Searching for Moonlight

Numbness overwhelms my sense of being.
A sensory deprivation crave,
Voice shot from screaming in the night,
Terrors consume my fragile mind.
Driving, but not aware,
The safest, unsafe action.

Inhaling deep,
But tattered.
I can't help but crave the night,
Where my eyes are closed,
My muscles release,
And my mind wanders to a land full of false hope and promises.

Have you ever been here?
Have we all?
Falling deeper into the oblivion we know as Life?

What comes from a rainstorm,
What comes from lightning striking a tree to her core?
Is it like when lightning strikes sand on a desolate beach?
Beautiful glass created?
Transparent, yet imperfect?

I wish I could be,
On that island,
Of pink sand,
From sunrise to sunset,
Wandering barefoot in a mindful state,
Rather, here I am.
Floating and lost, among stars...
Searching for moonlight.

Where am I?

I swallow two pills,
A pit in my stomach,
With all that's been going on the past few days...
The past few months...
The past few years.

I cringe as I feel them slide down my throat,
Cold water chases them.
"I actually need these. She doesn't."
Am I convincing myself?
Could I deal with this deep, dark, depression?
These manias,
Without it?
Are these mental illnesses concocted by the pharmaceutical industry?
So we can become addicted to giving them our money,
Our lives,
Our emotions?

The pink box fan on my bedroom floor sends a cold gust of wind my way.
Chills surface.

I ache inside.
My heart aches,
There are just so many things I'm questioning.
But what is the point of questioning?
When we question, we suffocate the here and the now...
The moment that we are present in,
Because questioning only lies in the past and in the future,
Never in the present.

But I can't help but fall back to that time where I was sixteen,
Extension chord wrapped around my neck,
In my closet,
Nobody home...
Dad came home early, and called my name.
Shit.
Failed.

Or that time where I took so many pills,
Chased by vodka,
And my friend found me,
On my bedroom floor,
And stuck her fingers down my throat.
Failed.
Again.

What is my purpose?
Why am I in this dismal wormhole?
Stop.
"Stop Questioning."
A voice of reason rings through the galaxies to my soul.
I hear her.

If Only...

A silent scream,
Nails falling off from clawing at Hope,
Fingers bloody.
A noose around my neck.
Asphyxiation.
Gasping.
Drowning in the sorrows of today.
I kick the chair out from under me.
If only.

Dark Carnival

Digging into the depths of her soul,
She sees a dark carnival, a spinning ferris wheel-
Doom creeps in her eyes.
Her soul is transparent in this moment.
Fear and animosity grow,
She acknowledges it and digs deeper.

A spiral of neutral, univiting colors dance before her.
A storm rolls in and she cries.
The raindrops and her tears blend together,
A stranger wouldn't be able to tell one from another.

Her pale face turns to the sky,
She screams, but only the woods around this vacant carnival hear her.
She is alone.
Not a soul in sight,
Other than the mosquitoes that feed from her warm moist skin.

She is angry, stricken with sadness,
She questions the higher power she feels around her.
"Why her?"
Tears flow faster, her hands begin to shake.

She falls to her knees,
Chin drops.
Hands and knees covered in mud,
She isn't phased.
She has always loved the Earth,
Dirt and all.

She picks up her muddy hands and wipes the tears away from her face,
As they continue to viciously fall.
The rain washes the mud, as it taints her pale skin.
She picks up her fists and pounds the muddy ground before her,
With rage,
Pure, fiery, rage.

What is life?
What is the purpose of all that we endure?
Why must others suffer?
And why must we suffer by watching them?
Why must we love?
Why must we care?
She screams to the Heavens "WHY HER?!"

She curls into a fetal position,
Grabbing her knees,
Now bruised, bloody, and muddy from the earth that was beneath them.
"I just want her back... I just want my mommy back..."
The little girl inside of her twenty-five year old body surfaces.
She is alone,
With nobody to hold her.

She imagines a time where she was carefree,
Where the sun was shining,
Where her mother could kiss away all of the maladies that life propelled her way...
But now,
Her mother is a shell of a human,
Lost in addiction.
Lost in a downward spiral.

Can this little girl balance adulthood with the pain of childhood?
"Please Lord, just make her healthy again..."
She sobs.
A dark figure comes up behind her,
It wraps what appears to be arms around her,
And holds her.
The rain slows down,
The clouds begin to part,
And this being just hold her as her sobs begin to soften.

