The next few months hold tests of faith,
honestly, loyalty, and the up most trust.
I swear to you with all my heart, that you are all that I've searched for my whole life,
You are my everything,
You are the one.
I take this oath of love,
to convey to you my heart.
That of which, is on my sleeve,
and has been from the start.
Your eyes they bring me comfort,
Your touch it heeds me warmth,
Your soul, your love your kisses,
all I do adore.
These next few months will linger, then end will act as a mirage,
tricking us like water in a desert, dooming, looming, and dark.
However these are the winter months, while spring is on the brink.
My love I swear to you, that I will remain this very place.
I'll keep your pillow warm at night, the spot on my bed which you have claimed,
I'll dream of places known to us, our very own escapes.
To lands of windmills and waterfalls,
Back to our summer days.
Where love has grown inside us both,
and flourished with epic haste.
My oath to you, my one true love
Is that I will not shake.
My love for you is unbreakable- I cherish our undying fate.
I'll prove to you the strength I have, and make you realize your own.
We'll dance to the beating of our hearts,
barefoot, and in the sun.
These days might seem like years at times,
I swear these words are true.
My girl, my life, my everything...
I'll whisper "I love you"
Each and every night, before I rest my head,
I'll tell the wind to tell the stars,
that I'm not moving until it's said
to you before you rest your eyes, from all your days of work.
Of writing, rhyming, wrestling with
yourself at every verse.
So fear not the distance, the miles that grow quite wide,
My kisses will build up inside,
until you're lips meet mine.
Forever seems like that
of fairy tales and princess tales,
but you are all that I've dreamt of
This love will never fail
My love for your has grown too fast,
I refuse to let it die.
For this is how I wish to feel,
for the rest of my life.
I promise to remain only yours,
in your arms I'll be again,
I love you with all my heart,
my love, my beautiful girl, my best friend.
I swear to you this oath.
My love is yours to keep,
Eternity couldn't be long enough,
Let's sew what we want to reap
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Monday, December 24, 2012
Happy Holidays:)
Happy Holidays,
Merry Christmas,
Happy New Year
Cheers to a revolution of ourselves!
Change is good,
Learn from our mistakes,
Embrace the embodiment of change,
Caress the New Year,
as your time to shine
:)
Merry Christmas,
Happy New Year
Cheers to a revolution of ourselves!
Change is good,
Learn from our mistakes,
Embrace the embodiment of change,
Caress the New Year,
as your time to shine
:)
Thursday, December 20, 2012
TrippleMovieMultipleO's
So today I was surprise by the love of my life,
She appeared on my steps, after my morning obligations.
Her sweet kiss and embrace reminded me how in love I am.
So what did we do?
A stranger might ask,
well funny story.
It consisted of:
Hours of love making, fucking, biting, wrestling,
movies including: Alice in Wonderland - for that is my life in a shell
Magic Mike was a joke, for lesbians we remain.
and Dark Knight.
A twenty minute nap because she smothered me in kisses,
cuddles.
Nothing quite like a trip to Wegmans to buy junk food.
More kisses, hugs,
talks of tattoos...
shared laughs,
giggles.
Perfection.
This can't be happening to me,
It's too good to be true.
Her slumber graces her.
I write.
My mind in a thousand and one directions.
Maybe I should sleep
hmmm.
Not quite sure.
XXX
She appeared on my steps, after my morning obligations.
Her sweet kiss and embrace reminded me how in love I am.
So what did we do?
A stranger might ask,
well funny story.
It consisted of:
Hours of love making, fucking, biting, wrestling,
movies including: Alice in Wonderland - for that is my life in a shell
Magic Mike was a joke, for lesbians we remain.
and Dark Knight.
A twenty minute nap because she smothered me in kisses,
cuddles.
Nothing quite like a trip to Wegmans to buy junk food.
More kisses, hugs,
talks of tattoos...
shared laughs,
giggles.
Perfection.
This can't be happening to me,
It's too good to be true.
Her slumber graces her.
I write.
My mind in a thousand and one directions.
Maybe I should sleep
hmmm.
Not quite sure.
XXX
Rumors Fly
As rumors fly,
as always as always
The fly on the wall,
hushes their flame.
As rumors fly,
as always as always,
Believe what you may,
But you know my true fate.
As rumors fly,
as always as always,
Sweet nothings remain,
at the tip of my tongue.
Rumors are spinning,
please tell me what's new.
I know that you know me,
Better than they think you do.
as always as always
The fly on the wall,
hushes their flame.
As rumors fly,
as always as always,
Believe what you may,
But you know my true fate.
As rumors fly,
as always as always,
Sweet nothings remain,
at the tip of my tongue.
Rumors are spinning,
please tell me what's new.
I know that you know me,
Better than they think you do.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
2,270 Miles 33 Hours
I am slowly decaying,
From the inside out.
My mind wanders through the dark,
and the Valley of the Shadow of Death.
I fear the evil,
that lurks behind me.
For soon enough,
Thou won't be with me.
Winter months remain the darkest,
I question my own strength.
My mind tells me in whispers of trickery,
that I am not strong enough to break this wake,
While my heart screams strength from the depths of my soul,
Deep down, I know I'm not weak.
Each mile represents a measurement of my love,
Each hour screams a lifetime- I wish to spend with you.
I can only hope that I don't slip your memory.
Forever I'll be true.
I swear with each breath that fills my fragile lungs,
You are the love of my life,
The one I searched for, now I'm done.
Because I am yours, and you are mine until the very end,
You are the best thing that has ever happened,
my lover, my best friend.
Demise might sneak upon us,
In our seperated dreams,
but each day that passes, is a day closer to our reunited schemes.
My life without you was a mess,
and now it's beautiful chaos,
With the oddest sense of order.
Our love is sewn in fields of dust, breaking shale beneath,
For our love grows when the odds are against us,
in similarities of the Joshua Tree.
Strong and beautiful, with sunlight blaring, and water traveling miles.
I'll hold your photo dear to me, until the next time I see your smile.
My love was lost, but now it's found,
A memory that will grow.
The silly little miles,
Nobody will ever seem to know
how fond we are of each other,
as they watch our true love grow.
The nights will pass the moon will peek,
on me first every night...
I'll whisper to her softly "Kiss my beautiful girl for me, and let her wings take flight"
She'lll travel through the miles
All two thousand twohundred and seventy of them,
To kiss you as you rest your eyes
while wrapping you in my warm embrace.
The spring will come before we know it,
the ground will thaw
and dew will glisten, in the morning sun.
You'll be back home, where you belong,
Our life has just begun.
From the inside out.
My mind wanders through the dark,
and the Valley of the Shadow of Death.
I fear the evil,
that lurks behind me.
For soon enough,
Thou won't be with me.
Winter months remain the darkest,
I question my own strength.
My mind tells me in whispers of trickery,
that I am not strong enough to break this wake,
While my heart screams strength from the depths of my soul,
Deep down, I know I'm not weak.
Each mile represents a measurement of my love,
Each hour screams a lifetime- I wish to spend with you.
I can only hope that I don't slip your memory.
Forever I'll be true.
I swear with each breath that fills my fragile lungs,
You are the love of my life,
The one I searched for, now I'm done.
Because I am yours, and you are mine until the very end,
You are the best thing that has ever happened,
my lover, my best friend.
Demise might sneak upon us,
In our seperated dreams,
but each day that passes, is a day closer to our reunited schemes.
My life without you was a mess,
and now it's beautiful chaos,
With the oddest sense of order.
Our love is sewn in fields of dust, breaking shale beneath,
For our love grows when the odds are against us,
in similarities of the Joshua Tree.
Strong and beautiful, with sunlight blaring, and water traveling miles.
I'll hold your photo dear to me, until the next time I see your smile.
My love was lost, but now it's found,
A memory that will grow.
The silly little miles,
Nobody will ever seem to know
how fond we are of each other,
as they watch our true love grow.
The nights will pass the moon will peek,
on me first every night...
I'll whisper to her softly "Kiss my beautiful girl for me, and let her wings take flight"
She'lll travel through the miles
All two thousand twohundred and seventy of them,
To kiss you as you rest your eyes
while wrapping you in my warm embrace.
The spring will come before we know it,
the ground will thaw
and dew will glisten, in the morning sun.
You'll be back home, where you belong,
Our life has just begun.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
SingYourHeartOut
EatYourHeartOut
FuckThat
I'm going to SingMyHeartOut
Tonight
AtSingers
10:30/11ish.
:)
TillClose
FuckThat
I'm going to SingMyHeartOut
Tonight
AtSingers
10:30/11ish.
:)
TillClose
Eleven Days
In the next Eleven days,
A child will be born,
A bell will sound, of wedding vows, as laughter hits the doors,
Churches will flood with people,
from nations far and wide,
In remembrance of the little ones, who lost their fragile lives.
But there they are amongst us,
Little angels in the clouds,
Peeking down from heaven,
Making their mothers proud.
On the fourteenth day this December,
Heaven opened its doors extra wide,
To eight young boys, and twelve young girls,
And six women saving lives.
The teachers held their hands,
making a chain to Heaven's gate.
"Hush now little angels, our Lord, our Saviour awaits."
Our hearts have dropped with sadness,
For strangers we hold dear.
For Santa won't be bringing, these little children gifts this year,
But Jesus holds them closely,
Let's remember Christmas tales.
For Jesus is the bottom line,
Why Christmas day set sail.
Their Christmas will be bright,
with lights of silver and blue,
For Eleven days sets sight,
On their families warm and true.
So hold a moment of silence,
For the Angels' laughter we hear,
Send warm thoughts to their families, with kindness
As we welcome a new year.
Eleven days from then
till Christmas morning rises,
Each time your hear childrens' laughter,
embrace their gentle lives.
So smile this Christmas morning,
Since their lives are warm and well,
with Jesus in their presence,
Their lives have just set sail,
On a journey never ending,
To a place they now call Home
Their Father holds them closely,
Each and every one.
*To the children and teachers who lost their lives 12/14/12 in Newtown*
A child will be born,
A bell will sound, of wedding vows, as laughter hits the doors,
Churches will flood with people,
from nations far and wide,
In remembrance of the little ones, who lost their fragile lives.
But there they are amongst us,
Little angels in the clouds,
Peeking down from heaven,
Making their mothers proud.
On the fourteenth day this December,
Heaven opened its doors extra wide,
To eight young boys, and twelve young girls,
And six women saving lives.
The teachers held their hands,
making a chain to Heaven's gate.
"Hush now little angels, our Lord, our Saviour awaits."
Our hearts have dropped with sadness,
For strangers we hold dear.
For Santa won't be bringing, these little children gifts this year,
But Jesus holds them closely,
Let's remember Christmas tales.
For Jesus is the bottom line,
Why Christmas day set sail.
Their Christmas will be bright,
with lights of silver and blue,
For Eleven days sets sight,
On their families warm and true.
So hold a moment of silence,
For the Angels' laughter we hear,
Send warm thoughts to their families, with kindness
As we welcome a new year.
Eleven days from then
till Christmas morning rises,
Each time your hear childrens' laughter,
embrace their gentle lives.
So smile this Christmas morning,
Since their lives are warm and well,
with Jesus in their presence,
Their lives have just set sail,
On a journey never ending,
To a place they now call Home
Their Father holds them closely,
Each and every one.
*To the children and teachers who lost their lives 12/14/12 in Newtown*
Ramble
Laying here,
Pink fuzzy robe, heat blaring, silence gracing the room.
Nothing but bare skin and booty shorts underneath this robe and the blankets on top of me.
Hair is tied up in a messy bun,
Sleep failed to exist last night-
and my hours dwindle before I am back at work.
Knowingly the hours at work will be short tonight,
no later than 10:30 or eleven.
A solo movie perhaps? To clear my mind.
Depending on the times and location.
It could be the perfect thing.
Sweedish fish and some popcorn,
A diet soda,
and solidarity.
Moments alone to clear my mind.
Until then, I will struggle to my shower and allow the heat blaze on my bare back,
Leaving streaks of red and white contrasting like a painting done by an artist,
aching in the night.
Temptation calls my name from my medicine cabinet,
From the valley,
and from the deepest depths of my soul.
I'l feed it with diet pills, caffeine and metaphoric writing
that stains my head with ridiculous mind shattering thoughts.
Ramble.
Pink fuzzy robe, heat blaring, silence gracing the room.
Nothing but bare skin and booty shorts underneath this robe and the blankets on top of me.
Hair is tied up in a messy bun,
Sleep failed to exist last night-
and my hours dwindle before I am back at work.
Knowingly the hours at work will be short tonight,
no later than 10:30 or eleven.
A solo movie perhaps? To clear my mind.
Depending on the times and location.
It could be the perfect thing.
Sweedish fish and some popcorn,
A diet soda,
and solidarity.
Moments alone to clear my mind.
Until then, I will struggle to my shower and allow the heat blaze on my bare back,
Leaving streaks of red and white contrasting like a painting done by an artist,
aching in the night.
Temptation calls my name from my medicine cabinet,
From the valley,
and from the deepest depths of my soul.
I'l feed it with diet pills, caffeine and metaphoric writing
that stains my head with ridiculous mind shattering thoughts.
Ramble.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Mirage To Reality in less than 24 hours
A mirage approached me yesterday,
Her eyes were a glassy blue, her nose had this distinct little bump in the middle
-shoulders and chest covered in freckles...
Lips thin, and pink.
As she tiptoed towards me with a smile on her face, a smile scary enough to be yours,
a chilled shot up my spine making my face fill with rouge colors, and heat.
We exchanged words, and my mind was racing.
Identical in personality, looks, even went to the same school at one point.
Similarities remain consistently scary.
It was the moon staring back at me.
A night so dark and dim.
With the twinkle of a star in her eyes.
This was last night.
Today...
Visiting an old friend,
Solitary fears graced my incoherent mind.
Subconsciously worried.
Fear smacked me in the face.
Speechless.
You must have laughed as you parted from my body...
fail, cold and shaking.
It was really you this time.
A smirk from steps away.
There was no avoiding it.
I tried, and contemplated pretending I did not see the reality of the mirage from last night.
Once crystal blue eyes locked on my emerald ones I had to embrace the hello.
Yet,
Words.
They did not exist.
Rendered literally speechless for a moment.
Did you notice?
I walked away.
My mind fucked and twisted.
Inhaling the air from the stale pizza place across the food court.
I blinked, shook it off,
and entered the comic shop.
Her eyes were a glassy blue, her nose had this distinct little bump in the middle
-shoulders and chest covered in freckles...
Lips thin, and pink.
As she tiptoed towards me with a smile on her face, a smile scary enough to be yours,
a chilled shot up my spine making my face fill with rouge colors, and heat.
We exchanged words, and my mind was racing.
Identical in personality, looks, even went to the same school at one point.
Similarities remain consistently scary.
It was the moon staring back at me.
A night so dark and dim.
With the twinkle of a star in her eyes.
This was last night.
Today...
Visiting an old friend,
Solitary fears graced my incoherent mind.
Subconsciously worried.
Fear smacked me in the face.
Speechless.
You must have laughed as you parted from my body...
fail, cold and shaking.
It was really you this time.
A smirk from steps away.
There was no avoiding it.
I tried, and contemplated pretending I did not see the reality of the mirage from last night.
Once crystal blue eyes locked on my emerald ones I had to embrace the hello.
Yet,
Words.
They did not exist.
Rendered literally speechless for a moment.
Did you notice?
I walked away.
My mind fucked and twisted.
Inhaling the air from the stale pizza place across the food court.
