak that left you so cold.

Follow the stars in the sky,
And the wind through your hair,
The tug on your heartstrings,
You feel it, it's there.

Follow the sun and the moon,
The day and the night,
The memories in the making,
And the ones from last night.

Follow your smiles, your tears
Excitement and pain,
Follow the moments you have,
And the ones that you gave.

Follow your soul's intuition,
The sounds in your head,
Your brilliant past lives,
And the ones you misled.

Follow the pull from the Earth,
She's guiding you home.
We're in this together,

• You're never alone. 

Glimpse

A little taste of a fantasy world,
Will you graciously give it to me?
Tantalize and tease me with words,
Like whispers caught in the wind.

Speak of the stars and how they dance,
The moon in all her glory.

Give me a glimpse...
That's all that I ask.
It's calming, yet also unnerving.

So here we are,
Breaking bread yet again,
As if the hand on the clock has been still for days on end.

I close my eyes,
Intoxicated.
What have we unlocked?
Pandora' s box?

Mood

Stangers: Halsey
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3hjpNuvapQ

But We Still Dream

Incredible imagery,
Vivid and nearly an alternate universe.

Living through a tainted lens,
So real,
The feelings, emotions and turmoil.

What world have I fallen into in recent nights past?
What place has my soul traveled to?

Demise.
Yet so oddly calm.
A clear mind provides me with answers to the obstacles.

But here I lay,
Awake and away from that place.
But we still dream.

Theatrics

Single file line,
Being herded like cattle.
Ominous light.

Looking around.
Paint peeling from walls,
A skeleton of what was once a thriving theatre.

Dust fills the air,
Lungs heavy.
Confusion.

Breaking off,
A room.
Once a WC.
Now hollowed out.
A mirror, fogged and scorned.

A reflection barely shown.

Nobody had seemed to notice my absence,
In their robotic state of mind.

Curious, my soul inquired the history of this place,
Where we were all captured and slaves.
Not a single one thinking for themself.

Where had we ended up?
A theatre with no theatrics.

Butterflies

If you followed the butterflies in your stomach, where would they take you?

Would they take you to the edge of the Earth, the depths of the sea?
To the highest mountain top, or the highest trees?
Would they take you to countries you never did see?
Would they take you wherever my spirit would be?

Ready.

Rope light at the head of our iron cast bed sets a calming vibration.
It paints a skewed image of light on our slanted ceiling.
Taking it all in before It's gone.
Before it changes.

Legs tangled,
Heart racing.
Can't believe this change is fast approaching.

A leap of faith,
A strong pull to the west.
I hope she welcomes me with open arms.
I hope she challenges me, but also comforts me.
I feel her begging me to call her home...
And I will.
In just one short month.

A new beginning,
A new life in the Valley of the Sun.
Let her encompass me with love and warm healing energy and light.

I am doing this...
Because I am ready.

Moonlight Recharge

Long days,
Coming to an end for now.

Laying my body flat on a bed.
Allowing myself to sink in.
Focusing on each and every muscle separately
Honoring it, then releasing it.

Allowing my bones to fall away from one another,
Allowing my organs to be gently noticed, and dismissing from their hard work for some rest.

Toe by toe
Fingertip by fingertip
Vertebrae by vertebrae
Heartbeat by heartbeat

Moonlight recharges me.

Pushing through...

Some days you just have to wake up and do your best...

Desert dreaming

The planets have a funny way of making things happen...
They dance with the moon,
Shifting and shaking the universe in hopes that our souls open up to the message.

Chills blanket my skin at the thought of what's next.
The unknown is so peacefully calling my name.
So to the desert I go.
To dance with coyotes...
To get covered in dust...
And to get lost in the endless blanket of stars in the dark night sky.

Let my bare body get kissed by the sun,
Let my soul create a new home.
The pull is stronger now more than ever.

Afterthought

A whirlwind,
In and out
Tossling my curls.
A quick not-so authentic kiss.
And gone again.

You'd think I'd get used to this loneliness,
This empty space,
The waves of hopeless thoughts and emotions.
But this empty space continues to feel cold.

I crave the sun,
Desire her warmth,
But I can't help but notice the low laying... suffocating... humid clouds.

Near but far,
Here, yet I still lay alone, naked, in this empty bed.