It is a mystery,
She will never quite piece together.
The mystery of the dark carnival.

Addiction.

Something hard to swallow,
Something undeniable,
Something intangible.

Something that strikes fear,
Something that screams denial.
Something that lasts forever.

Something I've tasted,
Something she's experienced,
Something I feared would come back.

Something I know is in my blood,
Something I am cautiously not cautious about.
Something that I wish would stop.

Something I wish I could choke.
Something I wish I could kill.
Something I wish I could bury alive.

Something evil,
Something that appears blissful...
A Toxic Angel.
Addiction

Gibberish

Dipping in and out of rainbow colors,
Falling down a spiral monsoon.
Dripping wet in technicolored sin,
And singing drops of rain to the moon.

Let her fall into the depths of the Hell we call home,
Let her dance on fiery coals with pleasure.
Let her tiptoe through a field of poppies,
And hold her breath, as she goes under.

Skipping barefoot on the wet asphalt,
Chin to the dimming sky,
Her cares fade away.
She closes her eyes, and prays.

Where is the man on the moon when she needs him?
Where is her fairy godmother?
She swears in the night, they haunt, and she sees them,
But fairy tales were never her style.

Her skin is bare,
The reflection of rain drops amplify
The bronze tone of her pigment.

She scales the edge of a brick building,
Only looking to the sky,
Her fingers bleeding from grasping,
Her lungs collapsing from gasping.

Let her breathe in the colors
That no others can see,
She is climbing her way to the top,
Of all she can be.
Just let her inhale the sweetest aromas of sin.
Let pleasure and pain- evenly sink in.

Pain

Highs and lows overtook my soul.
This pit in my stomach grew stronger as I pulled her close.
I did not want to admit that this hurt,
Worse than most goodbyes we've shared.

I searched and dug for an answer as to 'why'
But all I could focus on was the warmth of her body against mine,
and the words that she whispered,
"I love you."

Depression swept over me for the nearly twenty four hours since our separation.
Her voice ringing through my phone eased the pain.

I couldn't really make out what would become of our future,
Of my future...
Of anything that awaits...
But then slowly I am reminded to live in the Now.

So I focus on my breathing,
To control the anxieties that have controlled me.

Slow Down

Much later than I would've liked to close my eyes,
Much more on my mind than I'd like to admit,
Much less time than I'd like to have-
But really what is time?
A figment of our imagination?
A comatosed sleep induced by over self medication?
A dream that is on repeat, with scenarios slightly changing?

We get so wrapped up in time.
It is such an incredibly complex thing.
How many hours in a day?
How many minutes does each task take?
But really, we are only making time fly by when we focus our energy on it.
We, as beings of this brightly lit, beautiful, and bountiful universe have the ability to slow time down.

So why don't we?
It is a practice that I've been trying to learn,
Eventually I'd like to master it.

By being mindful we can slow down time.
We can examine each moment...
Each second...
As it is presented to us.

We can use our senses to admire the aromas that surround us,
Intake the aesthetic pleasures that nature has birthed.
Let us use our tongues not as a weapon of rage,
But as a weapon of love and lust.
Let us taste our deepest desires,
Even those, that society forbids us.

Let us live for the experience.
Let us live for the moment.

Slow it down.
Take it in.
Feel each molecule that surrounds your skin.
Feel every inch of every breath that fills your lungs to their capacity.

Delve into the beauty of a timeless eternity with me.
Take my hand.
Say you will.

Dare to drink from the fountain of youth,
Dare to slow time down,
For slowing time down, means to step out of one's comfort zone.
Let's be each other's muses.
Let's paint a picture with the time we will gain,
Let our eyes paint with purples and greys,
Let our tongues paint with yellows and tangerine,
And let our passion paint with colors of Rose and Violet.

Just close your eyes,
Breathe slow and deep,
And dream walk to me.

Twenty Minutes

What to write,
I shall not see,
Shall not feel,
Shall not question.
Just letting words pour onto pages,
Staining them with truth,
Darker than a coffee stain on a fresh white button down.

Let it spill out.
Tonight,
I was reading,
The words of another.
Holding lined paper,
Bound by spiral wire.

Tenaciously drawn in,
I couldn't help but smile.
Words from a time where you were so wrapped in happiness,
A time that I didn't know you,
A time where it seemed like your soul sang.

But now,
You are lost.
I see glimpses of your happiness.
Those moments I grasp onto,
Hold onto, and will cherish for all eternity.