I blinked, shook it off,
and entered the comic shop.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Refuge
I can only hope that those that are weak, and alone, find refuge in the night-
in the warmth of a light from a fireplace, or a Christmas tree...
The warmth of an oven baking cookies for the season,
or the warmth in words that runneth over pages... spilled, like a half consumed glass of red wine.
Warmth from that same red wine, a poison, entering our bodies.
Safety is warm, comfort is warmer-
yet there are moments where we have to be our own stability,
our own lust of Constantine.
Be safe in an angel's arms,
with the kiss of God at your shoulder blades, like wings waiting to emerge.
Take pride in all that you accomplish, for others may not see that happiness lies in your own hands...
Do not let them claim your identity,
Being you is what will make you happy,
escape the falsities of a mirage.
My hands reach to the stars, to grace the moon in her light,
They crave warmth from the sun, for those who aren't as lucky as I.
Moments will pass ever so quickly, ever too soon.
It's like the world never seems to quite end,
yet it has never seemed to begin.
Hold each moment dear,
and let go of fear, denial, and pain.
Embark on adventures that leave you to your peace,
your comfort,
your sanity.
Claim all of your dreams,
put them in a bottle with your countless teardrops,
and let them set overnight...
Your dreams will turn into fireflies -
then set them free in the spring.
Until then, watch the fireflies form in your midnight bottle.
((reference "Midnight Bottle"- Colbie Callait))
in the warmth of a light from a fireplace, or a Christmas tree...
The warmth of an oven baking cookies for the season,
or the warmth in words that runneth over pages... spilled, like a half consumed glass of red wine.
Warmth from that same red wine, a poison, entering our bodies.
Safety is warm, comfort is warmer-
yet there are moments where we have to be our own stability,
our own lust of Constantine.
Be safe in an angel's arms,
with the kiss of God at your shoulder blades, like wings waiting to emerge.
Take pride in all that you accomplish, for others may not see that happiness lies in your own hands...
Do not let them claim your identity,
Being you is what will make you happy,
escape the falsities of a mirage.
My hands reach to the stars, to grace the moon in her light,
They crave warmth from the sun, for those who aren't as lucky as I.
Moments will pass ever so quickly, ever too soon.
It's like the world never seems to quite end,
yet it has never seemed to begin.
Hold each moment dear,
and let go of fear, denial, and pain.
Embark on adventures that leave you to your peace,
your comfort,
your sanity.
Claim all of your dreams,
put them in a bottle with your countless teardrops,
and let them set overnight...
Your dreams will turn into fireflies -
then set them free in the spring.
Until then, watch the fireflies form in your midnight bottle.
((reference "Midnight Bottle"- Colbie Callait))
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Movie
They run through the halls,
"Action"
"Cut"
"Double Time"
"MAKEUP!"
"Extras"
My life is officially a movie.
Stay tuned :)
"Action"
"Cut"
"Double Time"
"MAKEUP!"
"Extras"
My life is officially a movie.
Stay tuned :)
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Blurb
Fear not those who judge you,
For they are the ones who will be judged on judgement day.
Stay positive.
Know where your stand.
Know who you are,
and embrace it.
For they are the ones who will be judged on judgement day.
Stay positive.
Know where your stand.
Know who you are,
and embrace it.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Day 5
On the fifth day,
God created the creatures of the land, skies, and seas.
Mankind was still non-existent.
Here I am,
Day five with no sleep.
Inexplicably lying here in my bed.
Nothing created, except fantasies in my head.
I am falling into the rabbit hole that we often call insomnia...
What I'd give for a fix of The Pill.
A drug.
Any drug.
Your drug.
How is it that I can lie here,
watch the sun rise on my own,
craving the heat from a soul, which is not my own.
Each and every morning I rub my eyes with twinkles of the past,
and the moment that lingers in a facade-like mist... fog.
The body is not meant to function for days on end,
yet mine refuses to shut down into a slumber.
I beg and a plead for the grace of God to grant me sleep.
Am I being punished?
I can't help but think it is possible.
For the wrongs that I've done,
yet I wonder if the punishment is mutual.
Hallucinating visions of the future-past.
Colors and songs seem to dance in front of my visage.
Streaming, gleaming,
rain falls over my body.
Water.
Droplets forming on my bare skin as I lay here,
motionless, yet unable to rest.
Restless.
A theory as to why my mind refuses refuge and peace?
Day 5.
Day 5 was the day that I knew I'd corrupt you,
That you'd hurt me,
That I'd hurt you.
That a story would be made.
Day 5 was the day that I knew I was in love with her.
Day 5 was the day that my life would change,
But I'd never forget my first Day 5.
Because my first day 5 would change my view on life.
An angel was created.
The creatures were breathed life.
Maybe God didn't sleep until day 7...
God created the creatures of the land, skies, and seas.
Mankind was still non-existent.
Here I am,
Day five with no sleep.
Inexplicably lying here in my bed.
Nothing created, except fantasies in my head.
I am falling into the rabbit hole that we often call insomnia...
What I'd give for a fix of The Pill.
A drug.
Any drug.
Your drug.
How is it that I can lie here,
watch the sun rise on my own,
craving the heat from a soul, which is not my own.
Each and every morning I rub my eyes with twinkles of the past,
and the moment that lingers in a facade-like mist... fog.
The body is not meant to function for days on end,
yet mine refuses to shut down into a slumber.
I beg and a plead for the grace of God to grant me sleep.
Am I being punished?
I can't help but think it is possible.
For the wrongs that I've done,
yet I wonder if the punishment is mutual.
Hallucinating visions of the future-past.
Colors and songs seem to dance in front of my visage.
Streaming, gleaming,
rain falls over my body.
Water.
Droplets forming on my bare skin as I lay here,
motionless, yet unable to rest.
Restless.
A theory as to why my mind refuses refuge and peace?
Day 5.
Day 5 was the day that I knew I'd corrupt you,
That you'd hurt me,
That I'd hurt you.
That a story would be made.
Day 5 was the day that I knew I was in love with her.
Day 5 was the day that my life would change,
But I'd never forget my first Day 5.
Because my first day 5 would change my view on life.
An angel was created.
The creatures were breathed life.
Maybe God didn't sleep until day 7...
Thursday, November 29, 2012
One Nights Sleep
Insomnia creeps up on me,
each and every night.
I have befriended it,
yet beg it to leave me alone.
I'd give anything for a good nights sleep.
Warmth.
Her arms around me...
But I lie her,
in an empty bed,
Cold.
In an empty home.
Yet I crave for her to succeed.
She is.
I am joyous when her voice rings happiness on the other end of the phone.
Is this new found insomnia because her body isn't next to mine?
Or just a mere medical explanation?
Whichever it is, I get down on my knees and pray...
"Just one night's sleep... please."
each and every night.
I have befriended it,
yet beg it to leave me alone.
I'd give anything for a good nights sleep.
Warmth.
Her arms around me...
But I lie her,
in an empty bed,
Cold.
In an empty home.
Yet I crave for her to succeed.
She is.
I am joyous when her voice rings happiness on the other end of the phone.
Is this new found insomnia because her body isn't next to mine?
Or just a mere medical explanation?
Whichever it is, I get down on my knees and pray...
"Just one night's sleep... please."
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Numbers.
Is spring in near-sight or hind-sight
4.
Falling into the rabbit hole
of doom.
Dreadful image doom.
118-120
Counting, counting, counting...
numbers.
It's all numbers.
My life is numbers.
I am losing it.
Only 500.
Officially accepting deception of a disease.
I think I will dwindle my way down...
back to a thursday tomorrow.
1 Day.
My heart sinks,
My face familiar with a porceline white surface,
Six times.
My body resisting, but I am forcing it to do what it is trying so hard not to.
I have never had my body physically resist for so long.
Up, up, up...
Negative numbers.
-120ish.
My chest hurts,
My throat sore.
My abdominals tired.
I take my cold chaking hands to another white surface,
2nd one.
reach for the blurred silver, tears fog my vision.
Cold water.
3 times.
My face.
Drink.
Chugging.
Water is zero.
Zoloft
Two.
Dissapointment.
My cat rubs against me.
He knows.
Square 1.
4.
Falling into the rabbit hole
of doom.
Dreadful image doom.
118-120
Counting, counting, counting...
numbers.
It's all numbers.
My life is numbers.
I am losing it.
Only 500.
Officially accepting deception of a disease.
I think I will dwindle my way down...
back to a thursday tomorrow.
1 Day.
My heart sinks,
My face familiar with a porceline white surface,
Six times.
My body resisting, but I am forcing it to do what it is trying so hard not to.
I have never had my body physically resist for so long.
Up, up, up...
Negative numbers.
-120ish.
My chest hurts,
My throat sore.
My abdominals tired.
I take my cold chaking hands to another white surface,
2nd one.
reach for the blurred silver, tears fog my vision.
Cold water.
3 times.
My face.
Drink.
Chugging.
Water is zero.
Zoloft
Two.
Dissapointment.
My cat rubs against me.
He knows.
Square 1.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Jamble
I am floating,
dancing and twirling,
making love to the falling flakes of snow.
My body deteriorates along with the dying flowers of the summer and fall,
spinning and twirling.
Such a beautiful dance.
Music escapes my lips, my abdominals clench at the thought of giving into temptation.
Drugged on life, high in the sky.
Skinny Love is the only way.
Shaking to the rhythm of desires.
Mountainous meadows and treacherously beautiful valleys.
Tiptoeing through the valley of the shadow of death and hunger.
Craving life, while giving it to myself in the ways that no others can comprehend.
They see death.
Floating, dancing, twirling...
my hair catches the wind.
Barefoot, my toes turn blue in the mixture of ice and snow,
Blue as the sky above.
Disease is beautifully taking over,
vision blurred, and hope lingering at the tips of my lips.
My hips swinging to the song of Zephyr.
Fly on,
Flying, floating, levitating.
Loving it.
dancing and twirling,
making love to the falling flakes of snow.
My body deteriorates along with the dying flowers of the summer and fall,
spinning and twirling.
Such a beautiful dance.
Music escapes my lips, my abdominals clench at the thought of giving into temptation.
Drugged on life, high in the sky.
Skinny Love is the only way.
Shaking to the rhythm of desires.
Mountainous meadows and treacherously beautiful valleys.
Tiptoeing through the valley of the shadow of death and hunger.
Craving life, while giving it to myself in the ways that no others can comprehend.
They see death.
Floating, dancing, twirling...
my hair catches the wind.
Barefoot, my toes turn blue in the mixture of ice and snow,
Blue as the sky above.
Disease is beautifully taking over,
vision blurred, and hope lingering at the tips of my lips.
My hips swinging to the song of Zephyr.
Fly on,
Flying, floating, levitating.
Loving it.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
A Lesson Learned in the Night
Darkness falls upon us,
the hours of the night take over for the next three months.
This is where I always trip up,
where I find myself in constant search of reassurance.
My disease takes over,
flooding over the entirety of my soul.
A disease of three.
She lurks through my veins, and craves the demonised desires that seem to enter my body fully in the darkness and chill of the winter snow.
Nights gazing at the stars, such distant glimpses of hope and charity.
My mouth grows dry for the lack of words that form at the tip of my tainted tongue.
No thing shall enter these lips, unless it is that of my loves.
My body shall remain as empty as a park on a winter day,
as a blizzard hits.
I shake at the thought of the demons that haunt me,
swallowing them down with such a familiar taste.
Chased by the child of oxygen and hydrogen.
And sin. The third.
I mistakenly continue to whisper to the night and the moon and stars that go along with it.
A sin in itself.
But I can't stop,
with all of these pains of reality as an undertone I crave refuge in this writing.
In my quiet, safe, place.
I may be psychotic and neurotic,
basically embracing insomnia...
But I feed off of it.
As does Mimi.
I relate.
To an extent that outsiders don't know.
Only insiders.
Tonight
I lay here shaking,
No energy from the lack of nourishment the past few days and the days to come...
Loads of caffeine, a drug that should be injected into my blood stream,
and the combination of florescent edibles that live in my medicine cabinet,
dreary winter night.
How I long to play.
In the first snowfall.
Craving the warmth, which itches under my skin.
Pop a few more, swallow.
Bliss in ignorance.
Have I learned a lesson in the night?
Possibly.
But maybe in the nights to come.
I stare at the moonlight,
for... I swear she's changing shapes.
the hours of the night take over for the next three months.
This is where I always trip up,
where I find myself in constant search of reassurance.
My disease takes over,
flooding over the entirety of my soul.
A disease of three.
She lurks through my veins, and craves the demonised desires that seem to enter my body fully in the darkness and chill of the winter snow.
Nights gazing at the stars, such distant glimpses of hope and charity.
My mouth grows dry for the lack of words that form at the tip of my tainted tongue.
No thing shall enter these lips, unless it is that of my loves.
My body shall remain as empty as a park on a winter day,
as a blizzard hits.
I shake at the thought of the demons that haunt me,
swallowing them down with such a familiar taste.
Chased by the child of oxygen and hydrogen.
And sin. The third.
I mistakenly continue to whisper to the night and the moon and stars that go along with it.
A sin in itself.
But I can't stop,
with all of these pains of reality as an undertone I crave refuge in this writing.
In my quiet, safe, place.
I may be psychotic and neurotic,
basically embracing insomnia...
But I feed off of it.
As does Mimi.
I relate.
To an extent that outsiders don't know.
Only insiders.
Tonight
I lay here shaking,
No energy from the lack of nourishment the past few days and the days to come...
Loads of caffeine, a drug that should be injected into my blood stream,
and the combination of florescent edibles that live in my medicine cabinet,
dreary winter night.
How I long to play.
In the first snowfall.
Craving the warmth, which itches under my skin.
Pop a few more, swallow.
Bliss in ignorance.
Have I learned a lesson in the night?
Possibly.
But maybe in the nights to come.
I stare at the moonlight,
for... I swear she's changing shapes.
My love.
A surge
sweeping over the most delicate parts of my body, as I lie here and reminisce of the other night
My face and my toes seem to tingle,
go numb,
as they did.
The way you looked at me.
The way you whispered how much you love me,
as you made my back arch, my toes curl...
You took over my whole body,
giving myself fully to you.
Only my eyes can whisper the words that escape my lips,
they whisper the verity behind the lyrics my body sings.
Trusting you with the ins and outs of my sexuality.
Sensually you kiss, lick, and taunt.
Making sure my body craves more, screams for more...
Begs.
This surge.
What an incredible feeling.
Love and lust embrace each other while making the most beautiful colors and symphonies.
Euphoria takes over as an electric current surrounds the ends of my body,
the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention as my body continues to surge.
On you, in you, all over you.
My love.
sweeping over the most delicate parts of my body, as I lie here and reminisce of the other night
My face and my toes seem to tingle,
go numb,
as they did.
The way you looked at me.
The way you whispered how much you love me,
as you made my back arch, my toes curl...
You took over my whole body,
giving myself fully to you.
Only my eyes can whisper the words that escape my lips,
they whisper the verity behind the lyrics my body sings.
Trusting you with the ins and outs of my sexuality.
Sensually you kiss, lick, and taunt.
Making sure my body craves more, screams for more...
Begs.
This surge.
What an incredible feeling.
Love and lust embrace each other while making the most beautiful colors and symphonies.
Euphoria takes over as an electric current surrounds the ends of my body,
the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention as my body continues to surge.
On you, in you, all over you.
My love.
DropSwallowSpewWords
Here I go,
Drop,
The demons into my mouth,
Swallow them into my body,
Spew them into my veins
and watch the words trickle onto this page...
