Succubus Desires

"With great power, comes great responsibility"
Those words resound in my head.
I see the flame growing,
The desire is certainly there.
I have been here too many times before.
I tiptoe slightly , but yearn to jump in.
Fully submerging my physical being.

She claws from the inside of this beautiful, delicate cage.
Finger nails frail at the attempt.
But determined she remains.

A simple touch can feed her for hours,
My hunger only grows stronger.
In a few hours I will feed.
And the entirety of this coming year,
I will feed.
Watch the cycle of this Capricorn moon.
It becomes dangerously amusing.
Tantalizing.
Take my hand.
Succumb to my desires.

Unravel

Capture this moment:
I lay here.
Wrapped in crimson sheets,
Topped with a tan comforter.

Scanning this shell of a body.
Focusing on each ache and pain.
Mentally massaging it,
Easing the tension.

Relaxing each joint,
Each tendon,
Each muscle and bone.

Opening my heart to the universe.
Opening my mind to MY reality...
The one that so many fear is fantasy.

I just
Simply
Unravel.

Her Loss of Innocence

I guess you could say she lost her innocence at eighteen.
What proper teenager looses it so late in life?
Up until that year, the world was so bright. She found hope in every little crevice of light.
She would get so wrapped up in blades of grass that graced the nape of her neck... the feeling she got while she was laying  on her back, face to the sky.

Her heart,
Her spirit,
Her soul
Were light, carefree, and engaged in the world around her.

She couldn't help but admire her father's eyes, his coarse singing voice, his guttural laugh.
She couldn't help but connect with her mother's smile, her voice, and her love for all things great and small.

She was so lost in them. They could do no wrong, they were her mommy & daddy.

Reality set in,
Shook her world and opened a gate to Hell.
She would be bruised, and slashed of her dignity.

Ma Mort et Ma Vie

“En sa beauté gît ma mort et ma vie.” – Maurice Scève

Say No

Let her consume me,
My self-destructive lover.

Let her endure what she may,
And wreak havoc on this body.

Let her consume me,
Through thought,
Mind,
Body.

Let her control me,
Penetrate my inner being.
Let her make me sick.

I find knowledge in this disease,
And I've been on her ride-
Ups & Downs.

Twisting,
Turning,
Winding down.
Restricting.
Let the games begin
Yet again...
For that's how they see it.
As a game.

Tomorrow... I start again.
Today was awful
Last week was great.
Time to say no.

Childlike.

Iridescent memories, skewed by self reflection
The younger me screams out,
Addicted to the chaos,
Addicted to the night life, the poison she knew all too well.

I tiptoe through my thoughts,
These blurred memories.
Cold, drunken nights
Foolish, young, naivety.

Sometimes I crave her,
The girl I used to be-
Lost, tattered, and wild.

But then I stop,
Even just for a moment,
and realize...
I am still wild.

My soul is free,
My demons have escaped me,
Even if for the time being.
My spirit runs rampant through the mountains,
The stars, and across the universe.

And as I spin under the night sky,
A blanket of stars overhead,
I become dizzy...
I fall
On a blanket of cool grass,
On top of a familiar hill...

I breathe in the cool late fall air.
It is crisp,
I am alone,
But not in spirit... Not in true, twin flame fashion.

And then and there,
I realize,
I am still Alive.
Alive and Childlike in the most innocent,
Yet, Naive ways.

Same Bay

Same Bay,
Same water,
Same dock,
Same treeline
Yet something is different ...

Darker,
Colder,
Less inviting,
But the same.

A cool fall breeze
Ripples the water ,
It glistens enough to
Invite a child to doom.

Cold,
Suffocating,
Shocking,
Yet beautiful doom.

Tragedy strikes at a loss,
But why do we not celebrate?
Pain fades.
Fear subsides
And peace encompasses all.

Shadows

Anxieties set in,
Shaky,
Unsettled,
Unsurprised.

Always hoping for change,
For things to go back to day one.
But...
We are in the shadows now.

Repetition of the Past

I find that abusers claim to be victims of lies,
While victims claim to be normal through silence.
Why mustn't we speak out?
Why must we be silent or be stamped "victims"

I find solace in knowing
"This too shall pass"
I find peace in knowing,
They are simply flashbacks.

They try to silence my words,
But my words will simply last.
For truth comes to fruition,
From repetition of the past.

They tell you you're crazy,
"Insane" and "Psychotic"
That "It never happened"
You're "nuts"
And try to cut all your ties.
But true friends will know the truth,
And trust you wouldn't breed such lies.

You claim it's fake,
It's fiction, because I labeled it as such.
But you and I both know,
the ink is as true as it comes.

You can try to silence my words,
But my words will simply last.
For truth comes to fruition,
From repetition of the past.

Forgiveness- Raw.

I thought that I had truly forgiven you,
But now I am starting to understand the true meaning of forgiveness.
You have permanently scarred me, and I have accepted that,
Although it does not make it easy,
It does not make it right...
It doesn't cure my sporadic tears, flashbacks or anxiety.

But I fucking forgive you.

When my heart is racing and I don't know why,
When my eyes are welled with tears.
When I'm shaking, peering through tear soaked eyes
Into the distance.
When I hear a door slam, hear somebody scream,
When I hear violent words being spewed.
When the flashbacks take over me,
When I am hyperventalating nearly five to six years later,
I fucking forgive you.

When I've spent years in therapy,
To finally realize, I can only heal on my own.
When I'm driving on a highway and so badly want to smash into a telephone pole.
When I am looking at my full bottle of anti-anxiety meds, as a means to an end.
I fucking forgive you.

Sure,
We are all damaged,
But I am NOT your victim.
I may have tendencies that were created because of your abuse,
But I am trying so fucking hard to break them... and trust me
I will.

I never thought you would have such a lasting impact,
I never thought that I literally would have PTSD from our relationship.
I never in a million years thought that it would hit me five years after the fact.
I thought I was healed,
I was wrong,
But I WILL heal.
You just watch.


I FUCKING FORGIVE YOU.

Space of Clarity and Inspiration

"Inspire me."

I begged the Universe.

She spoke of a place,

Warm,

Welcoming, 

Dimly lit,

I instantly knew.

So, 

I bundled up,

Walked across the street, 

And entered

A place

Where aromas of coffee and hookah danced around me.

Smokestack. 

Astrology: Getting to know Myself.

"Your challenge in this lifetime will be to tame your restlessness. From past incarnations you have a soul memory of long journeys and travel to faraway places. From time to time this wanderlust may overtake you again. You are scared to lose this sense of freedom, yet you must in order to grow. Stay put and you will reap the generous rewards of North Node in 3rd House. Forgo the travel and gain self-understanding." - TrueNode.org

Future

A daughter  should never feel like this,
Shaken,
Anxious ,
Helpless...

I lay here in my bed,
Trying to control these breaths ,
Yet
    they
    are
S
   t
A
     g
G
  e
R
       e
 d.

I crave what normal feels like.
Today I faught back tears hearing somebody say,
"My sister and I have Sunday dinner every week together"
My family traditions ,  lost.
I could create new ones,
But by the end of this year, my whole family will literally be
S
   c
A
  t
       t
E
   r
        e
   d

Across the US.
I tell myself,
I am greater than this notion of family and normality ,
The universe has meant something much deeper for me...

But here i am,
Living in the future,
As my mother drives down,
Arriving here at 2am...
With only her dreams.
I am undeniably horrified.

Today's Affirmations

My spine lengthens,
My body tingles,
My muscles tense in a stretch, then relax.
Breathing is steady.
Inhale,
Longer exhale.

Focusing on each chakra as I say my affirmations for the day.
I will remain aligned,
I will let the universe speak to me,
I will let the universe guide me.
All is well and meant to be.

My energy is bright and refocused.
Something I needed,
And have accepted.

The autumn chill creeps through the crack of my bedroom window.
I smirk,
Knowing its timing was perfect.

Aligned

Aligned,
Concentration through the third eye,
Energies weaving in and out of my physical being.
I feel her warm, positive presence moving my energies:
in and out,
back and forth

Extracting the negative,
Strengthening the light.
My body grounded with hot stones,
Although it begs to float away with my soul.

Traveling.

Cross legged,
My eyes close,
My breathing slows,
My pulse becomes steady.

I focus on the breaths first.
Inhale, Exhale.
I feel cool air enter through my nostrils,
Warm air leaving them.
I feel my lungs expand to capacity and slowly relax.
They enjoy this controlled stretch.

Next I focus on the surface.
My face starts to feel the pressure of the universe,
Gently pushing and patting.
The cells on my face want to float, yet molecules hold them together.

My hands feel heavy,
Weighted towards the core of the Earth,
But they too want to float.

Next my core.
Expanding and collapsing.
Full, and content.

My eyes,
Colors of indigos and deep blues dance across my eyelids.
I then dive deeper,
Stray from the surface,
Go deeper than my organs,
and tap into my Soul.

Trees.
Bare trees, concrete sidewalks overgrown and cracked.
Black and white.
Echoing,
This is a place that is not familiar to myself,
But I sense the presence of another.
Looking around,
One could hear a pin drop.
Buildings are empty, tall, with blown out windows.
A dark opening,
Resemblant of a door... or a cellar.
Something pulls me towards it,
Yet, I know better than to investigate.

So I leave this realm,
Open my eyes,
And will try again in a moment's notice
For a realm where I know that I belong.

Experience Something Tonight.

She lays there,
Several layers of blankets try to ease her shaking,
Her ice cold body is nearly numb.
Her eyes are heavy.

