End

Heart races,
Pulse intense.
Goodnight.

Awareness

It seems so clear to me that this life is not the end.
This "life" is simply a stepping stone in my greater life.
I glimpse in the universe that I am continuously creating,
And will continue to create.

There is no such thing as death,
Only moving onto the next phase in our lives,
Our next step in building a greater universe.

I feel warmth between my toes,
Coolness above my lips,
A fire in my soul.

All things that keep me aware.
To be aware is to awaken.
To see.
To be.

Craving Change

Craving it,
But fearing it.
Longing it,
And loving it.
Anxiety sets in,
Again, here I am.
Change.

Ghost

Ghost,
My Ghost,
You've been close, as I can feel you,
But far as I can't see you.
I often dance with you in my dreams,
And stray from you in my nightmares.
Insomnia has set in for a week now.
I search and search for answers,
But I am wrong in doing so.
Questions and answers are only infinite.
Circling around,
And never truly solved.
I am always led back to you.
My beautiful, curious, Ghost.

Peace & Fear

Sometimes the unknown strikes fear,
But how would we know peace without fear?
Fear makes us stronger,
Helps us learn,
Makes our sight clear, in hindsight.

Deep in our souls,
If we search hard enough,
We can uncover our fears,
Embrace the reality of the universe,
And be at peace.

Peace and Fear are sisters,
Separated , but share an unbreakable bond.

It's a tango we learn to dance,
On our toes,
Spinning,
And dipping.

Delerious

Delerious,
I saw her standing,
Long hair,
Light eyes.

Delerious,
I was struck.
Lost and hanging.
Lips so tempting,
Touch of sin.

Delerious,
I got lost,
In love's vines,
Of beauty and torture.

Old Fashioned Phone

An old fashioned phone,

Black, standing tall.

Shining beside the candlelight.

Calling for me to play the tones of it's dial,

Round and round,

As each number hits.

My soul jumps back, to a different century,

Blonde hair, pressed curls to my head.

Delicate fingers, turn the dial,

Heart races,

Stopping at number five.

Hanging up.

Laying by a fireplace,

Defeated,

Yet in bliss.

Inviting

There's something inviting ,
When you ask how I like it.
Roses drop petals,
As winter sets in.

There's something inviting,
When you bite my lip,
Frost freezes the ground,
That we once made our bed.

There's something inviting
about your deadly silence,
Or maybe it's mine,
The deafness seems to blend.

There's something inviting,
About words spilled on pages,
Ink stained hands,
And lips blood red.

A Brief Haunting

Do my words seem to haunt you?
Well that's OK...

Inhale deeply,
Embrace the afraid.
Light a match,
watch the flame swallow it.

Just like the universe swallows our fear.

Haunting you so beautifully,
Kiss the moon,
And catch the stars.

Eyes Open Yet Again

Eyes open,
Yet a vision lingers.
Like the taste of your lips after you swig some whiskey from a
Red solo cup.

It's blurry,
Like your judgment once the poison enters your
Bloodstream.

It's beautiful.
Like the way that you dance,
When you've had too much.

I see a trainwreck.
So wretchedly gorgeous, and inviting.
I refuse to blink for fear of missing the
Best part.

I wait.
Like I do for you to come home,
On a cold winter night.

Eyes open.
Yet a vision lingers.
Like the taste of your lips when you kiss me goodbye,
Yet again.

Fantasy

Tell me,
You're deepest,
Darkest,
Fantasies.

My lips stained red,
I mark your pale skin.
You want it rough,
I make you beg.

Some girl on girl,
You like my ways.
So let me spread,
Your shaking legs.

I'm dressed in lace,
And you're in leather.
I bite your lip...
I make you quiver.

My Eyes

My eyes.
Emeralds in the dark night sky,
A light to your soul.

I listen with my eyes
Your words spill out.
Overflowing, as if we've known each other for lifetimes.
Loose lips, begging hips.

I touch you with my eyes.
You lips move faster,
Your face is flushed.
I make you blush,
By talking with my eyes.

Not a single word said,
My lips stay sealed.
My eyes smile,
You fall in love.
Confused at the spell I've cast.
Frustrated you become.

You push me against a wall,
Binding my hands over my head.
Biting my neck,
And demanding I beg.
So, I beg with my eyes,
To let you believe, you're in control...

But darling,
Look into my eyes,
I've captured you're soul.

Tango

To have an open mind,
Is to have an open soul.
An open heart.

I'm a gypsy,
Traveling barefoot, on long, rocky roads.
But you pull me in.
My feet grow sore, and my muscles ache,
But you are my sin.

I long to float on the wings of the wind.
You pull me close,
I pull you in.

A tug of war, with this muscle in my chest,
And this fucked up thing in my head.
I search for my zen.

Conquered it becomes,
For a day, a week, a month...
But then I fall weak.
You pull me in,
Chew me up.
Spit me out.
But babe, I love the sick way we tango.

Dreaming

My dreams are speaking more and more to me as I awaken my soul.
I often wonder if they are simply just dreams,
Or if there is a deeper meaning in each.
I've skimmed through pages, read articles, listened to the stars,
And I simply cannot deny the meanings I'm encountering.
Change seems to be a reoccurring theme.
Desire for the unknown,
Adventure,
Self discovery.
All reality.
There's no denying.

When you dream you jump into another reality.
A different realm.
Something you otherwise, in this life,
Would pass up as a façade...
But dreams are simply another dimension.
Another space in time.
When we are consciously awake,
We might really be dreaming from another reality our souls live in.

Food for thought.

Favorite Page

Page 214
 Aleph
-Paulo Coelho

The Fifth Woman

The more I read
The more I immerse myself into this "Fiction"
The more I realize this is a story of my life.
A story of my soul.
A story of my meeting you,
And the true story of our past lives, our future lives and our present lives.

You are my fifth woman,
You are my Halil,
I am the wanderer on the railway across Russia.

We've met and experienced the Aleph,
My vision is so clear.

More clear than the crystal waters of a Russian lake,
More clear than the splintered glass you played with as a mere girl...
In the woods,
Calling to the spirits of the past and the future.
I have done you wrong.
I will make it right.

In this lifetime.

Stripped and Naked

Stripped.
Naked and exposed.
Tonight I feel as if my world has crashed down around me.
Like a rug was pulled swiftly from under my feet.

I have been soul searching,
On a journey...
The most beautiful, exciting and tantalizing journey,
And tonight I fell.
I fell so hard that my vision turned black,
That my head began to spin,
And words flew out of my mouth like daggers.
Pure evil, radiated from my being.

Disappointed in myself,
In my journey,
In the universe- even though she has only loved me and guided me.
I feel defeated.
I need to go on a retreat.
I need to regain my balance,
And find steady ground once again.

I stand in a white room,
Bright lights surround my delicate body. Bones pierce through my skin.
I am naked.
I am alone.
I only hear a voice in my head and I can't tell if I'm crazy, if I'm insane, if its my soul, or a soul from afar.

I want to wake from this nightmare.
I want to regain my peace.
I want to find the Aleph
Again.
I want to be,
The purest version of my soul.
Time to regain control.

Smoke

I watch smoke rise into the fire burning sky.
Trains warn with their horns,
Factories are winding down from overnight shifts,
And polution fills this place we call Earth.

The smoke turns from off white to pinks to accent the morning sky.
It dissipates into the atmosphere and I am intrigued.
The past week I've been so fascinated with smoke.
How it is created, changes shape, and disappears into the cool, fall, sky.

I can't help but relate it to my newfound fascination with reincarnation.
I am now sure of it.
I am discovering my past lives, my present life, and my future lives.
I'm decoding souls I've met and connect with.
There is no denying the ultimate connection I've felt while trapped in the Aleph.

A door that has opened for me,
Widely.
I return to thinking of the smoke...
I wish to float and change with her.

I shall.
My soul will evolve.

Coffee Mug

As I rose with the sun,
She seemed early,
But in reality she as perfectly
Fashionably late.

She reminded me to rise with gratitude,
Start my day with joy,
Surround myself with warmth, light and peace.
Serenity would soon be in my coffee mug.

Painted Faces

Painted Faces,
Dark night- screaming children.
Cold,
Frigid.

Awakening my senses,
Allowing the moon to wash her dim light over me.
Awarding my being with peace and joy.

Traveling makes me feel whole,
Complete.
The hustle and bustle
Such a rush,
My adrenaline passes through my veins,
Making me high on life
And the journey that surrounds me.

A lake is painted in front of me,
Clouds cover the sun,
Making the reflection like an oil painting.
Beautifully brushed as I walk to the edge of the pier.
I am tempted to submerge myself in the ice cold abyss

Snapping back to the night,
The painted faces,
The facade.

Slick Asphalt

The sky matches the asphalt,
Dark, and slick with rain.
This tiny town, surrounded by a large city,
Is calm.
The street is free of cars,
A single light is on in a neighbor's window.
Most people remain asleep.

I glance out my window and see the changing of a stop light from
Yellow to Red.
It warns with caution, and then a hault.

The universe is calling me,
To rise before the sun,
To sing a song into the wind,
To fall deeply in love with the start of this gloomy day.

I shall let myself follow this calling.