Drop,
The demons into my mouth,
Swallow them into my body,
Spew them into my veins
and watch the words trickle onto this page...
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Reassurance
How can you hold the moon accountable for the assurance of my future,
Lies have slipped amongst the stars,
My past now tainted,
as I try to forget.
I take this chance to embrace the night,
in the secrets of all that I've done, fantasies I have.
Yet, the morning light tickles me with life,
energy takes over.
My future lies in the hands of my good intentions,
for once.
Yet silent blessings are accepted and welcomed.
Is there anything left in the night to be said?
Disclaimers to be made?
For a night last only eight hours,
before the morning sun takes on the day.
Dig deep within for the remaining beauty and gentleness that once was,
for there is a flicker of a flame that remains.
Feed it until you are whole again.
Lies have slipped amongst the stars,
My past now tainted,
as I try to forget.
I take this chance to embrace the night,
in the secrets of all that I've done, fantasies I have.
Yet, the morning light tickles me with life,
energy takes over.
My future lies in the hands of my good intentions,
for once.
Yet silent blessings are accepted and welcomed.
Is there anything left in the night to be said?
Disclaimers to be made?
For a night last only eight hours,
before the morning sun takes on the day.
Dig deep within for the remaining beauty and gentleness that once was,
for there is a flicker of a flame that remains.
Feed it until you are whole again.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Tempo
It's there,
a thought of a future so unpredictable that I can hardly grasp the idea of it.
Thoughts of possibilities, what haves and have nots.
Reminiscing creating future memories based on past ones that have ended,
while accepting a gorgeous reality of new beginnings and love so deep and undeniable that my head spins.
Where shall I go from here?
In slightly over a month she will be gone for a month,
the way she was when we first started talking,
in a romantic tone.
That being not so long ago.
A life on the road,
stumbling and thriving on energy of a crowd.
She is my one true love.
My everything, my world. Nobody has given me so much, in such a
Pure form.
Purity.
One of the only words that can describe this love that I have never felt with anyone ever before.
It's liberating,
Freedom at its best.
Freedom to love, to hold, to actually see an eternity.
I have experienced desire, and hope, but never a love
A true love.
She encompasses every inch of me, inside and out.
I get lost in her eyes, in her touch, in her kiss-
because I can tell she gives me her all.
The honesty that emerged at the beginning was full of dreadful sins we both have committed,
We are free and innocent again.
We hold eachothers' secrets dear,
and trust each other with our fragile lives.
We are one.
Assuring me this isn't a dream, she takes my hand in my sleep and whispers
her confessions of love...
as I rest my weary eyes,
as the sun rests on a long day, when the moon takes over.
The love I have is inexplicable.
Pure.
Nothing could ever be so clear,
Clarity.
She whimsically dances to the beat of her own drum,
while swaying and smiling as I press my beat to her soul.
Our hearts start to match tempo.
I am in love.
a thought of a future so unpredictable that I can hardly grasp the idea of it.
Thoughts of possibilities, what haves and have nots.
Reminiscing creating future memories based on past ones that have ended,
while accepting a gorgeous reality of new beginnings and love so deep and undeniable that my head spins.
Where shall I go from here?
In slightly over a month she will be gone for a month,
the way she was when we first started talking,
in a romantic tone.
That being not so long ago.
A life on the road,
stumbling and thriving on energy of a crowd.
She is my one true love.
My everything, my world. Nobody has given me so much, in such a
Pure form.
Purity.
One of the only words that can describe this love that I have never felt with anyone ever before.
It's liberating,
Freedom at its best.
Freedom to love, to hold, to actually see an eternity.
I have experienced desire, and hope, but never a love
A true love.
She encompasses every inch of me, inside and out.
I get lost in her eyes, in her touch, in her kiss-
because I can tell she gives me her all.
The honesty that emerged at the beginning was full of dreadful sins we both have committed,
We are free and innocent again.
We hold eachothers' secrets dear,
and trust each other with our fragile lives.
We are one.
Assuring me this isn't a dream, she takes my hand in my sleep and whispers
her confessions of love...
as I rest my weary eyes,
as the sun rests on a long day, when the moon takes over.
The love I have is inexplicable.
Pure.
Nothing could ever be so clear,
Clarity.
She whimsically dances to the beat of her own drum,
while swaying and smiling as I press my beat to her soul.
Our hearts start to match tempo.
I am in love.
Friday, November 16, 2012
BedTimeStory
Sometimes I would like to read a bedtime story...
Sing me a story through the clouds? Do the stars hold secrets from minimal miles, once gorgeously long?
Deep and dark secrets, that glisten in the winter snow,
in the silence of a winter night?
Whisper me a story, like a lullaby.
So I can finally rest my eyes at night.
Sing me a story through the clouds? Do the stars hold secrets from minimal miles, once gorgeously long?
Deep and dark secrets, that glisten in the winter snow,
in the silence of a winter night?
Whisper me a story, like a lullaby.
So I can finally rest my eyes at night.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Undone Stranger in the Night
Oh hello there strange, foreign, friend...
How lovely to bump into you again.
The night has fallen and your shadow is all that I see,
It could be a mirage, or the shadows of a tree...
Your touch is still cold, as it was when you left,
when you failed me, and kicked me, while I was down and out of breath.
I'm weary to fall into your death grip again,
For I lost myself, my sanity...
Foreign is probably the best to remain,
Although sin and sanctity scatter my brain.
I am sick, more sick than I have been in a while
...
Just to let you know,
in case the night unveils the sun,
My body is withering away,
until I'm finally undone.
How lovely to bump into you again.
The night has fallen and your shadow is all that I see,
It could be a mirage, or the shadows of a tree...
Your touch is still cold, as it was when you left,
when you failed me, and kicked me, while I was down and out of breath.
I'm weary to fall into your death grip again,
For I lost myself, my sanity...
Foreign is probably the best to remain,
Although sin and sanctity scatter my brain.
I am sick, more sick than I have been in a while
...
Just to let you know,
in case the night unveils the sun,
My body is withering away,
until I'm finally undone.
Mission
I am sick
I am twisted
I am lost in the idea of my body withering away,
in the darkness
Nothingness.
Empty is the answer,
OneHundred would be success.
Mission.
I am twisted
I am lost in the idea of my body withering away,
in the darkness
Nothingness.
Empty is the answer,
OneHundred would be success.
Mission.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Fireplace
My hands shake as my soul remains warm.
My intentions remain innocent, my love grows like vines on the side of a brick wall.
Cool to the touch, inanimate, lifeless- winter has creeped up on me.
Slowly but surely.
One month ahead in the distance, yet here.
Bone chilling winds break me.
The sun, she hides in the warmth of the clouds.
My sick and twisted discipline shifts into high gears.
A high so flawless that nothing could go wrong,
except the falling into countless deep sleeps of winter.
My body eats away at itself as I allow the winter to eat away at my soul.
Nothing will enter these lips,
only words shall escape them.
There is only one glimpse of hope,
warmth.
She is my all.
My everything.
I look up as my hand touches this chilled brick wall,
curious as to why the cold has become slightly warm.
Smoke gathers at the top.
A fireplace.
My intentions remain innocent, my love grows like vines on the side of a brick wall.
Cool to the touch, inanimate, lifeless- winter has creeped up on me.
Slowly but surely.
One month ahead in the distance, yet here.
Bone chilling winds break me.
The sun, she hides in the warmth of the clouds.
My sick and twisted discipline shifts into high gears.
A high so flawless that nothing could go wrong,
except the falling into countless deep sleeps of winter.
My body eats away at itself as I allow the winter to eat away at my soul.
Nothing will enter these lips,
only words shall escape them.
There is only one glimpse of hope,
warmth.
She is my all.
My everything.
I look up as my hand touches this chilled brick wall,
curious as to why the cold has become slightly warm.
Smoke gathers at the top.
A fireplace.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
To the children of the world.
Whatever makes you feel better my dears,
if it takes physically damaging somebody or their property- go for it.
It just reiderates the mere fact that you are children and nothing more.
My life still goes on in normality.
if it takes physically damaging somebody or their property- go for it.
It just reiderates the mere fact that you are children and nothing more.
My life still goes on in normality.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Lyrical Bliss.
You and I may be slightly ridiculous,
in the most oddly adorable ways.
Our sarcasm compliments each other,
while our punch lines complete each verse.
Where have you been all this time?
Standing right in front of me.
While at more than an arms length away.
My soul feels rejuvinated, and relaxed,
My heart sings melodies so pure and true
that my mind is in constant lyrical bliss.
My sanity has re-surfaced, my stability
has grown imensely.
I'm afraid to plead for you to stay,
yet I am willing to ask
whole heartedly.
in the most oddly adorable ways.
Our sarcasm compliments each other,
while our punch lines complete each verse.
Where have you been all this time?
Standing right in front of me.
While at more than an arms length away.
My soul feels rejuvinated, and relaxed,
My heart sings melodies so pure and true
that my mind is in constant lyrical bliss.
My sanity has re-surfaced, my stability
has grown imensely.
I'm afraid to plead for you to stay,
yet I am willing to ask
whole heartedly.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Friday, July 20, 2012
RageInCollectiveness
I don't think you understand.
You hurt me this time.
and I am the one taking the fall for it.
Which is fine, because you've done it a hundred and one times.
Telling others lies,
to make yourself look more righteous.
I'm not going to flinch.
I know who I am.
I'm finally not confused about that anymore.
For the first time in years.
Revealing my secrets,
while whispering falsities entwined with them so the story is more elaborate.
I would never wish harm on you,
or ill will.
I just beg of you,
to leave me alone,
to disapear,
to let me live my life and be happy.
For real this time.
Memories will last, as much as I've yearned to burn them along with your photos,
just don't add any more bad ones, to the former goods.
If it takes you hating me, and playing the childish games of
Girls
then so be it.
But I Am moving on,
over it,
and Essentially Happy..
Hoping to be eternaly Happy.
You hurt me this time.
and I am the one taking the fall for it.
Which is fine, because you've done it a hundred and one times.
Telling others lies,
to make yourself look more righteous.
I'm not going to flinch.
I know who I am.
I'm finally not confused about that anymore.
For the first time in years.
Revealing my secrets,
while whispering falsities entwined with them so the story is more elaborate.
I would never wish harm on you,
or ill will.
I just beg of you,
to leave me alone,
to disapear,
to let me live my life and be happy.
For real this time.
Memories will last, as much as I've yearned to burn them along with your photos,
just don't add any more bad ones, to the former goods.
If it takes you hating me, and playing the childish games of
Girls
then so be it.
But I Am moving on,
over it,
and Essentially Happy..
Hoping to be eternaly Happy.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
5am.
*and as nature awakes, and baby birds begin chirpping, I rest my head on my pillow. I close my eyes as a smile graces my lips. Your voice resounds in my head. The space next to me in my bed is calling your name through the miles. “Only 2 weeks” I whisper to myself. Two weeks until your beautiful arms are around my waist, two weeks until I feel your heartbeat, two weeks until your body is pressed against mine. But for now… it is 5 am, I’m closing my eyes, and dawn is breaking.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Friday, July 13, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Hand Written
Taking a hiatus from this false world of blogging, and taking it back to old school for a while...
Hand written.
Hand written.
Monday, July 2, 2012
HeartlessFakeBitch
You know those girls?
The ones that back in high school stole your boyfriend, turned your best friends against you?
The ones that whispered as you walked by in your life of confusion?
Those girls.
You, have become them.
To take a friendship that was in the working,
trust that was being re-built,
- wasted time in a sense.
My heart was already broken, yet you managed to pick up the shattered sickled pieces and smash them even more,
...you are heartless,
soulless,
inconsiderate. and
Vengeful.
Despite your confusion, rage, and anger at the Past...
-you readily, and easily destroyed a future.
You know how you said "We are in each other's lives for a reason. We just don't know what it is yet."
Well I've figured it out.
You were simply a lesson to be learned.
Thank you.
The ones that back in high school stole your boyfriend, turned your best friends against you?
The ones that whispered as you walked by in your life of confusion?
Those girls.
You, have become them.
To take a friendship that was in the working,
trust that was being re-built,
- wasted time in a sense.
My heart was already broken, yet you managed to pick up the shattered sickled pieces and smash them even more,
...you are heartless,
soulless,
inconsiderate. and
Vengeful.
Despite your confusion, rage, and anger at the Past...
-you readily, and easily destroyed a future.
You know how you said "We are in each other's lives for a reason. We just don't know what it is yet."
Well I've figured it out.
You were simply a lesson to be learned.
Thank you.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Here I sit
Here I sit,
looking at this distraught room- boxes everywhere, my life packed away
once again.
A tear graces my cheek,
I am not sad because of what passed, but sad because this is my life.
Continuously spiraling out of control, losing my sense of home, a place to call my own.
So here I stand, more weak than the last -
and take a deep breath to help this moment pass.
The wind creeps through the window and whispers in my ear,
that everything will be OK,
perseverance is key.
Patience is a virtue I am learning to obtain, while Hope seems like a family member that is close, yet lost along the way.
I push away the feeling, of emptiness and displacement,
to only put up my front again.
Trying to let some in,
allowing them to capture my soul.
Who will prevail?
The angel that has dealt with me for so long?
I can only hope so.
Yet, the miles of another scream my name in the night...
Ode to confusion.
looking at this distraught room- boxes everywhere, my life packed away
once again.
A tear graces my cheek,
I am not sad because of what passed, but sad because this is my life.
Continuously spiraling out of control, losing my sense of home, a place to call my own.
So here I stand, more weak than the last -
and take a deep breath to help this moment pass.
The wind creeps through the window and whispers in my ear,
that everything will be OK,
perseverance is key.
Patience is a virtue I am learning to obtain, while Hope seems like a family member that is close, yet lost along the way.
I push away the feeling, of emptiness and displacement,
to only put up my front again.
Trying to let some in,
allowing them to capture my soul.
Who will prevail?
The angel that has dealt with me for so long?
I can only hope so.
Yet, the miles of another scream my name in the night...
Ode to confusion.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Stop-Go
Loving how "No" means "Yes"
and "Stop" means "Go"
Loving pleading eyes,
and a fragile touch.
Skin so soft, so sweet,
taste so pure.
Loving the passion,
that ties with the emotion.
Just tell me to "Stop" one more time,
so I can keep all of my attention on you <3
and "Stop" means "Go"
Loving pleading eyes,
and a fragile touch.
Skin so soft, so sweet,
taste so pure.
Loving the passion,
that ties with the emotion.
Just tell me to "Stop" one more time,
so I can keep all of my attention on you <3
Thursday, May 31, 2012
You will never be me ;)
I feel bad for you,
because you truly think that second best feels good,
or something like that...
But darling,
I hate to break it to you.
You will Never Be Me.
I am beautiful, thin, charismatic
Joyful, carefree, engaging.
Many envy me for my intelligence - my personality, and my looks.
I am strong, and strong willed and I always get what I want.
So when I give something up, and you try to scoop it up like a dog begging at a table for scraps...
I feel bad for you.
I stand tall, I'm confident, I see the best in everything,
I am truthful in ways that most don't understand.
I have the world going for me and more.
I respect myself, hence my decisions.
I respect others, which seems to be a foreign ideal to you.
I will do things in my life, and love those who are in it.
I will see the world, while you are stuck inside your self consuming bubble.
How does it feel to be second best?
On the back burner?
I will always be chosen over you.
It's happened time and time again,
and I truly feel bad that you think you are something special.
If something special is hidden, a secret, and constantly talked shit about and thrown under the bus... then damn I must be confused.