She begs for a premonition,
A vision,
A sign,
A visit from another,
Or to walk among the land of dreams.

She prays to the universe,
Slowing her breathing,
To simply Experience
Something tonight.

A Quick Thank You to My Love.

It's funny how we became... This.
You grabbed my hand, promised me an adventure.
I took yours,
I trusted you.
I still do.

You took me to places I've never been,
You've made me laugh until I cried,
You made me open my eyes to new things,
New people,
New places.

You encouraged me to chase MY dreams,
And was always thankful that I supported yours.
You always told me my worth,
You have a way with words.

When I'm with you,
I feel confident,
Unstoppable,
Proud,
Loved,
Eager to learn.

Thank you, my love.
For opening my eyes to so much more.

You Love Me...

You love me at my fault,
You love me at my victories, no matter how big or small.
You love me when I'm a mess.
You love me when I'm broken,
You love me when I'm fixed...
You love me when I'm high
You love me when I'm low
You love me on the open road, wherever we may go.
You love me in the morning, and in the darkest night.
You love me when I'm wrong, and even when I'm right.
You love me when you're close,
You love me when you're far.
You love me unconditionally,
I love you even more.

Lessons.

The universe presents us with so many of them,
Lessons.
Sometimes we are blind to them,
Other times we think we know the lesson, and we are actually far off...
Then there are some days where we nail it on the head.

These lessons won't always be sweet,
Sometimes they will make us pucker and pout,
Other times they will calm our souls.

A lesson might appear as a storm,
Violent, dark, and endless.
But we should remain calm,
For the rain is cleansing our souls,
The thunder is drowning out the negativity,
The lightning is slowly guiding us through the darkness.

A lesson could appear as a facade.
A beautiful lake in front of us,
Shady trees surrounding us offering protection and relief from a desert sun,
When really,
Our mind is playing tricks on us.

We often let emotions cloud our judgment,
That is a fault we have obtained the second our souls were born into human bodies.
Being strong, spiritual souls, we have the ability to tame those emotions,
To acknowledge them, control them, and manipulate them...
And when we learn this trait of divinity,
We will be at peace.

I am slowly coming to this peace,
This rest,
This blunt, yet complex understanding.
That we are truly alone on this journey.
We may have many beautiful encounters,
We may have many ugly ones,
But at the end of each moment, we are simply ourselves, and only with ourselves.
It is much simpler than society has conditioned us to think.
Peace is much more obtainable than they want us to believe.
Serenity is at your will.

So will it into being.

Crater

A hole
Growing ,
Deeper,
Wider...

I tell you to watch your step,
You say you saw it too...
You say you want to cross it together,
So I jump,
Letting the air guide me to the other side.
I tell you to jump,
Extend my arms.
I say I'll catch you,
But you just turned and walked the other way...
Unphased

Poetry.

Poetry is painted from our darkest corners,
Places few dare to go,
And few are lucky to explore.
There is beauty in demise,
And strength in weakness.
Whispers in the night behind the falling tears,
Are heard,
But ignored,
For knowing there is still so much more.
Will is ours,
But destiny belongs to the universe.
Dive into my dark corners,
I'm sorry I can't hold your hand,
As scary as it may be,
I promise you'll be just fine.

Iridescent Windshield

Head aching
Spinning...
Nothing out of the ordinary,
Yet I'm still presented surprised.
The anxiety is back, sets in...
Jaw locked.
Here we go again.

Red and black plaid covers my breasts,
Rising and falling with the breath in my chest...
Questioning, again...

Time to look inward,
Again.

Time to focus on myself,
To please myself,
To be happy... but here I am.
Rain pouring on this all too familiar windshield.

Escape

Let's run away
To a land where mass killings aren't a thing,
Where we are color blind,
Where love is just simply... LOVE.
Where is that world other than in my soul?
Will you take me there?

Intrinsically Yours

I am surrounded by strangers,
All but one familiar face.
Trapped inside of my soul,
My loves screams
To be so loved,
Yet to be so lost,
In the depths and caverns of my mind
Hushed by your skewed view of society,
Or my naiivity
I force a smile,
And wonder at what point have I sacrificed my life to eternal demise?
At what point will I break?
The thread continues to fray,
This glass continues to crack...
But my heart is overflowing with love for you...

I wonder if you feel the same way too

Reborn

Sometimes I think death just seems so peaceful...
And others don't get,
My claimed "insanity"
But really,
Death is as beautiful as birth.
It's being reborn...
Oh how I'm so beyond ready to be
Reborn.

Sweet Sin-sations

I close my eyes,
Part my lips,
And allow the sweet chocolate to
Indulge my senses

My taste buds perk up.
My soul sings,
My body feels sinfully blissful

I take a quick journey to a warm place,
In my past,
In my memories .

I cherish memories more than most,
Sure threads split,
Sure glass shatters,
But some of my fondest memories
Are fr broken roads.

I reminisce of an open field,
Surrounded by trees,
The grass tickles my bare feet and arms,
While I lay down.
The clouds pass by,
Aqueous Transmission emits comforting sounds,
While I inhale,
My lungs fill with smoke.
I am surrounded by undying love,
In this moment.

I'm taken back to a living room floor,
Soft brown carpet,
My body dressed solely in the moonlight,
My senses awaken with fire, ice and orgasm
I am loved, but I am not committed.
She was left beautifully broken.

It was a cool fall night,
A bonfire raged, sparks flew.
My blood was filled with numerous poisons
My eyes grew weary, my heart was free.
My body laid on a thin sheet over hard rock.
The heart beat and embrace of another
Provided temporary comfort
Temporary is all she ever truly was.

Never-ending sunshine,
Evenly cast on the moon's pale skin.
Freckled with stars,
Giggles filled the air on top of a hill that night
Passion interrupted by mischevious laughter.
Caught "red handed"
Smirking, in lust.
Foolishly in love.

Hopping a fence, waterfalls and "Danger" signs in sight
Summer sun allows the pixies in the forest to dance.
Pure bliss.
Quickly in love, quickly embracing a gypsy lifestyle.
A heart of a traveler,
In live with another gypsy
Beautifully dangerous.

Naked, Hot, Numb

Naked
Hot
And Numb.

Eyes weary,
Soul exhausted
Craving what comes next
While failing to focus on the Now.

We are human,
We only seem to come here,
Repeatedly
In our own dismal nature.

I long for stillness
Has it really been almost a month since I've had it?
Where has time gone?
She has slipped through my fingers
As the years pass like seconds,
Like sand in an hourglass .

Burning eyes,
Restless mind,
Exhaustion in this life,
In this physical body,
I am just a wandering soul after all.

I don't feel as if 'reality' is real...
I crave to feel,
In the moment,
In the Now.

Physically trying,
Emotionally bound,
Gagged,
And choked.

Gasping for air,
But enjoying the high from this suffocation.

Grip and Gasping

Sometimes we suffocate,
And by suffocating we come to the realization that we've lost our way once again.
It's peacefully chaotic ,
Blissfully numb,
And intrinsically dangerous.

We gasp for air,
While our own hands tighten around our neck...
Will we ever let go?

Pink Lining

Driving home,
A head cluttered with thoughts,
Tank on E
Blank stare,
Broken
By the pink lining
In the
Sky.

Art

Bare skin,
Never perfect.
Eyes stare into the distance -
Love lost within the night,
A figment or a pleading flight?

Is all of this, real or fake?
An illusion- delusionary state?
Lost in sessions of imperfections and my moderate mistakes.

This bed-
It's empty  but full of stories to tell.
Listen carefully,
These stories are painted for only those who admire,
The art of
Seduction.

I Wonder.

Silence,
I am captivated by the silence and stillness that surrounds me.
Serene is the world that encompasses me,
And somehow I find peace in this idea of eternal bliss,
Eternal stillness,
Eternal slumber.
I wonder:
'Do others feel so peaceful, so unafraid, so clear minded before doing what we view as selfish acts?'
I wonder.

I am not scared,
I am alone-
But that is nothing new.
I am calm,
My breathing is shallow, and evenly flowing in and out of my tired lungs.
This can't be it.
Life on Earth-
There has got to be something better,
Something bigger,
Something more exciting that comes next.
I am anxious to find out.

Inside Out

Guilt,
Eats me from the inside out,
Just wishing it would eat the calories I've consumed.
Indulgence,
A weakness of mine.
I look in the mirror and see imperfections,
Nasty, obvious, and growing imperfections...
Crawling out of my skin,
Into my reflection,
Tearing her apart.
Words creep into my tattered mind.
They wound,
They scar,
Even more than before.
Will these demons ever stop
Tearing me apart?
Piece by piece?
Inside out?

Through My Eyes

Suffocating with more than enough fresh air to breathe
Drowning in my own demise.
Stuck in a cycle, that I know to well-
I only remember solace in your eyes.

A simple touch,
Would be more than nice.
A warm embrace through just one night-
But instead I am drowning,
Suffocating in this fresh Spring air.

Take me there,
I hate it here.
I have the numbness that encompasses me-
I hate who I've become, and who I might be...
I drown in sorrows bittersweet.
But once again, You're far from me.

You turn my angst,
Into your pain,
Instead of listening - it becomes a game,
Of who has it worse,
It's always you...

Why for once, can't you see it through...
My crying eyes?

Goodnight

"Goodnight" I whisper as my eyes grow heavy...

Clarity in The Shadows

Let her light create shadows,
and her shadows create clarity.
Her gaze cast to the skies,
She wonders "Is there Heaven and Hell?"