Why can't you see your worth?
Your truly, gorgeous, undying worth?
You are the sunrise in the morning,
You are the shadow of the clouds as they roll in for a summer storm.
The glistening of water on the pavement as the rain falls.

We have but one life to live,
So why not live it to the fullest?
Why not make mistakes so we can learn?
Why not try new things?
Why not jump...
And take the chance...
To see if we can fly?

A connection,
As our eyes met tonight.
You felt safe,
You let me read into your soul.
So why not breed your soul's desires and emerge from the shadows of the now?

Give back to yourself.
Honor yourself.
Your happiness should be eternally dancing in the rain,
With the warmest of smiles across your face.

My love for your is deep,
A starlit connection drives me so passionately towards your happiness,
That I cannot remain quiet,
And maybe that is one of my faults...
But why should I remain silent,
When a friendship built on love,
On Trust,
On Honesty
Is burning like a flame...
Let me be your rock,
Let me listen to the words that you whisper to the wind.

Share with me what you've held back,
Open yourself to a friendship, like none other.
You have come so close,
But I can sense that you are still so far...

The Morning After

The morning after
Is always the worst.
My body feels numb,
Tingling sensations continue to take over,
I am not sure it's done.
Anxiety.
I long to be held,
Wrapped so tightly in the arms of another that this feeling subsides.

Simple Relief

I just feel
Exhausted today.
Anxiety from another
Placed on my soul.

It has sucked the life out of me today.
But I hope my energy was healing,
As I was sending it your way.
In simple hopes,
That the anxiety I was feeling was yours,
and In hopes that my energy would take it from you.

First Thought Wrong

"Ugh, this rain"
Wrong.
"This rain is beautiful" I whisper as I turn my chin to the sky,
The rain is pouring hard, but feels gentle on my face.
My eyes are closed.
I lick my lips to taste what nature has given me to drink.
I smile.
The rain is sweet,
It fills my soul with joy.

As it continues, I start my day.
Grey skies, but I enjoy the sound of music being played by the downpour on my windshield.

"This traffic is horrendous"
Wrong.
"I hope somebody isn't hurt..." I send my thoughts and light to the victims of the accident that has had me sitting in the same spot for over an hour now...

I am safe,
I am healthy,
And I love the sound of rain that is keeping me company on this dark morning.

The roads are slick,
They reflect like a mirror,
Red lights surround me.
In park my car remains,
"Let them be OK" I whisper,
As I roll down my window,
And stick my arm out to feel this April rain.
So beautifully imperfect,
It falls.
My arm glistens,
As I listen.

Tangerine Dream

Sweet smoke fills my lungs.
The room around me dimly lit,
The aura of this small room is radiant.
This inspirations has been overwhelmingly beautiful this week.
Everything from the rain, to the sunrise, I am whole.
Tangerine aromas fill the space around me as I exhale.

One work complete,
Another (of many) in the works.

The words clutter my mind, in the most endearing way.
I feel love, and energizing movement in this space.
A soft melody plays in the background,
My mind speaks hastily in the foreground.

I lately have been hearing my thoughts,
In what feels like a slow motion of sound.
My thoughts gathered in a mason jar,
For me to examine, under the moonlight.

Have I been here before?
Is this what mindfulness feels like?
If so, I beg it to stay.

My white shirt fits loosely,
As black lace caresses my breasts.
Comfortable I am becoming in my physical being.
Something I've struggled with for years.

My mind is more clear, so my perception is blossoming.
Like a lotus under the verge of a Spring sunshine.
A heaviness fills my chest,
Acknowledging it , I move past it.
Simple sensations embodied in my soul.

Today, I am here.
No more than myself, no less than myself.
For, I am simply the Universe.

Remaining Open

My journey will begin after sundown,
On a Sunday.
Monday to a Wednesday my time will be free.
I will see and spend time with my mother,
And open my heart to the singing sun.

I fear my guess will be wrong,
That where my mind will lead me is
Not
Where
Anticipated.

But I will be open to the calls of the universe,
Of the sunrise and the sunset.

Remaining open ,
I shall.

The Now

I find myself playing over every scenario possible in my head.
Then I catch myself,
"You won't know until it happens. That's just how life is."
I always seem to be trying to control my life,
In every facet.
Moments later I am back in the same routine.

Acknowledging that I am doing this "control" thing
Is at least a step in the right direction.