Colors

Vibrant,
I'm surrounded by warm, vibrant colors.
Mandarin, Macintosh, and Mauve
I can't help but see in spectrums,
Feel in colors...

I am dangerously engulfed in flames,
Indigos and Navy,
Drenched from head to toe in gasoline.
Inhaling the fumes,
Starting to see in colors.

Dancing,
My body is moving...
Moving in lavenders and fuchsia.
I am swirling, and skipping with gypsies of tomorrow.
My soul is free.
My people-

I am swimming in colors,
Letting them wash over me.
Feeling cleansed.

Golden Liquid

Gold liquid drips from my lips,
Poised I whisper to the wind.
She giggles as she carries my words through the forest and into the night.
Speckles of gold begin to fill the sky.
Constellations build around me.
I feel at peace.
I begin to center my being, by closing my eyes and allowing the beauty around me, consume me.

I become something so small,
So insignificant, that I am scattered.
I am scattered so gracefully,
Like pine needles on a snow dusted floor.

My soul is far from cold.
Warmth ignites in me.
The fire is small, but ever growing.
Many have tried to smother my burning desires,
But failed.
I am fueled by fate.
Oxygen of my own aura.
I will be my fueling force.

Grasping Memories

Memories,
Are such a beautiful lesson,
A treasure that we take with us from this life into the next.
Objects are tangible.
We can hold onto then, cherish them, or destory them.
Memories, however, and indestructible.
They are engraved in our being and into the universe.
We will relive them in our dreams and dance with them in our thoughts.

Memories,
Some are dark, others shine light,
But all are learning tools in this journey we call life.

So hold me dear,
The good times and the bad,
But focus on your personal joruney.
Our journies are all that we have.

I will always remember what has sculpted me,
Molded me ,
And gently taught me lessons... My memories are here to stay.

Eighty Nine Days

I feel a tug on my soul...

Something is pulling me in a direction 

So incredibly charged by curiosity,

The need to explore and discover.

To feel the mist of a South American waterfall on my face,

To glide under the warm water of an underground Mayan cave...

My soul would begin to be filled...

I yearn to walk The Great Wall,

To sit with Buddhist monks,

Dance with natives of a foreign land.

My heart is that of a gypsy,

Wandering the world and intently exploring the universe.

I want to walk barefoot on the warm sands of The Golden Coast.

I want to ski throughout the Nordic, snow capped mountains.

The rolling hillsides of Italy call my name.

A smell of a fresh crèpe teases me from Niece, France.

My journey starts in eighty nine days .

In eighty nine days, I become the Queen of my universe 

I've began a journey a few months back-

Self Discovery.

I've discovered crevices of my being

I'd never known I had.

...but I'm not nearly close to an end.

Life is a journey with no end 

We are on a loop- reliving lives;

To mend, discover and review.

Souls will continuously reunite,

Despite an individual pull away.

Destiny and fate exist, but

We decide the trail we take.

If not in the life, in the next.

We are on a continuum,

And I... Start my spiritual journey

In eighty nine days.

Carousel

Round and round,

We go- 

Spinning out of control,

As the conductor of rides, at this carnival 

Laughs with pride.

Making us dizzy,
Vision is blurry.
Trying to focus on each other's gaze.

We spin, and twirl, and lights drift by.
Up and down on these horses,
They seem to be perfectly carved,
But they also seem centuries flawed.

The music gets loud,
The breeze throws us off balance,
The creepiest carnival,
And we are forever trapped.

Eerie and spun.

Daydreaming Bliss

Sexual tension stirs through my body,
I dream of things I cannot have,
And crave the unknown desires of lovers past.
I dream of making intense love in the light of day,
While people pass by in awe, at the beauty it creates.

I lay here bare back,
And warm skin.
Longing to be touched...
Gently...
Sweetly...
Intensely...

I close my eyes.
I feel your fingertips exploring my body,
Through another dimension-
Something I had refrained from in the past.

I let all of my inhibitions break free.
But it was only just a simple dream.
I wake from my nap-
One that I had with my eyes wide open and my fingers running over a keyboard.
Daydreaming.
Of Bliss.

Impulse

Impulse.
I have found it to be my most beautiful and reliable friend.
A quarter of a century old,
Simply three months away.
To a foreign land I will travel.
Tickets already in hand.
Escaping the piercing snow,
And emerging into a warm, colorful, sunshine.

Impulse.
I've found her to be my most dangerous addiction,
My tainted realm of possibility
And consciousness.

All it takes is what I set my mind to.
A land far away,
Never been to before.
A Neverland, of wandering -
Exploring.
Underground caves will call my name, as tequila drenches my lips.

My impulse.

Recreating

As my fingers hold the slick, imperfections
I feel a greater power coursing through my veins.
My fingers begin to ache in the most beautiful way.
I grip onto the copper wire before me and twist it into shapes that come from words unexplained... Unspoken... Unattainable.
I use a tiny tool to manipulate it around the imperfect stone I grasp onto.
I get lost for an hour, which seems like seconds.

To create is to unleash such a powerful force.
Many facets call me to create.
I'm inspired by all that I encounter.
Beautiful, ugly, peaceful and aggravating.

I think back to a tiny apartment,
In an artsy distrcit of my past.
I remember feeling so welcomed,
In a family where otherwise I would've been shunned.
I was surrounded by beauty, peace, and creativity. The atmosphere was so pure.
A teardrop shaped stone was placed in my palm.
Soon to become a beautiful creation.
A gift.
Most meaningful.
I have since searched for it,
I had seen it in my not so distant past, and longed to wear it around my neck...
Breeding healing.
But it is lost in a box- a mixture of anonymous things.
The loss of it has inspired me to create...
In hopes that I will be drawn to finding it.
For it is all I have left, of that moment in my life.

Holidays

As the holidays approach I ponder.
Halloween, away.
Thanksgiving, away.
Christmas? Where will I end up?
Only the universe knows.

Motivation song.

Rising slowly,
On a bed of clouds.
Surrounded by the sunshine that is warming my bare feet.
Pain still stirs in my gut,
Today is a day where I face reality.
I believe in the power of spiritual healing and growth.

My hair is strung around,
Wild and preciously framing my naked face.
I prop myself up, as the morning and the world waken.

Although my day won't be filled with the children I see daily,
And the instruction I give,
I refuse to be anything but productive.
My soul thrives off of productivity.

I sing into the cold autumn breeze.
She carries my song,
To motivate another.

My Moon

Dear Moon,
As I gaze at your beauty,
I get lost in the moment. Time passes.
Your light is that of a reflection,
Your surface is cold, yet inviting.
Your craters speak of your past,
And the damage you've endured in this overwhelmingly beautiful universe.
I admire your strength.
Your strength to pull water from the Earth's crust.
You amaze me.
I can't help but wonder how far you truly are. Somehow, I know you'll always be there.
All I have to do is glance out my windowsill and bask in your illuminating presence.
I love you.
Truly couldn't live without knowing that you're there in the night.
I haven't whispered it enough into the galaxies... But trust me that it's true.
I am captivated by you, your love... Your gravity...
My moon.

Continuous Motion

Tonight I vow to myself growth.
I promise myself to pick myself up and dust myself off.
It is the very least I can do for my traveling soul.
I have been nauseous, I have been dizzy.
My world continuously spinning.
I almost wonder if it is the rotation of the earth I am feeling.
Is she letting me feel her continuous motion?

I will push through,
And enjoy this sickening ride that I am on.
I will read, I will write, I will Be.
For being is where I find the most peace.

Winter sets in.

Pain

Pain.
For four days now.
In the pit of my stomach.
What is to explain this? What is to come of this?
I fear that tonight is the night I'll be pushed over the edge.
Hospitalized...
Something is really wrong.
I keep making excuses.
I could use a little cloud of positive energy sent my way.

Pain.

Frequency

Do you ever notice the sound of high frequency ringing in the deepest moments of silence?
Is it frequencies I'm hearing?
Wavelengths?
The whispers from a mouth that speaks forbidden words?

I often wonder.

Shifted

This morning was very different from the many mornings that have recently passed.
I woke up peacefully, like any other, and within minutes my peace was disrupted
I swore I felt the earth shift beneathe my body that was still parallel with the equator.

Unsure of why my world shifted, I felt anxiety
Settling in,
Rapidly,
And it was only five thirty in the morning.

My soul has remained unsettled all day,
And my body has been restless.

I long to know where this disruption came from.
Simply so I could make peace with it, as I am trying to do in many aspects of my life.

Now I sit...
Nearly cold...
On a curb.
Begging for the sun to warm me.

Today.

Today,
Just be.
Today,
Just breathe.
Today,
Just radiate love.
Today,
Just embrace warmth from others.
Today,
Just listen to the universe.
Today,
Just whisper sweet nothings into the wind,
She travels far.
Today,
Just be thankful for memories,
Past, present, and future
Today,
Just believe.
Today,
Just inquire, be curious.
Today,
Just let silence consume you.
Today,
Just find the beauty in yourself.
Today,
Just love the beauty in others.
Today,
Just find your inner peace.
Today.

Seeking Darkness

So many synthetic lights surround me this morning.
I want to be left alone with the setting moon and the rising sun.
Why must the world we live in thrive on control?
Why not just let the natural be?