Sky drenched in fire,
She smiles.
Her breath is shallow, but just enough to keep her heart beating.
Not much makes her heart beat anymore nowadays...
But sometimes when her heart stops it is more exciting than the pounding of its beat.

She decides to make today a productive one,
In her own way,
That many would argue is far from productive.

Caressing her face,
Her hair dances with the slight breeze.
She fabricates the next story she will write,
A hopeful fiction,
Laced with lust and love under pale moonlight.

Press.

Let the sky open up,
Let her swallow my soul.
Let her patience wash over my addiction

Her light is ever changing,
Like the ever changing  permanence of our spirits.

Closing my eyes,
I long for her embrace.
So I whisper to the wind,
"Come Close, Lay Close, Press your naked body against mine..."

Cold Night in Hell

After a day of numerous stressors,
Denials,
And reconnecting with old friends,
My weary soul just wanted to collapse.

Collapse into a pile of clouds,
Collapse under the brightly lit moon,
Collapse in the cool, spring breeze in upstate NY.

I wanted to wander,
Forests familiar and new,
Hilltops overlooking a view of my past,
And just listen to the coo of an owl as she welcomed the night.

But instead I became captivated by the moon,
Her light-
The fact that her light might already be dimmed,
And it is something we wouldn't know about for years to come.

Tonight I close my eyes,
Longing a true, warm, embrace,
But the only embrace I have is that of my demons and this cold night in Hell.

Lesson in The Whole

Last night I learned a lesson,
Had somewhat of an epiphany.
Stillness and Bliss go hand in hand for me.
They are two in one.

I also realized that I am not selfish but self-caring and self-loving.
And in order for a soul to thrive in this universe, one must ultimately be self-caring, and self-loving.
These two things are far from selfish,
They are essential to our spiritual make-up.

All of the people we meet,
All of the people we take into our lives,
Into our hearts,
And all of the people we love- intentionally or unintentionally,
Become part of us.
They become part of our growing super nova,
They become part of our seemingly huge to us, but retrospectively small, Universe.

In order to truly honor ourselves,
In order to truly love ourselves,
We must honor those that surround us.
We should not sacrifice our own well-being,
But we should sacrifice our self-indulgent behaviors.

Initially,
This might be hard.
We humans, are self-indulgent creatures.
We are constantly stuck in a dialogue of the past or future,
But let's focus on the present.

Last night,
I simply Was.
And it was the most beautiful thing I've experienced in a long time.
I was finally able to realize that I am only hurting myself,
By hurting others,
So I need to love, honor, and respect others,
In order to love, honor and respect myself.

Lesson in The Whole.

Rain or Shine

Let's dance in the rain,
Wash away any pain,
Rain or shine-

I feel the storm,
Rolling through,
Dance with me,
I'll dance with you.
Rain or shine.

Castle on a Hill

Today.
Doylestown, PA.
My sacred place.
My castle on a hill.
Fronthill Castle.
Aching for serenity,
Going to create.
Peace,
Love,
Joy,
Bliss.
My castle on a hill.

Midday
Spring weather,
Almost better.
Hours,
Just a few.
Caught in hope,
Left to likely be unsatisfied.

Well Soon.

Staring out my window,
Brown brick wall in front of me,
Coffee almost empty.
The first cup I've had in days.

Lungs are still tired,
Body is still aching,
But recovering.
I feel Summer on her way through my window.

My cats chatter to me, as if we are having intellectual conversation,
So I respond in French,
To practice.

This illness couldn't have come at a worse time.
I leave for NY on Sunday afternoon,
I have off work Monday - Wednesday next week,
And have missed Tuesday-Thursday this week.

I beg my body to heal,
But surely everything happens for a reason.
I acknowledge the illness,
And cater to my sick needs.

Sun peeks through my window,
Taunting me to come play,
Oh how I wish I was well enough to dance in her rays,
Soon.
I can only hope,
Soon.

Search and Reach

Recovering,
Physically-
Preparing,
Mentally.

I lay in this empty bed,
Trying to clear my head-
What should be said?
Or left unsaid?

My hands, slowly aging
As my fingers grace these keys-
I close my eyes,
Search and reach serene.

Seven Days

This time in Seven days,
I can only guess where I might be.
I know the town, I know the place,
But not too sure of the spacial plane.

This time in Seven Days,
I'll be physically tired,
But hopefully my soul will feel rejuvenated.
One can only hope,
One can only plead with Mother Universe.

This time in Seven Days,
Will I be inside or out?
Will I be alone or in the company of another?
Will I be cold, or warmed by a foreign soul?

This time in Seven Days,
Will my lips be speaking truth?
Will they be tangled up in you?
Will they be silenced?

This time in Seven Days.

Grace

Let me be graceful when I lack grace.
Let showers of peace wash over me.
Let the sunlight kiss me through my dirty window.
Let me discover the right in all of the wrongs.
Let me find the way,
My journey,
Is meant to lead me.

Babble

As I close my eyes,
Rest my soul,
And enter a world where dreams become reality,
Where a dimension of alternate reality sets in,
I reflect on my breath.
I take this time,
Deeply inhale,
Smile,
Exhale.


For just the memories of you,
Make me feel whole.
In This Moment.
Bliss.

Let us meet in our dreams,
In places familiar,
Yet daringly strange.

Take me,
Hold me,
Kiss me hard,
Miss me harder.

Break me,
Love me,
Break me again.
I love the thrill.

The Way

The rain falls harshly on my windshield,
It blurs my vision,
Wipers off.
I am aching to be present today.
So I start now.
No thinking of the past,
Or the moment that comes next.
Living in the now,
And loving it.
The way love is meant to be.

Concrete

Glass, shattered everywhere.
Sounds and lights seemingly going in slow motion after impact.
Screams of two others.
One in the passenger seat- seat belt on.
The other, in the back seat, not strapped in.
Not a single scream from my mouth.
Silence.
I felt peace,
As colors of blue and black spun around me,
As screeching and screams merged into one symphonic sound.
Passing headlights leaving beautiful streams of light,
Painting my vision like a galaxy.
Airbag deployed,
Face hitting the steering wheel.
Putting my arm up to stop the person in the back from flying forward,
Unsure if it worked.
Concrete.
We hit a concrete barrier,
After swerving,
After them telling me to pull over,
They could tell I was tired.
But I could barely hear them.
I was so caught up in my selfish thought, and self pity.
The sound of the rumble strips,
Didn't snap me out of my daze.
Concrete.

I woke up.
Not panicking,
Slowly breathing.
Not afraid in the slightest.
It was all so real...
It felt so fucking real.
Why couldn't it have been real?
I was ready to meet my maker,
I was ready to be reborn...
But instead,
Here I am.
Lying naked,
In this bed,
That is empty.

Epiphany

I'm seeking Enlightenment, but living in Hell.

Dedication

"Take a moment to set an intention... Dedicate your practice to something tonight... Even if it's something simple... Set an intention."
I smirked,
My cheeks perked up, as I knowingly went to my mat with an intention this evening.

"Focus on your breath, the inhale and exhale. Just acknowledge it, it may not be even yet, it may be choppy. The inhale might be longer than the exhale, or visa versa. That's OK for now, just acknowledge the breath."

Shallow, choppy, certainly not equal in length.
But I knew it would change.
I let it be, and acknowledged the imperfections.

"Now that you've found your breath, try to match the inhale to the length of your exhale"

And that is where I got lost in my practice,
So beautifully lost in the simplicity of my breath,
Of the familiar faces that surround me each week,
Of the serene, yet seductive voice of my yoga instructor.

She has big eyes,
Just like yours,
Dark hair,
Seemingly curious fire in her soul.

My eyes remaind closed for the remainder of the class.
One hour and fifteen minutes of pure,
Uninhibited, breath.

My twists,
My binds,
The pounding of my heart in an empty ribcage,
My deep, now meaningful, breathing.

Before I know it,
I'm laying on my back,
Palms facing the Heavens,
Heart open to the universe and her undying love.

There's that smile again,
The one that perked up in the beginning of tonight's practice.
I dedicated my practice tonight to You.

Namaste

Tension increases in my lower back and hips,
I lie on my stomach trying to release it.
They say we hold our emotions in our hip joints.
Hoping that yoga tonight will open up my body and soul alike.
To healing, to understanding, to love.

Namaste

Lesson in Hope and Impermanence

Impermanence and Hope,
Two very fragile, yet important lessons I took from tonight's reading.

Let's start with Hope.
Hope is not what we often think it is.
Hope is not optimism, Hope is in fact a facade.

Hope is when we try to fit experiences into our agendas,
Hope is a fantasy.
Hope is an idealized version of the future, and it can be toxic.
Hope is not accepting the here, nor the now.
Hope is building a story in the future, that we ultimately have no control over.
If we had control over it, it would be called optimism.

"We must let go of hope, in order to achieve our hopes."
Does that sound backwards?
Sure.
Is it true?
Absolutely.

Hope can hold us back.
It can hold us back from enjoying the experience of the now,
It can hold us back from creating optimistic experiences,
It can hold us back from learning a much needed lesson.
This is me letting go of all Hope.

Impermanence is beautiful.
Once we realize that all things in life are impermanent,
We can realize joy,
Hold onto the moment of Now,
And not fret of the future.

Acknowledging Impermanence is essential to letting go of attachment,
And attachment creates pain,
It creates suffering,
It creates an unattainable fantasy.
I accept Impermanence -
Here and Now.

