Between the lines

Where are you now that I need you?
Why have I pushed and punished you...
Myself...
For years?

Understanding is a gorgeous trait.
One that you are so beautifully dressed in,
So delicately balancing,
And so willingly giving.

I sit on a curb,
Cold cement pressed against my pelvic bones,
Elbows on my knees,
Staring at this tiny, shattered screen.

The sun is kissing me while I exhale negativity,
My leather jacket and leather combat boots capturing the heat as if the sun were going on vacation.
I focus on my deep breathing,
Deep,
Hollow,
Strong,
Yet gentle.

I will live for me,
For others have time and time again taken advantage of my kindness.
I can be cruel, I can be fierce,
But overall I am loving.
Too loving.
I love all things, all people, all beings...
To fault.

I lie with this façade,
A jester at my own masquerade ball.
Dancing, twirling, and never removing the mask,
For fear of breaking the mystique.

Half tempted to walk,
Find my way,
Head back home a few hours early.
That would only seal my fate in this chapter...
A chapter I am unsure of the outcome.

The more I love,
The more I live,
The more I breathe,
The more I welcome the next book,
The next lifetime.

Two nights ago I came near death,
I nearly accepted it,
But something pulled me out.
My time here is not done quite yet,
But it will be in a short time.

My heart pounds,
The wind blows,
I am stuck,
Between the lines.