Watch me chase the sun.
Blinded by its beauty,
Ignorantly oblivious to the damage she causes.
Simply careless to the damage,
Because her warmth is comforting enough to forget.

Let her burn me as I sleep.
Let her cancerous grip choke my young body.
Let her consume me...
As long as I'll be fucking happy.

I feel my heart trying to break free from
It's cage made of ribs.
Fragile, yet restricting little bones.

Half tempted to reach in,
Rip it out,
And set it free.

Commencement

Eyes smirking,
Smile soft.
Curiosity fills the darkest corners of my soul.

Music loud,
Inhibitions lost.
Silence in the chaos.

Silent words,
Screaming eyes.
Soft gaze became inviting.

That gaze begged me to open up Pandora's box.
So there I stood,
Finding comfort in holding this key of inquiry.

Something so different,
So complex...
So misunderstood by most; and I found that beautiful.

And within just a few hours,
Our souls undressed one another.
Exploring each and every crevice.
Addicted to the creativity found.
Stimulating.
Beautiful Chaos was sure to ensue.

...Dead Sea...

Standing up,
The tiny blonde hairs on my silhouette dance at the thought of your touch.

Face warm,
Body numb.
Exhaustion soaks into my soul.

Eyes heavy,
I feel a deep REM sleep coming on.
I embrace the unknown,
Beg for it to teach me,
As I'm willing to learn.

Chaos.
Creeping through my core,
Head spinning, heart racing.

I feel like I'm floating,
On the Dead Sea.
Skin barely wet,
Carefree of how the science of it all works.

Just bobbing.
Floating,
In this warmth.
The sun heats my olive skin...
And these stupid blonde hairs on my silhouette dance.

Changing Tides

Floating with the tide,
Away from shore.
So relaxing.

The smell of the salt water calms me,
As I float.

I fear not of drowning,
For I am my own lifevest,
I am confident in my stokes
Against the current.

Set free,
No rope to hang on to,
No boat in sight.
Just me,
The ocean,
And the setting sun.

Swallowed

Swallowed by the stars
Captivated by the cosmos.

Engulfed in this energy.
Floating faintly.

Into the indigenous woods.

Find me flying.
The highest heights.

Diving into deep, desert canyons.
Creeping in the crevices.

Finding fortitude,
Objectified by the obsolete oblivion.

Desert Soul

In no time ,
My soul will belong to the desert.
Wild,
Free,
Just like she's supposed to be.

Veins Burning

Do you ever feel like your veins turn to ice?
But at the same time it feels like there is fire running through them... burning from the inside out?

I was never this way until recent years.
I was always calm, accepting and aware.

But something turned me on my head.
Someone?
The universe?
What ever it was has made me dead.

They say you must die to be reborn,
To experience awakening.
Not die literally,  but figuratively.

You know...
Like those poems we dissected by suicidal famous poets in high school?

Maybe they missed the meaning of life?
Or maybe I'm missing the meaning of literal death.

One way or another my veins are burning.
A vice stares me down from my bedside table.
And the parasite in my mind is being fed.

I must cut off her source of food to evade this poison.
I must end this addiction to self suffering and self destruction.

Because my life has so much more loving to do.
Because my soul has so much more light to share.

But here I am
Sitting in a dark room.
Veins burning.

Takers

 Other people's energy.
Something I've taken for granted...
Until now.
When mine has been drained and sucked from my soul.

This energy...
This light we have is so precious.
We simply give and expect nothing...but it is exhausting.
We don't realize how much...
Until we can barely move
And realize we need to recharge .

I certainly honor your energy,
As you have always honored mine
In this world full of takers.

3:31AM

Live in your poetic silence.
Scream in your unspoken nightmares.

Remember the Warmth

A gentle warmth embraces my feet.
Bare, they stick out of the covers.
Sunshine pierces through our window pane.
Her delicate, porcelain being is peacefully laying next to me.
Deep in a dream land where I only hope she sees me.
I smile.
Her rosy lips are screaming perfection in their silence.
I gently run my finger tips over them.
A smile breaks free,
Her face glows.
My whisper doesn't wake her, but makes her aware...
Of just how much I truly love her.

What is a moment?

Whirlwind,
Chaos-
They all think the smallest things matter.
Naïve
Oblivion.

Watching their concern,
Simply unaware of the Four Agreements.
Will they ever be?
Twenty Six years before I broke free.