Ice

Hello sweet chill in my bones,
We meet again.
You are so familiar, yet so distant.
My hands are that of ice,
My coordination failing,
My fingertips are numb,
But they tell me that it's nothing.

Wrapped in all that I can,
Fleece, wool, and cotton.
Still ice,
Still shaking,
Still Mind.

I reflect on that of yesterday,
Where my world was turned and shaken,
Like a snow globe,
That you've packed away,
That hasn't seen the light of day,
In ages.

I wonder where I'll wander,
And if we will ever meet again,
But right now, I find myself
Questioning.

I long to sit and talk to another soul,
For hours on end,
Laying on a bed of grass,
Only the summer sun warming our skins.

I long for intelligent conversation,
Leading to chatter of philosophies and what might have been.
Where can I grasp this concept of perfect inclarity.

Searching for Moonlight

Numbness overwhelms my sense of being.
A sensory deprivation crave,
Voice shot from screaming in the night,
Terrors consume my fragile mind.
Driving, but not aware,
The safest, unsafe action.

Inhaling deep,
But tattered.
I can't help but crave the night,
Where my eyes are closed,
My muscles release,
And my mind wanders to a land full of false hope and promises.

Have you ever been here?
Have we all?
Falling deeper into the oblivion we know as Life?

What comes from a rainstorm,
What comes from lightning striking a tree to her core?
Is it like when lightning strikes sand on a desolate beach?
Beautiful glass created?
Transparent, yet imperfect?

I wish I could be,
On that island,
Of pink sand,
From sunrise to sunset,
Wandering barefoot in a mindful state,
Rather, here I am.
Floating and lost, among stars...
Searching for moonlight.

Where am I?

I swallow two pills,
A pit in my stomach,
With all that's been going on the past few days...
The past few months...
The past few years.

I cringe as I feel them slide down my throat,
Cold water chases them.
"I actually need these. She doesn't."
Am I convincing myself?
Could I deal with this deep, dark, depression?
These manias,
Without it?
Are these mental illnesses concocted by the pharmaceutical industry?
So we can become addicted to giving them our money,
Our lives,
Our emotions?

The pink box fan on my bedroom floor sends a cold gust of wind my way.
Chills surface.

I ache inside.
My heart aches,
There are just so many things I'm questioning.
But what is the point of questioning?
When we question, we suffocate the here and the now...
The moment that we are present in,
Because questioning only lies in the past and in the future,
Never in the present.

But I can't help but fall back to that time where I was sixteen,
Extension chord wrapped around my neck,
In my closet,
Nobody home...
Dad came home early, and called my name.
Shit.
Failed.

Or that time where I took so many pills,
Chased by vodka,
And my friend found me,
On my bedroom floor,
And stuck her fingers down my throat.
Failed.
Again.

What is my purpose?
Why am I in this dismal wormhole?
Stop.
"Stop Questioning."
A voice of reason rings through the galaxies to my soul.
I hear her.

If Only...

A silent scream,
Nails falling off from clawing at Hope,
Fingers bloody.
A noose around my neck.
Asphyxiation.
Gasping.
Drowning in the sorrows of today.
I kick the chair out from under me.
If only.

Dark Carnival

Digging into the depths of her soul,
She sees a dark carnival, a spinning ferris wheel-
Doom creeps in her eyes.
Her soul is transparent in this moment.
Fear and animosity grow,
She acknowledges it and digs deeper.

A spiral of neutral, univiting colors dance before her.
A storm rolls in and she cries.
The raindrops and her tears blend together,
A stranger wouldn't be able to tell one from another.

Her pale face turns to the sky,
She screams, but only the woods around this vacant carnival hear her.
She is alone.
Not a soul in sight,
Other than the mosquitoes that feed from her warm moist skin.

She is angry, stricken with sadness,
She questions the higher power she feels around her.
"Why her?"
Tears flow faster, her hands begin to shake.

She falls to her knees,
Chin drops.
Hands and knees covered in mud,
She isn't phased.
She has always loved the Earth,
Dirt and all.

She picks up her muddy hands and wipes the tears away from her face,
As they continue to viciously fall.
The rain washes the mud, as it taints her pale skin.
She picks up her fists and pounds the muddy ground before her,
With rage,
Pure, fiery, rage.

What is life?
What is the purpose of all that we endure?
Why must others suffer?
And why must we suffer by watching them?
Why must we love?
Why must we care?
She screams to the Heavens "WHY HER?!"

She curls into a fetal position,
Grabbing her knees,
Now bruised, bloody, and muddy from the earth that was beneath them.
"I just want her back... I just want my mommy back..."
The little girl inside of her twenty-five year old body surfaces.
She is alone,
With nobody to hold her.

She imagines a time where she was carefree,
Where the sun was shining,
Where her mother could kiss away all of the maladies that life propelled her way...
But now,
Her mother is a shell of a human,
Lost in addiction.
Lost in a downward spiral.

Can this little girl balance adulthood with the pain of childhood?
"Please Lord, just make her healthy again..."
She sobs.
A dark figure comes up behind her,
It wraps what appears to be arms around her,
And holds her.
The rain slows down,
The clouds begin to part,
And this being just hold her as her sobs begin to soften.

It is a mystery,
She will never quite piece together.
The mystery of the dark carnival.

Addiction.

Something hard to swallow,
Something undeniable,
Something intangible.

Something that strikes fear,
Something that screams denial.
Something that lasts forever.

Something I've tasted,
Something she's experienced,
Something I feared would come back.

Something I know is in my blood,
Something I am cautiously not cautious about.
Something that I wish would stop.

Something I wish I could choke.
Something I wish I could kill.
Something I wish I could bury alive.

Something evil,
Something that appears blissful...
A Toxic Angel.
Addiction

Gibberish

Dipping in and out of rainbow colors,
Falling down a spiral monsoon.
Dripping wet in technicolored sin,
And singing drops of rain to the moon.

Let her fall into the depths of the Hell we call home,
Let her dance on fiery coals with pleasure.
Let her tiptoe through a field of poppies,
And hold her breath, as she goes under.

Skipping barefoot on the wet asphalt,
Chin to the dimming sky,
Her cares fade away.
She closes her eyes, and prays.

Where is the man on the moon when she needs him?
Where is her fairy godmother?
She swears in the night, they haunt, and she sees them,
But fairy tales were never her style.

Her skin is bare,
The reflection of rain drops amplify
The bronze tone of her pigment.

She scales the edge of a brick building,
Only looking to the sky,
Her fingers bleeding from grasping,
Her lungs collapsing from gasping.

Let her breathe in the colors
That no others can see,
She is climbing her way to the top,
Of all she can be.
Just let her inhale the sweetest aromas of sin.
Let pleasure and pain- evenly sink in.

Pain

Highs and lows overtook my soul.
This pit in my stomach grew stronger as I pulled her close.
I did not want to admit that this hurt,
Worse than most goodbyes we've shared.

I searched and dug for an answer as to 'why'
But all I could focus on was the warmth of her body against mine,
and the words that she whispered,
"I love you."

Depression swept over me for the nearly twenty four hours since our separation.
Her voice ringing through my phone eased the pain.

I couldn't really make out what would become of our future,
Of my future...
Of anything that awaits...
But then slowly I am reminded to live in the Now.

So I focus on my breathing,
To control the anxieties that have controlled me.

Slow Down

Much later than I would've liked to close my eyes,
Much more on my mind than I'd like to admit,
Much less time than I'd like to have-
But really what is time?
A figment of our imagination?
A comatosed sleep induced by over self medication?
A dream that is on repeat, with scenarios slightly changing?

We get so wrapped up in time.
It is such an incredibly complex thing.
How many hours in a day?
How many minutes does each task take?
But really, we are only making time fly by when we focus our energy on it.
We, as beings of this brightly lit, beautiful, and bountiful universe have the ability to slow time down.

So why don't we?
It is a practice that I've been trying to learn,
Eventually I'd like to master it.

By being mindful we can slow down time.
We can examine each moment...
Each second...
As it is presented to us.

We can use our senses to admire the aromas that surround us,
Intake the aesthetic pleasures that nature has birthed.
Let us use our tongues not as a weapon of rage,
But as a weapon of love and lust.
Let us taste our deepest desires,
Even those, that society forbids us.

Let us live for the experience.
Let us live for the moment.

Slow it down.
Take it in.
Feel each molecule that surrounds your skin.
Feel every inch of every breath that fills your lungs to their capacity.

Delve into the beauty of a timeless eternity with me.
Take my hand.
Say you will.

Dare to drink from the fountain of youth,
Dare to slow time down,
For slowing time down, means to step out of one's comfort zone.
Let's be each other's muses.
Let's paint a picture with the time we will gain,
Let our eyes paint with purples and greys,
Let our tongues paint with yellows and tangerine,
And let our passion paint with colors of Rose and Violet.

Just close your eyes,
Breathe slow and deep,
And dream walk to me.

Twenty Minutes

What to write,
I shall not see,
Shall not feel,
Shall not question.
Just letting words pour onto pages,
Staining them with truth,
Darker than a coffee stain on a fresh white button down.

Let it spill out.
Tonight,
I was reading,
The words of another.
Holding lined paper,
Bound by spiral wire.

Tenaciously drawn in,
I couldn't help but smile.
Words from a time where you were so wrapped in happiness,
A time that I didn't know you,
A time where it seemed like your soul sang.

But now,
You are lost.
I see glimpses of your happiness.
Those moments I grasp onto,
Hold onto, and will cherish for all eternity.