I am the best she's ever had and will have.
I make her a better person.
You are not even in the same league,
but just a fun thrill.
If she ever is with you, don't doubt she's thinking of me
If she kisses you, when she closes her eyes she thinks of me,
and anything more than that, you can best believe she is thinking of me.
That's all.
At the end of the day, nobody can love her like me, or hold her like me, or do her as well as I can.
True Story.
I'd stop trying to hard if I were you, you are beginning to look desperate.
because you truly think that second best feels good,
or something like that...
But darling,
I hate to break it to you.
You will Never Be Me.
I am beautiful, thin, charismatic
Joyful, carefree, engaging.
Many envy me for my intelligence - my personality, and my looks.
I am strong, and strong willed and I always get what I want.
So when I give something up, and you try to scoop it up like a dog begging at a table for scraps...
I feel bad for you.
I stand tall, I'm confident, I see the best in everything,
I am truthful in ways that most don't understand.
I have the world going for me and more.
I respect myself, hence my decisions.
I respect others, which seems to be a foreign ideal to you.
I will do things in my life, and love those who are in it.
I will see the world, while you are stuck inside your self consuming bubble.
How does it feel to be second best?
On the back burner?
I will always be chosen over you.
It's happened time and time again,
and I truly feel bad that you think you are something special.
If something special is hidden, a secret, and constantly talked shit about and thrown under the bus... then damn I must be confused.
I am the best she's ever had and will have.
I make her a better person.
You are not even in the same league,
but just a fun thrill.
If she ever is with you, don't doubt she's thinking of me
If she kisses you, when she closes her eyes she thinks of me,
and anything more than that, you can best believe she is thinking of me.
That's all.
At the end of the day, nobody can love her like me, or hold her like me, or do her as well as I can.
True Story.
I'd stop trying to hard if I were you, you are beginning to look desperate.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
grasp!
I am longing for a full feeling,
something satisfying.
Should I push through to bigger and better things?
Or hold true to what I've worked so hard on,
when different kinds of love flourish my mind with tainted jade colors,
I start to question-
What am I doing here?
What is my purpose?
How much longer will I survive?
I am mentally weak, which is leaving my shell of a body even weaker,
my emotions are gone.
Simply lost in the abyss of the unknown.
How I fear the unknown now,
yet longed it for a long time.
I will remain empty until I find true happiness again,
I have lost it all,
when before I only had moment of happiness throughout a day.
I want it all of the time.
Day dreaming? Maybe.
But I feel as if it's in my grasp now...
something satisfying.
Should I push through to bigger and better things?
Or hold true to what I've worked so hard on,
when different kinds of love flourish my mind with tainted jade colors,
I start to question-
What am I doing here?
What is my purpose?
How much longer will I survive?
I am mentally weak, which is leaving my shell of a body even weaker,
my emotions are gone.
Simply lost in the abyss of the unknown.
How I fear the unknown now,
yet longed it for a long time.
I will remain empty until I find true happiness again,
I have lost it all,
when before I only had moment of happiness throughout a day.
I want it all of the time.
Day dreaming? Maybe.
But I feel as if it's in my grasp now...
Forever&Always
My heart aches,
the pain is unbearable.
Am I doing the right thing? Or allowing the one I am meant to spend my life with pass me by?
I love her with all of my heart, I am still in love with her,
but have lost some of it along the way.
Is it my fault?
Of course- partially.
Is it hers? I would never want to blame her,
although she thinks I do.
I am not quite sure who's fault this mess of love is.
It is quite possible that it is neither,
it could just be the crossings of the stars.
I know for a fact that she is meant to be in my life Forever;
but what that Forever may be, is becoming more and more unclear.
If I could whisk her away from this place, I Would in a heart beat.
I would make her pack her bags, and leave this all behind with me.
I would hold her every night with a smile on my face, and whisper to her while she is dreaming...
Like I have done every night for three years.
I feel like she doesn't realize that I would give her the universe if I could -
that I want to do well in school so that we could have a life together, full of adventure and pleasure.
But,
here we are.
Fighting.
Endless fighting and torn apart agony.
I want to see her smile for REAL again.
I want to hear her precious laugh and see her emerald eyes sparkle in the sunlight,
while freckles appear on her sun-kissed cheeks.
She is so beautiful to me.
She will always be so damn beautiful to me,
and most of all she will always be my beautiful girl- no matter where the roads take us.
She is so perfect in the most imperfect ways.
Am I really asking for more?
Or am I scared?
Are we too young?
Do we just need time?
Mending is a process that will either naturally happen or naturally not.
But either way, she is my constant.
She has been there for me through thick and thin,
defended me when I needed it,
protected me from what she could,
held me when I cried...
Watched me struggle when my parents split,
Watched me lose my father to another woman.
Watched me deal with my mom when she threatened suicide,
and held me when I cried over songs that reminded me of me and my father when I was a little girl.
I am lost without her,
but lost with her.
I can't function or breathe right now,
and I think of my past.
I am so damn scared of my future.
I'm not sure what it holds,
but I can only hope for the best.
I can only pray for happiness,
and seek out the dreams I hold true to.
There won't be a night that goes by that I don't whisper "I love you, forever and always."
For I will.
Forever and Always.
the pain is unbearable.
Am I doing the right thing? Or allowing the one I am meant to spend my life with pass me by?
I love her with all of my heart, I am still in love with her,
but have lost some of it along the way.
Is it my fault?
Of course- partially.
Is it hers? I would never want to blame her,
although she thinks I do.
I am not quite sure who's fault this mess of love is.
It is quite possible that it is neither,
it could just be the crossings of the stars.
I know for a fact that she is meant to be in my life Forever;
but what that Forever may be, is becoming more and more unclear.
If I could whisk her away from this place, I Would in a heart beat.
I would make her pack her bags, and leave this all behind with me.
I would hold her every night with a smile on my face, and whisper to her while she is dreaming...
Like I have done every night for three years.
I feel like she doesn't realize that I would give her the universe if I could -
that I want to do well in school so that we could have a life together, full of adventure and pleasure.
But,
here we are.
Fighting.
Endless fighting and torn apart agony.
I want to see her smile for REAL again.
I want to hear her precious laugh and see her emerald eyes sparkle in the sunlight,
while freckles appear on her sun-kissed cheeks.
She is so beautiful to me.
She will always be so damn beautiful to me,
and most of all she will always be my beautiful girl- no matter where the roads take us.
She is so perfect in the most imperfect ways.
Am I really asking for more?
Or am I scared?
Are we too young?
Do we just need time?
Mending is a process that will either naturally happen or naturally not.
But either way, she is my constant.
She has been there for me through thick and thin,
defended me when I needed it,
protected me from what she could,
held me when I cried...
Watched me struggle when my parents split,
Watched me lose my father to another woman.
Watched me deal with my mom when she threatened suicide,
and held me when I cried over songs that reminded me of me and my father when I was a little girl.
I am lost without her,
but lost with her.
I can't function or breathe right now,
and I think of my past.
I am so damn scared of my future.
I'm not sure what it holds,
but I can only hope for the best.
I can only pray for happiness,
and seek out the dreams I hold true to.
There won't be a night that goes by that I don't whisper "I love you, forever and always."
For I will.
Forever and Always.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Because
Last night was a mess...
Today has dragged on.
Fights and pretend make ups.
Blah.
But deciding to not let it get the best of me.
Because... I want to enjoy the sunshine :)
Today has dragged on.
Fights and pretend make ups.
Blah.
But deciding to not let it get the best of me.
Because... I want to enjoy the sunshine :)
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Carefree
My mind is a fog,
I feel as if I am sleep walking.
I wish I could wake up and embrace my life,
the purities of it all.
I run in my sleep to a place called
Far Far Away.
My escape awaits there for me, with arms open wide.
My heart is guarded for reasons of the past,
while it also yearns to completely let go.
I must gain courage to be who I am and express it to the world,
the universe.
For this is me.
I am a free soul longing to dance with the clouds,
and among the stars.
I just want to be carefree
I feel as if I am sleep walking.
I wish I could wake up and embrace my life,
the purities of it all.
I run in my sleep to a place called
Far Far Away.
My escape awaits there for me, with arms open wide.
My heart is guarded for reasons of the past,
while it also yearns to completely let go.
I must gain courage to be who I am and express it to the world,
the universe.
For this is me.
I am a free soul longing to dance with the clouds,
and among the stars.
I just want to be carefree
Monday, May 14, 2012
Hectic.
Such a hectic wave of 'to-do's' and 'should i's'
Such a hectic title wave of emotions
HECTIC.
Such a hectic title wave of emotions
HECTIC.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Pretty Please? :)
www.missbikinichallenge.com
^^ go to it.
make an account. and vote ONCE A DAY <3
as much as possible! :)
Thanks 'followers' :)
^^ go to it.
make an account. and vote ONCE A DAY <3
as much as possible! :)
Thanks 'followers' :)
Saturday, May 12, 2012
I want to crawl out of my skin...
There are some things people say and do that make me want to die.
Make me want to crawl out of my skin.
I scream internally for all I want to do is escape,
leave all of this bullshit behind.
Leave this world behind.
I just want to disappear,
to somewhere where nobody knows my name,
where people won't judge me based on my looks...
I guess that is impossible,
the moment I am not present everybody feels the need to drag my name through the mud,
gossip about all that they want me to be and all that I am not.
I am not a mean spirited person,
I don't want people to fail, and I've tried so hard all of my life to be the best that I can be
but it's never enough.
People that I thought were my best friends,
the one that I am supposed to spend my life with,
and people that think they know me, but clearly don't.
I am so alone in this world.
I might as well swallow these five bottles of pills I have sitting here on my dresser,
but I wont.
For hopes of a brighter tomorrow.
Make me want to crawl out of my skin.
I scream internally for all I want to do is escape,
leave all of this bullshit behind.
Leave this world behind.
I just want to disappear,
to somewhere where nobody knows my name,
where people won't judge me based on my looks...
I guess that is impossible,
the moment I am not present everybody feels the need to drag my name through the mud,
gossip about all that they want me to be and all that I am not.
I am not a mean spirited person,
I don't want people to fail, and I've tried so hard all of my life to be the best that I can be
but it's never enough.
People that I thought were my best friends,
the one that I am supposed to spend my life with,
and people that think they know me, but clearly don't.
I am so alone in this world.
I might as well swallow these five bottles of pills I have sitting here on my dresser,
but I wont.
For hopes of a brighter tomorrow.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Promise of the Sun
"I'll keep my promise,"
the voice echoing in the hall, bouncing off the mirror, comes back to me and whispers.
I did something last night that made me stronger,
and I feel relief of this anxiety stricken world I have been in for so long.
I closed my eyes last night lacking the fear, that had been there all along.
It was so peaceful, so serene.
Did you blow the sun my way with your pure breaths?
Because the sun shines here today, as if it never left.
the voice echoing in the hall, bouncing off the mirror, comes back to me and whispers.
I did something last night that made me stronger,
and I feel relief of this anxiety stricken world I have been in for so long.
I closed my eyes last night lacking the fear, that had been there all along.
It was so peaceful, so serene.
Did you blow the sun my way with your pure breaths?
Because the sun shines here today, as if it never left.
Rant to a Child
I sit here,
at my blog... my way of escaping ... my way of expressing... my addiction, my problems, and my love.
My writing is sacred to me.
And you...
A mere child.
Uses it against me to essentially benefit yourself.
I was going to make it private,
I was going to confront you...
but behind these words I sit.
Laughing.
For it is pathetic that you think you know what I am writing about.
You have no idea.
And for you to run your mouth to a soul thousands of miles away,
Calling Her.
She didn't call you,
You are such a liar.
I though that you didn't like drama,
I thought that you wanted nothing to do with it, and to make amends with every body in the town.
Well sweetie,
we can all see right through you again.
If you really want to make things right...
1)Don't assume
2)Don't preach what you are unsure of.
3) Don't go behind peoples backs and be deceitful
- Because the truth always surfaces.
And you my dear, are caught up again... as a liar.
So No, I will not delete my blogs or censor my feeling... because a child wants to play games.
This is Mine.
I'd appreciate it if it's the last time you look at it,
but who knows if you even have that little respect for people.
at my blog... my way of escaping ... my way of expressing... my addiction, my problems, and my love.
My writing is sacred to me.
And you...
A mere child.
Uses it against me to essentially benefit yourself.
I was going to make it private,
I was going to confront you...
but behind these words I sit.
Laughing.
For it is pathetic that you think you know what I am writing about.
You have no idea.
And for you to run your mouth to a soul thousands of miles away,
Calling Her.
She didn't call you,
You are such a liar.
I though that you didn't like drama,
I thought that you wanted nothing to do with it, and to make amends with every body in the town.
Well sweetie,
we can all see right through you again.
If you really want to make things right...
1)Don't assume
2)Don't preach what you are unsure of.
3) Don't go behind peoples backs and be deceitful
- Because the truth always surfaces.
And you my dear, are caught up again... as a liar.
So No, I will not delete my blogs or censor my feeling... because a child wants to play games.
This is Mine.
I'd appreciate it if it's the last time you look at it,
but who knows if you even have that little respect for people.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Clarity
I need a night alone and away...
where should I go?
I need to clear this mind of mine.
I beg for clarity.
where should I go?
I need to clear this mind of mine.
I beg for clarity.
Just for the moment...
My head spins,
I feel light headed-
I try to smile, I catch myself smiling - both however, feel wrong.
She does everything in her power to make things right-
for the moment.
I have to keep reminding myself... It's just for the moment.
Promises are left empty as she streams kisses, and 'i love you's on me.
They just don't feel right...
They feel so empty.
As much as my soul wants to believe them,
my heart and my head know better by now.
This is not love.
Love does not torture you at your weakest,
kick you when you are down,
or pull you off of cloud nine once you finally reach it.
Love should be unconditional,
It should face uncertainties with compassion, and reason,
not rage and cruelty.
I feel guilty for staying,
for possibly giving false hope when I've already checked out mentally-
when in reality I have told her every day since that I love her, but I don't like her,
and that I fear falling back into her tight, chocking grasp.
I give hints,
leave things vague
-but maybe I should be more upfront.
I am scared of what is to come,
because being unsure is never quite nerving.
I just want this to be over,
I wish we could be friends,
I'd do anything for that girl
but I can't take the emotional turmoil anymore.
I can't compromise my happiness anymore.
I just want to disappear...
because deep down I know...
It's just for the moment that these promises are made,
until things are comfortable again enough to lash out.
It's just a matter of moments before rage enters the home we've built from straw.
It's just for the moment.
I feel light headed-
I try to smile, I catch myself smiling - both however, feel wrong.
She does everything in her power to make things right-
for the moment.
I have to keep reminding myself... It's just for the moment.
Promises are left empty as she streams kisses, and 'i love you's on me.
They just don't feel right...
They feel so empty.
As much as my soul wants to believe them,
my heart and my head know better by now.
This is not love.
Love does not torture you at your weakest,
kick you when you are down,
or pull you off of cloud nine once you finally reach it.
Love should be unconditional,
It should face uncertainties with compassion, and reason,
not rage and cruelty.
I feel guilty for staying,
for possibly giving false hope when I've already checked out mentally-
when in reality I have told her every day since that I love her, but I don't like her,
and that I fear falling back into her tight, chocking grasp.
I give hints,
leave things vague
-but maybe I should be more upfront.
I am scared of what is to come,
because being unsure is never quite nerving.
I just want this to be over,
I wish we could be friends,
I'd do anything for that girl
but I can't take the emotional turmoil anymore.