Still breaking free each passing moment.
What is a moment?
Is it a breath?
A heartbeat?
A blink of an eye?
A damp Spring breeze?
A chirp of a bird?

Panic

Is your chest ever so tight you can't breathe?
Do you ever hear your heart pounding in your head?
Feeling it pouring out of your chest?

Lash Out, Be Divine

Lash out.
Unleash the divinity that resides within you.
Let your femininity allow your spirit to dance in ways she pleases.

Never stop.
Never question.
Just live endlessly in this moment.

Whether it be anxiety,
Lust,
Love...
Embrace it.

Chance it.
Without taking risks,
You never can reach your ultimate Divine.

You are beautiful and unbreakable.
Let the spring grass bend and be malleable underneath your toes.
Let the cool breeze of the ocean calm you.
Let the vastness of the desert leave you inquiring.

Just simply be.

Unravel and Drown

Because when we let go is when we can fully float into the unknown.

It's when we can allow the darkness that surrounds our being illuminate from our light... Because darling... we are light.

We are not physical beings,
We are souls temporarily attached to shells, to learn a lesson or two.

Unleash your potential by unraveling.
Unravel by letting go.
Just accept the beautifully high vibrations that the universe blesses you with.

A sensation at the edge of your very being.
Surrounding you,
Encompassing you like a cocoon
Warm,
But also freeing you,
Like the butterfly just spreading her wings for the first time.

Hear the silence,
Let it wash over you.
Absorb its beauty...
Its gentle embrace.

Just.
Open up...
And unravel to the cosmos.
Expose your naked soul to the unknown.
Drown in the beauty of it all.

The Four Agreements

Long overdue... I'm sorry I haven't read it sooner.

You.

Your soulmate will be the stranger you recognize...

....and I recognized you.

To live again

If I'm completely honest,
Part of me is lost.
She's gone with the wind...
A memory in the dark.

It's a flame  that once flickered,
Not smothered, but fed...
One that led me through the darkest nights,
Now gone.

I understand her reason,
Her timing,
Her need for sanity and clarity...

But wasn't it so beautiful to have once run wild?
Wasn't it so incredibly freeing to just express with no boundaries or limits?
Our wings, now clipped.
Only in hopes they can regrow.

I know the flame is not dead,
And that the energy thrives.
But is encapsulated in a glass coffin.
Until we dare to shatter it.

To live again.

Mood

Black Mirror: Episode 4

Silenced

When you have that fluttery feeling in your chest,
The bad kind... not the good.
Aching to unleash,
Aching to express...
But you are silenced.

Silenced by the fear of expressing too much,
For feeling unstable too often.

They say it's the silence that kills us anyway.

Tug of War

I feel like I'm at war.
At battle with myself?
Perhaps.
Or maybe something else.

Something from within my core, pulls...
Strains.
Pulling me away.
Or pushing me towards something.
I may be blinded by the cold war weather.

What is the universe trying to tell me?
My wings will spread either way.
Come with me,
Or maybe just let me go...

To get lost,
In this desert,
To dance alone in the sandstorm,
To get lost
In the sunset on the distant mountains.
In the warmth that drives me.

Something is pulling me West.
No qualms of leaving East.
No worries,  no cares.

Sometimes I beg...
Sometimes I plead...
To be taken from this tug of war,
And left inside my dreams.

Echo in the Night

An echo in the night,
To the stars and straight back.
The moonlight shimmers on the frozen roads,
The snow glistens mirroring the stars.

An echo in the night,
Since a true call would be unacceptable,
Disrespectful... so I sit here,
Stronger than in the past.
Counting stars until dawn breaks.

An echo in the night,
Getting louder, but still not loud enough
My vibrations are higher than ever,
Only one person could truly relate.

An echo in the night,
Sound waves breaking barriers,
Traveling to alternative realms and back.
If not in this lifetime...
Was it in our last?

An echo in the night...
My voice is shaking,
But remaining strong.
My love for you,
Never gone.
But now and echo in the night.

Familiar Realm

Stars align,
Their flicker, their heat, their glow,
All an illusion.
For all we know they're dead...
Dead like flowers tricked into thinking it's Spring.

We've counted them endlessly,
Shared the same sight,
The same body heat, the same friction.

Gazing into the distance,
A figment of our imagination,
A memory covered in dust,
Brushed off.