Why can't you see your worth?
Your truly, gorgeous, undying worth?
You are the sunrise in the morning,
You are the shadow of the clouds as they roll in for a summer storm.
The glistening of water on the pavement as the rain falls.

We have but one life to live,
So why not live it to the fullest?
Why not make mistakes so we can learn?
Why not try new things?
Why not jump...
And take the chance...
To see if we can fly?

A connection,
As our eyes met tonight.
You felt safe,
You let me read into your soul.
So why not breed your soul's desires and emerge from the shadows of the now?

Give back to yourself.
Honor yourself.
Your happiness should be eternally dancing in the rain,
With the warmest of smiles across your face.

My love for your is deep,
A starlit connection drives me so passionately towards your happiness,
That I cannot remain quiet,
And maybe that is one of my faults...
But why should I remain silent,
When a friendship built on love,
On Trust,
On Honesty
Is burning like a flame...
Let me be your rock,
Let me listen to the words that you whisper to the wind.

Share with me what you've held back,
Open yourself to a friendship, like none other.
You have come so close,
But I can sense that you are still so far...

The Morning After

The morning after
Is always the worst.
My body feels numb,
Tingling sensations continue to take over,
I am not sure it's done.
Anxiety.
I long to be held,
Wrapped so tightly in the arms of another that this feeling subsides.

Simple Relief

I just feel
Exhausted today.
Anxiety from another
Placed on my soul.

It has sucked the life out of me today.
But I hope my energy was healing,
As I was sending it your way.
In simple hopes,
That the anxiety I was feeling was yours,
and In hopes that my energy would take it from you.

First Thought Wrong

"Ugh, this rain"
Wrong.
"This rain is beautiful" I whisper as I turn my chin to the sky,
The rain is pouring hard, but feels gentle on my face.
My eyes are closed.
I lick my lips to taste what nature has given me to drink.
I smile.
The rain is sweet,
It fills my soul with joy.

As it continues, I start my day.
Grey skies, but I enjoy the sound of music being played by the downpour on my windshield.

"This traffic is horrendous"
Wrong.
"I hope somebody isn't hurt..." I send my thoughts and light to the victims of the accident that has had me sitting in the same spot for over an hour now...

I am safe,
I am healthy,
And I love the sound of rain that is keeping me company on this dark morning.

The roads are slick,
They reflect like a mirror,
Red lights surround me.
In park my car remains,
"Let them be OK" I whisper,
As I roll down my window,
And stick my arm out to feel this April rain.
So beautifully imperfect,
It falls.
My arm glistens,
As I listen.

Tangerine Dream

Sweet smoke fills my lungs.
The room around me dimly lit,
The aura of this small room is radiant.
This inspirations has been overwhelmingly beautiful this week.
Everything from the rain, to the sunrise, I am whole.
Tangerine aromas fill the space around me as I exhale.

One work complete,
Another (of many) in the works.

The words clutter my mind, in the most endearing way.
I feel love, and energizing movement in this space.
A soft melody plays in the background,
My mind speaks hastily in the foreground.

I lately have been hearing my thoughts,
In what feels like a slow motion of sound.
My thoughts gathered in a mason jar,
For me to examine, under the moonlight.

Have I been here before?
Is this what mindfulness feels like?
If so, I beg it to stay.

My white shirt fits loosely,
As black lace caresses my breasts.
Comfortable I am becoming in my physical being.
Something I've struggled with for years.

My mind is more clear, so my perception is blossoming.
Like a lotus under the verge of a Spring sunshine.
A heaviness fills my chest,
Acknowledging it , I move past it.
Simple sensations embodied in my soul.

Today, I am here.
No more than myself, no less than myself.
For, I am simply the Universe.

Remaining Open

My journey will begin after sundown,
On a Sunday.
Monday to a Wednesday my time will be free.
I will see and spend time with my mother,
And open my heart to the singing sun.

I fear my guess will be wrong,
That where my mind will lead me is
Not
Where
Anticipated.

But I will be open to the calls of the universe,
Of the sunrise and the sunset.

Remaining open ,
I shall.

The Now

I find myself playing over every scenario possible in my head.
Then I catch myself,
"You won't know until it happens. That's just how life is."
I always seem to be trying to control my life,
In every facet.
Moments later I am back in the same routine.

Acknowledging that I am doing this "control" thing
Is at least a step in the right direction.

I pick up a piece of Amethyst and rub it between my fingers,
Closing my eyes I focus on my breath,
Trying to bring myself out of the future,
And into The Now.

A Piece of Me Not Yet Discovered

I was driving in a car,
It was a suburban street, with trees canopying overhead.
The sun was shining, and I was listening to my thoughts.
I often found myself dangerously wrapped in thought while driving.

I looked to my left.
I felt an urge, a pulling towards this house.
I quickly pulled into the driveway, unsure of what would come next.

The shrubbery was overgrown,
But a beautiful deep green.
The grass was past my ankles, and I could barely see the stone walkway as I stepped out of my car.
A wooden sign was free standing, small, and gently blowing in the wind.

The paint was chipped, and the sign almost looked vintage.
"Open" it read, implying inside this house was a shop.
I ascended the stone steps, and gently turned the bronze, yet weathered knob.

Upon my entrance I was greeted by sights of a small boutique.
There were clothes with clever sayings,
And I felt the soul of a gypsy radiating from the shop and its merchandise.

I woman looked up from behind a cluttered counter.
She had thin, square glasses, and curly dark chocolate colored hair.
"Have you been here before?" She asked hastily, while focusing at the task at hand.

"No, I just felt compelled to stop in. I actually didn't even know this place existed... It's really..."
Before I finished my sentence she dropped what she was doing.
A huge, welcoming, grin graced her face.
She was beautiful.
She was not young, the lines edging her smile and her eyes told stories.
Stories of adventure, stories of lost love, stories of discovery.

She grabbed my shoulders and entered my soul through her gaze.
"Then you must come with me! Let me show you around!"
I couldn't oppose, and I felt intrigued.
Moving behind me, still keeping her hands on my shoulders she started to guide me to a set of narrow stairs.
Up we went.

The first room we went in was full of windows.
There were no curtains on the windows, sunlight was filling the room.
The worn, wooden, floors reflected the sunshine in a gorgeous way.
"Oh! It looks like the nosey, neighbor lady, finally shut her blinds!"
I was confused, and looked out the window.
There was a building next to the one we were in.
Close, but not too close. I could see a single window, blinds drawn.

She proceeded to tell me about the aged furniture that was in the room.
This furniture she was talking about as if they were antiques.
Each piece was labeled by year it was from, and owner.
The pieces weren't in good shape,
If anything they were falling apart.
All of the furniture had been owned by average people,
Some blankets were even that of a homeless man that had passed away.

She talked about each relic with pride and enthusiasm.
I began to think I had stumbled into a tucked away gem of an antique shop,
An odd one at that.
But I listened with care, and ease.

The next room she brought me in was full of more furniture,
No windows,
Just a single lamp.
Here, she told me that people could rent these rooms.
I then thought, "Bed and Breakfast?"

My nose led me to our final destination,
A kitchen.
Windows surrounded,
The ceiling was high,
The space was open, and modern.
It was warm with aromas that were more than inviting.

"Come smell this"
She took my hand and brought me to the stove,
A stew of sorts was bubbling.
She brought a spoonful up to my nose, and I inhaled with passion.
I smiled.
Not a word said.
Another woman, out of nowhere was behind me,
She grabbed my hips in a fit of lust, and started kissing my neck.
The curly haired beauty was still in front of me, her gaze still warm.
I felt safe,
Comfortable.
I let out a sigh of ecstasy,
"Oh Wow"

I woke up.
A dream.
Meaning that I need to start consciously focusing on parts of me that I have not yet uncovered.
A House with Many Rooms.

Kaleidoscopic Downpour

I am drenched in raindrops,
Each a different size, a different color, a different density.
I try to count them as they land on my skin, but lose track upwards of 333.
My eyes shut tightly as I turn my face to the dark, and angry sky.
She rages, but I find peace in her thunder.

The only sounds I hear are the pounding in my chest,
Mixed with the sounds of the pouring rain.
I am lost in its steady tempo,
A song I haven't heard yet.

Tilting my head back down, I open my eyes.
In front of me is a creek,
The raindrops dance on top of the water,
Merging into her body, and becoming part of her.
To my right there is a waterfall.

By now I can't differentiate the sounds of the rain and the roar of the falls.
The pounding in my chest grows louder and stronger.
My white shirt clung to my skin like paint.
My nipples peeking through.

My curly hair is drenched,
Dripping,
And I find myself closing my eyes and turning my sun kissed face back to the sky.

Slowly, I start to take my shirt off,
Throwing it on the ground, careless of the mud that now surrounds me.
I slip out of my skirt, and hang it on a nearby tree branch.

Before I know it my toes are at the water's edge,
And I am lost in the beauty of the moment.
To be here with you, would be breathtaking.

I wade into the water,
Warmer than I had anticipated, from the summer storm.
Inhaling deep, I hold my breath.
Submerged I become.
The sound of the rain and the song of the falls sound so different from under here.
It's much more quiet,
But equally as intriguing and peaceful.

I hold my breath until I feel faint.
Popping back to the surface, I gasp for air.
My lungs sting, but I smile.

I let the running water wash past my naked skin,
I feel fully encompassed and one with the universe in this moment.