I try to find the darkest,
Most naturally lit place,
But I am lost in a sea of fluorescents.

Tonight will be a night that I explore
On my own,
Follow the stars,
And regain some peace.
It is so easy to lose control
When it's constantly passed from one hand to another
Back and forth
Hotter than ever.

The woods,
A forest,
A lake.
Surrounded by trees and maybe a man made building from over a century ago.
A castle.
I'll lay in the grass,
Under the stars,
And peer through the clouds...
Seeking my portal,
To my far away realm.
A place where fantasy thrives
And theives steal hearts.

Paralyzed by Dancing

My legs are tired.
I can't tell if it is from dancing in my dreams, or running in real life.
My gaze turns into a trance.

I am pulled in by a pocket watch,
Swinging in front of my face.
I watch it turn into a silver blur,
A flash of light .
I am unable to fix on it's numbers anymore,
For time is a mirage.

I listen to words from a distance,
Yearning to grasp them.
But now I am paralyzed.
Paralyzed from dancing too hard,
Loving too much,
And jumping in head first...
...in my dreams

Alternate Reality

This morning.
 As I walked along the sidewalk,
Before the sun had rose...
The sky was dark.
I was drawn to a glimmering light,
Tiny, but powerful...
Was it a star?
A satellite?
An angel?
A portal to another realm?
Another life?
My alternate reality?

Cotton Candy Skies

I sit here,
Car filling with man made heat;
And in front of me... A sky of cotton candy
The colors are changing every second, and I wish to float among the clouds.
Pinks fade to purples,
Deep purples to pale lilacs...
And in front of me, a burning orange quickly rises.
An appetizer for an inviting day to admire the sky.

The sky has always mesmerized me.
She is so beautiful, she seems so close...
So warm and inviting.
Her emotions are worn on her sleeve.
She is bright with joy, and dark with rage,
While shedding rainbows after a rough night.
She is so distant but seems so close,
She is so intangible, but appears to be in my grasp.
She engulfs my heart.

For this moment, and many more to come,
I am lost in her beauty.
Forever lost in her allure.

Hand Written: Feeding A Smothered Flame

Grateful

I am grateful to have lived another day.

Naked Spinning Sitting

Naked,
Spinning,
Sitting on my bathroom floor.
Drenched from head to toe,
In crystalline water droplets.
Steam fills the tiny room,
And my lungs.
Making it harder to breathe
Almost as hard as it was minutes ago,
Hot water running down my face,
As I held my breath.

Naked.
Spinning.
Sitting.

Pink Light

So as I sit here,
Reminiscing on just a few hours ago where I was woken by a soft whisper.
"The sun, she is rising... take a look"
My eyes slit open, looking around me for a face
But the room was dark, with a pink light shining through my tiny window.

I smiled knowing that the voice I heard was an Angel.
Stretching, I crawled towards the edge of my bed and laid on my stomach.
My body was bare, with the exception of purple lace hugging my hips.

The sky was painted with pink, orange, and wisps of blue.
I couldn't help but think that it was painted for me this morning,
Nobody else.

Selfish intentions seem to be a pattern in my fragile life.
Controlling the uncontrollable seems rash and impossible.

I roll back to my back and smirk.
I let this pink light surround me.
I focus on my breathing and my third eye.
Before I know it, I'm back into a deep slumber.

Soon to be peacefully -
Jolted
Awake
By
A Phone Call.

Church Bells

Rings cover my fingers, for some reason they fascinate me.
They hug each one tightly while I run my fingers swiftly over a keyboard.
Church bells ring and I wonder if it's just because it's Sunday, or if somebody is
Devoting their life to another.
Their eternity.
We all know how Americans work...
Divorce is the norm now.

In all honesty, I would be OK with never being married.
Sure, the party would be fun, the wedding would be beautiful... People would cry wih joy, some wih pain...
But really what is a marriage?

A vow to be somebody's never ending rock...
Why have so many people failed at it?
Why not just love in the moment?

I suppose only time will tell what the universe holds for me.
I'm in no rush... I have many lifetimes ahead of me.

Sunday Journey

I have so much life left to live.

As I wake for my day, 

I think.about how I used to map everything out.

What time I'd be where...

But now, I just follow what pulls me.

It's dangerously beautiful.

I feel a pull into the fall weather.

My window is open and I  hear cars zooming by, I hear the sounds of a hammer from a house being built...

And I hear peace, in my journey that awaits me on the other side of these walls.

Here's to my Sunday journey! 

Wherever she may lead me.

Open & Closed

Why is it that when the water pours from above me,
And scolds my bare skin,
That I enjoy the pain?

Do I seek pain because it feels so incredibly good? It is so beautiful.

As I stood there hours earlier, letting the scorching water drown me in my memories,
My eyes were closed.
I've been trying this thing lately.

Teleportation of the soul.
Odd, I know.
But I've been practicing.
The mind is stronger than the physical being.
Last night, I was so close...
I was in a different realm of consciousness.
It was so incredible, I felt like I was floating..

Like a little red balloon,
Floating wherever the wind took me.
I embrace the out of body experience.

So incredibly addicting.
Addiction.
Well... We meet again.
No denying it?
While all I do is deny it.

As the night shadows me,
I am now wishing I was back in my shower,
From this morning.
So mentally close.
Maybe tonight.

Teasing my menatlity.
Open & Closed.

Cold Fall Intentions

Why are we lost and confused,
Seemingly found and bruised?
I can't fathom the intended consequences...

I'm cold,
But what else is new?

I stare at my body,
Touching my delicate bones.
Swearing in a foreign language.

Two little faces peek through the door.
I let out a soft giggle, and they run in to greet me with silent hugs.

Simplicity , I've asked for it,
And here it is.

Empty Skies

Today I woke up with a sense of peace,
And a smidge of loss.
I looked into the dark sky.
The moon was starting to fall asleep,
And the sun was nowhere in sight.

I got out of bed and stretched ,
Barefoot, and still nude from last night, I tip-toed down my dark stairwell in need of Fall flavored coffee.

I looked down at my bare body,
Something I've struggled with a lifetime.
I swore today would be different.
But it wasn't.

I stepped into the steam of a hot shower,
And somehow knew the sun wouldn't shine today, but I was hopeful.

After my face was made, my hair was pulled back,
And my feet crammed into heels,
I went out on my roof, to dissolve in the sun...
She was still misisng from the dark morning sky.


But it is raining now,
The clouds fill the sky.
But somehow I feel the sunshine in each raindrop.

Drowning- A Song.

You took me in, You spit me out.
I wish I could've seen it how,
It really was,  For all I know,
You're faded, lost and gone, a ghost

And I'm just left

Drowning
In a sea of hope
Drowning
I can feel my throat
Drowning
Closing up,
Walls caving in.

My sweetest sin.

I sang to you sweet lullabies,
Of lovers past, and some denied.
I let you in, then spit you out
I wish somehow you'd see it now

And you're just left

Drowning
In a Sea of Pain
Drowning
When you scream my name
Drowning
Blood Stained Wrists
Cursing me, with your sweet kiss.

Empty Surprises

Surrounded by rolling hills,
On my journey in or out.
The sky is painted different each time,
Like a brand new canvas was placed overnight.
Colors of Blue, and pastel pink,
With textures of suede and silk.

I nearly forget the drive,
As I'm engulfed in nature's beauty.
So simple, never trying,
Just existing.

I'm excited by a breeze,
By rain drops on my face.
I love the tease of a summer storm,
And the taste of a winter snowfall.

I inhale the morning, like speed.
It courses through my veins like the sweetest heroin.
But pure my blood remains.

The high on the beauty that surrounds us
Is never dying,
Is only growing,
Is always changing.
How simply exciting.

I taste liquor on my lips from
A night passed.
Poison poised in my soul.
She is dressed in lace and leather.
Tempting, and ravenous.

She dances with me in the dew covered,
Fall grass.
Under the morning Fall moon.
And we sing to the sun as she wakes for her day.

Graciously,
Patiently,
Waiting her empty surprises.

Contradictory Noise

Exhausted in mind and body,
Yet motivated by mind and body.
How beautifully contradicting.

I seem to always live in contradictory dances, with emotions, mind, and soul.
I tip toe, then I run.
I slow dance, then I mosh.

Oh,
I'm just a silly girl-
Woman-
Caught in a fucked up world.
I'll admit...
I enjoy it.

Rise and Grind

My body screams "No!"
As my mind nearly agrees,
But I know that it's time for some
Strong coffee, and rock music to start my day.

I'll find peace in the screams of rock and roll.

Burn Out

Laying here,
I've felt it before.
Out of my body,
Out of the skin, I so desperately am tied to.

I star at dozens of orange bottles saved up from years, hospital visits, doctors visits.
Which combination will do the trick?

If anyone claims they are "normal"
I don't believe them.
We are all ill.
Fact.

My disease is binding others to my love,
To my grip of lust.
I adore them all,
They fall in deep.
I numb the pain.

Living in an alternate reality,
I inhale the lavendar mist that diffuses in my room.
Let the walls move,
They dance in the headlights of cars passing by.

A street light flickers...
I wish it would just burn out.

Spellbound

Mesmerized by all that I am,
All that you can be,
When you're with me.