I can't compromise my happiness anymore.
I just want to disappear...
because deep down I know...
It's just for the moment that these promises are made,
until things are comfortable again enough to lash out.
It's just a matter of moments before rage enters the home we've built from straw.
It's just for the moment.
Monday, May 7, 2012
BubbleBath*
I dip a toe in, steam rises, my flesh turns red.
It's soothing, this pain.
Heel and to my ankle... slowly.. there you go.
Exhale.
The aroma is fantastic, yet these florescent lights aren't quite doing it for me.
I slide the rest of my bare skin into this scorching abyss.
Exhale again.
My body aches from working,
and I could use the hand of another to rub my body down, from head to toe.
With care, and precision.
Releasing tension from all the right spots.
But here I sit,
in my bubble bath,
alone, where I wouldn't mind some candles or some mood.
I feel rushed, although time has slowed down.
I could use this tension released.
What to do next... ? ;)
It's soothing, this pain.
Heel and to my ankle... slowly.. there you go.
Exhale.
The aroma is fantastic, yet these florescent lights aren't quite doing it for me.
I slide the rest of my bare skin into this scorching abyss.
Exhale again.
My body aches from working,
and I could use the hand of another to rub my body down, from head to toe.
With care, and precision.
Releasing tension from all the right spots.
But here I sit,
in my bubble bath,
alone, where I wouldn't mind some candles or some mood.
I feel rushed, although time has slowed down.
I could use this tension released.
What to do next... ? ;)
Anxiety
My anxiety is through the roof right now,
So I sit here and write.
Banging on the keyboard.
Like it will accomplish something.
When in reality, she knows.
I can see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice...
but nothing has changed and it's only been three days.
ultimatum or not she says she doesn't care
that she wont change
and I say that she must or she will lose me
"I'm already losing you"
she said to me.
My heart broke a little from those words,
but then i reminded myself that even TODAY
she questioned our love, and yelled in my face,
hit herself, the walls and slammed the doors.
It's not worth this anxiety,
it's not worth the stress, or the rage,
the tears, and the pain.
This anxiety is overwhelming.
This pain is unbearable...
and here she is telling me, "It's your fault you walk on eggshells around me."
When I know it's not.
here she is telling me it's never enough.
-Anxiety*
So I sit here and write.
Banging on the keyboard.
Like it will accomplish something.
When in reality, she knows.
I can see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice...
but nothing has changed and it's only been three days.
ultimatum or not she says she doesn't care
that she wont change
and I say that she must or she will lose me
"I'm already losing you"
she said to me.
My heart broke a little from those words,
but then i reminded myself that even TODAY
she questioned our love, and yelled in my face,
hit herself, the walls and slammed the doors.
It's not worth this anxiety,
it's not worth the stress, or the rage,
the tears, and the pain.
This anxiety is overwhelming.
This pain is unbearable...
and here she is telling me, "It's your fault you walk on eggshells around me."
When I know it's not.
here she is telling me it's never enough.
-Anxiety*
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Sleep
As I laid my head on my pillow,
a sense of relief fell over me.
My soul was calm for the first time in a long time,
and I fell asleep.
Quickly,
Deeply,
Peacefully.
So forgive me, for calls unmade-
but be at peace.
For, I slept for the first time in months, without my soul feeling weak.
a sense of relief fell over me.
My soul was calm for the first time in a long time,
and I fell asleep.
Quickly,
Deeply,
Peacefully.
So forgive me, for calls unmade-
but be at peace.
For, I slept for the first time in months, without my soul feeling weak.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Now, I don't want sympathy- just an ear to listen...
I am seconds away from calling you...
Literally seconds...
but I am sitting here reminding myself not to do that to you again,
because you don't deserve that.
My world went to shit tonight.
I mentally checked out of my relationship.
I told her everything that I feel about her, because today.. she pushed me too far.
Tables flipped, candle holders shattered, papers everywhere, doors slammed, screaming to the point where when I left the neighbors asked me if I needed help or a place to go at that moment.
I am numb.
I told her I can't do it anymore.
I told her she needs medical help.
I told her how I begged God to take me, how I prayed to die, and how the only thing I look forward to every day is going back to sleep.
Yes.
I told her all of that.
I told her how I felt like the engagement was a joke, and how I felt the ring was a big bandaid on what shes done to me...
I told her that I still wish I was somewhere else.
I told her I won't be with her if she continues to not seek treatment and continues to treat me like a door mat.
I told her that "This is Emotional ABUSE"- which she didn't like, but I didn't care, because it's true.
I told her I don't think we are going to make it.
I was seconds away from telling her I wanted to call you.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't lie to myself.
This is Not Me.
I told her I refuse to remain unhappy,
and I refuse to accomadate for her self pitty, and being miserable.
I'm so beyond done and mentally checked out.
I am not sure where to go from here.
She says she will fix it, but to me those words don't mean anything... because htey have been said one thousand times before.
She said she loves me still, and that she didn't mean what she said or did....so my response was...
"The more and more you tell somebody something, the more and more they begin to belive it. So, I don't believe you love me, and I don't believe you will make this better. "
She cried.
and said she hated herself and wanted to beat the shit out of herself...
so I said "there you go again, turning it around on you"
This is the most vocal I have been in THREE YEARS.
Fuck this shit.
I am not about to submit myself to this torure anymore.
My mind, my body, and my soul can't take it.
Something has to change, and it has to change fast.
I think I am ready to finally do what I have to do to be happy once again, and to be me.
I might live here for a while until I figure my shit out, and so I don't screw her over...
but I told her. I am done helping her.
I really need to do this... and not let those fucking lying eyes get to me again.
I need this for my sanity.
I even told her I asked the doctor to put me on xanax because of the way she makes me feel.
She feels like shit... I know,
but that's just for the time being.
I am faithless.
So here I sit,
wiritng to you,
in hopes you read... how stupid of me to think you will... but i can only hope.
Now bear with me...
even if it's just for the moment.
I could really just use the support,
because the decisions I make in the next few weeks- are going to be ones that affect my entire future.
And I sure as hell don't want to live a miserable life, that of which I've been living.
*Life is too damn short*
Literally seconds...
but I am sitting here reminding myself not to do that to you again,
because you don't deserve that.
My world went to shit tonight.
I mentally checked out of my relationship.
I told her everything that I feel about her, because today.. she pushed me too far.
Tables flipped, candle holders shattered, papers everywhere, doors slammed, screaming to the point where when I left the neighbors asked me if I needed help or a place to go at that moment.
I am numb.
I told her I can't do it anymore.
I told her she needs medical help.
I told her how I begged God to take me, how I prayed to die, and how the only thing I look forward to every day is going back to sleep.
Yes.
I told her all of that.
I told her how I felt like the engagement was a joke, and how I felt the ring was a big bandaid on what shes done to me...
I told her that I still wish I was somewhere else.
I told her I won't be with her if she continues to not seek treatment and continues to treat me like a door mat.
I told her that "This is Emotional ABUSE"- which she didn't like, but I didn't care, because it's true.
I told her I don't think we are going to make it.
I was seconds away from telling her I wanted to call you.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't lie to myself.
This is Not Me.
I told her I refuse to remain unhappy,
and I refuse to accomadate for her self pitty, and being miserable.
I'm so beyond done and mentally checked out.
I am not sure where to go from here.
She says she will fix it, but to me those words don't mean anything... because htey have been said one thousand times before.
She said she loves me still, and that she didn't mean what she said or did....so my response was...
"The more and more you tell somebody something, the more and more they begin to belive it. So, I don't believe you love me, and I don't believe you will make this better. "
She cried.
and said she hated herself and wanted to beat the shit out of herself...
so I said "there you go again, turning it around on you"
This is the most vocal I have been in THREE YEARS.
Fuck this shit.
I am not about to submit myself to this torure anymore.
My mind, my body, and my soul can't take it.
Something has to change, and it has to change fast.
I think I am ready to finally do what I have to do to be happy once again, and to be me.
I might live here for a while until I figure my shit out, and so I don't screw her over...
but I told her. I am done helping her.
I really need to do this... and not let those fucking lying eyes get to me again.
I need this for my sanity.
I even told her I asked the doctor to put me on xanax because of the way she makes me feel.
She feels like shit... I know,
but that's just for the time being.
I am faithless.
So here I sit,
wiritng to you,
in hopes you read... how stupid of me to think you will... but i can only hope.
Now bear with me...
even if it's just for the moment.
I could really just use the support,
because the decisions I make in the next few weeks- are going to be ones that affect my entire future.
And I sure as hell don't want to live a miserable life, that of which I've been living.
*Life is too damn short*
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Fixing the Unfixable
Sometimes I wish I could fix all the bad,
change what I've done,
change the situations others experience.
I would never truly wish harm on angels,
for angels need their wings to fly.
Fly to safety,
fly to where you belong.
You are an angel in disguise,
and certainly are capable of giving the world all that you are,
and the world would be blind to reject you.
It's hard to fix the unfixable,
but I truly wish I could.
If I could just touch the face of this angel,
if I could breathe life into her,
if I could make her forget the pain...
I would.
But for now, the unfixable remains broken,
and our lives remain seperate-
and the desire I have to help you, grows stronger everyday.
ChinUpChestOut.
change what I've done,
change the situations others experience.
I would never truly wish harm on angels,
for angels need their wings to fly.
Fly to safety,
fly to where you belong.
You are an angel in disguise,
and certainly are capable of giving the world all that you are,
and the world would be blind to reject you.
It's hard to fix the unfixable,
but I truly wish I could.
If I could just touch the face of this angel,
if I could breathe life into her,
if I could make her forget the pain...
I would.
But for now, the unfixable remains broken,
and our lives remain seperate-
and the desire I have to help you, grows stronger everyday.
ChinUpChestOut.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
NineHundred&Eleven
NineHundred&Eleven Miles until I am where I want to be.
NineHundred&Eleven Miles until fate gets the best of me.
NineHundred&Eleven Miles until I hope to see what I yearn to see...
only NineHundred&Eleven Miles to make unforgetful memories.
NineHundred&Eleven Miles until I completely let myself be free.
only NineHundred&Eleven Miles until I let myself hit reality.
For something, so close, yet so far seems to be in reach,
When deep down I know NineHundred&Eleven Miles is just a fantasy.
The things I hope to happen in these NineHundred&Eleven Miles- seem a bit far fetched,
the faces I hope to see in these endless NineHundred&Eleven Miles-
-simply a mirrage in the summer heat.
But I still have a glimpse of hope for those NineHundred&Eleven Miles,
those 14.5 hours down and 14.5 back.
Those FourDays, NineHundred&Eleven Miles away,
From Four/7/TwentyTwelve - 4/Ten/2012
I hope to see the face of the moon from NineHundred&Eleven Miles away,
while Kissing the Sun.
NineHundred&Eleven Miles until fate gets the best of me.
NineHundred&Eleven Miles until I hope to see what I yearn to see...
only NineHundred&Eleven Miles to make unforgetful memories.
NineHundred&Eleven Miles until I completely let myself be free.
only NineHundred&Eleven Miles until I let myself hit reality.
For something, so close, yet so far seems to be in reach,
When deep down I know NineHundred&Eleven Miles is just a fantasy.
The things I hope to happen in these NineHundred&Eleven Miles- seem a bit far fetched,
the faces I hope to see in these endless NineHundred&Eleven Miles-
-simply a mirrage in the summer heat.
But I still have a glimpse of hope for those NineHundred&Eleven Miles,
those 14.5 hours down and 14.5 back.
Those FourDays, NineHundred&Eleven Miles away,
From Four/7/TwentyTwelve - 4/Ten/2012
I hope to see the face of the moon from NineHundred&Eleven Miles away,
while Kissing the Sun.
Drink Me*
Caught myself doing it again,
thinking.
dreaming.
scolding myself.
I can only wonder,
I can only hope-
do you see me through the looking glass?
Can you see my scars, my life, my hopes and dreams?
A bottle reads "drink me"
so do you take a sip?
A sip of me? A sip of life?
Would you take a sip again, from this beautiful crystal bottle of poison?
A pill says "eat me"
So do you eat it?
To remember? to forget...
Do you ingest all that you once were
all that we once had?
Will you grow or shrink in this world of Alice?
have you learned from the Mad Hatter, or fallen to the stain in Alice's eyes?
Have you tripped in this game of Hearts,
or won in the game of cards?
Alice is crazy, mad and lost.
...but "We are all mad here."
Would you do it all again?
Drink the poison, eat the pill?
Do you dream of it like Alice?
Hoping to fall back into Wonderland?
I really miss my Wonderland...
thinking.
dreaming.
scolding myself.
I can only wonder,
I can only hope-
do you see me through the looking glass?
Can you see my scars, my life, my hopes and dreams?
A bottle reads "drink me"
so do you take a sip?
A sip of me? A sip of life?
Would you take a sip again, from this beautiful crystal bottle of poison?
A pill says "eat me"
So do you eat it?
To remember? to forget...
Do you ingest all that you once were
all that we once had?
Will you grow or shrink in this world of Alice?
have you learned from the Mad Hatter, or fallen to the stain in Alice's eyes?
Have you tripped in this game of Hearts,
or won in the game of cards?
Alice is crazy, mad and lost.
...but "We are all mad here."
Would you do it all again?
Drink the poison, eat the pill?
Do you dream of it like Alice?
Hoping to fall back into Wonderland?
Overwhelmed
It's this feeling that I cannot grasp, something I cannot shake...
It's tomorrow- and I can't really admit that it's happening.
How can he do this? How is he OK?
Does he still think of her?
I'm sure... or I want to be sure...
Giving his love to somebody else- like my mother was just an object left on a dusty shelf.
I am angry, timid, scared-
I won't get attached to his new love.
I refuse.
I still won't even allow myself to reattach myself to him.
My own father.
My heart aches-
my eyes tear,
my body is physically sick over it.
Sure everybody deserves second chances-
Hell,
I've given out 101
and been given too many- more than I deserve.
But, I know one day, I too will ask for a second chance.
But part of me has not forgiven him,
for the pain,
the suffering,
the storm he brought upon our family.
Part of me thinks he doesn't deserve this.
God forbid he does it again.
Part of me doesn't doubt it,
while watching his new "wife" live in naivety.
Naivety.
What a simple, yet powerful word.
We all live in it, soak in in, breathe it.
I'm just not ready for it-
and by saying so I am selfish.
At least I admit my self yearning desires
...when it comes to this matter.
It's just not right.
I'm not happy for him.
I still catch myself resenting him...
My own Father.
How sick does that make me?
Somebody I used to look up to,
somebody whose approval I always yearned...
it's just not the same with him anymore.
He is different...
and I am different.
Because, now, I realize, that my daddy that I had as a little girl is not perfect,
and he is NOT who I want to become anymore.
I won't become him.
I need to find myself, be true to myself, and love myself and my family.
I cry- often, because I resent him.
I don't want to ... but I do.
He did this to himself.
It's nobody's fault but his.
Keniving.
Lying.
Cheating.
And here I am...
crying again,
writing this bullshit.
Feeling overwhelmed.
It's tomorrow- and I can't really admit that it's happening.
How can he do this? How is he OK?
Does he still think of her?
I'm sure... or I want to be sure...
Giving his love to somebody else- like my mother was just an object left on a dusty shelf.
I am angry, timid, scared-
I won't get attached to his new love.
I refuse.
I still won't even allow myself to reattach myself to him.
My own father.
My heart aches-
my eyes tear,
my body is physically sick over it.
