Slick Asphalt

The sky matches the asphalt,
Dark, and slick with rain.
This tiny town, surrounded by a large city,
Is calm.
The street is free of cars,
A single light is on in a neighbor's window.
Most people remain asleep.

I glance out my window and see the changing of a stop light from
Yellow to Red.
It warns with caution, and then a hault.

The universe is calling me,
To rise before the sun,
To sing a song into the wind,
To fall deeply in love with the start of this gloomy day.

I shall let myself follow this calling.

Colors

Vibrant,
I'm surrounded by warm, vibrant colors.
Mandarin, Macintosh, and Mauve
I can't help but see in spectrums,
Feel in colors...

I am dangerously engulfed in flames,
Indigos and Navy,
Drenched from head to toe in gasoline.
Inhaling the fumes,
Starting to see in colors.

Dancing,
My body is moving...
Moving in lavenders and fuchsia.
I am swirling, and skipping with gypsies of tomorrow.
My soul is free.
My people-

I am swimming in colors,
Letting them wash over me.
Feeling cleansed.

Golden Liquid

Gold liquid drips from my lips,
Poised I whisper to the wind.
She giggles as she carries my words through the forest and into the night.
Speckles of gold begin to fill the sky.
Constellations build around me.
I feel at peace.
I begin to center my being, by closing my eyes and allowing the beauty around me, consume me.

I become something so small,
So insignificant, that I am scattered.
I am scattered so gracefully,
Like pine needles on a snow dusted floor.

My soul is far from cold.
Warmth ignites in me.
The fire is small, but ever growing.
Many have tried to smother my burning desires,
But failed.
I am fueled by fate.
Oxygen of my own aura.
I will be my fueling force.

Grasping Memories

Memories,
Are such a beautiful lesson,
A treasure that we take with us from this life into the next.
Objects are tangible.
We can hold onto then, cherish them, or destory them.
Memories, however, and indestructible.
They are engraved in our being and into the universe.
We will relive them in our dreams and dance with them in our thoughts.

Memories,
Some are dark, others shine light,
But all are learning tools in this journey we call life.

So hold me dear,
The good times and the bad,
But focus on your personal joruney.
Our journies are all that we have.

I will always remember what has sculpted me,
Molded me ,
And gently taught me lessons... My memories are here to stay.

Eighty Nine Days

I feel a tug on my soul...

Something is pulling me in a direction 

So incredibly charged by curiosity,

The need to explore and discover.

To feel the mist of a South American waterfall on my face,

To glide under the warm water of an underground Mayan cave...

My soul would begin to be filled...

I yearn to walk The Great Wall,

To sit with Buddhist monks,

Dance with natives of a foreign land.

My heart is that of a gypsy,

Wandering the world and intently exploring the universe.

I want to walk barefoot on the warm sands of The Golden Coast.

I want to ski throughout the Nordic, snow capped mountains.

The rolling hillsides of Italy call my name.

A smell of a fresh crèpe teases me from Niece, France.

My journey starts in eighty nine days .

In eighty nine days, I become the Queen of my universe 

I've began a journey a few months back-

Self Discovery.

I've discovered crevices of my being

I'd never known I had.

...but I'm not nearly close to an end.

Life is a journey with no end 

We are on a loop- reliving lives;

To mend, discover and review.

Souls will continuously reunite,

Despite an individual pull away.

Destiny and fate exist, but

We decide the trail we take.

If not in the life, in the next.

We are on a continuum,

And I... Start my spiritual journey

In eighty nine days.

Carousel

Round and round,

We go- 

Spinning out of control,

As the conductor of rides, at this carnival 

Laughs with pride.

Making us dizzy,
Vision is blurry.
Trying to focus on each other's gaze.

We spin, and twirl, and lights drift by.
Up and down on these horses,
They seem to be perfectly carved,
But they also seem centuries flawed.

The music gets loud,
The breeze throws us off balance,
The creepiest carnival,
And we are forever trapped.

Eerie and spun.

Daydreaming Bliss

Sexual tension stirs through my body,
I dream of things I cannot have,
And crave the unknown desires of lovers past.
I dream of making intense love in the light of day,
While people pass by in awe, at the beauty it creates.

I lay here bare back,
And warm skin.
Longing to be touched...
Gently...
Sweetly...
Intensely...

I close my eyes.
I feel your fingertips exploring my body,
Through another dimension-
Something I had refrained from in the past.