Closing my eyes,
I am surrounded by blues, purples...
The warmest colors.
It almost reminded me of pre-birth.

Oh to be reborn.
Exploring a realm so familiar.
Yet from thousands of years ago.

Right?

Laying naked,
Alone- becoming familiar with the
anxious stillness that breeds in my chest.

Like one thousand moths fluttering their wings.
Like the emptiness of the unknown.

Embracing this Hell.
The torture is something I tend to crave.
Inhaling fuels the fire with this exhaustion.

Drained.
Simple, yet complex.
Longing for touch.
So ridiculously tied to this shell.
Vibrations at an all time high intensity.

Unable to refocus.
To reconnect.
Surely it'll all fall into place.
Sooner than later...
Right?

Unlocking

A key unlocks,

This potential is endless.

Serenity drowns me in peace.

Strength coming forth in the form of delicacy.

Just a phrase,

Just a thought in passing.

Let it be,

And let it go.

Attempts being made to release.

To unleash.

To unravel the full potential that seems caged;

Trying to spread its wings.

So close.

I feel it in the base of my spine.

Own Hero

The older she became,
She realized the only person she could count on was herself.
The universe delicately held her,
As she shook in disbelief.

She simply had become her one and only hero.

Dull Pounding

Struggling,
For stillness.
A dull pounding in my head,
Again,
Here I "rest".

Trying to focus
Yet still no stillness.

Chhinnamasta And Eris

Contradictory thoughts swirl like a storm
Awakening the slumbering beasts within.
Chhinnamasta rattles this realm.

She dances with Eris,

And together they create this darkness.

I feel them near,

Hear their voices battling the beyond.

Inviting us through sin.

Simply mortal we cannot fully grasp the dance they teach.

The words they speak. 

The life they lead.

We simply get caught up

In the turbine

Of

Their 

Contradiction and Chaos.

So much more...

And they say I'm "beautiful"
But I'm so much more...

Traveling Laughter

Captivated by this peace that surrounds me,
Like a shell protecting a yolk.
I can't see it,
But its presence is overwhelmingly beautiful.

I climb into a chamber of love,
The walls are sturdy,
Sunshine warms me.

My heart dances to its own beat,
Occasionally skipping one.
Those are the times I feel it...
When it stops.

It's blissful and leaves me inquiring,
Searching,
Learning,
Discovering.

Like a curious child roaming through wilderness.
Touching, feeling, embracing the wild bark and thorns she encounters.
Scents of new beginnings fill her lungs,
Sights of detail captivate her eyes.

Scraggly long blonde curls,
Catching on tress branches,
And she twirled,
Face to the sky.

Her toes sink into mud,
As she let's nature paint a picture on her soles.
Creating just one of many stories on her flesh.
She giggles,  and the wind takes the sound from her lips.
To the ears of somebody far away.
Far away in the physical world,
But always close.

Simple Breathing

Find me,
Discovery me,
In the in between.

Encompass me,
Surround me,
Hold me,
While I hold this fading breath.

Shallow,
Deep,
Entranced.

Get lost in my breath.
Heavy then slow.
Near,
Far.
Hollow.

Return Me

Running my fingertips up and down my sternum
Inhaling the sunshine that warms me through the windshield.
The visage falsely represented,
The cold air trickles in.

Craving eternal warmth I close my eyes,
Project my soul to a warm, dark space.
Welcoming the distant light energy that pierces this total blackness.

A century ago I fell into a deep sleep,
Breath lost,
Bare bones
And here I wake,
In a different space.

Energize me.
I plead... take me home.
Return me to the dimension where I belong.

Fay

A light surrounds me.
My heart flutters its wings.
I see darkness ahead, and gear up.

Power and light dance through my fingertips
A fiery solstice on the rise.
An eclipse on the horizon.

I lay among the clouds and watch the humans bustle below me.
I play with their hair,
Touch their freckled faces.
Gaze into their eyes,
All to receive a blank stare back.
They look right through me,
As if I am a ghostly image of their past.

I can't help but smile at their blissful ignorance.
I am somehow intrigued,
As if I have the power to unlock their abilities.
Somewhere, I hold the key.

I beg to dance with them,
To know their insecurities and instabilities.
But I am simply Fay.
I cannot possibly understand their mildly complex minds.
As I think much deeper than they.