Sure everybody deserves second chances-
Hell,
I've given out 101
and been given too many- more than I deserve.
But, I know one day, I too will ask for a second chance.
But part of me has not forgiven him,
for the pain,
the suffering,
the storm he brought upon our family.
Part of me thinks he doesn't deserve this.
God forbid he does it again.
Part of me doesn't doubt it,
while watching his new "wife" live in naivety.
Naivety.
What a simple, yet powerful word.
We all live in it, soak in in, breathe it.
I'm just not ready for it-
and by saying so I am selfish.
At least I admit my self yearning desires
...when it comes to this matter.
It's just not right.
I'm not happy for him.
I still catch myself resenting him...
My own Father.
How sick does that make me?
Somebody I used to look up to,
somebody whose approval I always yearned...
it's just not the same with him anymore.
He is different...
and I am different.
Because, now, I realize, that my daddy that I had as a little girl is not perfect,
and he is NOT who I want to become anymore.
I won't become him.
I need to find myself, be true to myself, and love myself and my family.
I cry- often, because I resent him.
I don't want to ... but I do.
He did this to himself.
It's nobody's fault but his.
Keniving.
Lying.
Cheating.
And here I am...
crying again,
writing this bullshit.
Feeling overwhelmed.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Patience....
Teaching myself how to play guitar....
this is taking a lot more patience than I expected...
and my fingers are numb. Go me.
this is taking a lot more patience than I expected...
and my fingers are numb. Go me.
One By One
I lie there,
bare back facing the ceiling,
bare chest on the cool sheets below me.
Face burried, in a pillow, only warmed by my breathing.
Numb.
Bruises on my arms, my legs, my shoulders...
small- sometimes not even visible- but there.
Bruising on my heart-
"Here I go again,"
feeling bad for myself is so pathetic;
I try to convince myself that I feel bad for myself though...
When in all reality, I stopped pitting myself ages ago.
I do this to myself.
As I inhale I feel each lingering breath expand my lungs,
and as my lungs expand I feel my ribs separate.
One, by, One.
It's here where I find my sick sense of peace.
I close my eyes,
salty tears are pressed to roll down my face.
I think of the past.
I smile, in hopes that my future can only be as good as my past was.
The past three years I have fucked up my pathetic excuse of a life.
While others have aided me in the process.
Only three people, all of whom I let down, tried saving me.
Those three saw right through me...
Two I lost for lifetimes,
One still a friend.
Drugged.
Up.
On.
FuckingUp.
Xanax, Codeine,
Liquor.
Bones, ProAnna.
What my life has become.
So there I lie.
Hollow breaths, simply bones,
beautiful emptiness.
Just thinking.
And thinking, now that, that's where I get in trouble.
That's where my thoughts become words on blank paper.
Like here,
rainbow blood trickling down stupid fucking pages.
Naivety, in my own damn words.
Hatred for what I've become.
Who my family has become, and who they've undone.
Only hoping for a brighter future.
I know who I want to be...
I do. Believe it or not.
I want to give someone by all, to give them my love, my willingness to live, to breathe, to do.
I want to smile every day, and not have to worry about shedding a tear.
I want people to fall in love with my smile, each day, over and over again, like a contagious disease that I once use to give off.
I want somebody to feel blessed in my light.
I want to be appreciated when I do small things, and when I bend over backwards for the one that I love.
I want to fulfill my potential without restrictions, I want to have fun, and be twenty one without having to babysit.
I want to be Me.
I want somebody who likes my hippie skirts, my curly hair, my rosy cheeks in the summertime.
Somebody who loves my free spirit, for I Am A Free Spirit.
I want to give myself the credit I deserve, while reaching for the stars and kissing the moon.
I want my writing to be appreciated.
I want my love to be accepted.
I want to love everyone, and accept everyone and be proud of it.
I want to make people feel safe, in my arms, or in my presence.
I want to be barefoot dancing in the rain on a warm summer night while the steam from the blacktop slips through my toes.
And I don't want to be put down... anymore.
But here I am.
Laying,
bare skin only being kissed by the moonlight,
because my love is not enough.
bare back facing the ceiling,
bare chest on the cool sheets below me.
Face burried, in a pillow, only warmed by my breathing.
Numb.
Bruises on my arms, my legs, my shoulders...
small- sometimes not even visible- but there.
Bruising on my heart-
"Here I go again,"
feeling bad for myself is so pathetic;
I try to convince myself that I feel bad for myself though...
When in all reality, I stopped pitting myself ages ago.
I do this to myself.
As I inhale I feel each lingering breath expand my lungs,
and as my lungs expand I feel my ribs separate.
One, by, One.
It's here where I find my sick sense of peace.
I close my eyes,
salty tears are pressed to roll down my face.
I think of the past.
I smile, in hopes that my future can only be as good as my past was.
The past three years I have fucked up my pathetic excuse of a life.
While others have aided me in the process.
Only three people, all of whom I let down, tried saving me.
Those three saw right through me...
Two I lost for lifetimes,
One still a friend.
Drugged.
Up.
On.
FuckingUp.
Xanax, Codeine,
Liquor.
Bones, ProAnna.
What my life has become.
So there I lie.
Hollow breaths, simply bones,
beautiful emptiness.
Just thinking.
And thinking, now that, that's where I get in trouble.
That's where my thoughts become words on blank paper.
Like here,
rainbow blood trickling down stupid fucking pages.
Naivety, in my own damn words.
Hatred for what I've become.
Who my family has become, and who they've undone.
Only hoping for a brighter future.
I know who I want to be...
I do. Believe it or not.
I want to give someone by all, to give them my love, my willingness to live, to breathe, to do.
I want to smile every day, and not have to worry about shedding a tear.
I want people to fall in love with my smile, each day, over and over again, like a contagious disease that I once use to give off.
I want somebody to feel blessed in my light.
I want to be appreciated when I do small things, and when I bend over backwards for the one that I love.
I want to fulfill my potential without restrictions, I want to have fun, and be twenty one without having to babysit.
I want to be Me.
I want somebody who likes my hippie skirts, my curly hair, my rosy cheeks in the summertime.
Somebody who loves my free spirit, for I Am A Free Spirit.
I want to give myself the credit I deserve, while reaching for the stars and kissing the moon.
I want my writing to be appreciated.
I want my love to be accepted.
I want to love everyone, and accept everyone and be proud of it.
I want to make people feel safe, in my arms, or in my presence.
I want to be barefoot dancing in the rain on a warm summer night while the steam from the blacktop slips through my toes.
And I don't want to be put down... anymore.
But here I am.
Laying,
bare skin only being kissed by the moonlight,
because my love is not enough.
Smell of Summer
I can smell it now,
the endless days of working, and enjoying my life... all entangeled into one!
Summer.
Pure chaos... pure bliss.
the endless days of working, and enjoying my life... all entangeled into one!
Summer.
Pure chaos... pure bliss.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
sick..to...my...stomach
I might slightly want to vomit...
....ok maybe more than slightly...
FuckYouNerves.
....ok maybe more than slightly...
FuckYouNerves.
Caged
Caged inside my emotions and mind;
broken thoughts, and twisted realities resurface.
Conditioned to enjoy where I am at in
each present moment.
Questioning why the torture must come back,
while wondering the miracle behind the prayers.
Was it a sign?
Praying to be taken away, to disappear,
when a fallen angle reappears indirectly.
Silence.
The beating of my heart halted, my
breathing steadied.
Doubt reflects on the incompatibility
on knowing the truth.
Complexity only gets your mind, body,
and soul entangled in pain.
My thoughts so caged, with these bars of
iron, steel, and white gold,
Simply graced with diamonds.
"'Tis a Brave New World."
broken thoughts, and twisted realities resurface.
Conditioned to enjoy where I am at in
each present moment.
Questioning why the torture must come back,
while wondering the miracle behind the prayers.
Was it a sign?
Praying to be taken away, to disappear,
when a fallen angle reappears indirectly.
Silence.
The beating of my heart halted, my
breathing steadied.
Doubt reflects on the incompatibility
on knowing the truth.
Complexity only gets your mind, body,
and soul entangled in pain.
My thoughts so caged, with these bars of
iron, steel, and white gold,
Simply graced with diamonds.
"'Tis a Brave New World."
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Bon.June
I feel it now.
My heart beating in unison with the bongo drums,
my feet bare, dancing with the wind's kisses on the blades of grass beneath them.
My body and soul are free, carefree
and welcoming to the world I am engulfed in.
Purity breaks into me, once again.
I embrace the sun's love,
while mirroring her beauty.
Warmth rises within me, it tastes so sweet.
The nectar of summer, quenches my thirst.
So perfect, so intense, how I can see it now.
My movements compliment the music.
My smile compliments the mood.
I am where I belong, for the first time in
Lifetimes.
My heart beating in unison with the bongo drums,
my feet bare, dancing with the wind's kisses on the blades of grass beneath them.
My body and soul are free, carefree
and welcoming to the world I am engulfed in.
Purity breaks into me, once again.
I embrace the sun's love,
while mirroring her beauty.
Warmth rises within me, it tastes so sweet.
The nectar of summer, quenches my thirst.
So perfect, so intense, how I can see it now.
My movements compliment the music.
My smile compliments the mood.
I am where I belong, for the first time in
Lifetimes.
Emptiness Leaves Me Full
Sitting, eyes closed- heart racing while at peace,
yearning for my long lost love.
She haunts my soul every so often, a goddess of addiction and pleasure.
Today seems like the day we will meet again.
She has a sister who I've been familiar with slightly longer-
yet the two are both my loves at heart.
She whispers my name quietly in my sleep,
so enticing- so alluring.
My veins throb, my blood boils, my nerves quake.
This decision is so exciting- each time, like the first and the last.
Sweet tasting drive, that carries me back to her.
The force is stronger than ever.
Is it in the air?
Floating on a soft white cloud- chills gracing my creamy, milk, white, skin.
Days mash into one another.
Emptiness leaves me full,
to taste her again will be the sweetest sin, so watch me
Indulge.
yearning for my long lost love.
She haunts my soul every so often, a goddess of addiction and pleasure.
Today seems like the day we will meet again.
She has a sister who I've been familiar with slightly longer-
yet the two are both my loves at heart.
She whispers my name quietly in my sleep,
so enticing- so alluring.
My veins throb, my blood boils, my nerves quake.
This decision is so exciting- each time, like the first and the last.
Sweet tasting drive, that carries me back to her.
The force is stronger than ever.
Is it in the air?
Floating on a soft white cloud- chills gracing my creamy, milk, white, skin.
Days mash into one another.
Emptiness leaves me full,
to taste her again will be the sweetest sin, so watch me
Indulge.
Well...
It's time to get your ego in check.
Pull your head out of your ass.
Legit,
I am your FRIEND.
Just because your chick thinks that there is something going on with us, doesn't mean that you have to treat me like a stranger.
Dude, I've been your friend from chick to chick and watched them ruin you and break you...
we've laughed and shared stories... and now you are going to act like I'm out to get you.
You must be doing something wrong to be so damn parranoid.
Irritated.
Pull your head out of your ass.
Legit,
I am your FRIEND.
Just because your chick thinks that there is something going on with us, doesn't mean that you have to treat me like a stranger.
Dude, I've been your friend from chick to chick and watched them ruin you and break you...
we've laughed and shared stories... and now you are going to act like I'm out to get you.
You must be doing something wrong to be so damn parranoid.
Irritated.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Admit it.
For once I'd like to know I'm right.
I'd enjoy the confirmation.
I know I have done some fucked up things in my past, but I've been paying for those since the days they happened.
I'd like to know where I belong,
to whom I belong to.
An apology would cease the pain, if only heartfelt.
Lurking in the shadows are my fears, while my hopes and dreams are attacked by them;
I don't desereve this. Nobody deserves this.
I should not be belittled, and pain stricken.
I should be loved, and cherished.
AdmitIt.
I'd enjoy the confirmation.
I know I have done some fucked up things in my past, but I've been paying for those since the days they happened.
I'd like to know where I belong,
to whom I belong to.
An apology would cease the pain, if only heartfelt.
Lurking in the shadows are my fears, while my hopes and dreams are attacked by them;
I don't desereve this. Nobody deserves this.
I should not be belittled, and pain stricken.
I should be loved, and cherished.
AdmitIt.
When all of a sudden...
I was laying there... crying, in a ball on my bed...
Begging...
Begging God to take me away from this place...
...when I say begging, I mean begging.
I was offering him anything.
"I will do anything, please just take me away, I just wanna disapear, I just wanna go away.. Please.."
Salty tears graced my lips as I gasped for air...
my cracked lips, whispered those words, asking for mercy, hoping for a miracle...
My eyes stinging from the crying, my heart wrenching from the pain...
...when all of a sudden.
Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse... or better...?
Begging...
Begging God to take me away from this place...
...when I say begging, I mean begging.
I was offering him anything.
"I will do anything, please just take me away, I just wanna disapear, I just wanna go away.. Please.."
Salty tears graced my lips as I gasped for air...
my cracked lips, whispered those words, asking for mercy, hoping for a miracle...
My eyes stinging from the crying, my heart wrenching from the pain...
...when all of a sudden.
Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse... or better...?
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Made me think...
I was watching this documentary... lesbians... baby.. etc...
they were talking about how they felt a "spark" from accross the room when they met... and just knew they were meant to be....
had me thinking....
then I read in an article how they got divorced...
C'est la vie! All good things must come to an end huh?
they were talking about how they felt a "spark" from accross the room when they met... and just knew they were meant to be....
had me thinking....
then I read in an article how they got divorced...
C'est la vie! All good things must come to an end huh?
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Dear few followers of mine
PLEASE VOTE ONCE A DAY EVERY DAY FOR FREE
http://missbikinichallenge.com/m/photocontest/entries/April-15-100-Challenge
http://missbikinichallenge.com/m/photocontest/entries/April-15-100-Challenge
Saturday, April 14, 2012
A little something once misunderstood...
I never quite understood the stamina, the drive, and the force behind the fact, that people I know, once knew, maybe never knew, are/were workaholics.
I get it now.
I am working 40+ hours a week
Going to school fulltime,
and more.
I get it.
If you just keep going... you don't have the time to sit down and really think about all the fucked up bullshit going on in your life... because you are too consumed with work and (school)
It's nice to not think.
I get it now.
I am working 40+ hours a week
Going to school fulltime,
and more.
I get it.
If you just keep going... you don't have the time to sit down and really think about all the fucked up bullshit going on in your life... because you are too consumed with work and (school)
It's nice to not think.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
We are Young...
I need to get my story straight....
My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the empire state...
My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the empire state...
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Dear Sanity,
City street lights, flashing by
like candy coated memories.
Tasting sweet, lullabies weak... only in my way.
Knots and acid aching my lungs,
while breathing is tattered and slowing.
Moments of sheer bliss, perpetuate eternal ignorance.
Ambiguity taints my mindset while annulling my calmness.
Breaking free lets my mind sink, soak, and sip the thick syrup of the orchard.
Sickening sounds of thunder crash in my mind's wavelengths.
Stillness is upon us now.
Brutality murders the once loved memories, coated in sweet caramelized sugar.
Here.
Here we are in a world so chilling, revealing, and lustful,
while hanging onto our loveless denials.
Clarity is where I find myself, for only in one particular place,
and a scattering of moments.
Dear sanity...
Sink your teeth into my beloved, grip tightly onto cotton candy clouds.
Suck life out of bliss, and breathe death into eternal falsities.
Hold tightly onto all that is left of crashing waves on a powdered sugar shore,
for what is left is merely a mirage...
like candy coated memories.