Fast

Dance with me in sin,
Let the moonlight hit your freckled skin.
Let me get lost in your pale eyes,
My purest addiction,
My love's demise.

Creep with me into the night,
Our greatest fears are left behind.
Let's cherish this moment as our last,
Breathe me in,

Please end it fast.

Beautifully Torn

Dance with me in the moonlight,
Kiss me one last time.
Hold me in forever,
I fear the unknown loss,
How could one live with loss forever?

What is loss?
A torn connection never mended?
Like wings ripped from a butterfly.

I examine my hands,
The lines slowly becoming more defined,
Age is time that dances by.

I sing to strangers,
They feel my pain,
They feel my torn up soul...

I constantly wage this tug of war,
For fear of the unknown

She Was a Dreamer

She Sprinkled Stars in her Coffee,
and Sugar in her Sky.
Ate the Sweetest of the Clouds,
and Slept on Cherry Pie.

The Ocean ran through her veins,
as she Swam in a River made of Sweet Nothings

She was a Dreamer

Her Sunshine was a Lemon,
Placed gently in the Sky,
Her Moonlight was an Oyster's Pearl,
That seemed to Float on by.

She laughed with Hummingbirds,
And Danced with Morning Doves

She was a Dreamer

She befriended only Fairies,
That lived inside of Sunflowers,
Her laughter was painted Violet.
Her tears, were painted Gold.

Her words turned into Powdered Sugar,
And fell from her Lips like Snow.

She was a Dreamer.

Fireflies

The hours flew by,
I simply couldn't seem to catch them;
Though I chased them fiercely like fireflies in the night,
Like I was 9 again.

They slipped through my fingers,
Fluid,
Like water,
Like Love.

And here I am.
Time to close my eyes,
Time to welcome the night,
But my mind so wide awake...

Morning will approach sooner than I anticipate,
The sky will be a hue of pink and orange.
I will smile.
A routine I've missed, so picked back up.

My body sore from the activities of the night,
Of the weekend, truly.
My hands dry, from the work I've put in today.
Yet, a feeling of accomplishment washes over me.
I fear a test failed, twice
But I must persevere -
For life is about learning, and pushing on.

I miss summer nights,
Barefoot in the grass,
Chasing fireflies like tangible stars.
Grace bestowed upon me, for being innocent,
Love handed to me,
Taken out of what I thought was just supposed to be mine.

I remember her,
The girl that I used to be-
Wild and free,
Without a care in the world...
Part of her has died,
and part of her is lost at sea
But I am confident she will find her way back home,
She will someday be whole again.

She will chase the stars,
Keep them in a jar,
and set the fireflies free instead.

Spontaneous Soul Searching

Eyes and heart matching in weight,
Heavy,
Tired,
Questioning.

The last few nights were wonderful.
A young woman,
Surrounded by pure, radiant talent,
Pure, simple, positive energy.
She fed off of their light,
And they became a part of her.

She felt warmth,
Encompassed by the night.
Let inside,
Kindling flames.

She was now home,
Thinking about her life.
The many aspects of it.
No, one straight shot.
No, defined lines.
She craved structure,
But thrived off of free, flowing, spontaneity.

Her happiness subsided as she expolored the depths of her soul.
She examined each crevice,
Some of which excited her more than others.

She begged the universe for more energy,
More spark in her eyes,
More fire in her soul...
Like the fire she felt these past two days.
Like the fire she feels when being productive.
Like the fire that only one has been able to maintain.

But she felt empty,
Her soul, a cold desolate cave.

She would close her eyes and hope for a new beginning,
But she knew that she was the only one that could make it happen.

Dangerous Travel

Her eyes grew heavy,
Strained and tired.
A feeling she was far too familiar with.
It was early morning, but sleep was needed.
Her glance couldn't stop...
She was mesmerized by simple words,
Where separate would mean nothing,
But put together delicately, would mean the world.

She pulled the blanket up to her chin.
The cold air around her, made the hairs on her neck stand on point.
Nothing felt colder than her soul,
But in her soul, she found a flame.

She was already sick...
Her mind was dim, and her depression was an illness in itself.
But there was one illness she was sure to have, but if that didn't claim her,
She knew a tragedy would.

Curled in a ball
Somewhat resemblant of a half moon,
She begged the universe to hold her.

Her heartbeat was strong,
Her breathing was steady.
She would fall into a pattern of mindset,
Much like a movie.

She would travel in this moment.
To where?
She didn't know,
And that in itself was dangerous.

What would she say?

She didn't know where to begin.
Would lifetimes truly separate them until a new life was born?
Would it really not be in this lifetime that she found peace in what true love really was?
Sure she was reckless...
Sure she was a gypsy soul, never to be truly tied down...
But was her life just some sick movie of unrequited love?

Much to her dismay,
A fiction, all too close to reality, danced across the page in front of her.
Could this really be how it ends?

Chills encompassed her skin,
As she thought of all the scenerios that could play out.

She was young, but how short is life?
She was indecisive, but why?
What was she scared of?
What was she holding back from?
She asked these questions... But she truly knew.
Her notion of love was ripped away from her,
Thanks Dad.
She didn't truly believe in real, pure, unjudgemental love.
She just went through the motions,
Of what love is supposed to be.

First you're happy,
Then you grow to resent.
After all,
That's the course of love right?

She would be there,
The night of/the day after a number that slowly gets smaller.
Simply hoping that the bread crumbs led her down the right path.

Their unspoken rule of love.
Their undeniable lack of Justice.
How would she even be able to speak?
No answer was right,
No words could truly apologize for the agony and pain caused in the crossfire.
What would she say?
Would she have to say anything at all?

She is Insomnia

She sets in again,
My lifelong, alluring friend.
I toss and turn.

She wakes me in the night,
Or early, before the new sun rises.
She keeps me to herself,
In this purgatory hell.

I wish to close my eyes,
But open they remain.
My soul is restless,
Mind is racing...

I'm over her sick games.

Lesson in Honoring Myself

Days have passed and I find myself as two very different people.

One is a person who gives her all to another, asks for nothing in return, and as a consequence becomes resentful.

The other is a woman, blossoming and growing spiritually and mentally. She is loving of all that surrounds her, but most importantly has learned to honor herself.

It is a balancing act,
One of practice and concentration.
I know the healthier of the two.

I refuse to lose her,
Refuse to get so lost in another that I lose myself.
It has become routine, but recognized,
And now boundaries will be set.

Will it be easy?
Of course not...
But the best things in life are worth fighting for.

I close my eyes,
Set my intentions,
To honor myself.
To love myself.

Moment

One day of pure bliss,
One day of sinful adventures,
Three days of anxiety.

I wonder if I am stuck in my head,
Or if drifting is reality.
All is beautiful,
All grows,
But does all fade?

I meditate,
Room filling with incense smoke,
Mind cluttered,
But trying to clear.

I notice my breathing is shallow,
My heart is racing,
And my mind won't stop.

I focus,
Trying to declutter,
Trying to slow down,
Trying to be at peace.

Opposites

I rise with love,
She rises with angst

I rise with good intentions,
She rises with self-centered focus.

I rise with peace,
She rises distraught.

How can one wake with negativity,
When the day has just been born?

See you soon.

As my eyes closed,
The moon was huge.
Her glow was gorgeous and inviting.

As I slept she watched me in my sleep.
Whispering sweet nothings.

As I Rose,
She greeted me with her love,
And as I watched her become smaller
And further
Away...

She said
"I'll see you soon"

May

Before I know it I will be laying under a blanket of stars,
I will be kissed by the moon,
I will be held by the Earth
And welcomed by the universe.

May ,May bring clarity.

Lesson in Delusion

I stare at the stars and think,
"What a beautiful picture that has been painted for me"
I am happy in this moment,
But the moment quickly dissipates.

Our worldly happiness is based on delusion.
We are often chasing materialistic means of happiness,
And when gained,
We experience a jolt of momentary joy...
Pleasure.
Before we know it, we have fallen back into our baseline measure of happiness.

If the world was more mindful,
True happiness would thrive.
Beauty in all things would radiate,
Delusion, would dissolve.

There is a certain importance in acknowledging that delusion is a reality.
One that as a society we have become so keen on.
So comfortable with.

To awaken,
We must break free from our delusional and illogical mindset.
We must open the eyes to our souls.
We must embrace the fact that all which surrounds us is a façade.

Lesson in Curiosity

To be curious, is to remain young.
I recently read about a beginner mind versus an expert mind.
The beginner mind is curious, thus never bored.
The expert mind is stuck in routine, and often found bored.

There is one cure for boredom and that is curiosty, however there is no cure for curiosity.

When one is curious, she remains intrigued by the beauty in all that surrounds her.
She falls in love with the simple things,
And never takes for granted the smallest gesture or feeling.

I pray to remain always curious,
As the world is a place of beautiful things, beautiful people, and beautiful intentions.

Spring Sunrise

Waken by a whisper of the universe,
I gaze out my window and watch the beautiful sunirse.
Being so high above the earth allows me to appreciate the inexplicable.

I know the sun rises here,
As the stars still light up the sky in a foreign land.

This sunrise makes me want to star gaze,
Under the warmth of a blanket,
On a cool summer night.

I close my eyes.
Soon enough.
Spring bears Summer.

I will.

Eyes heavy,
Soul tired, but fulfilled.
I close my eyes,
And open my heart,
My mind,
My soul.
Leaving a gate open to my alternate reality,
Something so real, yet intangible.

I close my eyes ...
Looking forward to the conversations I will have with the Moon,
Her beauty,
As we bask in the night.