My chest rises and falls,
This shell of a body encases my entrancing spirit.
Some call it mythical... some call it magical,
I call it supernatural...
Spiritual.

So much deeper than the surface.
Born into the universe, among the stars.
An achiever.
A charmer.

Burning in Hell

Long, empty spaces fill my soul.
It aches.
It is torched with fires of hopes and dreams.
It is tired from feeding the flame with its oxygen.

I try to smother the uncontrollable mess.
I try to claw at the locked door in front of me,
My fingernails peel back and begin to bleed.

I too shall be engulfed in the flames,
I too shall be suffocated by the smoke.
This fire you set, has left me burning alive.
Flesh melting away.
Soul trying to hang on...
By the slightest thread.

I collapse, in synconicity with my lungs.
Eyes close, with the doors to my soul.
Body dies, as my soul is born into another dimension.

This is the hell that I live in.
This is the hell of my daily spiritual growth.

A Letter from the Woman that Could've Been Your Mom...

Dear angel (A),
   I know you don't know me by name. You may recognize it if you heard it. I know you might not even recognize my face, it's been a year since you first (and last) saw it. There are just a few things that I want you to know. First of all (and most importantly) you need to know how much your father loves you.I remember the day he called me and told me he was going to have a son. I could hear his voice full of tears of joy. One thing I never doubted was that he would be THE BEST father, and that any child would be lucky to call him "Dad." Ever since him and I were young, dumb and in love he wanted kids... all he ever wanted was to be a dad. He had this beautiful innate desire to be the best father a world could offer, and that was one of the things I most admired about him. When you were born I got another call a few days later, he was ecstatic. You were "beautiful" "perfect" and "all he could've asked for." My heart did flips and sang with joy again. There is something about your father he may not recognize, and as you grow older you will remind him of: his worth. Your father is a hard worker, is determined and has arguably the largest heart that I've come across in my lifetime. He is full of love, determination and creativity. I have no doubt that as you continue to grow and flourish he will see these qualities in you, his Son. Another thing I want to do is thank you. Thank you for giving your dad a reason to live when times get tough. Thank you for giving him unconditional love for the rest of his life. And thank you for blessing me with the ability to be connected to you through the distance. I can only hope that my ability to "see" what your soul has in store continues. When I first met you, you were four. It was about a year ago on a cool fall night. The stars were out in full force and I came over to have a cup of coffee and catch up with your father. Although we didn't work out as a couple, I know in my heart of hearts that we will always have a love and friendship with one another. We were talking about your recent accomplishments, your personality, your minor foes. His eyes were so bright. The brightest I had ever seen them. He got so excited that he literally woke you up in the middle of the night so that I could meet his little angel. You were scrawny, lanky, tired and had on these adorable little pajamas. You rubbed your eyes, the same eyes you shared with your father. He introduced you to me, and I fought back tears. I was so happy in this moment. I was so happy to see your father so happy and to see the life that he brought into this world. You were shy at first, but quickly broke out of your shell for a few minutes. It was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. I want to thank you for that moment.
Throughout your short life I've had dreams and visions that you are in. Some good things, like how you are going to accomplish so much in your life. And some bad things, mainly health related issues. This morning I woke up with extreme anxiety. You and your father graced my dreams once again, and you were sick. You were so sick and I wanted to save you. It was your heart. Please know that if I could, I would give you mine to save your life. My dream was filled with anxiety, surgery, and the unknown. Awaken abruptly I called your father, he answered, unphased by my "So, I know this sounds crazy but I just had a dream about your son..." preface. He laughed, "I figured when you called that you had another one of your dreams." "It was his heart... I mean, I'm sure it isn't as bad as it was in my dream, but it was clearly his heart. Something was wrong with it... I just..."
"That's wild... we just took him to the doctors this week and he has a heart murmur... The doctors said it's nothing serious, but he does have one."
I felt so connected to you in this moment. Chills took over my body, tears filled my eyes. The moment I hung up the phone with your father I closed my eyes and prayed to the Universe. I asked her to allow us to share this connection for the remainder of my life. I sent positive energy, love and light to you.
Lastly, I want you to know that the world is yours for the taking. My dear, I want you to understand that ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING you want in this world can be yours. You can accomplish great things, and you WILL accomplish great things. Never doubt your intuition, as I promise you it's right about 99.99% of the time. Follow your dreams, and conquer the world!
I could continue to ramble on, but just know that there are undoubtedly at least two people in the world that would do anything for you. Sure one of them might be me, a 'stranger' to your physical world experiences, but because I would do anything for your Dad I would do anything for you.