Captivated by my light,
Engulfed in the sins that I plague your mind with

It's a dangerous tug of war,
Who will give in first?
Lust or love, crave some more.

You're spellbound,
And what for?

You search for explanations,
To your madness.
Sinking in, summer sadness-
Has gone again, and winter's near.
Cold grasps your lungs.
Sit tight my dear.

It's a dangerous tug of war,
Who will give in first?
Lust or love, crave some more.

You're spellbound,
And what for?

You sit and wonder,

You don't know me- 

But feel a pull,

You're walking towards a deadly sea,

Words they spill, like paint on canvas.

Passion burning, from our ashes.

It's a dangerous tug of war,
Who will give in first?
Lust or love, crave some more.

You're spellbound,
And what for? 

 

Five In The Morning

Five in the morning,
And I'm woken by the chill of the autmn breeze, rushing through my window
And over my bare skin.

Although, shocking,
I smile.
Eyes still closed, I then hear a sound of bells chiming,
And cats meows.

It's time to start my day.
This week will be successful.
I will complete it,
Unlike the last three.

I pull the covers up to my chin and take in the last bit of heat, before I expose my skin
To the crisp, cold - that now fills my apartment.

I take three deep breaths,
And on the exhale, I whisper three things I am grateful for.
The only way to start a day.

Stretching,
I slowly get out of bed, and tiptoe down my stairs.
The aroma of coffee and warmth will soon fill my kitchen.
The day has officially began.

Be All That I Can

Lace hugs my hips and my ass.
My perked up breasts show themselves at attention
Through a thin layer of cotton.
It is October, and cold.
My body hides under two comforters, still,
While my mind races.

I close my eyes and inhale,
My lungs fill with cold air.
They are shocked, but refreshed.
I exhale, they relax.

Each individual finger feels a cool breeze brush by
its bare skin, as I type to start my day.

I feel warmth in my future,
Understanding of my past.
Today is a day for writing,
Editing.
One step closer to my dream.
I'll be all that I can.

A Lifelong Friend

Mesmerized by her dark eyes,
Her huge smile.
Her eyes pierce my soul, as she unconsciously spills the demons of her past.
It sit, and listen- my eyes engulf her soul.
Confused as to why she feels as if she can tell me her story,
She finds comfort in my eyes.
They all do.

A connection sparks,
I realize this woman, is meant to be
A Lifelong Friend.
She needs me.
I will be there.

My veins fill with poison of the night,
Reminiscing of the sounds that filled my head.
So beautifully tainted.

A woman, but a girl,
In need of love and understanding.
I shall provide in my ways,
I shall give an open ear, and open arms.
Time will allow busy paths to cross again.
I will be patient.

Round & Round

So I stare at the empty bottle in my medicine cabinet,
Questioning if I need more or not.
I've felt clear minded for a month or two now,
And have seen beauty in all lately.
Is it the drugs,
Or my realm of consciousness?

I dream of reality before it happens,
But when you ask me of my future I claim I do not know.
You scare me, but you love me-
Which makes it hard to show,
The real, true me.

I've distanced for fear of hurting you,
Letting you down, more than I have.
For fear of losing myself in you,
You should probably know that.

I drown myself in euphoria,
And inhale its heavy air.
Suffocating in my shadows,
But getting lost in my light.

Life is never fair.
But when the time is right,
There is no doubt in my mind.
That peace will be found, love will be bound,
The world doesn't stop,
She continues to go 'round.

Begging

So pull the bottle from your lips,
I know it can be hard.
Trust me.
First hand, I know it can be hard.

Your lips stained red,
To match your eyes
From drying tears, of yesterday.
I love you anyway.

Trust me in what I say,
I know it might be hard.
I'm young, and learning
But have experienced so much,
In this short, fragile, and fickle life.

I see you getting better,
Although miles tear apart.
Spare me your sob stories,
I've heard them all.
Just let me love you for who you are.

I see myself in you,
But somehow backwards,
It's as if we swapped places.
Somewhere lost in time,
Our souls jumped bodies.

I was meant to be strong,
I'm trying my best.
I swear.
So love me no matter what.

I beg this of you.
Like you've begged it of me .

Let's never give up on each other.
I'm begging...
Please.

Imagine Simplicity

Sometimes silence is golden
And distance breeds love.

Imagine for a moment if we all took five minutes from our day to just Be.
Be in our simplist form.

The world would be still,
Yet turning.
A beautiful sight, it would be.

The fall breeze would whisper as she spoke,
The sun's rays would kiss us in her lust.
It would Be Incredible.


Imagine if we didn't hang on to our pasts,
Didn't focus on our future,
And just live in the moment.
Life would be simple.
I'm learning this simplicity.

Moon's Shine

The clouds parted as I laid on my roof
Shorts and a hoodie,
Goosebumps forming on my bare legs.
A breeze swept up under my Hoodie and graced my breasts.

I looked into the sky, and the moon was nearly in full shadow,
A red hue blanketed her.

I heard laughter from below,
And smelled the aroma of marijuana from the teens watching the eclipse on the sidewalk beneath me.

I smirked.
I was alone, but surrounded by the universe
I felt loved and cared for in this moment.
The universe has showed me nothing but love and compassion.

Although the sky was dark,
It would soon be illuminated in beautiful form.
I couldn't explain the tingling feeling that took over my physical being.
I felt connected.
For hours.

To the Moon.
And her beauty and love.

I Will Wait

I'll wait until the last second,
To see what she brings-
The clouds cover the sight I yearn to see.

Roughly thirty eight minutes and the moon should be
bleeding red, closer than ever,
Giving a show to those that love her.

The clouds skew my view.
I will wait.

I will wait patiently,
As I do now in life-
No longer searching for answers,
but knowing they'll find me.

I close my eyes, my toes are cold from the fall weather.
I love the chills she gives me.

The sound of the night is still,
I beg the universe to let me see the Moon tonight.
I want to dance in her glory, her rouge light.

I don't want to have to wait eighteen years
They say, in eighteen years she will reappear in her form.
But if I must,
Then patience I will instill.
Because I love the moon,
and I know eventually she will reveal herself.


She will wear a little red dress,
and we will fall in love.
I will wait.

If I have to.

Foggy Enlightenment

Why is society so hellbent,
On marriages and babies-
On retirement, when we all die
Eventually?

To live in peace, love,
And Joy
Is all I can hope for...
...pray for


I have been finding reason
In my confusion,
Clarity in a realm of fog.

I'm OK,
I always have been,
I always will be.
We all are. We all are light,
We all have strength, and love, and willpower.

I can't mull over never ending
Questions,
I refuse to get stuck in a circle,
They have no end.

But then again maybe...
No end is what Eternity is.
What it means to be,
Enlightened

To truly understand.

Who are we?

I often find solace,
Peace,
In my sacred place.

Secret,
Yet in the eyes of the
Judgemental Public.

Who are you to judge me?
My fair skin, my radiant, purple hair.

Who are you to judge me?
Because I'm thin,
And appear to not care.

Who are you to judge me,
For being in love,
For loving life,
For loving the universe?

Who are you to judge me?

I write, and I read,
That's how I define myself.
Words, sung or bleeding on blank pages.


Who are you to judge me for
My words of truth?
My aching heart?
My caring soul?

Who are you to judge me for the faults
I've flaunted,
While so neatly sweeping them under a dusty old rug?

Who are you to judge me for the places I go?
The people I meet?
The things I see?

These are my eyes.
My soul.
My heart.

Who are you to judge me?

Who am I to judge you?
From a surface level?
From hear-say and from what I've seen
through my tainted eyes?
Who am I to judge you?
Your story?
Your lies?

Who are we to judge?
We should just love.
Let the universe subside.

Wish You Well

I'm eager for the night,
For the tequila to drown my past and tomorrows.
A lesson learned, is what they are.
Never a regret,

But drowning them,
It lets me watch them gasp for sweet, pure, air.

Why are you here?
Doesn't the universe call your name?
Doesn't it pull you towards sweet serenity?

I close my eyes and whisper positive energies into the universe...
For you.
I really do wish you well.

A little Sara Bareilles

https://youtu.be/Pw4VVC5K9Yw

Dozing

As I lay her,
Phone actually on,
Normally not.

Silence surrounds me

I think, "Why?"
"Was that you?"
"What was the purpose?"

As I doze off into a deep sleep.
Only a few hours.

Late Night Drive

Last night I sat with her,
Staring into her dark, somber eyes.
"When is love not enough?" She asked.
I sat silent, my heart softened.
She was sincere but thought that her question was the answer.

"When is sacrificing your happiness enough? When is your sanity enough? Do you want to live your life... What is left of it, like this? You deserve to be happy. The happiest you can be, and this is not your potential."

She sat there quiet at first, "You're right."

"Let's go."
"Where?" She inquired.
"Anywhere." I whispered.

So that's exactly what we did.
She tried to justify, to make excuses, to reassure herself- but she wasn't fooling me.

I want to see her happy.
The way she is when she is Herself. Her True Self

I want her to chase the sunrise and sunset without second guessing. I want her to chase her dreams without feeling guilty. I want her to see the world, without feeling held back. She deserves the universe and more.