I let all of my inhibitions break free.
But it was only just a simple dream.
I wake from my nap-
One that I had with my eyes wide open and my fingers running over a keyboard.
Daydreaming.
Of Bliss.

Impulse

Impulse.
I have found it to be my most beautiful and reliable friend.
A quarter of a century old,
Simply three months away.
To a foreign land I will travel.
Tickets already in hand.
Escaping the piercing snow,
And emerging into a warm, colorful, sunshine.

Impulse.
I've found her to be my most dangerous addiction,
My tainted realm of possibility
And consciousness.

All it takes is what I set my mind to.
A land far away,
Never been to before.
A Neverland, of wandering -
Exploring.
Underground caves will call my name, as tequila drenches my lips.

My impulse.

Recreating

As my fingers hold the slick, imperfections
I feel a greater power coursing through my veins.
My fingers begin to ache in the most beautiful way.
I grip onto the copper wire before me and twist it into shapes that come from words unexplained... Unspoken... Unattainable.
I use a tiny tool to manipulate it around the imperfect stone I grasp onto.
I get lost for an hour, which seems like seconds.

To create is to unleash such a powerful force.
Many facets call me to create.
I'm inspired by all that I encounter.
Beautiful, ugly, peaceful and aggravating.

I think back to a tiny apartment,
In an artsy distrcit of my past.
I remember feeling so welcomed,
In a family where otherwise I would've been shunned.
I was surrounded by beauty, peace, and creativity. The atmosphere was so pure.
A teardrop shaped stone was placed in my palm.
Soon to become a beautiful creation.
A gift.
Most meaningful.
I have since searched for it,
I had seen it in my not so distant past, and longed to wear it around my neck...
Breeding healing.
But it is lost in a box- a mixture of anonymous things.
The loss of it has inspired me to create...
In hopes that I will be drawn to finding it.
For it is all I have left, of that moment in my life.

Holidays

As the holidays approach I ponder.
Halloween, away.
Thanksgiving, away.
Christmas? Where will I end up?
Only the universe knows.

Motivation song.

Rising slowly,
On a bed of clouds.
Surrounded by the sunshine that is warming my bare feet.
Pain still stirs in my gut,
Today is a day where I face reality.
I believe in the power of spiritual healing and growth.

My hair is strung around,
Wild and preciously framing my naked face.
I prop myself up, as the morning and the world waken.

Although my day won't be filled with the children I see daily,
And the instruction I give,
I refuse to be anything but productive.
My soul thrives off of productivity.

I sing into the cold autumn breeze.
She carries my song,
To motivate another.

My Moon

Dear Moon,
As I gaze at your beauty,
I get lost in the moment. Time passes.
Your light is that of a reflection,
Your surface is cold, yet inviting.
Your craters speak of your past,
And the damage you've endured in this overwhelmingly beautiful universe.
I admire your strength.
Your strength to pull water from the Earth's crust.
You amaze me.
I can't help but wonder how far you truly are. Somehow, I know you'll always be there.
All I have to do is glance out my windowsill and bask in your illuminating presence.
I love you.
Truly couldn't live without knowing that you're there in the night.
I haven't whispered it enough into the galaxies... But trust me that it's true.
I am captivated by you, your love... Your gravity...
My moon.

Continuous Motion

Tonight I vow to myself growth.
I promise myself to pick myself up and dust myself off.
It is the very least I can do for my traveling soul.
I have been nauseous, I have been dizzy.
My world continuously spinning.
I almost wonder if it is the rotation of the earth I am feeling.
Is she letting me feel her continuous motion?

I will push through,
And enjoy this sickening ride that I am on.
I will read, I will write, I will Be.
For being is where I find the most peace.

Winter sets in.

Pain

Pain.
For four days now.
In the pit of my stomach.
What is to explain this? What is to come of this?
I fear that tonight is the night I'll be pushed over the edge.
Hospitalized...
Something is really wrong.
I keep making excuses.
I could use a little cloud of positive energy sent my way.

Pain.

Frequency

Do you ever notice the sound of high frequency ringing in the deepest moments of silence?
Is it frequencies I'm hearing?
Wavelengths?
The whispers from a mouth that speaks forbidden words?

I often wonder.

Shifted

This morning was very different from the many mornings that have recently passed.
I woke up peacefully, like any other, and within minutes my peace was disrupted
I swore I felt the earth shift beneathe my body that was still parallel with the equator.