Tasting sweet, lullabies weak... only in my way.
Knots and acid aching my lungs,
while breathing is tattered and slowing.
Moments of sheer bliss, perpetuate eternal ignorance.
Ambiguity taints my mindset while annulling my calmness.
Breaking free lets my mind sink, soak, and sip the thick syrup of the orchard.
Sickening sounds of thunder crash in my mind's wavelengths.
Stillness is upon us now.
Brutality murders the once loved memories, coated in sweet caramelized sugar.
Here.
Here we are in a world so chilling, revealing, and lustful,
while hanging onto our loveless denials.
Clarity is where I find myself, for only in one particular place,
and a scattering of moments.
Dear sanity...
Sink your teeth into my beloved, grip tightly onto cotton candy clouds.
Suck life out of bliss, and breathe death into eternal falsities.
Hold tightly onto all that is left of crashing waves on a powdered sugar shore,
for what is left is merely a mirage...
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Images- and rewind.
Images keep flashing in my head... bad images,
images that skeeve me, images that creep me.
Haunting my head and my soul.
Positive thoughts- I'm trying so hard to stay positive.
I've been taught once before to stay positive...
images that skeeve me, images that creep me.
Haunting my head and my soul.
Positive thoughts- I'm trying so hard to stay positive.
I've been taught once before to stay positive...
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Diesease of the Restless
I lay here
taunting them...
teasing them with my goodlooks and charm
It never really gets old.
Dangling in front of their faces.
Something they could only dream of having.
Something they fantasize about each and every moonlit night.
I lay here,
dangling my body on a string right in front of their faces.
Pursed lips tainted blood red.
They only see me as this object.
A sex fantasy.
So blunt.
However, this is not the tiny hippie girl laying topless in this bed.
with just a flowing white hippie skirt and goosebumps to cover her soul.
It's the disease of the restless.
You can never keep an image straight,
but trying to impress and please everyone-
when it reality all you want to do is close your eyes and melt away...
taunting them...
teasing them with my goodlooks and charm
It never really gets old.
Dangling in front of their faces.
Something they could only dream of having.
Something they fantasize about each and every moonlit night.
I lay here,
dangling my body on a string right in front of their faces.
Pursed lips tainted blood red.
They only see me as this object.
A sex fantasy.
So blunt.
However, this is not the tiny hippie girl laying topless in this bed.
with just a flowing white hippie skirt and goosebumps to cover her soul.
It's the disease of the restless.
You can never keep an image straight,
but trying to impress and please everyone-
when it reality all you want to do is close your eyes and melt away...
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Ironies in "happiness"
It's truly ironic, amusing almost- how I've learned to cope and keep myself content.
The breathing excercises I just caught myself doing for the first time, although they've been going on for a while.
The excuses I engage myself in- while the adoring looks I cast upon her while she sleeps.
Its amazing the turmoil I deal with, I am honestly proud of myself.
All for love.
Love for all.
Taken for granted- a slave I shall remain.
But I adore the whips on my back, and the sun burning my skin.
My feet raw from walking, and the burning within my soul.
How I can have a distraught day, nothing going right- and then all of a sudden the chirp of a baby morning dove makes everything better.
It's as if those smallest moments can turn my world into complete peace and serenity for just a moment.
I've really been embrasing the smallest of things recently, and to be honest:
It's made a world of a difference.
The breathing excercises I just caught myself doing for the first time, although they've been going on for a while.
The excuses I engage myself in- while the adoring looks I cast upon her while she sleeps.
Its amazing the turmoil I deal with, I am honestly proud of myself.
All for love.
Love for all.
Taken for granted- a slave I shall remain.
But I adore the whips on my back, and the sun burning my skin.
My feet raw from walking, and the burning within my soul.
How I can have a distraught day, nothing going right- and then all of a sudden the chirp of a baby morning dove makes everything better.
It's as if those smallest moments can turn my world into complete peace and serenity for just a moment.
I've really been embrasing the smallest of things recently, and to be honest:
It's made a world of a difference.
Fantasy
I keep catching myself... falling...
falling into a fantasy- of "ifs, ands, and buts"
"maybes" and "what could have beens"
The magic mirrors keep telling me a story,
beautifully lined with lies and turmoil.
Such castles in the clouds open their gates to my thoughts
Beautiful castles and lovely sanctions
They make me smile and then shake my head...
re-living my fantasies that I only "lived" for a mere moment
through another.
falling into a fantasy- of "ifs, ands, and buts"
"maybes" and "what could have beens"
The magic mirrors keep telling me a story,
beautifully lined with lies and turmoil.
Such castles in the clouds open their gates to my thoughts
Beautiful castles and lovely sanctions
They make me smile and then shake my head...
re-living my fantasies that I only "lived" for a mere moment
through another.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Better than expected
Today started out much better than expected
A good nights sleep after lashing out seems to always be the most peaceful- the hardest sleep of them all
And with so much to do today I find myself only yearning... to go back to sleep.
Maybe just a nap...
Dreams kiss my lips with a smile.
Ok... just for a moment...
A good nights sleep after lashing out seems to always be the most peaceful- the hardest sleep of them all
And with so much to do today I find myself only yearning... to go back to sleep.
Maybe just a nap...
Dreams kiss my lips with a smile.
Ok... just for a moment...
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
hmmm...ugh.
So I was waiting... patiently, yet not so patiently ..
waiting and waiting- from the moment she left.
Waiting for her to come back home- hoping her times were better than expected.
...I hear the door knob turn slowly, almost a tease.
creeking and the door opens,
Barefoot and in my underwear I run from the couch to the kitchen on my tip toes... so excited,
biggest smile on my face!
She lets out a giggle as I am about to tackle her...
I do,
then it's downhill...
She complains about her aches and pains, the boredom of the trip, and how I didn't do laundry while she was gone...when I didn't have a car.
Friendless.
So, no I couldn't have had somebody bring me to do just one load.
I'll go now.
But, No.
I'm not allowed to.
Because it's about 11pm and she is tired...
I'll do it while she sleeps...
but no.
And how I know this will roll over until tomorrow.
Oh how I know. . .
waiting and waiting- from the moment she left.
Waiting for her to come back home- hoping her times were better than expected.
...I hear the door knob turn slowly, almost a tease.
creeking and the door opens,
Barefoot and in my underwear I run from the couch to the kitchen on my tip toes... so excited,
biggest smile on my face!
She lets out a giggle as I am about to tackle her...
I do,
then it's downhill...
She complains about her aches and pains, the boredom of the trip, and how I didn't do laundry while she was gone...when I didn't have a car.
Friendless.
So, no I couldn't have had somebody bring me to do just one load.
I'll go now.
But, No.
I'm not allowed to.
Because it's about 11pm and she is tired...
I'll do it while she sleeps...
but no.
And how I know this will roll over until tomorrow.
Oh how I know. . .
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Take 2
It's like a movie scene.
Rushing to and fro
Searching high and low...
however, it's going all wrong.
Line forgotten,
actors tripping over their own feet.
Costumes ripping.
The director scream "CUT!"
the words are like razor blades running down an old school house chalk board.
The words are so in sync with the clashing of the clapper board.
"TAKE TWO!"
Rushing to and fro
Searching high and low...
however, it's going all wrong.
Line forgotten,
actors tripping over their own feet.
Costumes ripping.
The director scream "CUT!"
the words are like razor blades running down an old school house chalk board.
The words are so in sync with the clashing of the clapper board.
"TAKE TWO!"
Monday, March 26, 2012
Letting Go
I am finally letting go again,
being free- being me
Happy, dancing, flowing all the time.
Doing what I want in life- and having fun while I'm young.
No worries, no cares in the world.
I hope this freelance life continues to feel so right -
For example: I tried out for gogo dancing today... and I'm pretty sure I got the job :)
Just having fun* MY Life.
being free- being me
Happy, dancing, flowing all the time.
Doing what I want in life- and having fun while I'm young.
No worries, no cares in the world.
I hope this freelance life continues to feel so right -
For example: I tried out for gogo dancing today... and I'm pretty sure I got the job :)
Just having fun* MY Life.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Skimming
Dear,
Here, there, everywhere...
Sorry,
Empty promises.. Lost regrets.
Life now... good but room...
I enjoy and appreciate the little moment more than ever...
Sun ..shining.
Feeling Free...
Love,
Instinctively Me
Here, there, everywhere...
Sorry,
Empty promises.. Lost regrets.
Life now... good but room...
I enjoy and appreciate the little moment more than ever...
Sun ..shining.
Feeling Free...
Love,
Instinctively Me
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
First Day of Spring
It's amazing how time flies -
winter passes, the sun is shining, and the warm weather keeps me more than content.
If I could stay in the warmer months from now until eternity I would,
for they are not dark and dismal like the months of winter and fall.
So many things are going my way, my life is looking up, and working on myself has never felt so good!
- Breathe in the deep, warm, comfort of the spring air-
winter passes, the sun is shining, and the warm weather keeps me more than content.
If I could stay in the warmer months from now until eternity I would,
for they are not dark and dismal like the months of winter and fall.
So many things are going my way, my life is looking up, and working on myself has never felt so good!
- Breathe in the deep, warm, comfort of the spring air-
Friday, March 16, 2012
Rain Drops
Rain drops falling from the sky,
yet a heat still embraces my whole body
I am one with the rain.
Spinning, and twirling and walking in it
this is me.
Barefoot dancing on the warm asphault.
My skirt gets heavier and heavier- yet flows with such eloquency
I've learned to make the best of the pitter-pattering of the rain.
The droplets that form on my skin stare back at me like a mirror;
I smile.
Just at the sight of my life through one raindrop.
yet a heat still embraces my whole body
I am one with the rain.
Spinning, and twirling and walking in it
this is me.
Barefoot dancing on the warm asphault.
My skirt gets heavier and heavier- yet flows with such eloquency
I've learned to make the best of the pitter-pattering of the rain.
The droplets that form on my skin stare back at me like a mirror;
I smile.
Just at the sight of my life through one raindrop.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Embrace it.
My middrift is flat, about an inch or two showing between the blue jeans hugging my hip bones and the grey worn in shirt I wear.
Finally, if mother nature allows it to be, Spring is here.
A warm breeze graces my skin, while the sun kisses my cheeks just enough to make me blush.
Oddly enough the world is one.
The trees stand bare waiting for the sun to give way to their life- it will, in a matter of time.
Their branches reaching up like a child searching for its mother's breast.
So simple- and so pure.
The grass squeezing to be green- and becoming tired from trying so hard to be beautiful.
It's almost here world- or it finally is.
A time for new life, new beginings, letting go.
With just a little bit of effort one can become positive, and loving in all that they do.
All you have to do is embrace your sanctity and unity with the world around-
Embrace it.
Finally, if mother nature allows it to be, Spring is here.
A warm breeze graces my skin, while the sun kisses my cheeks just enough to make me blush.
Oddly enough the world is one.
The trees stand bare waiting for the sun to give way to their life- it will, in a matter of time.
Their branches reaching up like a child searching for its mother's breast.
So simple- and so pure.
The grass squeezing to be green- and becoming tired from trying so hard to be beautiful.
It's almost here world- or it finally is.
A time for new life, new beginings, letting go.
With just a little bit of effort one can become positive, and loving in all that they do.
All you have to do is embrace your sanctity and unity with the world around-
Embrace it.
Friday, March 9, 2012
something new, a ray of sun
I toss and turn, stretch my body-
slits grace my eyes,
it's morning...
I take my finger tip and reach for the curtain, pulling it ever so gently
just enough to let a ray of sunshine grace my face.
I smile.
I take a deep breath in-
Something new is coming around this bend I call life.
...I think I just might embrace it!
slits grace my eyes,
it's morning...
I take my finger tip and reach for the curtain, pulling it ever so gently
just enough to let a ray of sunshine grace my face.
I smile.
I take a deep breath in-
Something new is coming around this bend I call life.
...I think I just might embrace it!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Zen
I sit,
back straight- legs looking like a pretzel.
Eyes closed.
The backs of my eye lids are dimly lit up by the flicker of two flames on their side of me.
I take a deep breath in, and relax for a few moments (although I hesitate)
The smell is of sweet lavender and vanilla
Burning from an incent.
I slow my breathing, still my breathing, and focus on each simple inhale and exhale.
"Life is Good." I whisper to myself
I have to remind myself why I am here
I reminisce on my mistakes and vow to never make them again.
I am a work in progress- slowly but surely I change- for the better
By May 1st I vow to be a different person.
"Positive thoughts, baby, just think positive thoughts" - I cringe as images flash through my memory like the sweetest of all poisons.
I promise the Goddess of my time to change-
it is her that I will change for, and him who I will hold as her equivalent
I am changing to re-live the way of life I used to live years ago-
Back to my Zen ways,
for Zen and practice bring Karma in the most positive pure form
Worldly things are left at the beginning of the journey- and your past is no longer discussable.
*One more breath in, and one more out*
...and I catch myself and say...
It happens, every day... maybe two or three times a day.
I don't know why,
it's purely inexplicable.
Intoxicating, because I enjoy it for those nearly two minutes each time it happens.
music notes grace the airwaves and I go limp, numb with a stupid smile-
blissfully ignorant.
and then I catch myself...
*click*
switching over to something that dulls the memory...
nope, nope, nope...
here we go- a little rock, a little anger and a little sting in this one.
I feel as if I should punish myself for letting those thoughts even cross my mind;
and I should mutilate myself for even smiling at them.
"Stupid little girl. You are stupid to even think that such a person should make you..smile, hum, or even relax.
Last time you relaxed for simplistic moments you were stabbed in the back... Stupid, silly, girl you!"
It happens again... moments, or hours later.
Smiling, dumbfounded by my ignorance yet again...
how can one be so ignorant so many times in one day?
I catch myself and say... "Today is not the day, nor the year- but the lifetime is never ruled out. However, in a different lifetime, or universe... No. Stop it."
I pull over,
bury my cool face in my hands- and let the tears stream down my face like razorblades.
It's alright to cry about the past once in a while-
but for now you are only allotting yourself two minutes and thirty seven seconds.
...and stop.
Why do these things happen?
Still...
It's not fair.
But life, life isn't fair now is it?
I don't know why,
it's purely inexplicable.
Intoxicating, because I enjoy it for those nearly two minutes each time it happens.
music notes grace the airwaves and I go limp, numb with a stupid smile-
blissfully ignorant.
and then I catch myself...
*click*
switching over to something that dulls the memory...
nope, nope, nope...
here we go- a little rock, a little anger and a little sting in this one.
I feel as if I should punish myself for letting those thoughts even cross my mind;
and I should mutilate myself for even smiling at them.
"Stupid little girl. You are stupid to even think that such a person should make you..smile, hum, or even relax.
Last time you relaxed for simplistic moments you were stabbed in the back... Stupid, silly, girl you!"
It happens again... moments, or hours later.
Smiling, dumbfounded by my ignorance yet again...
how can one be so ignorant so many times in one day?
I catch myself and say... "Today is not the day, nor the year- but the lifetime is never ruled out. However, in a different lifetime, or universe... No. Stop it."
I pull over,
bury my cool face in my hands- and let the tears stream down my face like razorblades.
It's alright to cry about the past once in a while-
but for now you are only allotting yourself two minutes and thirty seven seconds.
...and stop.
Why do these things happen?
Still...
It's not fair.
But life, life isn't fair now is it?
Monday, March 5, 2012
Flicker
a ligHt- it flickers,
from what seems to be a thousand miles away - or more.
it's small, wavering and one slows their Breathing.