"What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?" I questioned
Her response negative.
"And the last thing you think of before you go to sleep?" I pressed
Negative.

I sat there with her as the cool fall breeze swept through the car.
I explained how she should be positive like I know she is. How she should surround herself with positive people.

I want her to be Her.

Be you.

Love YOURSELF.

Vraiment

I'm enamored by this journey,
Things seem clear today,
Yesterday they were vibrant after a rough start...

Where will it lead me?

Hopefully to the Truth.

Day One

It takes twenty one days to break a habit,
To break an addiction,
To break the crave of poison running through your veins.

You're going to feel worse before you feel better.
The shakes, tears, vomiting.

It takes twenty one days to mend a soul,
To strip the heart from beautiful addiction.
To not question happiness,
To learn eternal bliss.

A journey starts today, Day One.
Will I be able to overcome the most beautiful addiction yet?
Everybody has their vice.
I'm addicted to self destruction.

I might feel empty at first,
Lost, confused.
Battered, bruised...

But twenty one days isn't that long.
An Eternity, with an end.
Silence seals my broken ends.

Words flow, ink to paper.
Let it begin.

Neon Lights

Neon lights surround me,
Bass fills my bones. Lost in the music,
Peaceful as I sweat out the energies from today.
I bounce, twist, and lock to the beat.
It feels so good to fall into the trance of the techno and dubstep wavelengths.

I'll sweat until I drop,
Letting each crystal drop, slide down my moving body.
Nearly bare.

Shadowed Angel

Angel in the night,
Creeping behind the pale, moonlight.
Casting shadows on the ground-
Your silent screams,
Resound their sound.

What have I seen?
Tales of fickle beings.
Morning doves rest and sleep.
While your beauty and the night encompass me.

Shadows in the pale moonlight,
Fiery eyes, lurk in the night.

Shadows cast by reality,
Project a skewed image.
 Perception becomes confusing.
The truth becomes lost,
In our shadows.
And our shadows in the night,
Become our false reality.

Fifty Six Minutes

Here I am.
Laying in my bed,
Consumed by darkness.

Street lights creep in my tiny window, and cast shadows on my walls.
Two fans going to produce a symphony of white noise to help me sleep.

I've been asleep for four hours now,
But here I lay,
Wide awake.
In pain, but calm.

I self medicate,
Because let's be honest...
We live in America.
Land of the "brave" and prescription drugs.

My eyes are tired,
My body aches.
I let the ashes of yesterday dust me under the glow of the moon.

I feel my bare skin warming the cool bedsheet underneath my body.

Fifty Six minutes until I start my day.
Fifty six minutes of restlessness or deep sleep?
I'll let my body decide.

Just Going

Time stops,
I'm frozen in the warmth of a hot autumn sun.
Barefoot and laying my clothed body in the cool grass,
Wishing I was naked.

I sit here and think about my past life,
My future life,
I'd like to think they exist, for one life is too short.

A short breeze tricks me into thinking it'll stay,
It whispers "A journey is ahead."

I think of how far I can go,
How far I will push myself,
How lost my gypsy soul will allow me to get.

I smirk at the idea of just getting in my car, on a plane, or a train and just
Going.

I whisper to the cloudless, blue sky
"Let my sickness sink in"
For the past few weeks I'm sick of my skin.

Vulnerable I lay,
In a cemetery, in the company of the dead.
They dance around me,
I listen.

The wind picks up, and my time is nearly impossible to find and keep.
Slipping through my fingers.

I melt under the sun's enticing rays,
And let the universe consume me.

I might find myself at a castle today,
A fortress,
My place.

OK

Shaken,
Like vodka with ice.
I'm cold, and shaken.

Alone,
For twenty four days.
Roughly.

I bask in the sun,
Bittersweet.

I inhale the Earth's intentions.
I whisper to myself , "It's going to be OK"
I try to convince myself that darkness isn't sneaking up on me,
In the light of day.

The sky is clear,
It's a warm fall day.

It'll be OK.

Red Light

Stopped at a red light,
I glance over.
There is a field.
Open and welcoming
A forest behind it.

Fog blankets the ground, sheltering it from the creeping cold.
I smirk.
I long to dance in the fog,
Barefoot, as the sun rises.

I dream of feeling the dew on my bare skin,
The wet grass between my toes,
The kiss of the sun as she wakes up the world.

The light turns green.

Death of the Night

Staring off into the distance of the cotton candy sunrise,
Trying to make out the shadows of clouds and mountains.
They mesh together like dye on pure, white, cotton.

I smile as the sun creeps up on the morning. She has a mischevious way about her.
She lures the moon to it's death ,
A surrender and sacrifice so beautiful.

The sky fades from indigo to a pastel blue.
The change is inspiring.
Change that happens each day, but never mirrored by the day before.

Fairytales crowd my mind.
A gyspsy soul burning for flight and exploration.
I've seen so much, but so little.

The planning starts now.
Where will I end up?
Only the universe can guide me.

Paralyzed Dance

I close my eyes and hear a song in the distance,
Melodies and harmonies trigger memories
Leaving me,
Mesmerized.

A trance like state overcomes me,
I close my eyes.
Dressed in white lace, my feet begin to dance to a rhythm unknown.

I see a figure on the other side of the room,
She's dressed in black lace.
She tries to lure me by her movement,
But I'm paralyzed by her beauty.

Desolate Rain

Empty.
Emptiness fills the room with a breeze coming off the warm summer rain.
Surely this is the last kiss of summer.

Cooling the earth as she sweats,
From a night of passion and fear.
"There's nothing to be afraid of" whispers an angel to a confused child.
"Life is nothing more than a journey we are supposed to enjoy!"

I close my eyes and listen to the Angel comfort the confused,
The desolate.

"Take my hand" she assures the child that there's nothing to fear,
She should step outside in the storm.

They dance in the rain, under thunder
With only the glimmer of each lightning bolt. They are gypsies of the universe,
Born free.
Born wild.

The emptiness melts away.
And she realizes it's OK
To
Dance
In
The
Rain.

Seduction Persued.

It's not that I think there's a soul caring,
Eyes glancing,
A heart yearning.

It's that I believe in hope,
Peace,
And happiness
For all.

For us.
For you.
For me.

To desire an unattainable measure,
Is purely human nature.
Seduced by ideas, we fall weak,
Until we persue the Seduction ourselves.

Arms Reach

Sitting in the sun
Under her warmth,
Exuding her pressure and force.

I am paralyzed.
Her beauty surrounds me,
Her rays engulf me,
Her presence makes me joyous.

I sit and allow her to,
Freeze me,
For but a moment in time.

I whisper into the wind,
"Where are you?"
Arms reach, but so far.

I ask myself,
"How far is the moon?"
Would I really go there?
I just might .

Break The Silence

"What does silence mean to you?"
She asked, with a warm heart and open mind.
"Fear, loss, words left unsaid... Emotions unbread"

"Then why focus on the silence?"
I sat, pondered.

I would soon make noise, break the silence, see the world and wish upon stars. I would fly like a bird, through the clouds.
I would land in the arms of the universe.
I would sing and scream in joy.

I would
Break. The. Silence.

Whisping in the Wind

Can you hear me in the night?
Wide awake we lay.
The words escape my blood stained lips,
To find another way...
To tell you what you mean to me,
And why I've gone astray.
But words are merely whispers whisped up by the wind's forté.

Echo

Singing into an empty space,
How beautiful the echo is.
Closing my eyes, as I get the shakes,
The bones speak for themselves,
"Here I am again."

The internal struggle, let it begin:
"Why am I here?"
"You're stronger than this."
"No, you're not."

I let the echo of my lonely song consume me.
Indulgence in the finer things,
In sin and skin, of lust and lovers.
In dreams.

Where will the echo take me this time?
Will I follow her voice down the rabbit hole? Will I engulf myself in my demons?

I've been here before,
Too many times.
I've come to the emptiness.
Echo.

Blue Jay

It's amazing what a week in the woods will do for your soul.
I'm surrounded by many, but truly alone on this journey.
Surrounded by hundreds, maybe thousands of trees.
Critters, scurry and stop as they pass me.
They can tell I'm truly a gentle soul, a light soul.
Words surround me, but all I hear is the chirping of a Blue Jay outside of my window.
So many young women looking up to me, but I'm not sure of the role model I am.
I've loved, I've lost... I've been hurt, and done hurting.

At night the crickets chirp,
A white owl pirches herself on the top of my cabin.
She is beautiful.

She sings me to sleep.
It's the small things

Learning to Love

Eyes  sore from soul searching,
But I know of peace, and where it can be found.

I see it,
Almost through an alternate universe.
Glass houses.

Reading into my emotions,
Trying to let the universe engulf me.
Breathe.

Right now,
I am willing to learn,
So being a student I become.

To learn,
To love.

Moving Wheels

City lights, rushing by.
In the darkness of the night,
I let her beauty consume me,
I've lost me,
She knew me.

Feeling the hours rush by me,
Twilight zone.
Flooded with uncertainty,
But somehow I know
That where I am is where I'm supposed to be at that very moment,

Although I long for something more:
Drops of sweat beaded on my skin,
From a night of passion and sin.
Peaceful sleep, first in years,
Feeling right, and lacking all my devious fears.