With Love,
The Woman that Could've Been Your Mom

Orien's Dance

Let's make memories,
The kind that only the two of us share.
Meet me on Mars or the Moon...
Among stars in the universe somewhere.

Bring your barest self,
I promise I won't judge.
Show your scars, your scrapes, your subtle shakes
Let's compare our darkest parts.

So as of close my eyes,
I imagine a blank canvas.
Paint splattered.
Now smeared.

I relax each muscle in my face,
Let the tension fall from my shoulders and neck.
Open my being, my soul
To the possibilities of astral projection.

Call me crazy,
but take my hand,
Let's walk
Among the stars.
Let's dance... weaving in and out of Orien's Belt.

Eyes of the Sea

Captivating eyes of the sea.

Shadow of Her Demons

Am I turning into that which I despise?
That which I yearn to run from?
Have you ever met your own shadow
In the darkest of alleys?

Your eyes pierce your soul
Your touch makes you cringe...
It's like a drug you can't escape.

Let me course through your veins,
In the most intoxicating ways.
Let's be bare.
Naked.
Truly vulnerable.

Fall in love with my shadow,
Help me fall in love with her too.
You seem to have your demons under control .

As I age,
I still feel so young...
So much to learn,
But I can't seem to grasp this demon inside of me.
She taunts me,
Plays cat and mouse with me.
And here I am.
Simply intoxicated by her evil.

Shame

Shame.
Why must we entangle ourselves in this societal norm?
Breaking barriers,
Questioning the credibility of this world'series people.

Why must we degrade what has been given to us?
Why must we feel the need to trap one another in webs of unconsciousness?
We were born naked,
Born free.
Born wild.

Dimensions

Slow breathing.
Let the night encompass me,
Let her stars shower me in stardust.

I shall walk,
I shall run,
I shall conquer.

These dreams allow for endless possibilities.
Our minds know no difference between dreams and reality.

So follow me,
Take my hand.
Let's dance this dangerous dance.

Let'stand make our reality simply dreams,
and dreams our reality.
If only for tonight,
On this dimension.


I will.meet you there.

Wild Fire

This desire stirs in me.
Brewing like a summer storm.
Heat.
Passion.
Building.

Purposefully stepping on hot stones,
Stepping closer to the mouth of a volcano.
Silly careless girl.

Now dancing on hot coals-
It fuels her passion.
Burning flesh at the touch of the heat.
Free spirit claimed by love,
Endangered by lust.

A creature wild bred.
Tamed.
Yet craving her true nature.
She senses my magnetic lustrous being.
We feed together.
Burning in this Wild Fire.

One sentence

Intoxicated ignorant delicate bliss.

Drenched.

Blood soaked tears,
Tear soaked pillowcase.
Mascara drenched skin.

She was a beautiful disaster,
Never giving in...
Never asking,
Pleading
Or begging for help.

Eyes sopping wet,
Breathing fast.
Racing
Chest rising,
Falling.

Shaking.

She felt hopeless,
She felt alone,
But honestly... what else was new?

She ached to scream,
To tear her skin from her frail bones.
To breathe her final breath.

Peaceful,
Serene.
Final
Sleep.

So she took one...
Took two..
Took three...
Pop
Pop
Pop.
Swallow.

She begged the universe to smother her in her sleep,
Leaving her dreams eternal.
And to never wake.

Leo Eclipse

The time has come yet again
Eclipse of many moons
In Leo.
A fiery energy of change...
Abrupt endings.

As an empath, I brace myself.

Let the tides be resemblant of my strength,
Let the moon's light guide my way.
Let the night sky wash over me.

Peace and serenity on the Horizons.
An energy and warmth encompass me like a shell.

Bring on this journey.

Movie to watch

Comet.

Four months

I close my eyes,
See the sunshine,
The palm trees,
The gorgeous desert ahead of me.

Four months,
Just about.
A change.
Good, desirable, peaceful change.

The arms of a warmer state,
A distant 'coast'
Tones of clay clashing with the clear blue sky.
Take me there.
Counting the days.