Soon this flame will be out-
with one. deep. breath.
inhale- and within a matter of milliseconds
gone,
just like the faded memories,
the flame of a heart
but a joyous day!
songs ringing like church bells;
can you hear them in the distance?
be stong, be loving, and carefree- it's your time to shine :)
from what seems to be a thousand miles away - or more.
it's small, wavering and one slows their Breathing.
Soon this flame will be out-
with one. deep. breath.
inhale- and within a matter of milliseconds
gone,
just like the faded memories,
the flame of a heart
but a joyous day!
songs ringing like church bells;
can you hear them in the distance?
be stong, be loving, and carefree- it's your time to shine :)
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Friday, March 2, 2012
Summer Goals:
Traveling:
*PA for Incubus Concert
*NJ for 311 Concert (if they freaking post the summer dates!!)
*TN for Bonnaroo <3
*FL? for fun
*Canada
Myself:
Stay thin, stay positive, meditate every day- and practice Yoga <3
*PA for Incubus Concert
*NJ for 311 Concert (if they freaking post the summer dates!!)
*TN for Bonnaroo <3
*FL? for fun
*Canada
Myself:
Stay thin, stay positive, meditate every day- and practice Yoga <3
Her Diamonds-Rob Thomas with lyrics
*Perfection lies between the truth-realitiy and this fiction world we call home*
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Events Booked:
Booked two awesome events as a model!
First one is for AXE - for their spring break line :)
Second one is for Labatt Blue :) so excited <3
First one is for AXE - for their spring break line :)
Second one is for Labatt Blue :) so excited <3
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Illusions
I turned around,
the sound of the subway now behind me
simple people lost in their lives,
Time is of the escence.
Hushing, Shuffling, Brushing
past eachother.
Routine.
Go here, this way-by now.
Robots in a mechanical scheme to donate
propriotary information
Or something of the sort.
Launching from their lives, and minds lacking molding-
just following the man.
Yet,
Here I stand-
the subway behind me,
their voices- white noise.
And I blink.
For a moment my vision focuses.
A stairway stares me in the eyes.
Head on, not blinking back- yet calling my name.
I feel a sense of warmth.
Calm, serene, breaths take over me.
I place my right foot gently on the ground in front of my left.
Heel, toe.
I long to climb these stairs, for I have never
encountered them before.
Were they here last time I passed through
this station
of dark, demise?
I fear not.
I blink again.
Gone.
They have vanished;;
Maybe if I blink just one more time I will have the chance again to climb them
I will find them again.
People rush by me, I fall back into the mechanics.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Daily Meditation
I breathe in deep- at least once a day
Relieving my tired burdens and my trodden past.
Each day I let go a simple amount more- nothing too much, but just enough to get by.
I close my eyes, I see lilies, cloud figurines pass by.
I lie here on this soft, gentle grass-
Cool against my skin- Taking out ounces of my foreign, long gone, pain.
I hear something in the distance- the wind tiptoeing through the tall field of sunflowers.
I start to plan my journey through that field.
So beautiful, yet never mapped.
Breathe in- and meditate
Relieving my tired burdens and my trodden past.
Each day I let go a simple amount more- nothing too much, but just enough to get by.
I close my eyes, I see lilies, cloud figurines pass by.
I lie here on this soft, gentle grass-
Cool against my skin- Taking out ounces of my foreign, long gone, pain.
I hear something in the distance- the wind tiptoeing through the tall field of sunflowers.
I start to plan my journey through that field.
So beautiful, yet never mapped.
Breathe in- and meditate
Facade
I have moved forward in loving myself, and those who love me.
I have conquered my fears and faced them at my own personal level (and that's all that matters)
The storm has come to a lull, and I plan to hold it here until it ceases.
My image is the mirror, sharper, more defined.
Clear.
My soul has been cleansed and rid of its demons.
I adore who I am and who I am becoming.
Dreams are becoming more dream like, and less reality stricken.
Change is on the tip of each taste-bud, and the sweet smell of success lingers in the coming spring air.
Writing, singing, dancing- my therapies.
Words trickle down pages like sweet summer sweat,
Lyrics dance in the thin, crisp air- while bodies never lie in movement.
Crashing into me like a bullet with a name on it,
I hold my future and my fate on it.
My past each day continues to project a beautiful facade- and my future holds verities, and true love.
Each day presents change in thought process,
Meditation calms my soul and mind-
I am one with who I want to be.
I am Me.
I have conquered my fears and faced them at my own personal level (and that's all that matters)
The storm has come to a lull, and I plan to hold it here until it ceases.
My image is the mirror, sharper, more defined.
Clear.
My soul has been cleansed and rid of its demons.
I adore who I am and who I am becoming.
Dreams are becoming more dream like, and less reality stricken.
Change is on the tip of each taste-bud, and the sweet smell of success lingers in the coming spring air.
Writing, singing, dancing- my therapies.
Words trickle down pages like sweet summer sweat,
Lyrics dance in the thin, crisp air- while bodies never lie in movement.
Crashing into me like a bullet with a name on it,
I hold my future and my fate on it.
My past each day continues to project a beautiful facade- and my future holds verities, and true love.
Each day presents change in thought process,
Meditation calms my soul and mind-
I am one with who I want to be.
I am Me.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Bonnaroo
The mystical place where,
mushrooms are taller than you, are colorful, and trickle with dew-
Music keeps your moving for four days and nights.
Losing yourself in a trance is a must,
and being barefoot and sky robed is OK,
Welcome to Bonnaroo :)
*Officially Going from June 7- 10*
mushrooms are taller than you, are colorful, and trickle with dew-
Music keeps your moving for four days and nights.
Losing yourself in a trance is a must,
and being barefoot and sky robed is OK,
Welcome to Bonnaroo :)
Serenity
I breathe in deep
The serenity of my warm bed comforts me,
My heart has calmed its dancing,
while my head has calmed its racing.
Serenity is all my soul has begged for-
my mouth has prayed for this moment for the past two months.
He does listen,
for he has granted me my wish.
Peaceful notes ring in my head.
Regarding love, I'm not better off dead.
So here I lay, on these rosy sheets
So still, so warm.
Inhaling, Exhaling.
This is Life as We Know It.
Nothing can change what occurrences have made our beautiful past,
and we determine what our blind future holds.
One day a story will creep through this cracked lips
A story : As Told By Me.
Although I know,
It took several people to truly speak the verities of it.
What do these crystal eyes hold? What truths and lies do they tell? Are there secrets? Will anybody ever be able to decipher this soul? It shall all remain a Mystery.
The serenity of my warm bed comforts me,
My heart has calmed its dancing,
while my head has calmed its racing.
Serenity is all my soul has begged for-
my mouth has prayed for this moment for the past two months.
He does listen,
for he has granted me my wish.
Peaceful notes ring in my head.
Regarding love, I'm not better off dead.
So here I lay, on these rosy sheets
So still, so warm.
Inhaling, Exhaling.
This is Life as We Know It.
Nothing can change what occurrences have made our beautiful past,
and we determine what our blind future holds.
One day a story will creep through this cracked lips
A story : As Told By Me.
Although I know,
It took several people to truly speak the verities of it.
Friday, February 24, 2012
*Sigh of relief*
I AM going- possibilities for the fall,
while definite for the Spring.
Only change is where
France- possible,
yet so many other amazing options!
*Italy, Fiji, New Zealand, Australia...
I am sorta thinking warmer weather :)
Excited.
while definite for the Spring.
Only change is where
France- possible,
yet so many other amazing options!
*Italy, Fiji, New Zealand, Australia...
I am sorta thinking warmer weather :)
Excited.
Simply Content
Dreams have turned into nightmares-
Reality has turned into dreams.
Today judgment falls on my past,
Karma predicts my future.
The turning point may be on the cusp.
I breathe in.
Shallow breathing as I wait for the results.
Future so bright- it is inevitable;
Yet- may be halted on account of what I have done wrong.
August- or December
It's all a matter of hours before I know...
Yet either way, I am simply. content.
Reality has turned into dreams.
Today judgment falls on my past,
Karma predicts my future.
The turning point may be on the cusp.
I breathe in.
Shallow breathing as I wait for the results.
Future so bright- it is inevitable;
Yet- may be halted on account of what I have done wrong.
August- or December
It's all a matter of hours before I know...
Yet either way, I am simply. content.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Ke re pagalir bese
Who is this,
Dressed like a crazy woman,
Robed with the sky?
Whom does she belong to?
She has let down her hair,
Thrown off her clothes,
Strung human hands around her waist,
And taken a sword in her hand.
Her face sparkles
From the reflection of her teeth,
And her tongue lolls out.
The smile on that moon-face drips
Heaps and heaps of nectar.
Mother, are you going to rescue Kamalakanta
In this outfit?
-Written by Kamalakanta
*about the Goddess Kali*
Dressed like a crazy woman,
Robed with the sky?
Whom does she belong to?
She has let down her hair,
Thrown off her clothes,
Strung human hands around her waist,
And taken a sword in her hand.
Her face sparkles
From the reflection of her teeth,
And her tongue lolls out.
The smile on that moon-face drips
Heaps and heaps of nectar.
Mother, are you going to rescue Kamalakanta
In this outfit?
-Written by Kamalakanta
*about the Goddess Kali*
Pier to Plane
Barefoot- walking down the pier,
Listening to the waves crash on the jetties.
The salt water filled air fills my lungs.
This is where I am meant to be,
this is home.
Gracefully walking down the steps to the warm and welcoming sand;
only about four more months.
Home is where your heart is.
My home is far, and near-
but the miles won't keep me from where I belong.
It's just a matter of time.
Stepping onto the sand, stepping onto a plane.
I close my eyes and imagine it-
How my journey can't begin soon enough..
My life hasn't even truly started yet;
the worlds will not be able to even blink fast enough to see how gone I will be.
gone, Gone, gone.
How peaceful the unfamiliarity will be.
Listening to the waves crash on the jetties.
The salt water filled air fills my lungs.
This is where I am meant to be,
this is home.
Gracefully walking down the steps to the warm and welcoming sand;
only about four more months.
Home is where your heart is.
My home is far, and near-
but the miles won't keep me from where I belong.
It's just a matter of time.
Stepping onto the sand, stepping onto a plane.
I close my eyes and imagine it-
How my journey can't begin soon enough..
My life hasn't even truly started yet;
the worlds will not be able to even blink fast enough to see how gone I will be.
gone, Gone, gone.
How peaceful the unfamiliarity will be.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Mights and Maybes
There's a pounding in my heart- something so deep and so sure.
I can't wait, as the moment approaches- Friday we finalize a lot,
but Friday is the make it or break it.
There is one problem that I can't control -
so I might have to push back France until December.
But there is no way that I will not go.
If I can just convince them that I will work harder than I ever have this semester they might still let me go in August.
A lot of mights and maybes
but I'm biting this bullet.
I am doing this for me.
How my days seem so much brighter...
I am going on my own- and I am so excited, to discover a world that I have yet to even imagine.
I just hope all the mights and maybes turn into yes and wills.
Friday... oh how these moments until then really seem to feel like years...
That word... "year"
triggers a lot...
-wondering-
I can't wait, as the moment approaches- Friday we finalize a lot,
but Friday is the make it or break it.
There is one problem that I can't control -
so I might have to push back France until December.
But there is no way that I will not go.
If I can just convince them that I will work harder than I ever have this semester they might still let me go in August.
A lot of mights and maybes
but I'm biting this bullet.
I am doing this for me.
How my days seem so much brighter...
I am going on my own- and I am so excited, to discover a world that I have yet to even imagine.
I just hope all the mights and maybes turn into yes and wills.
Friday... oh how these moments until then really seem to feel like years...
That word... "year"
triggers a lot...
-wondering-
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
LA de Da dE dA
my heart is singing a song-
its tune, unsure, and its melody upbeat
singing away
to the sound of the wind.
humming and twirling and always on key
its tune, unsure, and its melody upbeat
singing away
to the sound of the wind.
humming and twirling and always on key
Monday, February 20, 2012
Not Right
Something is
Not
Right...
I can tell.
I don't know
What.
or
Who
But
It is
Wrong.
There's a knot
in my stomach.
Something is not right.
Somebody is not OK.
It hurts.
This knot.
So please be
OK.
It's one of two people
and how I hope it's not either...
I can feel it...Try to resist the pain
I'm sending my embrace through the miles to help you.
Just breathe.
Not
Right...
I can tell.
I don't know
What.
or
Who
But
It is
Wrong.
There's a knot
in my stomach.
Something is not right.
Somebody is not OK.
It hurts.
This knot.
So please be
OK.
It's one of two people
and how I hope it's not either...
Pushed back
Decision day has been pushed back a week now... today is apparently the day-
Hope my advisor actually stick with the apt today (unlike the past week) RAWR
:)
Hope my advisor actually stick with the apt today (unlike the past week) RAWR
:)
Sunday, February 19, 2012
#StayPositive
I wish I could take away the pain
of a soul lost and to be found
To be starstruck, or lovedrunk would be a feeling so elite
My words are tearing at the seems,
my heart is lost- in a clutter of words.
Yet I can only see the rainbow at the end
So close, yet so far- for the moment is undetermined.
StayPositive
It always gets better in time.
of a soul lost and to be found
To be starstruck, or lovedrunk would be a feeling so elite
My words are tearing at the seems,
my heart is lost- in a clutter of words.
Yet I can only see the rainbow at the end
So close, yet so far- for the moment is undetermined.
StayPositive
It always gets better in time.
The Pretty Reckless - Just Tonight
Here we are and I can't think from all the pills right
Start the car and take me home
Here we are and you're too drunk to hear a word I say
Start the car and take me home
Just tonight I will stay
And we'll throw it all away
When the light hits your eyes
It's telling me I'm right
And if I, I am through
And it's all because of you
Just tonight
Here I am and I can't seem to see straight
But I'm too numb to feel right now
Here I am watching the clock that's ticking away my time
I'm too numb to feel right now
Just tonight I will stay
And we'll throw it all away
When the light hits your eyes
It's telling me I'm right
And if I, I am through
And it's all because of you
Just tonight
Just tonight
Do you understand who I am?
Do you wanna know?
Can you really see through me now?
I am about to go
Just tonight I won't leave
And I'll lie and you'll believe
Just tonight I will see
It's all because of me
Just tonight I will stay
And we'll throw it all away
When the light hits your eyes
It's telling me I'm right
And if I, I am through
And it's all because of you
Just tonight
(Do you understand who I am?)
It's all because of you
Just tonight
(Do you understand who I am?)
It's all because of you
Just tonight
(Do you understand who I am?)
It's all because of you
Just tonight
In (between) the lines
How could (shared) - be given, unless one broke down?
How could (familiar) faces, discreate, (intimate), images be shared- if one had not fourth come?
(Believing) is a yearning that I have.
My jaw (clenches)- holding back the screams.
My mind races to find possibilities, reasons and (excuses)
How is this all possible?
So I lay here- in the snow (ridden) city,
where street lights and headlights are a (blur).
And their (reflection) upon the lake seems more (real) to me than they are.
The lake is (frozen)- as my breath could be if I jump in.
How could (familiar) faces, discreate, (intimate), images be shared- if one had not fourth come?
(Believing) is a yearning that I have.
My jaw (clenches)- holding back the screams.
My mind races to find possibilities, reasons and (excuses)
How is this all possible?
So I lay here- in the snow (ridden) city,
where street lights and headlights are a (blur).
And their (reflection) upon the lake seems more (real) to me than they are.
The lake is (frozen)- as my breath could be if I jump in.
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