But there I was
Sitting stiff.
Stuck inside on moving wheels
Breathing,
Counting stars as fast as I can.
Miracles.

Raindrops

Rain,
Raindrops gently falling on my face.
Smiling as I then turn my face to the sky, and throw my hands in the air.
Peace,
I found it in this moment, short and brief.

Humidity filled my lungs,
Engulfed in all I've been and done.
The rain, made me
Whole.

A realm I've missed, but knew existed.
Peace in nature, Mother Earth.

I needed it.

Sea Sick

And here we are again,
Caught in a realm of thick and thin.
Two, but one...
Separate, but somehow intertwined.

We're lost at sea again,
The compass,  our oldest friend.
But stars guide us more than we want,
As we are drawn in by their beauty and light.

My dear we're lost at sea.
Surrounded by darkness,
Created by light.

Guided by a compass,
Following the stars.

I've lost my mind again,
More losing than I win.
I can't explain these waves,
It's all a whirling wind.

I'm out of breath from running,
So resting where I stand.

I let the waves engulf me,
Fighting within my soul.
But physically I'm drained, at best.
I'm learning to be Whole.

The waves they make me nauseous, for all I want is light.
The night consumes my olive skin,
Still putting up a fight.

My Daughter

I woke up, tears of joy.
Closing my eyes, to relive her beautiful face.
My daughter.

I was in my mid-late thirties,
Back to my blonde hair, in a summer dress.
I was looking for something.
I had toyed with the idea of adoption my whole life, and I figured I'd see what was out there.
I couldn't pick a child, a child had to pick me.

I arrived at an orphanage.
The head of the house was showing me babies and toddlers,
All adorable,
But none were "my child"

I saw a little girl sitting in a corner, quietly playing with a doll.
She was beautiful, she seems at peace.
Her locks of red hair fell around her face, the curls were perfect ringlets .
Her eyes were piercing blue, and she was kissed with freckles on her cheeks.
She was about 7 or 8.

I slowly walked over, as the woman proceeded to talk about the younger children.
"Are you waiting for new parents?"
I asked politely as I knelt down next to her.
Her eyes fixated on the doll, she replied,
"Just a mommy would be nice,"
I smiled,
"What about two mommies?"
She looked up at me with excitement, her eyes lit up like the Summer sky,
"Even better!"

My heart melted,
I woke up,
Tears of joy running down my face,
Nervous for the responsibility, anxious to meet her someday.
I truly think I just met my future daughter.

8/16/2015 roughly 8am

Universe Love.

...and as the night sets in,
And the Sun, sets,
I look back on today and ponder:
"What was accomplished?"
"What could I learn?"
"What will tomorrow bring?"

I finish up my daily tasks: dishes, dying my hair,
Most importantly Meditating.
I feel blessed in all of this universe that surrounds me,
I feel blessed in all of the love that I've encountered in my short life.
I feel blessed by all of those that have shown me compassion and guidance.
I am truly Blessed.

I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death,
and the only thing I fear is The Universe.
She guides me through my struggles, brings me light in times of darkness.
She has held me, encompassed me,
Embraced me- Flaws and all.

Pain.

Pounding,
Lights,
Sounds,
Engulf me

Pain,
Throbbing,
Silence,
Darkness,
Embrace me.

What is this pain,
Resounding in my head,
Making my body ache,
Ill, but curable? They say.

Perfect timing
Inexplicable,
Deranged.
I'm in pain.

Breathtaking.

"Breathtaking"

breath·tak·ing

ˈbreTHˌtākiNG/

adjective

1. astonishing or awe-inspiring in quality, so as to take one's breath away.

"To take one's breath away"

What an odd thing to want.

What an odd and off adjective. 

We use this for beauty, for magnificent things

Things that leave us in awe...

...something spectacular.

Reality-

Reality is that if one's breath was taken, one would be left dead.

Lifeless...

Breathless.

So why do we chase breathtaking?

Do we chase the end? I believe we do.

We are our own demise. 

Last night I journied,

Alone- fearless.

Inhaling summer's gentle breath.

I was taking breaths from her... breathtaking.

When you whisper words into the wind,

They are carried, 

Maybe lost,

Maybe delivered.

Maybe the message danced in the air for years before reaching the recipient.

But the wind takes your breath, 

Your words,

and either handles with care or mangles.

Breathtaking.

When I whisper at night, 

To the moon and the stars, 

I exhale my words, and thoughts for the day.

Maybe brought into the realm of galaxies,

Maybe stolen by the wind,

Either way my breath is taken from my lips,

With my words,

With my thoughts, and carried...

Where they reach I do not know,

All I know is that fear is no longer a word that exists.

Death could be closer 

And we can't resist.

For devils and angels may receive our breath once she strikes.

Breathtaking.

Where it's taken we don't know.

Whom it's given?

Secrets held by the universe.

All I know is that my breath was taken.

Coffee, Mosquitoes, and Star Gazing.

Crickets are chirping,
Car wheels squealing,
People honking.

Neighbors fighting,
Cicadas chatting,
My mind racing.

It's weird you know,
All of these little noises, majority of people tune out.
They become white noise, in the chaos of our lives.

Coffee, darker than usual,
I wanted it rough.
Stars illuminating the suburban sky.
The city so close, I can almost see lights.

A sleepless night ahead,
A midnight walk?
I shouldn't.
I wouldn't.
I will.

Mosquitoes feeding on my bronzed skin as I write,
I let them.
All of God's creatures need to feed,
Right?

There is a breeze, it is similar
To a time years ago,
Where I was under the stars, and certainly not alone.

I lay on this rooftop,
Close my eyes, let my Chakras align.
...Or try.

Wishing the ocean was a tad closer,
I'd drive to the beach...
Lay in the sand,
Meet with seagulls, and crabs
...Shake nature's hand.

She's beautiful,
She gives.
She is warm in her touch.
She breeds life, and inahles death.
Mother Earth.

So what am I writing?
Or why do I think,
That others care dearly what's raging inside of me?

I make friends with mosquitoes
While drinking coffee , near black.
While gazing at stars...
...and searching.

The man on the moon,
Venus or Mars.
Meeting, but one,
Would be breathtaking.

Flat

She wore a polka dot dress,
Hair always a mess,
Six inch heels,
Red lipstick smeared.
She didn't fear death,
Loved dancing, and sex.
She'd climb mountains just to inhale the sweet summer's breath.


The leaves soon would change,
Her life rearranged, she'd still love the smell of old firewood smoke.

Lavender filled her lungs, sunflowers filled her home.
She walks in the dark, smirk at the stars, and the planets aligned.

She was weird, odd, and quirky,
No shame in that.
She didn't make sense,
Like an old Spanish map.
She was FLAT.

TipToe Star gazing

Chocolate covered strawberries,
Dimly lit lights,
Jacuzzi tub and lingerie,
A perfect night.

Earlier, some gambling, some Riesling and some Italian Cuisine .
Laughing at times, quiet at others.
The silence screamed
In my head .

It's now one in the morning,
She is fast asleep,
We are surrounded by mirrors, clothes, and reminents of the night.
It has been two whole hours,
I toss and turn.

Contemplating taking a walk to the casino,
But not sure if I'd return,
I lock myself in the suite.

Who am I running from?
Who am I running to?
Why am I hiding from reality skewed perceptions?

The night is young, for me atleast...
Maybe the stars will do me some justice...
*Click*
I unlock the door,
Dressed in leather and lace,
Loose curls grace my face...
I tiptoe out.

Manic Spending

I sat there,
Manic spending lately,
Not really expecting much out of it.
She told me to get comfortable, her eyes were dark, and piercing.
I adjusted my statute, and slowly inhaled, closed my eyes, "...Ok... I'm ready."
Her words dance lightly at first as I opened my soul, she dug deeper and deeper.
"You haven't been yourself lately, you're depressed, you're anxious..."
"You're distant"
" Somebody is being malicious"
"C"
This person is trying to hurt you, to curse you, is jealous.
"Was she recently part of a cult? Or something similar?"
Heart sunk.
"She is powerful, and jealous, and angry... Vengeful"
"She presents herself in light, peace, and love, but it is a façade."
"Has she asked to meet with you soon? I feel like she asked to see you in the near future...don't go."
Confused.
Bitter.
Frustrated.
True? False? Just another lousy psychic?
"Don't go. You need to heal."

"S... You saved each other, but you don't know it yet."

"W" your soulmate. Distant right now because of negative energy being sent your way, but meant to be.

"Anxiety..depression..."
"You need to start meditating again"
Just another manic spending trip .

All I See Is White

"Take these pills," they said.
"They'll make you happy," they said.
"The pain will disappear, and the skies will become clear."

Ingesting to accept, to embrace, it seems to mask, to take sanity's place.
I just want to wander into the night, let the darkness consume me,
Dance with my demons.

I want to skip, and spin under the moonlit sky, under Mars, and make Venus jealous.
I wanna run, until my legs collapse.

I was stricken with confusion once again, and why?
Why can't love be simple? Why can't life be eternal? Why can't experiences be open?

They can be.
But we choose to think too hard before acting, for fear or being punished,
Fear of repercussions.