Unsure of why my world shifted, I felt anxiety
Settling in,
Rapidly,
And it was only five thirty in the morning.

My soul has remained unsettled all day,
And my body has been restless.

I long to know where this disruption came from.
Simply so I could make peace with it, as I am trying to do in many aspects of my life.

Now I sit...
Nearly cold...
On a curb.
Begging for the sun to warm me.

Today.

Today,
Just be.
Today,
Just breathe.
Today,
Just radiate love.
Today,
Just embrace warmth from others.
Today,
Just listen to the universe.
Today,
Just whisper sweet nothings into the wind,
She travels far.
Today,
Just be thankful for memories,
Past, present, and future
Today,
Just believe.
Today,
Just inquire, be curious.
Today,
Just let silence consume you.
Today,
Just find the beauty in yourself.
Today,
Just love the beauty in others.
Today,
Just find your inner peace.
Today.

Seeking Darkness

So many synthetic lights surround me this morning.
I want to be left alone with the setting moon and the rising sun.
Why must the world we live in thrive on control?
Why not just let the natural be?

I try to find the darkest,
Most naturally lit place,
But I am lost in a sea of fluorescents.

Tonight will be a night that I explore
On my own,
Follow the stars,
And regain some peace.
It is so easy to lose control
When it's constantly passed from one hand to another
Back and forth
Hotter than ever.

The woods,
A forest,
A lake.
Surrounded by trees and maybe a man made building from over a century ago.
A castle.
I'll lay in the grass,
Under the stars,
And peer through the clouds...
Seeking my portal,
To my far away realm.
A place where fantasy thrives
And theives steal hearts.

Paralyzed by Dancing

My legs are tired.
I can't tell if it is from dancing in my dreams, or running in real life.
My gaze turns into a trance.

I am pulled in by a pocket watch,
Swinging in front of my face.
I watch it turn into a silver blur,
A flash of light .
I am unable to fix on it's numbers anymore,
For time is a mirage.

I listen to words from a distance,
Yearning to grasp them.
But now I am paralyzed.
Paralyzed from dancing too hard,
Loving too much,
And jumping in head first...
...in my dreams

Alternate Reality

This morning.
 As I walked along the sidewalk,
Before the sun had rose...
The sky was dark.
I was drawn to a glimmering light,
Tiny, but powerful...
Was it a star?
A satellite?
An angel?
A portal to another realm?
Another life?
My alternate reality?

Cotton Candy Skies

I sit here,
Car filling with man made heat;
And in front of me... A sky of cotton candy
The colors are changing every second, and I wish to float among the clouds.
Pinks fade to purples,
Deep purples to pale lilacs...
And in front of me, a burning orange quickly rises.
An appetizer for an inviting day to admire the sky.

The sky has always mesmerized me.
She is so beautiful, she seems so close...
So warm and inviting.
Her emotions are worn on her sleeve.
She is bright with joy, and dark with rage,
While shedding rainbows after a rough night.
She is so distant but seems so close,
She is so intangible, but appears to be in my grasp.
She engulfs my heart.

For this moment, and many more to come,
I am lost in her beauty.
Forever lost in her allure.

Hand Written: Feeding A Smothered Flame

Grateful

I am grateful to have lived another day.

Naked Spinning Sitting

Naked,
Spinning,
Sitting on my bathroom floor.
Drenched from head to toe,
In crystalline water droplets.
Steam fills the tiny room,
And my lungs.
Making it harder to breathe
Almost as hard as it was minutes ago,
Hot water running down my face,
As I held my breath.

Naked.
Spinning.
Sitting.

Pink Light

So as I sit here,
Reminiscing on just a few hours ago where I was woken by a soft whisper.
"The sun, she is rising... take a look"
My eyes slit open, looking around me for a face
But the room was dark, with a pink light shining through my tiny window.

I smiled knowing that the voice I heard was an Angel.
Stretching, I crawled towards the edge of my bed and laid on my stomach.
My body was bare, with the exception of purple lace hugging my hips.

The sky was painted with pink, orange, and wisps of blue.
I couldn't help but think that it was painted for me this morning,
Nobody else.

Selfish intentions seem to be a pattern in my fragile life.
Controlling the uncontrollable seems rash and impossible.

I roll back to my back and smirk.
I let this pink light surround me.
I focus on my breathing and my third eye.
Before I know it, I'm back into a deep slumber.