I pick up a piece of Amethyst and rub it between my fingers,
Closing my eyes I focus on my breath,
Trying to bring myself out of the future,
And into The Now.

A Piece of Me Not Yet Discovered

I was driving in a car,
It was a suburban street, with trees canopying overhead.
The sun was shining, and I was listening to my thoughts.
I often found myself dangerously wrapped in thought while driving.

I looked to my left.
I felt an urge, a pulling towards this house.
I quickly pulled into the driveway, unsure of what would come next.

The shrubbery was overgrown,
But a beautiful deep green.
The grass was past my ankles, and I could barely see the stone walkway as I stepped out of my car.
A wooden sign was free standing, small, and gently blowing in the wind.

The paint was chipped, and the sign almost looked vintage.
"Open" it read, implying inside this house was a shop.
I ascended the stone steps, and gently turned the bronze, yet weathered knob.

Upon my entrance I was greeted by sights of a small boutique.
There were clothes with clever sayings,
And I felt the soul of a gypsy radiating from the shop and its merchandise.

I woman looked up from behind a cluttered counter.
She had thin, square glasses, and curly dark chocolate colored hair.
"Have you been here before?" She asked hastily, while focusing at the task at hand.

"No, I just felt compelled to stop in. I actually didn't even know this place existed... It's really..."
Before I finished my sentence she dropped what she was doing.
A huge, welcoming, grin graced her face.
She was beautiful.
She was not young, the lines edging her smile and her eyes told stories.
Stories of adventure, stories of lost love, stories of discovery.

She grabbed my shoulders and entered my soul through her gaze.
"Then you must come with me! Let me show you around!"
I couldn't oppose, and I felt intrigued.
Moving behind me, still keeping her hands on my shoulders she started to guide me to a set of narrow stairs.
Up we went.

The first room we went in was full of windows.
There were no curtains on the windows, sunlight was filling the room.
The worn, wooden, floors reflected the sunshine in a gorgeous way.
"Oh! It looks like the nosey, neighbor lady, finally shut her blinds!"
I was confused, and looked out the window.
There was a building next to the one we were in.
Close, but not too close. I could see a single window, blinds drawn.

She proceeded to tell me about the aged furniture that was in the room.
This furniture she was talking about as if they were antiques.
Each piece was labeled by year it was from, and owner.
The pieces weren't in good shape,
If anything they were falling apart.
All of the furniture had been owned by average people,
Some blankets were even that of a homeless man that had passed away.

She talked about each relic with pride and enthusiasm.
I began to think I had stumbled into a tucked away gem of an antique shop,
An odd one at that.
But I listened with care, and ease.

The next room she brought me in was full of more furniture,
No windows,
Just a single lamp.
Here, she told me that people could rent these rooms.
I then thought, "Bed and Breakfast?"

My nose led me to our final destination,
A kitchen.
Windows surrounded,
The ceiling was high,
The space was open, and modern.
It was warm with aromas that were more than inviting.

"Come smell this"
She took my hand and brought me to the stove,
A stew of sorts was bubbling.
She brought a spoonful up to my nose, and I inhaled with passion.
I smiled.
Not a word said.
Another woman, out of nowhere was behind me,
She grabbed my hips in a fit of lust, and started kissing my neck.
The curly haired beauty was still in front of me, her gaze still warm.
I felt safe,
Comfortable.
I let out a sigh of ecstasy,
"Oh Wow"

I woke up.
A dream.
Meaning that I need to start consciously focusing on parts of me that I have not yet uncovered.
A House with Many Rooms.

Kaleidoscopic Downpour

I am drenched in raindrops,
Each a different size, a different color, a different density.
I try to count them as they land on my skin, but lose track upwards of 333.
My eyes shut tightly as I turn my face to the dark, and angry sky.
She rages, but I find peace in her thunder.

The only sounds I hear are the pounding in my chest,
Mixed with the sounds of the pouring rain.
I am lost in its steady tempo,
A song I haven't heard yet.

Tilting my head back down, I open my eyes.
In front of me is a creek,
The raindrops dance on top of the water,
Merging into her body, and becoming part of her.
To my right there is a waterfall.

By now I can't differentiate the sounds of the rain and the roar of the falls.
The pounding in my chest grows louder and stronger.
My white shirt clung to my skin like paint.
My nipples peeking through.