But in reality, is what makes us happy in the moment worth it in the long run?
Will we look back on our death beds and wish we did something different?
I don't want to live my life like that.
I want to be regret free.
Honestly, I am at the moment- but will I continue to be?

I look for answers at the bottom of this bottle...
Pop
Pop
Pop

But all I see is White.

Wonder.

Sometimes I just close my eyes and wonder
I hold my own hand
Play with my own hair
Smell my own skin and imagine...
I focus on my breathing, trying to channel a foreign being.
Are we one at this moment?
I can only imagine, only wonder.
Have we ever been channeling at the same moment? Through the lifetimes, the dimensions?
Who were we to each other in a past life? Who will we be in a future one?

I'm afraid to find out now, but curious.

Inhaling my anxieties I am often torn,
Often distraught,
Often left to
Wonder.

Perfect But Scarred

She was the prettiest Hell I've ever been in,
I didn't mind burning at all.

She was Heaven sent, and fell far.
She was flawed, but flawless,
Perfectly scarred.

She was Hell on Earth,
But made in light of God.

She made me dance in sin,
But feel blessed and anointed.

She would be innocent, but evil.
She was breathtaking, but life-giving.

She made you feel alive and dead all at once.
She was unexplainably perfect.
She was my dreams and my nightmares...
My angels and my demons

She was loving,
But resentful.

She was perfect.
But Scarred.

Swayed Sleep

Tossing and turning and restlessness,
Connected at best.
Between the hours of one and six in the morning,
Strictly tossing and turning!

My mind it seems to travel,
So my body wants to walk...
She wants to dance, and twirl with passion-
But somehow she seems stuck.

It's dark outside and the only thing that lights the sky is the moon and stars.
She stares into the distance, on her roof,
I wonder where you are.

I want to dance and talk to you,
I know you're near but far...

Come dance with me, under the moon
Unlikely place to meet.

I can only think we're both awake,
And sway each other's sleep.

Shadow

Who are you, Shadow, lurking in my light
Dancing in the wind, dreaming in my night.
Who are you, Shadow?
Creeping in my soul, awakening the unknown, drenched in lust & love alone.
Where are you Shadow?
It seems you've disappeared,
As I have to you,
Year after year.
Where are you Shadow?
Do you hold me in my sleep, hug me when I weep... Sing to me in glee?
How are you Shadow?
Familiar, yet detached.
I see what appears to be in sight, but something surely lacks.
Emotion is hard to read, my friend, as all I see is black...
But you're surely cast by light and Me,
So please stay for a brief, moonlit, dance...
It takes the sun, her strong, warm, light
And my naked body here,
To entangle in the light of day, and disapate with fear.
She casts on me, and I see you, in more than one way,
We are one.
A reflection of my image, in a parallel world today

Escape - If Only.

I close my eyes and think of you,
Your pale skin,
Your green eyes,
Your warm embrace-
But I am alone in my bed.

I close my eyes and think of you,
let my fingers explore my body,
While you are at the forefront of my mind.

I'll escape for a bit,
Or try.
My best is all I can promise,
In my dreams, and in my mind.

What if only for one night we were under the stars,
On  a hill top,
Taking in the glorious lights of the city,
While our breathing drowns out its sounds.

You're with me.

Bored & Blessed

As the colored sparkles graced the night sky, all I could think was
"How boring"
How boring it was, how I felt no patriotism...
How I was simply bored.
This trip to my past, has been simply boring.
What am I looking for?
What am I seeking?
It's not here in my "home town"
It is in the air, while I fly,
In the ocean while I swim,
In the sun while I bask.

I imagine simplicity and joy,
While I live in complex limbo.

Bored with my past.
How had it been fun prior to who I am now?
I look back and wonder.

I'm here, and the most joy came from the waterfall I stood at the feet of today.
Nature soothes me.
Blessed

Bored.

Morning Dove

Let's play a game,
Let's call it Queen of Hearts
The last one standing, should be two
And full of lovers' art.
You voice is singing through the night,
Your whispers travel far,
My meditating mind, and heart, have found
a stolen dove.
She's pure and sweet, and travels far,
Soaring in the sky.
Her wings they take her here and there,
and no one wonders why.
She dances with the wispy wind,
She sings, drenched in morning dew.
Her home is in the sky, and clouds,
Her love is within you.

Let lovers' lust and fairy dust,
Grace your weary eyes.
For reality is what we make of it,
and fragile laced in lies.

So dance with me my Morning Dove,
You're pure, as winter's snow.
You soul is distant, but close somehow,
Still nobody fathoms our woas.

Gypsy Spirit

Pick a destination
Any one at that
A gyspy at heart
A spirit soul,
Unattached to places,
Free to flow.
Travel with me from across the globe, to a point that we both know,
My love is strong, though head held low,
Let's dance in rain or snow.
Shadows encase us in the bliss of dreams unkown.

Secretly encompass, with arms and sheets of Egyptian cotton...
Proud, too proud, we are.
Biting tongues while biting lips
Dancing, motions of our hips

Can you remember?

Can you remember in detail:
Heavy breathing
Shaking thighs
Moving as one?
Can you remember in detail:
Soft breathing
Holding tight
Falling asleep?
Can you remember in detail:
Waking to the sun peaking through the window
Tangled sheets,
Naked bodies, in the heat?
Can you remember in detail:
All of that on repeat?

Bound

Bound.
There is something so beautiful, and alluring about being bound.
Bound by love, bound by lust...
Bound by leather, bound by cuffs...
Bound by you.

There is something so tempting, so tasteful and so teasing about being bound... About binding you, and you binding me, in your love, and only you hold the key.

I could travel land and sea...
But in my dreams, we are bound.
Is reality a façade, or are we bound to our dreams?
Have we delved into a world, where only we can see?
My dangerous love, you have bound me... But does that make us free?
Free and open to the idea of "we"?

Dance with me,
Let our bodies create a rhythm here in the sand and sound of crashing seas.
Become bound to me.
Glide with me, between the sheets, let your dark desires free, whips and chains,
Baby please...

Remain bound to me...
In our Ecstasy...
Sweet skin, sweet sin, sweet sex, yes please...
Lost in lust, lost in love, lost in luring each other off track...
Finding solace in our weak...
Hearts, lost at sea.

Bound by water, surrounding thee...
Lost at sea, bound by waves, beautiful waves
Crashing, dancing, bound by...
Peace.

Serene Eternity

Haven't been home in days,
But have felt more at home on the road,
Than ever before.
I've traveled land and sea...
Air...
Floating.
My dreams are cascading into reality!
Dancing in the sand as the waves crash at my ankles.
I wish this was my eternity.
This will be my eternity!
Serenity, peace and joy.
One with mother earth.

Sleeping Pride

Excavation,
Chipping away at my pride and swallowing a big, jagged pill.
We both know that the pill will dip me into pure Ecstasy.
How can one be so deadly trapped ,
Yet beautifully free?
It is a dance of two ,
Demons and Angels,
But my dear, you are my light.
Each layer I shed, I become more pure,
More true to who I am.
I want to inhale your sweet sin,
And exhale my poisonous pride.
Sleep with me inside of your thoughts.
Always.

Limbo

Yearning,
Sensitive to the slightest touch, I lay here alone.
Early morning, I close my eyes and dream of your fingers exploring my bare skin.
Breathing heavy, yet silent.
Wondering if bodies can be connected by beautiful, sexual, electricity... Through the mind.
The mind is powerful, and we are weak.
Craving, is it possible that you are craving me at this same exact moment?
In tune, like a symphony of rythmic music.
I enjoy this limbo,
For in reality who knows what it would be like if one end of the spectrum was completed.
Isn't there something that excites you about the silence?
My body craves you, your touch,
Your evil, and seductive thoughts,
In the most endearing, and addicted ways.

I just...

I sit here,
Very sick.
Depriving my body of basic needs.
'Borderline pnemonia' says the
Physician. 'You could die if you don't gain weight'
But I don't look fragile,
I don't look thin...
Some say my face is sunken in,
But I feel...average.
The antibiotics won't work if I don't gain weight...
I lay in bed, supposed to be at work.
Fever of 101.
I just feel lost...
I just don't know...
I just...

Holding my phone,
I'm temped on many levels
Peaceful sounds could ring through...
But I close my eyes and let the dark consume me.

Chapter 7

"The Art of Seduction"
Chapter 7- "The Charmer"
Seducers have more than one seductive personality. I believe that The Charmer should be added to my last post.

Chapter 3

"The Art of Seduction"
Part One: Chapter 3- 'The Ideal Lover'

After reading this chapter I feel as if I know an Ideal Lover... Their charm is a lost art, and highly effective in seducing. The dedicate themselves to you, making you feel like a Goddess...like you're the only one. The focus on every aspect of you, but most importantly the small things... The things that secretly matter most.
Back to reading.

Learning

My head aches with pain,
My body sick,
But my soul passionate.
Before I close my eyes I see light in the vaguest way.
Naked, I'm lying face down...
Pillow beneathe my chest,
Wet curls grace my bare back...
I inhale sweet oxygen
And exhale toxic energy.
I am learning to alter energies, to accept and to reject them.
But I am merely a student...
I am a master at seduction, mind control, body control.... But that is simply here in an earthly realm.
It is time to expand my prowess to the universe.