Soon to be peacefully -
Jolted
Awake
By
A Phone Call.

Church Bells

Rings cover my fingers, for some reason they fascinate me.
They hug each one tightly while I run my fingers swiftly over a keyboard.
Church bells ring and I wonder if it's just because it's Sunday, or if somebody is
Devoting their life to another.
Their eternity.
We all know how Americans work...
Divorce is the norm now.

In all honesty, I would be OK with never being married.
Sure, the party would be fun, the wedding would be beautiful... People would cry wih joy, some wih pain...
But really what is a marriage?

A vow to be somebody's never ending rock...
Why have so many people failed at it?
Why not just love in the moment?

I suppose only time will tell what the universe holds for me.
I'm in no rush... I have many lifetimes ahead of me.

Sunday Journey

I have so much life left to live.

As I wake for my day, 

I think.about how I used to map everything out.

What time I'd be where...

But now, I just follow what pulls me.

It's dangerously beautiful.

I feel a pull into the fall weather.

My window is open and I  hear cars zooming by, I hear the sounds of a hammer from a house being built...

And I hear peace, in my journey that awaits me on the other side of these walls.

Here's to my Sunday journey! 

Wherever she may lead me.

Open & Closed

Why is it that when the water pours from above me,
And scolds my bare skin,
That I enjoy the pain?

Do I seek pain because it feels so incredibly good? It is so beautiful.

As I stood there hours earlier, letting the scorching water drown me in my memories,
My eyes were closed.
I've been trying this thing lately.

Teleportation of the soul.
Odd, I know.
But I've been practicing.
The mind is stronger than the physical being.
Last night, I was so close...
I was in a different realm of consciousness.
It was so incredible, I felt like I was floating..

Like a little red balloon,
Floating wherever the wind took me.
I embrace the out of body experience.

So incredibly addicting.
Addiction.
Well... We meet again.
No denying it?
While all I do is deny it.

As the night shadows me,
I am now wishing I was back in my shower,
From this morning.
So mentally close.
Maybe tonight.

Teasing my menatlity.
Open & Closed.

Cold Fall Intentions

Why are we lost and confused,
Seemingly found and bruised?
I can't fathom the intended consequences...

I'm cold,
But what else is new?

I stare at my body,
Touching my delicate bones.
Swearing in a foreign language.

Two little faces peek through the door.
I let out a soft giggle, and they run in to greet me with silent hugs.

Simplicity , I've asked for it,
And here it is.

Empty Skies

Today I woke up with a sense of peace,
And a smidge of loss.
I looked into the dark sky.
The moon was starting to fall asleep,
And the sun was nowhere in sight.

I got out of bed and stretched ,
Barefoot, and still nude from last night, I tip-toed down my dark stairwell in need of Fall flavored coffee.

I looked down at my bare body,
Something I've struggled with a lifetime.
I swore today would be different.
But it wasn't.

I stepped into the steam of a hot shower,
And somehow knew the sun wouldn't shine today, but I was hopeful.

After my face was made, my hair was pulled back,
And my feet crammed into heels,
I went out on my roof, to dissolve in the sun...
She was still misisng from the dark morning sky.


But it is raining now,
The clouds fill the sky.
But somehow I feel the sunshine in each raindrop.

Drowning- A Song.

You took me in, You spit me out.
I wish I could've seen it how,
It really was,  For all I know,
You're faded, lost and gone, a ghost

And I'm just left

Drowning
In a sea of hope
Drowning
I can feel my throat
Drowning
Closing up,
Walls caving in.

My sweetest sin.

I sang to you sweet lullabies,
Of lovers past, and some denied.
I let you in, then spit you out
I wish somehow you'd see it now

And you're just left

Drowning
In a Sea of Pain
Drowning
When you scream my name
Drowning
Blood Stained Wrists
Cursing me, with your sweet kiss.

Empty Surprises

Surrounded by rolling hills,
On my journey in or out.
The sky is painted different each time,
Like a brand new canvas was placed overnight.
Colors of Blue, and pastel pink,
With textures of suede and silk.

I nearly forget the drive,
As I'm engulfed in nature's beauty.
So simple, never trying,
Just existing.

I'm excited by a breeze,
By rain drops on my face.
I love the tease of a summer storm,
And the taste of a winter snowfall.

I inhale the morning, like speed.
It courses through my veins like the sweetest heroin.
But pure my blood remains.