My curly hair is drenched,
Dripping,
And I find myself closing my eyes and turning my sun kissed face back to the sky.

Slowly, I start to take my shirt off,
Throwing it on the ground, careless of the mud that now surrounds me.
I slip out of my skirt, and hang it on a nearby tree branch.

Before I know it my toes are at the water's edge,
And I am lost in the beauty of the moment.
To be here with you, would be breathtaking.

I wade into the water,
Warmer than I had anticipated, from the summer storm.
Inhaling deep, I hold my breath.
Submerged I become.
The sound of the rain and the song of the falls sound so different from under here.
It's much more quiet,
But equally as intriguing and peaceful.

I hold my breath until I feel faint.
Popping back to the surface, I gasp for air.
My lungs sting, but I smile.

I let the running water wash past my naked skin,
I feel fully encompassed and one with the universe in this moment.

Fast

Dance with me in sin,
Let the moonlight hit your freckled skin.
Let me get lost in your pale eyes,
My purest addiction,
My love's demise.

Creep with me into the night,
Our greatest fears are left behind.
Let's cherish this moment as our last,
Breathe me in,

Please end it fast.

Beautifully Torn

Dance with me in the moonlight,
Kiss me one last time.
Hold me in forever,
I fear the unknown loss,
How could one live with loss forever?

What is loss?
A torn connection never mended?
Like wings ripped from a butterfly.

I examine my hands,
The lines slowly becoming more defined,
Age is time that dances by.

I sing to strangers,
They feel my pain,
They feel my torn up soul...

I constantly wage this tug of war,
For fear of the unknown

She Was a Dreamer

She Sprinkled Stars in her Coffee,
and Sugar in her Sky.
Ate the Sweetest of the Clouds,
and Slept on Cherry Pie.

The Ocean ran through her veins,
as she Swam in a River made of Sweet Nothings

She was a Dreamer

Her Sunshine was a Lemon,
Placed gently in the Sky,
Her Moonlight was an Oyster's Pearl,
That seemed to Float on by.

She laughed with Hummingbirds,
And Danced with Morning Doves

She was a Dreamer

She befriended only Fairies,
That lived inside of Sunflowers,
Her laughter was painted Violet.
Her tears, were painted Gold.

Her words turned into Powdered Sugar,
And fell from her Lips like Snow.

She was a Dreamer.

Fireflies

The hours flew by,
I simply couldn't seem to catch them;
Though I chased them fiercely like fireflies in the night,
Like I was 9 again.

They slipped through my fingers,
Fluid,
Like water,
Like Love.

And here I am.
Time to close my eyes,
Time to welcome the night,
But my mind so wide awake...

Morning will approach sooner than I anticipate,
The sky will be a hue of pink and orange.
I will smile.
A routine I've missed, so picked back up.

My body sore from the activities of the night,
Of the weekend, truly.
My hands dry, from the work I've put in today.
Yet, a feeling of accomplishment washes over me.
I fear a test failed, twice
But I must persevere -
For life is about learning, and pushing on.

I miss summer nights,
Barefoot in the grass,
Chasing fireflies like tangible stars.
Grace bestowed upon me, for being innocent,
Love handed to me,
Taken out of what I thought was just supposed to be mine.

I remember her,
The girl that I used to be-
Wild and free,
Without a care in the world...
Part of her has died,
and part of her is lost at sea
But I am confident she will find her way back home,
She will someday be whole again.

She will chase the stars,
Keep them in a jar,
and set the fireflies free instead.

Spontaneous Soul Searching

Eyes and heart matching in weight,
Heavy,
Tired,
Questioning.

The last few nights were wonderful.
A young woman,
Surrounded by pure, radiant talent,
Pure, simple, positive energy.
She fed off of their light,
And they became a part of her.

She felt warmth,
Encompassed by the night.
Let inside,
Kindling flames.

She was now home,
Thinking about her life.
The many aspects of it.
No, one straight shot.
No, defined lines.
She craved structure,
But thrived off of free, flowing, spontaneity.

Her happiness subsided as she expolored the depths of her soul.
She examined each crevice,
Some of which excited her more than others.

She begged the universe for more energy,
More spark in her eyes,
More fire in her soul...
Like the fire she felt these past two days.
Like the fire she feels when being productive.
Like the fire that only one has been able to maintain.

But she felt empty,
Her soul, a cold desolate cave.

She would close her eyes and hope for a new beginning,
But she knew that she was the only one that could make it happen.