She comforts me.
She encompasses me and holds me in the night... I will succumb to her, only to gain knowledge and love.

Sudden

I heard a whisper in my sleep,
Felt a touch in my daze.
Somebody played with my hair, and caressed my rosey cheeks.
I struggled to open my weary eyes,
But managed to smirk.
A ghost?
Maybe.
Spiritual Awakening?
Probable.

Blue Pills

I thought this little blue pill was supposed to help,
It did...14 days, but now what?
Is my body consuming it as regular, as "norm"
"I want to be happy" she screamed in silence
She clawed at her own skin,
Searching for a magic pill within.

Could you have been happiness? I fear so, I fear not. But all I know is that,
I couldn't stop.

Fourteen days, blue little pills, zombie was made, for their thrill.

Taste of Illness

Wrecked in illness, drenched in temptation
Body screaming for lustuous virtue.
Close my eyes, I can feel your finger tips between my thighs.
Eyes open, and you're gone.
Close again, you're back my friend.
Dancing hand in hand, one with the wind.
I know you feel me, through our energy,
Undeniably fatal.
Would you kiss me? Hold, or miss me?
Would you see me, and walk the other way?
How would it end? This treacherous venom...
My teeth sink into your supple skin,
Your blood is all I taste.

Dizzy, Drunk & Delerious

I wanna pour tequila down your throat ,
Remind you why we are lovers.
Make you dizzy, drunk and delerious off of my love.
My passion's undeniable, as I kiss around your waist.
Distance couldn't make me forget, how sweet your innocence tastes.
Let's pick a destination, and buy one way tickets for ourselves,
We don't have to tell a soul, it's our business, no one else's.
So you grab the Patron, and I'll be there dressed in lace...
Remind you why we're lovers, I'll make your poor heart race.

Flatlined and "Sane"

Drenched
Wretched and drenched in emotionless
Emotions.

Want to scream, want to laugh, want to cry-
but caged.
But... content.

Is this normal?
To accept the unaccepted?
To retrieve peace in such a short amount of time?
To regain... "sanity"
(which feels so insane to me)

I feel more sane when I'm lost, when I'm crying, when I am anxious
Than when I am ... flatlined

...^...^....^..............^........................................

Horns

You may only see my halo,
but my darling I hate to say,
that the only way it's staying up is by my jagged horns.
In all good, there is some evil
Evil, I can't explain.
But fear itself is my enemy, while anxiety remains
My friend where have you been?
Through thick, and tidal thins
Engulfed in treacherous waves of sin- with me and you,
and You with Him.

We pray to the unknown- the universe, for her peace
When the reality is my dear- that we can only reach
Serenity upon request of a soul's reckoning.

Wrecked on the seashore of hope,
I gaze at the stars and see -
The north star is calling me her way,
Is it only a matter of days?
We all know days become years, and years become tears...
and tears...
Well they are just salt water floods of emotions from the gates of our hearts.

My wings have been clipped,
Or frayed,
Or torn
On my fall down to earth.
Which is my hell.

But my halo remains,
Perched on my horns.

Prozac

Chest caving in,
Tears crashing down,
Salty waves .
Here we go again

Breathing fast,
Deeply
Can't
Catch it.
Gasp

Tight spaces
Blurred vision
Nails digging,
Hair pulling

Choking

Collapse.

Euphoria,
Even just for a moment.
Day two,
Caged and trying to break free...
Yearning for freedom.
Chain free, from myself.

Medicated,
An option tried, an option refused,
And now...
Medicated again
Prozac.
"No side effects, just happy, just...Normal"
She said.

Pop
Day One- sleepy, yet calm, numb... Yeah, numb.
Day Two- euphoric, but baseline, not manic like usual... Still calm, just being... Anxiety in the afternoon, clarity in the evening.

Day Three- we will see


Zen.
Is it possible a little blue pill provides it?

Ink

Buzzing
Two places at once.
Ink
Surrounding me in more ways than one.
1930's music dances through the air-
New found obsession.

Cool breeze, high ceilings.
Open spaces- in more ways than one.

It's almost lulling- Peace restored.
Itching, to get another, to be another, to see another
To hear another.
Ink, spilling onto these pages, and onto a loved one's skin.

Moderation- a word I've never known,
Balance- a word I crave, and seem to manage immensely.
A story, written in so many ways.

A smile, a joyful heart- a peaceful feeling in the
Anxiety of caution.

Blessed- that distance and connection
are graciously sprinkled throughout my life.

Misconnected

How is it that an itch
Can be so right?
Coming to terms that it is not just a feeling,
But a fact.
Connections to others so strong,
You feel a stabbing pain in your gut.
Brutal.
Something happened,
What? I am unsure... But this pain in my gut is physically torturing my already fragile body.
To scratch the itch.
Do we act on pain, languages of pain with concoctions of love?
Of lust.
I close my eyes and inhale.
It's as if I am breathing in unison with another- another so foreign , yet so sweetly familiar.

Did it ever even happen? Are we living but a dream?
Connect with me through the stars and the moon, when I sob at night do you taste my tears? When I beam in the sun, do you smile with me?

But this is all just a reminder that I am disconnected.
Misconnected.

Disconnected

Disconnected,
Distraught- in a world so glued together,
Forcefully.
Free spirit,
Dancing in the foreign tides of
Familiarity.
Forever daunting,
Demons in her delicate, formidable soul.
Fearing structure- while craving it
Dealing finely with her reach to the stars.

Disconnected.

Ana Delicacy

She was delicately sick, and they knew it- but all they did was whisper.

Rooftop Creations Part 1

Connecting with the Stars
Is something that
Will become of
Tonight
On a rooftop near me, as the sky screams with peace.
Depths of silence will encompass me,
Will whispers of light , shine down from the stars and moon.
Mother Earth holds me with a breeze.
And from there I will create.

Perfect Harmony

Crawling out of our skin,
Why do we allow individuals to hinder our happiness.
Everybody does it,
Except the Divine.
Choking on the smothering words of hate filled hearts,
once lust filled..
Once love filled.

Who is to say what happiness is... or where she lies.
Maybe she lies alone, one with nature,
I think then the world would be in perfect harmony.

Embraced

Whispers dance through my dizzy thoughts
Dilusionally content in the peace of it all,
But sometimes I wish I could live several stories...
To see how each would end.
Maybe we do
I mean, we dance, we sing, we have déjà vu
Mais je te pense beaucoup.
Could déjà vu be our life on repeat, just different sceneraios?
A beautifully wise girl once told me that love is scary, that I shouldn't be afraid to love
But let's be honest... Love is the the biggest risk any soul could take.


So as I meditate tonight,
The release of energy will be real and cleansing.
But memories shall not be cleansed. Memories should be cherished in the most beautiful of ways.
I live with no regrets.
My shadows , although dark, are comforting Since they've all graced light and serenity.

I embrace the love I have in my heart
For each soul I've loved.

Caged Cell

Rage caged in my soul
Must unleash the rage, must set her free.
She is a beautiful shadow, lurking in the dark.
Shaking the bars of her prison, she screams.
She begs the keyholder to let her free,
But a smirk is exchanged.
A cry echoes from another cell...
Bloody murder.
She giggles and sighs with relief.
Another one lost to the tide of demons.
Sliding down the concrete wall, with her bare back scraping at the walls imperfections.
She loves the pain.

She closes her eyes and rocks back and forth... Waiting to break free. She smiles in insanity.

...short and sweet

Drenched in a drought full of hope and thirst...
Let me suckle your nectar, let me drown myself in your sweetness

Could You?

Could you be in the breath of today?
Could that be you in the kiss of the sunshine?
Could you be in the breath of today,
If she inhaled sweet sin, and let out a moan?
Is that you, holding me in the warmth of the sun?

Seductive Shadow

Sweet nightmare you are back,
Dressed in the finest of lace...
And leather.
You dance through the shadows teasing me with your figure... Delicate, and angelic.
I crawl towards you, thirsty and dreaming of the demons we will conquer.
Your body cries for me, and only the stars hear... So they whisper to tell me.
Your shillouette in the moonlight is enticing and my dreams have swept me away the past few nights.
I often am grounded by earthly lust,
And the devinity of wanderlust love.
But you are just that.
A shadow in the night- once tangible, now tantilizingly teasing.
Something I've done for so long.
A student became the teacher, a teacher the student.
Inhale the sweet sins of our past-
If we dream can we feel?
Is it possible that two can dream in the same realm, feel the same things? Actually TOUCH each other in a dream?
Mind altering, consciousness... I feel you.
Do you feel me?

Who Knows

Who knows where life leads us.
Who knows what happens at the end of our flicker on Earth. I believe there is another life awaiting us at the end of the current one... However am I conditioned by traditional Christian beliefs to think that?
Who knows.
I embrace sleep- but the world keeps turning. I embrace love, but the days keep passing. What is purpose?
Honestly- some say its to impact another... But it's just a vicious cycle of living to die.
The person we impact will die... We will die... The world will eventually die.
Unless some magic potion is discovered.
I'm dreary.
Eyes heavy.
To dream of the future... Life after death. Sweet nightmares dressed in lace greet me at the sight of the moon