As the moments will pass us,
We will beg for it not to end,
But it will...
For we are only allotted one moment
In the near future,
As a glimpse
Into the inevitable one

We will get tangled in love,
Tainted with lust,
And lost in the here and now.
I will...
Even if just for one night.

Lesson in Love

Surrounded by the inevitable,
Yesterday was a day filled with Love.
Pure, blissful, mindless, Love.

I was reminded not once, not twice, but Six times that 'Love is Patient'
'Love is kind'

Each time, my heart sang,
A smile swept over my face.
Despite the clouds in the sky, and the dark hue of the remainder of Winter,
I knew Spring was here.

I will journey to a land familiar,
But distant.
I will sit down and listen.
I can't promise sanity,
But I can promise Love.

I am love.
I will always love.
Peace is love.

It is now the early hours of the morning,
My body covered ever so gently under numerous blankets.
I lay on my stomach,
Focusing on my breath.

I connect.
To the you, to the universe,
To myself.

I am here now,
And I am in love with all that surrounds me.
I will be patient, I will be kind.

Now I close my eyes for one last hour,
Soak in this moment,
Energize and thrive off of what is to come.

Lesson of Silence

After a long night, and an early morning
I reclined my car's driver seat back.
I had ten minutes to shut my eyes and enjoy the
Silence.

My body was tired, but I was doing what I love.
As I closed my eyes, the light of day graced my face,
Although cloudy, still not terribly dark.
Serenity took over my being.

I could hear the silence,
Understand the silence in a way I had not yet.
If you listen closely enough to silence, you can hear its many tones.
Its simple, yet beautiful song.

I felt still.
I felt comforted by the sound of empty air.
A smile snuck onto my lips.
This moment was peace.
This moment was joy.
This moment was love.
I felt whole.

Ten minutes felt like a lifetime.
I learned so much on my journey of Silence.
She is kind, she is warm and she is loving.
She does not judge, and she cares.

My lesson of Stillness was retaught,
As the silence swept over me.
I was happy.
I am happy.

Brief Prelude

Tonight I kiss the stars,
And thank the Universe for another day.
Lessons learned today,
The continued Patience,
A lesson of Listening,
And a lesson of Laughter.

Now I close my eyes,
Embrace what is to come,
Bring me to my alternate realm,
And let me see once more.

Lesson in Intuition

On point.
Two words that can describe my intuition lately.
Dreams, visions, and feelings all have been surfacing,
With no fault, no doubt, and undeniable results.

I have always been intuitive,
Sometimes I just based it on luck,
But lately my eyes have been open to the light that has been shed on my abilities.
I am blessed with a gift, that too many take for granted.

I will use my gift to help others,
To better understand myself,
and to better serve those around me.

As my busy day comes to a close,
I close my eyes,
Focus on my breathing,
And pray to the universe for another dream,
As my dreams have been vivid,
I've been revisiting my past,
While peeking into my future.

My life is whole today.
Tomorrow is a new day,
A new Lesson.

I will welcome her with open arms,
and keep my heart, soul, and mind open.

Lesson in Forgiveness

Two nights ago I dreamt deeply,
Of a "has been" friend,
Somebody that I had a beautiful bond with.
I think of her time to time,
I desire her friendship,
Her advice,
Her understanding,
Her love.

I was selfish,
As I seem to be faulted by,
And allowed myself to fall in love with her past.
I tried to explain,
To open her eyes,
But she distanced herself,
So far, but always "just a call away"

...until now.


It has been four years,
I've longed for her forgiveness and have not received it,
Despite her throwing out our friendship,
Despite her saying wicked things about my love,
I have forgiven her,
For her hatred, her ill will, and grudge against me.

Like her,
I search for understanding,
But I forgive those who do me wrong,
Like her,
I breathe in and hold my breath for a lighter day,
But I open my eyes...
I just wish she would see,
Life is too short,
Too precious,
To not be free,
Of hate,
Of distrust,
Of bitter taste.

New Day

We all suffer sometimes.
Today is a new day.
I embrace it.
I love.
I am loved.

Lesson in Anger

Stealing the light away from me,
I question why I stay.
I wonder if I am being used- more times than not now-a-days.
Nearly four years ago I was on cloud nine.
I had never felt so loved, so wonderful, so attended to...
I had found somebody so honest with me,
That accepted me for my flaws-
But now...
Now I question.
Is this a nightmare?
Is it my diagnosed depression?
One would say it's the chemical imbalance.
One might claim, I am delirious...
But now I am in darkness.

I see a light,
It's in my soul.
I fear the unknown- my fault.
I learn a lesson on containing, recognizing, acknowledging and dealing with Anger.
One of my hardest lessons, to date.
Thoughts that are buried away in the depths of my dark soul,
Tucked away in a corner,
Are coming to life.

Death doesn't seem so bad.
Anger- Just breathe through it.

Trying

It has been a trying few days,
But I am trying to stay sane.

I lay on my back, palms facing up, skin pressing against a hard floor with a thin mat in between.
A strong energy comes to me,
Takes my hand,
Hold on tight,
Begging me to come play in Wonderland for all of eternity.

I exhale,
I smile,
I know that time is molded by our intentions,
Molded by our love, our souls, and our desires

I end my day with a prayer
"Om Shanti Shanti Shanti, Om Peace Peace Peace"
I bow my head so that my mind and heart are closer to one another.

As my night comes to a close,
I open my mind,
Open my heart,
Open my soul-
To a realm I've traveled, but am still curious about,
To a realm where alternate realities become innate in our being.
I welcome the universe with whispers of joy.

I am still trying.

Lesson of Patience

I pull away,
A premonition comes true,
My tire light goes on, I pull into a large empty lot.
A hissing sound is loud from the passenger side of my car.
I ran over a nail, my tire is quickly deflating, and I am broke.
The past three days have been trying,
A friend distancing herself because of a "lover's" wishes,
A family member or two avoiding my calls,
Or so it seems,
The person I am in love with acting as if I am calling at an inconvenient time,
And a nearly stranger trying to claim part of my future relating to a passion of mine, coaching.

Nothing has seemed to go right this week.
A while ago I would've been angry.
Angry at myself, angry with the universe, screaming to the skies asking what I've done to deserve this,
But today...
Today is different.
Today I hear a voice whisper "This is a lesson"
The universe is trying to give me a lesson on patience.

I smile through the frustration, realizing that it could be worse.
Maybe I ran over a nail and got a flat tire so that I would miss a potential accident,
Maybe my calls were ignored to teach me how to handle discouraging moments on my own.
Maybe my friend has been distant so I can learn to appreciate peace, solitude, and have time to self reflect.
Maybe my love has been selfish so that I reflect on my own selfish tendencies.

Tomorrow I will rise early,
It has been a while,
I will head to the shop to get a new tire, then head straight to a local school, where I will substitute and feed my passion.
I will read in a park,
Spill my guts to another,
And teach once more at night,
Finally capping my day with mediation and yoga.

Knowing this is a lesson of patience is a step in the right direction,
Awakening the flame in my soul.
Learning to understand and be calm.
I will persist.
I will learn from all of this.

Seasons

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0A6TcsK80JA

Longer than normal.

Around 5:30pm
It sets in.
The worst, of the worst anxiety.
Something is wrong.
My heart races,
My body tingles,
Limbs go numb.
It must be linked,
To another.
I breathe,
Coming down
Is taking longer
Than normal.

Lesson of Stillness

For hours now I've thought of taking a blanket,
Laying under the newly born Spring night sky.
There is something comforting about Nature's embrace.
Silence fills my soul and my mind-
It is dangerous, yet inviting.

I am independent, but find myself needing something more.
This urge makes me feel 'needy' and I rebuke it.

My chest builds with anxiety as the hours pass through the night.
I find peace in the daylight, under the sun...
Under the largest flame we know of in our universe.

I feel as if my life is momentarily paused when I should be exceling.
My being craves a new lesson,
My soul searches for the lesson in being still.
Being still is something I've always struggled with.
I am a free spirit, floating with the waves of the ocean,
With the current of the wind.

Being still, my mind races more than ever.
And I wish it would slow down.
Like it does,
When I'm dancing,
Barefoot,
In the sunshine.

Hear Me.

Sitting on my beige carpet,
Legs crossed, breathing steady.
I smile.
I smile with intention, love, understanding and peace.
Two Buddha faces, eyes closed, a soft smile, are facing me.
An Egyptian Goddess spreads her wings, looking off into the distance.

The ebb and flow of my apartment in this very moment is serene.
A warm, yet cool, Spring breeze dances through my window and penetrates my clothes.
My eyes slide across words, Words I will forever hold dear to my heart.

I light incense- a flame catches and I watch the yellow, the red, and the blue tango.
Something so simple, yet so powerful.
A flame, a fire, a burning desire.

Having never understood until now,
What a connection meant.
Clarity strikes, and I am joyous.

The sun is calling my name from the outside,
Nature is begging me to come play, and I will.
A few responsibilities must be complete, but then I will be barefoot in the gas,
Singing to the Gods,
I will be embraced by the universe and her remarkable warmth.

I will dance in your name,
I will sing towards your realm,
Will you hear me?
I bet you will hear me.

Spiritual and Matrix Twins

This read made me feel beyond enlightened. Everything seems to make sense now. I figured I'd share it :

http://www.twinflamesigns.com/twin-flame-relationships-2/twin-flame-awakening-spiritual-twin-and-matrix-twin

Rediscover

Part Of Me

You are the breath in my lungs,
The passion in my soul,
The voice of reason in my head,
When I seem to lose control.