Pages

Pages
Upon
Pages
Upon
Pages

Written
Unread
Spared.

Exerted

All effort exerted.
Drained.
Time to
Recharge.

Disappear.
For a while.
My soul will be rejuvenatedonated.

Goodbye.
For now.

Gasp

And when the wind is still,
I gasp for air.
Drowning.
In my own, tomorrow.

Music

Stolen -Julie Moffitt
I’m tossing in my sleep trying to
shut him out of fever dreams
it’s only been a week – a half-hearted
fantasy, wondering what he sees in me

in our separate space we are idols from a higher place
the beautiful ones that everyone wants
and I’d be happy to adore him from a distance
but knowing he adores me from a distance makes this

hard, and it’s slow
longing for just one more moment, knowing that he has to go
and it’s false, and it’s weak
nothing to be said now, but in our silence, we’re both aching to speak

this emotion, frustrated confusion
is it all an illusion and will I wake up to a harsh and empty space
his devotion lies in someone else’s arms
and I am just an outsider trying to save face

and it’s hard, and it’s slow
wanting to be all he wants, knowing that’s not how this goes
and it’s false, and it’s weak
nothing to be said now, but in our silence, we’re both aching to speak

and I’m stronger than this, I’ve been through this before
but what’s one more lesson when the stolen moments are worth living for?

and it’s hard, and it’s slow
longing for just one more moment, knowing he has somewhere to go
and it’s false, and I’m so weak
there’s nothing to be said now, but in our silence, we’re both aching to speak

Breathe because...

Life is meant to be constantly changing. We grow, we learn, we inquire. When we learn to spread our wings, we quickly fall in love with the feeling of wind beneath them. We realize that life is so much more than the tree top we've been stuck in. There are blue skies kissed with marshmallow clouds. There are dancing rivers through meadows. The sunset and the sunrise never look the same, as they are painted by the universe uniquely each day. The stars become brighter, sunshine feels warmer, and you can hear music in the wind.
You learn to dance barefoot around fires, howl with the beasts of the night, and swim with the creatures of the sea. You slowly feel each particle of your being becoming more and more  alive.
Live freely, fall in love with the journey, and allow your soul to become whole*

Music Speaks

Endless highway,
The sunset in my rearview
All beings slightly stirring.

Spring near breaking,
Yet the coldest wind has yet to come.
Windows cracked to feel the harsh, crisp breeze kiss my blushing cheeks.

Song
After
Song

How does the universe pull our heart strings in such symbolically beautiful ways?
Sometimes beauty is pain.

I crave it at times.
Just to feel a glimpse of a memory.
A moment.

I cherish those moments I cannot grasp.
Tears smear my makeup
Yet, a soft smile is painted on my face.

Disposable

It's a tug of war I play,

Internally.

You judge, tear it apart, but it'seems like I can't control my demons.

I wish you could,

For the smallest moment realize how I feel.

Acknowledge that my feelings are valid,

Real.

But instead you, the jester of mind games begins a match.

Instead of listening to truly understand.

You make me Dance to the beat of your drum,

I trip,

You laugh.

I hurt,

You lash

Out like I'm disposable, 

Trash.

But still I'm here,

Clinging onto past years,

The ego much smaller then than now.

Hours ahead are countless. 

Distressed,

I self medicate.

Because that's all I've ever known. 

Astral

Practicing,
Learning,
Astral Projection,
Astral Sex.
Be open to it.
Let's get lost in an intimate astral plane.

Burning Beautiful Bridges

Fire dancing, as we dance around her.
Chants made, barefeet
Losing ourselves in the rhythm  of the drum.
Feel the bass in our souls,
As smoke rises and clears.

Free flowing post battle celebration,
Cracking my moral code.
Build a fire and let it burn the world around us.
May the Lord forgive my weary hands,
Evil rushes through my fingertips,
While my body unleashes, and is free.

Our hands red with blood,
Smiles grace our faces.
Those who surround us see no sign of guilt.
So here we are dancing.
Heat radiating,
Inhaling the smell of the burning wood.

Soles of our feet dirty,
Warm,
Our bodies begin to bead sweat.
Unhinging,
Movement frees us.

We are held dearly by the Universe.
Mesmerized by the flames in front of us.
Burning Beautiful Bridges.