The high on the beauty that surrounds us
Is never dying,
Is only growing,
Is always changing.
How simply exciting.

I taste liquor on my lips from
A night passed.
Poison poised in my soul.
She is dressed in lace and leather.
Tempting, and ravenous.

She dances with me in the dew covered,
Fall grass.
Under the morning Fall moon.
And we sing to the sun as she wakes for her day.

Graciously,
Patiently,
Waiting her empty surprises.

Contradictory Noise

Exhausted in mind and body,
Yet motivated by mind and body.
How beautifully contradicting.

I seem to always live in contradictory dances, with emotions, mind, and soul.
I tip toe, then I run.
I slow dance, then I mosh.

Oh,
I'm just a silly girl-
Woman-
Caught in a fucked up world.
I'll admit...
I enjoy it.

Rise and Grind

My body screams "No!"
As my mind nearly agrees,
But I know that it's time for some
Strong coffee, and rock music to start my day.

I'll find peace in the screams of rock and roll.

Burn Out

Laying here,
I've felt it before.
Out of my body,
Out of the skin, I so desperately am tied to.

I star at dozens of orange bottles saved up from years, hospital visits, doctors visits.
Which combination will do the trick?

If anyone claims they are "normal"
I don't believe them.
We are all ill.
Fact.

My disease is binding others to my love,
To my grip of lust.
I adore them all,
They fall in deep.
I numb the pain.

Living in an alternate reality,
I inhale the lavendar mist that diffuses in my room.
Let the walls move,
They dance in the headlights of cars passing by.

A street light flickers...
I wish it would just burn out.

Spellbound

Mesmerized by all that I am,
All that you can be,
When you're with me.

Captivated by my light,
Engulfed in the sins that I plague your mind with

It's a dangerous tug of war,
Who will give in first?
Lust or love, crave some more.

You're spellbound,
And what for?

You search for explanations,
To your madness.
Sinking in, summer sadness-
Has gone again, and winter's near.
Cold grasps your lungs.
Sit tight my dear.

It's a dangerous tug of war,
Who will give in first?
Lust or love, crave some more.

You're spellbound,
And what for?

You sit and wonder,

You don't know me- 

But feel a pull,

You're walking towards a deadly sea,

Words they spill, like paint on canvas.

Passion burning, from our ashes.

It's a dangerous tug of war,
Who will give in first?
Lust or love, crave some more.

You're spellbound,
And what for? 

 

Five In The Morning

Five in the morning,
And I'm woken by the chill of the autmn breeze, rushing through my window
And over my bare skin.

Although, shocking,
I smile.
Eyes still closed, I then hear a sound of bells chiming,
And cats meows.

It's time to start my day.
This week will be successful.
I will complete it,
Unlike the last three.

I pull the covers up to my chin and take in the last bit of heat, before I expose my skin
To the crisp, cold - that now fills my apartment.

I take three deep breaths,
And on the exhale, I whisper three things I am grateful for.
The only way to start a day.

Stretching,
I slowly get out of bed, and tiptoe down my stairs.
The aroma of coffee and warmth will soon fill my kitchen.
The day has officially began.

Be All That I Can

Lace hugs my hips and my ass.
My perked up breasts show themselves at attention
Through a thin layer of cotton.
It is October, and cold.
My body hides under two comforters, still,
While my mind races.

I close my eyes and inhale,
My lungs fill with cold air.
They are shocked, but refreshed.
I exhale, they relax.

Each individual finger feels a cool breeze brush by
its bare skin, as I type to start my day.

I feel warmth in my future,
Understanding of my past.
Today is a day for writing,
Editing.
One step closer to my dream.
I'll be all that I can.

A Lifelong Friend

Mesmerized by her dark eyes,
Her huge smile.
Her eyes pierce my soul, as she unconsciously spills the demons of her past.
It sit, and listen- my eyes engulf her soul.
Confused as to why she feels as if she can tell me her story,
She finds comfort in my eyes.
They all do.

A connection sparks,
I realize this woman, is meant to be
A Lifelong Friend.
She needs me.
I will be there.

My veins fill with poison of the night,
Reminiscing of the sounds that filled my head.
So beautifully tainted.

A woman, but a girl,
In need of love and understanding.
I shall provide in my ways,
I shall give an open ear, and open arms.
Time will allow busy paths to cross again.
I will be patient.