You are the goosebumps on my skin,
As the dawn of Spring sets in.
You are are the dreams of what's to come,
You are my smile, when time's rough.

We have become a part of each other,
A part of the Whole.
We are one with the universe,
Entagled are our souls.

So as I take steps,
To start my busy day.
I honor you, as part of me.
And pray that you will stay.

Six.

She wakes with a pounding in her skull.
Six hours over the course of three days is all it took.
Her jaw still tight, from subconsciously locking it in her sleep.
The sunlight peers through her window and she decides to cancel the first half of her day.
Typical some might say.
Words clutter her mind, she hears colors and feels time.

Time.

Six hours become a lifetime,
Six years become a moment, a blink of an eye.

She was told of the future,
Slightly altered by particular scenarios,
But a future at that.

Words were explored in depth,
Meanings came to light,
Reality began to set in.

This blonde haired girl, with emerald green eyes needed to Live.
She needed to live for the moment, the day, the week, the year.
All of this time she had just been going through the motions,
While she was stuck "living" in a dream of "what could have been"

She arches her neck and back in a deep stretch,
Feeling every inch of her naked body.
She holds her breath and counts to Six.
A new number,
She exhales.

Today she will walk.
Walk in the sunshine,
Walk with a purpose,
Walk while searching for a meaning!

She will find it in Herself,
She was her own worst enemy,
But eager to become her new best friend.
She must love herself in order to love others.
Her love for others has been a facade in the night,
For she never truly loved herself.

She will start with Six steps,
Six breaths,
Six positive thoughts a day.

Today she lets her life begin.
She begins to live for herself,
No one else.

Between the lines

Where are you now that I need you?
Why have I pushed and punished you...
Myself...
For years?

Understanding is a gorgeous trait.
One that you are so beautifully dressed in,
So delicately balancing,
And so willingly giving.

I sit on a curb,
Cold cement pressed against my pelvic bones,
Elbows on my knees,
Staring at this tiny, shattered screen.

The sun is kissing me while I exhale negativity,
My leather jacket and leather combat boots capturing the heat as if the sun were going on vacation.
I focus on my deep breathing,
Deep,
Hollow,
Strong,
Yet gentle.

I will live for me,
For others have time and time again taken advantage of my kindness.
I can be cruel, I can be fierce,
But overall I am loving.
Too loving.
I love all things, all people, all beings...
To fault.

I lie with this façade,
A jester at my own masquerade ball.
Dancing, twirling, and never removing the mask,
For fear of breaking the mystique.

Half tempted to walk,
Find my way,
Head back home a few hours early.
That would only seal my fate in this chapter...
A chapter I am unsure of the outcome.

The more I love,
The more I live,
The more I breathe,
The more I welcome the next book,
The next lifetime.

Two nights ago I came near death,
I nearly accepted it,
But something pulled me out.
My time here is not done quite yet,
But it will be in a short time.

My heart pounds,
The wind blows,
I am stuck,
Between the lines.

Born with a Curse

A pit in my stomach begins to form,
As words replay across my eyelids.
Words I've read for years ,
Words I've heard,
Words I've spoken...
Words I've kept tucked away in a beautiful little locket in the corner of my cluttered mind.

My heart begins to ache,
I fear the inevitable,
But it is what I deserve.

I was born into the life of a succubus.
Draining people's lives, from the love and passion they willingly give.
I was born with a curse,
Eyes set to kill,
A heart set to steal.

I dance with my memories,
Sing with my demons,
Make love to my hopes and dreams...
While accidentally, but knowingly stripping the comfort and confidence of another.

I will always whisper to the wind,
I will always look to the stars and fall in love with the winter moon.
I will always be one with the earth, and fall into her freeingly, warm embrace.

For connections cannot be broken,
They can only be pushed aside.
And I've accepted our demise.

Butterfly Wings

Sunshine creeps through my window,
A tiny window of two,
In a finished attic, as my bedroom.
The closer to the heavens I am when I sleep,
The more at peace my soul becomes.

My eyes are heavy,
But my soul is light.
Music reigns from my depths,
My feet hurt from dancing in my dreams!

I feel my lungs expand.
Only a few weeks until Spring is in her fullest.
Only a few months until I journey afar.
Only a few years left in this somber life,
I crave the journey to my next one.

For the most part I am joyous.
Traveling, discovering, loving.
Nights like last night, I am pulled closer to my demons,
Pulled closer to hell,
Pulled closer to my learned evils.

Falling from grace was my mistake,
I didn't always use to be this way,
Once I had wings like an angel.
Until one, ripped them off.
Like the wings of a vulnerable butterfly.
I have forgiven that devil of my past,
Though I fear I've become the devil of my present.

A beautifully dressed devil in lace.
My poisonous taste, so sweet.

But here I lay,
The sun warming my feet on my bed,
A nearly spring breeze kissing my cheek.
My soul searching in conflict,
The universe's purgatory.

Lying Passion

A quiet humming soothes my soul.
My body speaks volumes,
Yet I wrongly suppress its urges.

Creating a natural high off of meditation and channeling.
Embracing all of what surrounds me.
Positive energy struggles to surface,
But I keep trying to coax it from the depths of my inner hell.

What am I doing wrong?
I reflect on my past months and only one things continues to spark in my mind.
The same thing that has continued to haunt me for years.
Why rid of a beautiful disaster?

I yearn to see the sunset over rocky, red clay mountains.
I yearn to warmth of swimming in a natural spring.
I crave the sand between my toes,
And salty air in my lungs.

In my parallel universe I am there.
In my fictitious land.
Of only sunshine and warmth,
Fireflies and dancing,
Music and Muse.

Come embrace me sweet temptation,
For my passion lies in you.

Searching for Certainty

I sit at a desk made of glass,
Transparent, yet reflective.
Rays push through the clouds with struggle,
and light appears.

Artificial warmth penetrates my clothing,
I am wrapped in soft, loose, cotton.

The skyline before me is comprised of rooftops and branches.
A single mountain in the distance with a parallel top.
They seem to be frozen still,
begging that Spring comes soon.
So that life can restart,
 so that harmony can be sung.

Shadows dancing in the vague sunlight,
I've pushed off my travel, for uncertainty strikes.
But uncertainty always seems to be certain.
So I will search the skies today,
For an answer,
A destination, and a
Date.

To sip coffee in the warmth,
To bask in the sunlight,
Surrounded by clay mountains,
and the good company of the universe.

Lavender Pain

So, I'm falling again.
Addicted to the pain, and
the pleasure of the pain.
So delicate and intricate.
I often find my addictions
dancing in the moonlight together
Bones and Medication
I date them to acknowledge it.
Never have, Never will
They think of attention, when
in reality disease strikes.

I crave youth and beauty,
while chasing adventure.
I want to fly, and be as light as a feather.
Drifting in the wind.

Following the wisping of the tangerine clouds.
Floating in the lavender clouds.
Dancing in the fiery sunrise,
And making love in the jaded sunset.

Meet me in Haites with my demons,
and hold me in purgatory where the
warmth meets the bitter cold.

Contrast

The way the cold air surrounds my naked skin,
The way the warmth of this fire burns within,
The light that brings me to darker places,
I always wonder if I've made it.

The blue skies that dance with gray,
The summer rain that fades away...
I always wonder if you'd stay.
Some days I make my dying fate.

The way the grass peeks through the snow,
The way spring ends and summer flows.
The sand gets swept up by the waves,
But salty waters seem to place
It back on shore where she belongs,
This is my contrast, summer song.

The way the undertow pulls you in,
But spits you back to Earth again.
The stars they shine, mid summer's day.
I find myself just wondering,
If you would stay.

To Hell and Back

I've lost touch momentarily,
But I find myself rediscovering my spirit much more easily.
It is like a mini vacation to the depths of hell when I lose touch,
But when I rediscover it's like a vast paradise of sunshine and exotic sights.

I crawl out of hell, hands bleeding from the journey,
To feel beautifully numb in the presence of the Eternal.

I mask my journies in the present,
For they are my past...
A simple lesson, beautifully jaded.

I inquire about the seasons to a hummingbird.
She seems as of she is back north far too soon.
She tells me that where she went, she saw sights of mystery and intrigue.
She urges me to go there,
But with caution.
I accept her words,
Only a few more months until I break free,
Yet again.

Love Her

I find comfort in the whisper of the warming Spring wind.
She teases me while tempting me to travel tremendously.
I can only close my eyes and allow her to have her way with my bare skin.
She graces my skin,
Gently touching me,
My skin produces goosebumps.

She is calling me by the moonlight,
A warning strikes through the night sky.
Pulling in two directions.
Always.

I promise to one, the eternity of a connection
I promise myself the eternal life of reincarnation
I promise the pixies in the forest that I will dance.

Dance with the gnomes,
Dance with the fairies.
Dance with the wild being of the universe.

I open my eyes,
Laying on these warm sheets,
While the cool, nearly Spring breeze kisses me.
I am here.
I am now.
I am the universe.
And I love her.

Eternal Mountains

Are we two in the same?
Are two souls simply melted and fused into one?
Like metal welded together,
The shine engulfs the seem.

Gathering information through the cosmos,
My journey continues.
Five months until a west coast journey.
Five months until I gaze into a sea of Blue,
Into mountains of Amber and Clay.

I will be dancing barefoot on the cracked ground of a desert,
Baking in the sun,
Sweating out passion,
For my love is eternal.